Title: Courage
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Summary:
Draco Malfoy finds his courage in a place where he never thought he would find it before. HrD
People aren't born with courage or bravery or any other sort of rubbish you can come up with
People aren't born with courage or bravery or any other sort of rubbish you can come up with. They acquire it over time; time teaches them the lessons they never forget. Some one once told me that courage was letting a boulder fall on your head. I never really did understand that until a couple of years ago. That day I almost laughed in that person's face and I reckon he knew I was about to because he went off muttering about today's yoofs and how scabby we all were. I remember scowling at him but I didn't do anything because he was my dad's friend, an important one too.
I understand what courage is now.
I guess it all started three or maybe four years ago. Maybe longer, I don't like keeping track of time, it makes me sad. I was still a prat, a git and I thought I had life all sussed. But I was still a foolish young boy, no more than eighteen. I didn't have the guts to kill Dumbledore but I had the guts to kill other people.
Don't ask me how much; don't ask me how many times. I lost count anyway. I can tell you this though; I've killed wizards, muggles, ogres, and giants. I've killed house-elves, goblins, and any other type of creature you can come up with. In the end their blood was all red, it was all the same.
It was the most idiotic thing of life. I wish I had realized that blood was blood sooner. I wish I had realized that blood was red no matter what creature, sooner. I wish a lot of things.
I was a Death Eater, not that it wasn't a surprise. I knew what was expected of me and I would do it because I didn't have any siblings to share the burden with. I was a Malfoy and like a Malfoy I would act because the name and appearance was everything. People don't care about the face or the name. They care about the swagger, about the money and about the fame.
A name meant everything.
And I being young bought all the lies, all the propaganda.
I was out in a forest that night, the Black Forest or something other like that. I was cold and I was hungry and in a bad mood because I got stuck with a new recruit who looked wet. He was togged out in new robes and a new broom and whole lot of other new shinny things. It was madness dressing up for a mission. His new robes were bound to get dirty and his new loafs destroyed. I had brought warm old ones and old loafs to help me run when my broom didn't work. It was a 2002 Nimbus, sure it was old but it was trustworthy. I preferred trustworthy over new, I still do.
So this new bugger was there sitting down waiting impatiently and I just wanted him to sod off. After a while he started wagging all around the place.
"You're going to blow our cover you prat!" I hissed as low as I could.
"I'm just getting ready, don't worry about it Malfoy." Richard Brogan. I wanted to strangle him but I didn't do anything. I didn't want to face the consequences later; I wouldn't be able to blag my way out of it. I was starting to doze off when all of a sudden I heard this tiny creak. It would've been harder to hear if I it hadn't been so quiet. I jumped up and scared the wits out of Richard. He was apparently about to kip too.
"What's going on?"
"Just keep your gob shut."
I was a hundred percent sure that it wasn't who we were supposed to be waiting for. There was the most horrible gurgling sound coming from what seemed like all around us. I was alert and ready; all my senses tingling. The forest came alive; I could hear the silence of the night and the rats scurrying about. I could smell the jasmines in the air and something metallic, something that I had smelled before. Blood has a certain smell to it; it's this metallic sort of smell that stays engraved in your brain and never goes away.
It's worse when you get it on you.
So there I was, in a forest crawling with animals, lying in dirt, and scared shitless. The gurgling sound got louder, and louder, and louder, and - and my ears were just about to pop from the straining that I was putting them through. Richard was there, more scared than I was. He was a bit white in the face; his blue eyes just stared straight ahead into underbrush. I followed his gaze and I realized that there was the source of the noise.
He was breathing hard, I wanted to shout at him but I couldn't open my mouth. I was too scared. Never had I heard such a sound, it was terrifying because I never heard it again afterwards. I can't describe it to you because you will never hear it; at least I hope you don't.
A pale white little dainty hand appeared from the underbrush, it was just there, covered in blood and gore and all the like. I was a bit surprised because it was so small; I bet I could've crushed it in one hand.
It was then that a whole arm started appearing and Richard began screaming his lungs out. He just flipped, he started running out and I heard a small crack.
