Ray and Krieger went off with the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters. Also I messed up the name of one character and made up another. And I may have made up a few more things as well about LA. Just pretend it's an alternate universe folks. Oh wait…
Ray And Krieger See The Sights
"Looks like Ms. Archer ain't coming in again," Pam remarked to Cheryl as she idly looked at the clock in the bullpen of the Figgis Agency. "It's almost four. Close to quitting time!"
"Quitting what?" Lana snapped as she walked in with Cyril. "All you two have done is eat, drink and read magazines!"
"Nuh, uh!" Cheryl snapped. "We also watched some Me Tube videos and took a nap."
"And I had some real quality dump time," Pam nodded. "Read a whole magazine there."
"Oh, then you did accomplish something," Cyril said sarcastically. "Are Ray and Krieger back yet?"
"Back from where?" Lana asked.
"Ray took Krieger out for a little day trip," Cyril explained.
Pam added. "Krieger was whining about not going any missions so Ray promised him that we would take him somewhere."
"He made the promise," Cyril said. "He had to take him."
"Alone?" Lana gasped. "Oh great! I can only imagine what those two did!"
"You probably don't have to," Cyril quipped. "Odds are it will be on the six o'clock news."
"Not all of it," Krieger said as he and Ray walked in. Both were wearing casual clothes.
"Gotta admit," Ray said. "Today was a lot more fun than I thought it would be."
"Now I'm worried," Cyril groaned. "What did you do?"
"We went to the Hollywood Museum of Wax first," Ray said.
"Am I to assume the attractions are now nothing but a lump of wax?" Lana sighed.
"No!" Krieger snapped. "Nothing happened there!"
"He was good," Ray nodded. "You know disasters don't always happen everywhere we go."
"They always seem to happen whenever you're around me," Cyril grumbled. "Wait what do you mean by nothing happened there?"
"It was really interesting," Ray said, ignoring Cyril. "Some very lifelike exhibits. Loved the pop star exhibit!"
"And I got some pointers and inspiration for designs on future robots," Krieger nodded.
"No more damn robots!" Cyril snapped. "And definitely no robot clones of celebrities!"
"Lame," Krieger scoffed.
"We walked around for a bit after that. Looked at the city. Then we decided to get some lunch," Ray went on. "You know that new restaurant owned by Dude Focaccia?"
"Fo'Shizzle?" Pam perked up. "How did you two assholes get in there? It's one of the hottest joints in town!"
"It was," Krieger said. "Literally…"
"Not literally…" Cyril corrected.
"Actually, it was literally in this case," Ray sighed. "On account of the fire…"
"EEEE!" Cheryl perked up with glee.
"What did you two do?" Lana glared at them.
"It wasn't us! I swear!" Krieger protested. "It was all Grace Ryan's fault!"
"Well maybe not all her fault," Ray told him. "Darlene Love was a tad pushy."
"Wait the newscasters?" Lana asked. "What do they have to do with it?"
"They got into a brawl at the restaurant!" Ray said.
"And it's already online!" Pam shouted. She was looking at her lap top.
"Y'all gotta see this," Ray said. "Pam put it up on the big screen."
Pam did so. There was a shot of a fancy restaurant with people eating. "This is Darlene Love of Jaguar News." The familiar African-American reporter spoke. "One of the hottest spots to eat in LA is the latest brainchild from famous chef Dude Focaccia. Fo'Shizzle is the place to see and be seen."
The scene cut to a mocha skinned chef with wild hair sitting at a table with a familiar looking blonde woman. And another familiar looking woman was interviewing them. "So, Dude," Grace Ryan reporter asked. "What's it like being the hottest chef in LA?"
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?" Darlene shouted as she stormed up to Grace.
"I'm doing this new thing," Grace glared at her. "It's called interviewing."
"Didn't you get fired?" Darlene snapped. "When that mess of a TV station was shut down."
"Technically I wasn't fired," Grace snapped. "I was downsized. But I'm working again. At Wolf News Network. Wolf News, we're ahead of the pack!"
