The Phoenix Knows
The Phoenix lurks in the back of Jean's mind, a mostly ignored and rarely explored part of herself. She is no longer dangerous. It has been a long time since Alcatraz, since Jean was saved by Logan and the Phoenix forced to relinquish control. The good - safe - part of Jean harbours a lot of guilt and remorse, and it has taken a long time for her to begin to understand that the events weren't entirely her fault.
She ignores the Phoenix because the Phoenix reminds her of the pain and horror she inflicted on the world. She gets by daily, trying to focus on the 'now' rather than the 'then', knowing that her actions of the past cannot be changed, but that she can move forward.
But that is not the only reason why the Phoenix is ignored.
Jean sighs grumpily as she sits on the steps outside the mansion. It is one in the morning and the sky is dark and rainy. Her hair is drenched but she ignores it, allowing the remain to soak her, matching her abysmal mood.
The feelings are growing stronger and the Phoenix is smirking, reminding her that she knows something important, something that Jean is refusing to acknowledge but will have to face eventually.
She wonders if Storm is the reason for the rain, and if so, why?
The rain has been growing on Jean recently. She used to hate it, partly out of vanity, and partly because she favoured warm, dry weather, but recently the cold wetness had become a regular comfort. It is uncomfortable and makes her shiver...
But it is familiar.
A lightning bolt flashes through the sky.
It is easy to read the minds of others when they are asleep. Their guards are down, leaving them defenceless. The only ones who might allies her presence would be other telepaths like Charles Xavier. But although the Phoenix might not give a damn, Jean has a strict morale that she will respect the privacy of other people. Still, it is sometimes difficult not to give into temptation.
I wonder what she is thinking...
She brushes the thought aside but the Phoenix is feeling gleeful a Jean's lack of ability to abandon such thoughts. There have been more and more of them as of recently. The Phoenix knows, to Jean's irritation, that eventually she will have no choice but to consult her in order to find the answer she is looking for.
The rain soon dries up. It crosses Jean's mind that she ought to go to bed, but she doesn't move.
The dreams will return when I sleep. Wonderful dreams which have replaced the terrible nightmares, but nonetheless, dreams which I should not be having.
Beautiful dreams of rain and lightning. Jean used to have nightmares about Scott, but recently they'd taken a backseat to these new, strange dreams. They made her feel wonderful and guilty that she was finally letting Scott go.
She does not need to turn around to feel the distinct wavelength of the second mind behind her.
'Jean.'
'Ororo,' she responds.
She can feel herself tensing, can hear the faint chuckle of the Phoenix's voice in the back of her head.
'Couldn't sleep?'
Ororo comes and sits beside her. The rain briefly returns with a small bolt of lightning, then dries up again.
Jean shakes her head.
'Bad weather day?'
The sudden downpour speaks for itself.
The temptation to read Ororo's mind is huge. The Phoenix is mocking her, making fun of the fact that Jean is having a hard time resisting.
You know you want to, she smirks. Jean ignores her, though she can't deny the Phoenix is right.
She watches Ororo as hoards of emotions strike her. Sitting next to her is one of the many, many people who got hurt because Jean was unable to control the Phoenix. Not so long ago, Ororo had been one of her best friends. Now Jean no longer believed that she deserved friends anymore. The Phoenix insisted she didn't need them, but…
Jean remembers the tension when she first regained control. Even Logan, who loved her so much, who had rescued her, had been afraid to come near her. She's unstable, they all said. She might lose control again. She might kill us all.
The worst thing is, she knows that back then it was possible. The Phoenix could strike at any time.
You've come so far, says the Phoenix. You know, I miss the days where it was easy to gain my freedom.
She decides that, for all the hurt and pain she's caused her friend, the least she can do is stay out of her head.
'I died twice for my freedom,' she admits. The first time, at Alkali Lake, when she had saved the X-jet, and the barriers on her mind were finally broken. The second time, at Alcatraz, where she died to escape the Phoenix, because she could no longer stand that her body was being used to hurt innocent people.
She shouldn't be sitting here right now.
'I missed you both times,' Ororo responds.
There is a low growl of thunder. The sky flashes black and white and a harsh, cold wind is blowing. All this is both comforting and painful to Jean.
'I'm sorry.'
Then the storm abruptly stops and they are surrounded by silence.
Looks as though you have quite an effect on her, the Phoenix muses.
Jean extends her mind and raises a dead leaf off the ground. She uses her powers to start ripping the leaf to shreds. The pieces fall to the ground, lifeless and still. She raises another leaf and repeats the process.
Ororo's mind is projecting anguish, which Jean has to try hard to block out. She doesn't want to feel the pain that she, herself, inflicted on Ororo, but the projection is so strong that she struggles to block it out.
I deserve to feel it anyway, she thinks.
'Don't leave again.' Ororo's voice is breaking. 'I don't think I could handle it.'
A feeling rises inside of Jean. The same one she's been feeling for a while – the strange, unexplained one that she's spent a while denying, that she knows she must eventually turn to Phoenix to learn what it is. With all the guilt welling up inside of her, all the pain she can feel projected from Ororo's mind, she feels her resolve crumble. Searching inside her mind, she locates the Phoenix's presence.
Why do I feel this way? she asks her counterpart.
The Phoenix smirks.
Funny that she should be the one who breaks your resolve, when she's the one you've been denying for all this time.
What do you mean?
How do you really feel about her, Jean?
She's my best friend.
You speak from denial. You know the real answer deep down.
The leaves are beginning to swirl around her. She looks at Ororo, taking her in, reminding herself of the years of memories they'd created together. She thinks of how she destroyed all of that by allowing the Phoenix to take over. She marvels that Ororo is even sitting next to her out here at all, especially when she could have chosen – with good reason – to avoid her.
But Ororo didn't make that choice. Instead, she chose to stay, to keep being Jean's friend despite everything.
And Jean realises she's known the answer to her question all along.
The leaves fall to the ground.
About time, says the Phoenix.
'I'm not going to leave. I couldn't handle it either.'
Her own voice breaks. The two quietly cry together.
And Jean knows that she will never, ever allow the Phoenix to control her again. She loves Ororo far too much to let that happen.
For the first time, the presence in her mind is completely and utterly silent.
A/N: First X-Men fanfiction! Hope you enjoyed - review please?