Wet Bastard
I bit down on my lip and held my wand steady. I was ready, how many other times hadn't I killed someone?
That was when I saw her.
It had been a year nearing two since I last saw Hermione Granger.
I wanted nothing more than to run.
She looked at me with these big eyes and her mouth opened but the gurgling sound came out.
Oh, I realized with a start, it was coming from her.
She looked bloody horrible, and I mean that in the literal sense. She was covered in gore from her frizzy brown hair, down to her toenails. Her face was a disaster, cuts, bruises, an open lip. The list could go on and on.
I just stared completely gobsmacked. Not surprised but gobsmacked, I mean this was the bloody Golden Girl and she was in the palm of my hand. No one else was near for miles and miles and I knew that she knew that too.
She just stared at me too.
I have no idea what she was thinking. I was just thinking the same thing over and over again, Oh My God. I wanted to run but then there was this small dark part that usually consumed me saying that I could get rewarded.
Because she was right there, defenseless.
"Just kill me, Draco. Please, just kill me."
Her voice was hoarse and I don't know why I stopped but I guess it was because of my name. She never said my name before.
"Please, please…" she kept on begging. I could see the tears streaming down her cheeks creating a narrow path of water down her bloody cheek.
I wanted to kill her so bad but I couldn't.
I was staring at her blood. It was just as red as mine, just as bright as mine but in the paleness of the hazy moon cascading its light down on us it looked brighter still.
Sometimes you need an experience. That experience can open new windows that you never thought existed, it makes your mind open in new ways that you never understood and then you walk through one door.
I got down and I wiped the blood from her chin and I stared at it for a long time. She just stared back at me, too tired to beg anymore.
I healed her wounds and I washed her face and body as well as I could.
I stayed with her that night.
It was a long night, it was dark and I felt so alone. My life had turned 360º. I didn't know anything anymore. I felt new to the world and it was then that I knew that I didn't have life sussed out. I just watched her breathe and breathe. I watched her breathe the same air as me, I was on the same ground that she was on, I lived in the world that she lived in, I ate what she ate, and her blood was the same as mine.
I could've screamed with anger, I could've screamed in fear, and in confusion. But I didn't, I just watched her.
I wanted to kill her so bad it ached in my bones but I couldn't lift a finger against her.
Because her blood was the same as mine; I always had imagined Granger's blood the color of dirt, all mushy between my fingers. But I discovered that it was as red and as watery as mine.
That morning when she woke up she just looked at me too. We stared at each other for a good long measure of time. In the end I cleared my throat and said:
"You need to use a couple of curses on me. I need a cover story for the Dark Lord. I'll say that you had me ambushed."
She just nodded and got up.
"On the count of three, I'll use the Cruciatus, and then I'll try the Killing Curse I'll miss of course, and then a few hexes. I'll hit of course sometimes but mostly I'll just miss, I'm" she hesitated for a bit, "sorry about the whole ordeal." I wondered, which one?
I gulped at her choices but nodded.
1
2
3
I felt the worse pain imaginable, not as bad as Aunt Bella or as the Dark Lord, himself, but I could practically taste her dislike at me through the curse. I could taste her accusations and her pain. I could also taste her doubt.
After a couple more minutes afterwards we were done. I was relieved because I felt exhausted and then after a while Granger came towards me and whispered thanks. She then tried apparating but she couldn't, she was too weak.
"Where do you need to go?"
I wasn't thinking anymore, I was on autopilot.
"Like I'd tell you," she hissed.
"You are too weak," I spelled it out for her, "not all Death Eaters will show you the mercy that I have. Now, where do you need to go?"
"You just want the Order's Headquarters, I should have known. I guess I was just too daft to realize it sooner." In all fair honesty, I hadn't even thought of it.
"Do you have distress signals?"
"Yes," she breathed.
"Use it," I muttered and then I apparated away. I wasn't as bad as she was. I mean sure, I still hurt all over but Granger had spells used on her I don't even want to think about least of all say out loud. It had taken ages to heal her and I couldn't because I needed evidence against for the Dark Lord, thank God I knew Occlumency and how to change a memory without fog and everything else included. It just had to be very clearly thought out.