"You're working for those right-wing nut jobs?" Darlene snapped. "What am I saying? You'd fit right in there!"
"At least I'm not a mouthpiece for a left wing socialist lunatic fringe!" Grace snapped. "Who wouldn't know the truth if it was handed to them!"
"Your network has some interesting ideas of what truth is," Darlene snapped as the two newswomen stood off.
"At least my network doesn't harp over the same story over and over again without checking the facts!" Grace snapped back.
"Speaking of facts. Here's one," Darlene snapped. "You need to go because I am interviewing Dude here."
"Shut up bitch," Grace snarled. "This is my story not yours!"
In the background at a table were Ray and Krieger. They were finishing up their meal but had stopped to watch the whole thing. "Holy star-snacks!" Pam said. "You two are on TV!"
"How did you get in there anyway?" Lana asked as the two anchors bickered on camera.
"And how did you pay for that meal?" Cyril realized. "That place is expensive!"
"In order," Ray sighed. "Krieger knew a guy. Don't ask."
"We won't," Lana said.
"And secondly paying for it wasn't the problem," Ray pointed. "Watch. You'll see why!"
"You always were a second-rate reporter!" Darlene snapped. "Faking her way through her job."
"Who are you calling fake?" Grace snapped. "At least I didn't change my name in order to get higher ratings! Darcele Jones!"
"I always knew you were a sellout!" Darlene snapped. "But even I didn't think you'd sink so low as to go to Wolf News! The mouthpiece for a bunch of racist rich troglodytes!"
"The people who back your network aren't exactly declaring bankruptcy!" Grace snapped. "And I wouldn't call them the most enlightened people in the world either!"
"At least we're not hypocrites and cheaters!" Darlene snapped.
"Oh my God!" Grace groaned. "Your candidate lost the election! DEAL WITH IT!"
"Only because of tampering and cheating!" Darlene snapped.
"Not why your side lost and you know it!" Grace snarled. "You lost because nobody wanted your candidate to win!"
"We won the popular vote!" Darlene snapped.
"Tell it to the Teen Choice Awards!" Grace snapped. "Now step aside!"
"You step aside!" Darlene snapped.
Both women shoved each other at the same time. "Yo! Ladies!" Dude got up. "There's enough of the Dude to go around…"
"SHUT UP!" Both woman shouted as they shoved Dude back into a chair so hard he fell down.
"HEY!" The familiar blonde shot up. "That's my boyfriend, you bitches! Nobody pushes him around except me!" She then attacked both newswomen. Soon all three of them were fighting.
"Hey I know that bitch," Pam said. "Isn't that the blonde Archer was hitting on before he macked on Veronica Deane?"
"I told you it was her!" Ray said to Krieger. Turning to the others he added. "She's an actress. Her name is Nora Prentiss."
Lana realized something. "Isn't that also the name of a movie where this woman ruins a guy's life by having an affair with him?"
"Talk about your typecasting," Pam quipped. "But I just saw her in one of those Wife Time movies on TV. About that girlfriend who's accused of murdering her cheating lover. And it turned out it was the wife all along. Spoiler alert: She played the wife."
Meanwhile on screen all three women were fighting furiously. Their fighting knocked over several lit candles which set fire to several tablecloths. Then very quickly set fire to several tables.
"I have to admit," Lana sighed as the fire quickly got out of control. "It's nice to know we're not the only people accidental fires keep happening to."
"Told you we didn't do anything there," Krieger smirked.
"You keep saying the word there," Cyril said. "That's what worries me."
"They're already spinning what happened on both networks," Pam looked at her laptop. "Wolf News is backing Ryan saying she's a victim of the liberal media. And Jaguar News is backing Love saying that she's the victim of the far-right media."
"But they both attacked each other at the exact same time," Cyril blinked. "The tape clearly shows that."
"Facts don't always matter when it comes to the news, Cyril," Pam scoffed. "Everybody knows that."
"The point is we didn't cause any trouble there," Krieger spoke up.
