Disclaimer: I don't own Glee.

Note: Before you even ask me in the reviews, yes, there is such a thing as "bacon lube", which I found out the hard way in a very strange conversation with one of my friends last week. While my crush was there. Yeah…anyway, here you go. This is kind of a crack!fic and a sex!fic all in one.

Warning: Sex. Lots of it.

"God, I'm craving bacon," Kurt complained.

"Since when do you eat bacon?" Finn looked at him curiously. "You never eat bacon."

"I would if you didn't eat it all before I could get to the table," Kurt retorted.

"Maybe you shouldn't sleep in until noon, then," Finn shot back.

"Guys, knock it off," Artie rolled his eyes.

"You know," Rory said with a sly look on his normally angelic face. "They do make bacon-flavored lubricant, Kurt. Perhaps you and Blaine could invest in some."

"What?" Kurt nearly fell off his chair.

"Dude, are you serious?" Fin stared at Tory.

"I may or may not have some in my room," he smirked. "Want to borrow some?"

"Aw man, my girlfriend's a vegan," Finn groaned.

"Who said you have to use it with Rachel?" Kurt winked.

"Dude, we're stepbrothers," Finn was appalled by even the thought of it.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Rory shot Kurt a look.

"Oh, yes," Kurt narrowed his eyes. "Bacon orgy."

"So who here likes bacon?" All hands went up except for Rachel's.

"Animals should not be killed for their meat," she said, "nor for clothing. I'm strongly…"

"Shut up," Santana coughed. Rachel sat back down.

"Don't tell me," Mercedes pointed at Rory, "that you've never had bacon either."

"On the contrary," Kurt smiled knowingly. "Rory loves bacon, and with the exception of Barbra Jr. over here," Rachel scowled, "so do the rest of you. In fact…"

"This," Rory held up a bottle, "is bacon-flavored lubricant."

"Oh my God," Mercedes' eyes lit up.

"For real?" Sam licked his lips.

"As real as the sun," Rory told them, blushing a little at how lame that sounded.

"Dude, that's awesome," Puck stood up. "I'm down for some of that."

"I'm in," Santana leapt to her feet. They all looked at her. "Okay, so my uncle makes really good bacon. Not like I eat it all the time," she fluffed her hair casually.

"I'm so out of here," Rachel muttered.

Quinn put a hand on her shoulder. "No, stay." Rachel begrudgingly did so.

"Wait," Puck stared at the grinning boy. "Are you…you…?"

"Yep," Rory nodded. "Right here. Right now."

"Shit, Irish," Santana nodded approvingly. "Now this, Auntie 'Tana likes."

"Hell yes," Puck started unzipping his jeans, revealing that he had, in fact, gone commando that day.

"Oh my," Rachel's eyes widened nicely.

"It's no big deal. I've seen bigger," Santana said.

"Like Kurt," Blaine blurted out. They all turned to stare at him now. Kurt flushed in a mix of pride and embarrassment.

"Prove it," Santana demanded.

"Yeah, nothing's bigger than Puckzilla," Puck crossed his arms.

"Oh, all right." Kurt made a big show of undoing his trousers and underwear to show that he was, indeed, bigger than Puck.

"Oh my God," Sam muttered, becoming obviously aroused by this, as were Artie and Rory, and interestingly enough, Mike.

"Someone should try out the lube," Rory whispered.

"Me," Sam volunteered.

"Suck me," Puck demanded, slathering the lube on his very erect penis. Sam hesitantly licked it a little.

"Wow, it really does taste like bacon." He began sucking and licking in earnest, Puck groaning and grunting in pleasure. Mercedes at first looked appalled by this, her ex-boyfriend giving, well, her other ex-boyfriend a blowjob in front of her. Yet, she didn't turn and run from Kurt's basement.

"Anyone else really turned on?" Quinn murmured. The other girls nodded. "Good." Within minutes, the group was naked, even Rachel. "Come here," Quinn said softly to her, cupping Rachel's breasts gently while kissing her deeply. Rachel moaned softly. Finn should've been angry to see his girlfriend and his ex-girlfriend go at it, but found himself aroused instead.

Meanwhile, Rory found himself in Artie's lap somehow. Kurt laughed; he'd seen this coming for months now. He felt two strong arms wrap around him and an erection pressed against his back. "Hey baby," he smiled as Blaine sucked on the back of his neck.

"So where's that lube?" Blaine whispered hotly in Kurt's ear. Kurt grabbed it from the floor by Artie's chair (where he found that Rory had finally gone down on Artie) and brought it back over to Blaine, who rubbed some on his cock, gently pushing Kurt down on his hands and knees, causing Kurt to hiss as he pushing himself in.

"Whoa," Mercedes kicked back, surveying the scene before her. Brittany was fingering Santana off in one corner of the room. In another corner, Mike and Tina were fucking passionately. Kurt and Blaine were off to one side, whereas Puck and—to her dismay, Sam—were fucking on the other side of the basement. She heard squeals to her left and looked over to see Rachel receiving oral sex from Quinn while Finn watched all-too-happily, stroking himself as he did. She didn't even have to look over at Rory and Artie to know that they were grinding and humping against each other like crazy.

How ironic, she thought, that out of the six couples currently in one state of sexual activity or another, only one was straight. She figured she might as well have fun with this—and it could be potential blackmail later! How sad for Sugar to be away for the weekend right now, she thought to herself, and Mercedes had to wonder how Sugar would react to her boyfriends' humping of the boy she nearly chose. She snickered and wrote everything down in her phone's notepad app.

"Oh God, Blaine, yes, yes," Kurt was moaning rather loudly.

"Oh my God, Quinn…right there…yes…that's it!" Rachel threw her head back in pleasure as Quinn continued to lick her vagina.

"Shit, Puck," Sam was panting heavily. "Shit…oh shit…I'm…I'm coming!"

"God, you taste good," Rory mumbled to Artie, who moaned in response.

Mercedes watched as, one by one, each couple hit their climax.

"I really want bacon now," she said to no one in particular, and climbed the stairs to make some for everyone, who gradually trudged up the stairs after coming down from their respective orgasmic highs.

And so they all sat around in the kitchen, eating bacon. Except for Rachel.

"Argh!" Kurt woke up sweating, his underwear soaked with cum.

"What is it?" Blaine rubbed his eyes blearily.

"I had the weirdest dream that we all had a…a bacon orgy…" Kurt put a hand on his head.

"Kurt, that wasn't a dream. That happened last night," Blaine reminded him.

"…fuck."

The End!