When I got home, Mum was in a state. She was crying all over me as I explained how I had been ambushed by Granger and how Richard had apparated away like a coward. My insides churned and I was a bit green. I felt green.
I hated green.
My life was completely turned over and I had no one to confide in. That was when my Dad came home. I never called him Dad, Father was the word I used but I called him Dad in my mind because he was my Dad and I detested how the public portrayed him. He just believed that he and others were purer than snow.
Dad always brought me the fastest brooms, the newest toys and inventions, the finest robes and well you get the point. I loved him and Mum.
I loved them.
But, then Granger came into my mind. Tired, hurt, and her blood…
I felt green again.
Dad came and he hugged me, crushing me. I swear I could have heard a small sob.
"You're home, you're home," he repeated and I knew that in that moment I was screwed because I didn't feel like I was home at all.
I let a few drops of tears here and there but after he let me go they were dried off my face and there was no evidence of the fact that I had been silently crying.
For the next couple of days I debated on what to do. Every time I went to a 'meeting' and saw what was happening I felt worse and worse until I started having nightmares again. Children looking at me with big round eyes, women that were dead, men seeking vengeance all floating around my room in the ceilings, in my head at night, all of them murdered by me, all seeking vengeance and maybe that was when I snapped.
I threw things on the floor, shattered expensive things and basically went all over the place just because I didn't know anything anymore. I was tired, tired, dead tired, of the same thing. Life couldn't just be killing; it had to be something else.
For the next months I laid low, doing jobs here and there but nothing much really. I didn't kill during those months I remember, but I did torture and heal a couple of people and all they did was spit in my face afterwards, I guess I deserved it.
I said before that I don't like keeping time but I will never forget one specific date, April 1, (insert year here).
I understood what courage was,
I understood that courage was when you sucked it all up and stalked one member of the Order of Phoenix just to give them a scroll filled with innermost secrets. Courage was when you went and sucked it all up and went to visit Potter and other members of the Order because they wouldn't believe what you had done, after all I was one of the most sought after Death Eaters.
Courage was to look in Hermione Granger's face and say sorry.
And it took a lot more than courage for her to forgive me.
So there I was, a new leaf turned. That didn't scare me, the fact that I wasn't very much well liked by the Weasleys and anyone else didn't scare me, I wasn't scared by the fact that The Death Eaters didn't like me either because I was about to take Snape's place.
What scared me was that I was happy. I felt hope.
In a war you aren't supposed to be happy, you're supposed to be wetting yourself every time you see a flash or something's moved out of place. You're supposed to be thirsting for blood, like a vampire.
You are not meant to feel hope.
Yet, there I was the foolish idiot. Feeling hope in a time where darkness reigned and every shadow was something evil. It felt nice to be helping people. It felt like a huge burden was being lifted off my shoulders because I knew I was imperfect, I was imperfect like any other bugger out there, like even Saintly Potter who fucked up sometimes.
But I was doing my best.
I remember this one time when there was a little girl, muggle with absolutely no way to protect herself. I was glad that I was alone. I went and told her to sit still and be very quiet. I asked if there was anyone else in the house and she shook her head no.
I heaved a thank you to any deity out there.
"Are you going to kill me?" Her voice was like bells.
"No, I'm not going to kill you."
"Then why are you here?"
"I'm going to help you."
"How?"
"I'm going to take you somewhere safe. We're just waiting for your Mum."
"What about my dad?"
"We'll help him too."
I waited for an hour before her parents came. They both started when they saw me, but I just stupefied them both and then I went to the little girl and told her to take a baseball I had transformed into a portkey. I told her to take both her parents' hands and she did. She disappeared before I could blink.
Then I went to work.
The house was still burning after I left.
I ran full pelt. There was a sort of thing that I appreciated, apparating didn't have a hundred percent chance of saving your behind, running you had a slighter larger chance. When I went back to Voldemort, he smiled this sort of snake like smile.