"You keep saying there," Cyril said. "I want to know why."
"It's a shame," Ray ignored him. "That food was really good. And we did see some famous people. Before they burned the place down."
"Well it wouldn't be LA without a couple of celebrity sightings," Pam admitted. "And scandals."
"At the very least we did have a free meal," Ray said.
"You dined and dashed, didn't you?" Lana groaned.
"Lana if a few crazy celebrities go at it in a restaurant and set the place on fire, it's not technically a dine and dash!" Ray told her. "It's a dine and run for your life!"
"Like we were the only ones," Krieger scoffed.
"Exactly," Ray said. "Well after that excitement Krieger and I decided we should just walk around town for a bit."
"As far away from the restaurant so nobody would know we were there," Krieger said. "And we wouldn't have to pay."
"That's when our day started to get interesting," Ray admitted.
"Started to get interesting?" Lana asked. "What a celebrity brawl and accidental arson wasn't interesting enough?"
"Normally yes," Ray sighed. "But not today."
"What did you do?" Cyril glared at them.
"After all the excitement we realized we were still hungry and a bit thirsty," Krieger went on. "Ray and I kept looking around the city and then we happened to discover this little festival on one of the side streets."
"Festival?" Lana asked. "What kind of festival?"
"Uh…" Krieger and Ray paused.
"Let's see if it's online already," Pam looked at her laptop.
"There's nothing online," Ray said.
"Nothing to see," Krieger added. "We just found a little festival going on one of the side streets."
"Had some drinks," Ray added.
"Listened to some music," Krieger added. "Met some interesting people."
"Just had some harmless fun," Ray finished.
"Here it is," Pam called out. "Riot at Gay Anime Cosplay Event in Little Tokyo."
"Okay that we did," Krieger admitted.
"There it is!" Cyril threw up his hands.
"Are there any pictures of us?" Ray winced.
"It's hard to tell," Pam looked. "There are a lot of guys in Sailor Moon outfits fighting with…Nazis?"
"There was a separate group that tried to make trouble," Ray explained. "See the Neo-Nazi group decided to march through the cosplay event. They're the ones who started it! Not us!"
"We're just the ones who finished it," Krieger nodded.
"You were fighting Nazis?" Pam looked at Krieger. "Must have been a conflict of interest for you."
"Not as much as you'd think," Krieger admitted. "I really like cosplay."
"And when they all started fighting we all fought back," Ray said. "You know a lot of those cosplayers are also martial artists?"
"They also had some very heavy wands, sticks and a few real swords," Krieger said.
"You were actually in the fight?" Lana asked Krieger asked.
"Technically I wasn't in the fight as much per say…" Krieger coughed.
Pam read on. "According to this one of the anime displays started shooting out fireworks and real fire."
"I jury rigged a Pokémon float that had a Charizard on it," Krieger admitted.
"The fire is currently burning half of Little Tokyo," Pam read on.
"I may have gone a tad overboard," Krieger admitted.
"Damn it!" Cheryl snapped her fingers. "I should have gone."
"Here's something else," Pam went on. "A mysterious cosplayer with unbelievable speed was involved in the fight. He or she is described as wearing a pink and white kimono, a pink wig, a white mask covering the face and a single glove covering one hand. Goes by the name Princess Moon Ray."
Pam put up the picture on the large screen. Everyone looked at Ray. "That could be anyone," Ray coughed.
"Where'd you get the kimono Ray?" Lana sighed. "From your collection?"
"Actually, I kind of borrowed it using…" Ray paused. "Dukes."
"So, you're better at fighting when nobody knows it's you?" Pam quipped.
"I just felt so empowered," Ray admitted with a blush.
"I feel like I'm in Hell," Cyril sighed. "Which is pretty much every day of my existence."
"Yeah, yeah…" Cheryl waved. "Sing us a tune we don't know!"
"Well obviously Mallory shouldn't know about what happened today," Lana sighed.
"I didn't know how comfy kimonos were," Krieger admitted.
"I don't know why I still stay with these people," Cyril groaned.