Telling Yourself Pretty Much Everything
She was sick of it. He had promised numerous times to meet her somewhere. He never showed up. A part of her, the part she didn't want to believe, had told her he was with another girl. The other part was the excuse part. It was always he's forgetful, he got stuck in traffic, he lost track of time, something like that.
But she knew he was with Peyton.
She was not an idiot. In fact she was pretty smart. She didn't always show it, but she was. Some people knew it, those who bothered to look inside. She also knew that Peyton was smart and perfect for Lucas.
Come on, it was tortured artist meets tortured athlete. It was perfection from the start. Lucas was the only, besides her, to break down Peyton's strong walls that she always put up. Brooke told herself that Peyton put walls up, not to keep others out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.
Brooke cared. Lucas defiantly cared.
The thing was that Lucas never broke up with her. He just cheated on her. Of course, he thought she didn't know. But he had misjudged her. What he didn't know, and no one did, was that she always had a way of finding everything out. It probably had to do with her amazing ability to gossip.
For some reason Brooke never questioned Lucas. She just let him to whatever. Maybe she loved him that much. Or she never really loved him at all. Yeah, she cared about him. Like she wouldn't want him dead in a ditch or anything like that but she could care less if she never saw him again.
But she cared about Peyton.
They were best friends forever. Hoes over bros. Peyton seemed to have forgotten that. A part of her wanted to smash Peyton's face in her hurting her. But she didn't hurt her, not really. Brooke also really wanted to forgive her.
Lucas finally showed up. With an excuse, or course. Something like I had trouble finding the place. Brooke rolled her eyes knowing that just last week him and Peyton had been there together. Brooke had seen them.
He smiled, she smiled back. He knew she forgave him. The bartender gave him a drink and they had a conversation about an English test that day over "To Kill A Mockingbird."
Brooke had said it was pointless. Lucas had disagreed. That was normal. They never agreed on anything anymore. But really they never had, unless she managed to get him drunk first. Moving on from the boring topic Brooke asked him what he had done that day after school.
He had muttered basketball practice and the something about shooting some hoops at the Rivercourt. He conveniently left out him and Peyton doing homework. She told him that. He looked confused.
She rolled her eyes. "Peyton told me that."
He was at a loss for words. "Ah."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"I don't know. It just wasn't that big of a deal, I guess."
"But you left it out because you didn't want me to know. If it wasn't a big deal why didn't you tell me."
"Look, stop being so paranoid, we're just friends."
"Why do you feel the need to hide your friendship."
He chuckled. "I know you Brooke. With one mention of a female you go into hysteretics."
"Well, maybe I care about you."
"Maybe."
"Alright, whatever, Lucas, you know me better than I know myself. Is that what you want to hear?"
"If that's the truth." His smirk was getting aggravating.
"It's not. I know myself perfectly. I tell myself pretty much everything." She smiled, he raised an eyebrow.
"Pretty much everything?"
"Ugh! You know what I mean!"
"I know. I just love seeing you get all frustrated." He took a sip of his third beer.
A silence fell upon them. But not exactly awkward, just nice. Sometimes talking was more awkward. It was starting to hurt now. All the hidden behind stupid pride anger was building up now. She was gonna burst.
"I know you and Peyton are sneaking around behind my back."
He almost spit out the sip of beer he just took. "What are you talking about?"
"I saw you guys. Here. Last week. I've seen you guys tons of times."
"Brooke…"
She pulled away from his touch. "No, really, it's okay." She grabbed her purse. "I've gotta go." She walked away. Lucas followed.
"Brooke! Please, wait!" She stopped and looked at him. She didn't know why but she felt like crying. Just an hour ago she was convinced that she didn't care about him and she was okay with him and Peyton. But now she hated it. She almost wanted to die.
"Oh, I might as well just dig a hole and lie in it." He stifled the smile building up inside of him. The mixture of anger, confusion, jealousy, and sadness in her voice all rolled in to one made him smile. "Why the hell are you smiling?"
"I'm sorry. For everything, Brooke. I…I don't want to be with Peyton. I want to be with you." They hugged.
Brooke told herself that he was serious, that he loved her, that he loved her more than Peyton, that he really wanted her over Peyton. And she believed it to.
After all his unreturned phone calls and all the times that he stood her after that. That when she realized that she did only tell herself pretty much everything. That she only listened to a part of her. That she always lied to herself.
And telling yourself pretty much everything that you were feeling just wasn't enough.