He was a snake.
Nagini slithered around his feet and every once in a while her eyes would flicker towards me; I tried hard not to shiver. Voldemort stared at me for a while and I could feel him going through my head. It was horrible, I felt sick for ages afterwards.
Afterwards he told me he was pleased with me. I shivered and whispered my 'eternal gratitude.'
"You are so young Draco, so young, and so much like me."
I was about to barf.
"I remember being your age, eighteen is a wonderful age. Oh, how I wished I knew things that I know now. Draco, Draco, Draco how you have risen among the flames, from the ashes that your father had created. You have brought honor back to your family, you have brought back glory!"
Aunt Bella's chest was heaving and her face flushed with pride.
"You Draco have stood out for quite a while but you have yet to receive my Mark."
Al I could think of was Hermione Granger. Did I want to be a part of that?
The answer was clear.
"Next week you will receive your Mark."
Years ago I would've shouted with joy but no today, not ever. So when I got home that night I took everything and I took out a galleon, or what looked like one. Really, it was one of those DA coins.
A second later I apparated away at the usual meeting place.
It was the same forest that I had found Granger in, thankfully not the same place but still it was enough to send shivers down my spine. Soon enough there was Weasley and Potter and funnily enough Neville.
"What is going on?"
"They plan to give me the Mark."
"Are you gonna take it?" Weasley asked.
"No," I whisper, "no way in Hell is that shit gonna be on my arm Weasley."
"Then what are you going to do?"
"I'm going to go away from home; I'll still spy for you of course just that I won't have my cover anymore."
"Where will you stay?" Ah, trust Potter to be the saint.
"I have no idea." At the very least I was honest.
"Let him stay at Headquarters." I stared at surprise at Longbottom.
"No!" And trust Weasley to be homicidal.
"I agree," Potter said the shadows hiding his face.
And that was that.
I went back home and gathered all my things and I stepped onto the estate car. I've only seen the Manor a couple of times after that. I've never had the heart to actually be inside longer than two days, the memories are too overwhelming. It is just too big for one person.
Well, that first night was horrible.
It was a NIGHTMARE.
The house was in an uproar, everyone was all over the place. The Weasleys were less than happy to see me, and so was the rest of the Order. I could hear the whispers
"That's Draco Malfoy"
"He's a Death Eater, what is he doing here?"
"Oh my God, look who that is! I was wondering when they would get the dirt…"
You keep your head down and you get on with it. If you suck up to one particular person people will start muttering about you being an arse kisser. If you're as ruthless as you were when you were on Voldemort's side of the field, people will start muttering about how you're a hard man. Either way you can't win so you keep your head down and get on with it.
It wasn't an easy thing to do. Sometimes you couldn't help but mutter a 'Thanks' to Potter or when you had to, kill another to save your own hide. I felt like I was going to kill myself the first weeks. People couldn't even stand to eat near me and I couldn't stand to eat near them.
Once they were talking about the deaths of Crabbe and Goyle Junior. My stomach dropped to my toes and I excused myself before running to the loo and spilling out all my innards. It hurt and it was hard to see them talk that way about Theo, about Pansy, and others who I shared my dorms with.
About three months after I had turned my back on all of my family, my best mate apparated in the front of Grimmauld Place, on the first step. I'll admit it, I cried and I cried and he just hugged me and took big heaving breaths, tears cascading down his cheeks. He was whispering:
"I don't want to be a Death Eater anymore."
Blaise said that over and over again and I just tried to soothe him. Granger watched from inside, Potter glanced over at Blaise and Weasley spluttered, "Great, more crying Death Eaters."
I could've killed him, I could've watched him suffer under my wrath like so many did, I could've but I didn't. I looked at Potter and he just nodded. I led Blaise inside and we just sat there, staring at the fire the whole night. I knew that he didn't want anything said, I knew that he wanted there to be silence because he was working things through.
It was around midnight when Granger came in; she was in these weird clothes. In her hands were three steaming cups of tea. It smelled wonderful. She set it down on the coffee table sat next to us and just stared at the fire too.
"Want a cup of tea?"
It sounded hoarse but both Blaise and I heard the sincerity in her voice. He took up the cup in shaking hands, she handed me my cup (I took it without complaints). She stayed with us that whole night and she left only when the fire was a pitiful glow of embers.
"Good morning, I guess."
Those were the first human words ever. Even then, after a month, if it wasn't strategies we talked in grunts or with our eyes. She was the first human. She was the first person to acknowledge me in a human manner.
She was the first to accept that we were human too.
I guess that was when I strived for her voice. A simple 'Hi' made my day and Blaise noticed it too.
"You're happier when she's around," we were sitting out by the lake that day. It was a beautiful warm sunny day and I loved it. The breeze carried a watery scent. I loved the water.
"I guess you're right, mate," I whispered. I didn't try to fight it; I acknowledged it.
I liked Hermione Jane Granger.
I didn't love her, not yet.
Months passed and the war was still going on. Three years into the battles and Blaise and I were still alive. I was happy and he was happy. Blaise had actually managed to find himself a girl.
Ginny Weasley, red head extraordinaire, had agreed to become Blaise Zabini's girlfriend. Oh, the tears that Potter had cried! Weasley hated us that much more. I wondered when and if he found out about my attraction to none other than Granger.
Around that time, I guess she started to grow attracted to me to. In any case, she was curious. The dangerous part was that I was a little teeny bit more than curious.
There was one night where we just spent a long moment just staring at each other. Then she finally asked the question I knew I would have had to face sooner or later:
"Why, did you, Draco Malfoy, save me?"
She didn't speak my name with malice or anything like that; she said it like it was directed at another person. I took about a second to respond.
"I don't know. Maybe it was because you were defenseless, maybe because your blood is juts like mine, or maybe because it wasn't your night to die. In any case, Granger, I have no idea."
"But you have to have some sort of clue, some little tiny knowledge of why!"
"That was a long time ago and I still don't know why," I said more to myself than to her. Why did I save her that night? Was it because I hated to see her there? Was it because she was hurt, tired and looked like me on the inside? Was it because she was an old fellow peer?
I didn't know and to this day, I still don't know.
That was when her lips crashed onto mine. It was an awkward kiss; I dunno how to explain it. But her lips… her lips were soft and they tasted like strawberries. Then she just fled the room. I stared, eyes wide, wide open and that was when the lekky went out. I was gonna gaunch out but my eyes stayed open and I just stared at the space that Granger had occupied.
It went on like that for a couple of weeks before we both realized that we were in up to our eyeballs.
She was in my arms, nice and warm and smelling like jasmines. That was when she stiffened, "Oh," she whispered.
"What's wrong?"
"How deep are we?"
I wasn't sure how to answer her. I held her closer and shoved my face in her hair. Hermione Granger was my haven, a garden that had lain untouched by the war and the outside world.
"I love you," I finally managed to whisper. It rolled off my tongue with ease and I just stared surprise at myself because I hadn't even thought about that answer.
It came out naturally.
"That deep, eh?" she muttered and snuggled into my chest.
"Yes, we're in that deep, love, that deep."
A couple of minutes later Weasley ran into the room. He turned this shade of red I had never seen before and he lunged at me like some sort of animal. His wand was pressed against my neck as was mine.
"You're a bastard, Malfoy."
He turned to Hermione, "you knew I wanted to marry you. You knew that I love you! I love you Hermione Jane Granger and I want to take you as my wife. I want us to grow old together and I want us to have kids! I want to be there when you're happy and I want to kiss you when you're sad. I want to fight your demons!
"But you have to let me. Please, He's rotten. He's rotten to the core and I can't-won't- let you ruin yourself this way, Hermione! This isn't the way it was meant to be! You are supposed to be in my arms, in my bed, I'm supposed to be in your heart!"
"This isn't a fairy tale, Ron. This is my life you're talking about. I don't return your feelings, Ron."
"You slag," Weasley muttered, "You are nothing but a slag. A whore, nothing better than a whore, I don't know what I see in you."
That was enough for me; I grabbed my wand and yelled out a rather nasty hex. It sent Weasley sprawling unto the floor. Hermione screamed and I could hear the footsteps thundering down the staircase.
"If you ever refer to Hermione that way again, Weasley, I'll kill you myself when no one is looking, I'll make you hurt so bad you'll regret everything you've done in your life." I let his head slam against the wooden floors and then I went to Hermione's side and held her in my arms again.
Her tears were warm and I felt them trickle down her cheeks. I thought I would kneel over and have them trickle down to my soul. Potter stood silently in the doorway, he had seen everything and I could feel uncertainty radiating from him.
Around that time we were all pretty skint. Since I was no longer considered part of the Malfoy family I didn't have access to my bank account and we were all pretty scatty by then because Blaise and Ginny were engaged.
I was the Best Man and Hermione was the Maid of Honor.
I knew it got her thinking about her own relationship. Everyone knew what was going on between us and speculation soon started that after Blaise and Ginny tied the knot, we were next. I was a bit afraid but I knew what I wanted so one day I went and bought a ring with the last of the money I had saved up.
It was a small ring, delicate but beautiful. In the middle were two emeralds and a single opal in the middle. Slytherin and Gryffindor, an odd combination. I proposed in the middle of the night, in the parlor, with no one there, and with spells going over our heads.
The night I got engaged to Hermione was the night that the Death Eaters i9nflitarted the Order headquarters. I didn't say nay fancy words, I just spelled it out.
"Marry Me!"
"Of course!"
Simple, isn't it? Thankfully we all had our wits about and apparated. The next couple of days were spent opening one squat. It was hell because it was dirty and I could swear I saw one rat scurry past us one night. I won't talk about our days in the squat. There were peaceful days and then there were hard days. Days were we lost and days were we won.
Hermione and I were married one cold February evening. We were both twenty-five and could die any second. Our marriage vows weren't poetic or anything of that sort. We just said the truth. Ginny and Blaise were our witnesses.
Ronald Weasley didn't show up but Harry Potter watched with hurt green eyes. He was hurt but accepted it.
Then on April 27, (insert year here), the final battle raged.
It was long and hard and lasted two days. Harry Potter won but with the war comes casualties. Colin Creevy, Tonks, Lupin, Luna, Professor Snape, Professor Slughorn, and one Ronald Weasley, all had died. There were more, loads more but you probably read all about the war in History of Magic. The War is mentioned there. I'm more than positive. With huge amounts of information on this or the other, the types of spells used (what they won't tell you is that even the Order had used Dark Magic) and etc.
In the month after the war, Hermione and I decided to have a formal wedding. It was a small but beautiful event done properly. She wore this amazing long dress that fitted her like a princess. Blaise and Ginny were our Best Man and Maid of Honor. Potter was surprisingly one of my groomsmen and there was one spot left open for Weasley.
We cried that day, both of us did. She cracked on her wedding vows and I cracked on mine.
I still remember every word she said.
"I'm marrying you today, because I love you. Now, people have asked me how I could love a man like you. I respond how could I not? You, Draco Malfoy, are my sun in my sky, you are the stars that shine in the dark and you are my pillar of strength. You are the man that I want to see every morning that I wake up. I pray for you more than I pray for myself, during the War I was more afraid for you than I was for myself. I wanted you safe in my arms.
"We've managed to overcome everything. We've managed to bend the laws of gravity. We've managed to stay together. I love you, Draco Malfoy."
She was in tears by then.
It was my turn.
"I'm no superman. I'm just as messed up as anyone here. I have my flaws. In my eyes, Hermione Jane Granger, you have no flaws. You have no flaws. I love you for who you are. You are beautiful, strong, and you are my pillar of strength. You are my light of reason. You are my sense of direction. I want you by my side until forever ends."
And that was that.
AN:
I hope you all liked it. It's been a while and I'm a bit rusty. Loved it, hated it, thought it was beautiful, thought it was cheesy? Review, but as long as it is constructive. I hate it when people flame just for the Hell of it.
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