A/N: Another oneshot. No one was actually expecting me to update my chaptered stories, right? No harm done.
Disclaimer: I don't own them. Yes, I hide them in my closet sometimes, but unfortunately, that doesn't make them mine.
You'll Never Guess
"—And she slaps me! I was just trying to help her, you know?"
"Uh huh," says Remus, whose entire face is currently buried in a huge book.
"It's like she can't appreciate me for who I am. Smorgasbord," says James to the portrait. It swings open and the two Marauders step through.
It is then that James and Remus find themselves flat on their asses and covered in peanut butter in the deserted Common Room.
--
"I swear, Moony, if people could have sex with books…"
Remus lowered his textbook to peer over the top. "I assume the rest of that sentence is, 'then you'd be a whore.'"
Sirius sat down in the chair across from Remus, grinning. "You know me too well, dear Moony."
"Not just that. I can also read your mind."
"Is that so? Well, what am I thinking right now?"
Remus put his book down on the table next to him. "You're thinking that you wish you were as smart as me."
"Nope."
"You're thinking about that time with James and Peter and the crayons—"
"Nope."
"Your hair? You're thinking about your hair, aren't you?"
"Not this time."
"Well, I give up, then," said Remus, yawning. "What is it?"
Sirius grinned. Broadly and spectacularly. "You, covered from head to toe in peanut butter."
The relaxed expression that Remus had been wearing disappeared completely.
"Yup." Sirius nodded.
Remus had meant, at this point, to ask, "WHY?!" but instead had said something like, "Narghf?"
Sirius was amused. Remus was blushing and it was quite adorable.
Remus stared at Sirius. He was sure his mouth was open, but he couldn't summon the muscle power needed to close it. He blinked. Sirius was smirking. It was rather unsettling.
Finally, said smirker got up, walked behind Remus, and placed both hands on his shoulders. "This will be fun."
Remus craned his neck to stare at him. His expression was somewhere between mildly disgusted and slightly horrified. Sirius passed it off as adorable, smiled sweetly, and then left.
--
"Damn," says Sirius. "I didn't know you were with him, Prongs."
"What the hell!" shouts Remus, frantically trying to wipe off his pants.
"Did it get in your hair? Oh, goody, it did," says Sirius, rising from his place on the couch and coming to inspect Remus.
Finally, James voices a thought. "I HATE YOU."
"Yes, well, I didn't mean to get it on you, did I?" says Sirius, walking in circles around Remus, who is silently fuming, to survey him.
"I'm going to take a shower," announces James bitterly.
Sirius ignores him and smiles at Remus. "Remember that conversation we had last week—"
"Yes I remember you arrogant pig what am I supposed to do now you've ruined my robes I supposed I'm going to have to leave them outside in the rain or something that's the only solution I can see—"
"I can clean them."
Remus gawks. Sirius smiles.
"…How the hell did you ever get all this peanut butter on the floor, anyway?" asks Remus, calming down, although not quite sure if he believes Sirius really knows a cleaning spell.
Sirius replaces his complacent smile with a smirk. "First Years."
Remus tilts his head questioningly.
"I won a really difficult game of Exploding Snap," says Sirius to elaborate.
It clicks. "Bets? You paid the First Years to cover the room with peanut butter with money you won from Exploding Snap?"
"Yup." Sirius smiles proudly.
Remus shakes his head. He is smiling now. "That takes some devotion, I suppose."
Sirius is grinning. Something in Remus's chest goes "THUMP" and he nearly jumps, biting his lip in nervous surprise.
Sirius's mind explodes. Many times over.
"I'll clean them now," he says. "But I can't get it out of your hair."
"That's okay," Remus says a bit awkwardly.
They stare at each other, then Remus turns away. Sirius points his wand at him and mutters something. Suddenly, Remus's robes are back to normal. He gasps. "I didn't actually think you could do it."
"You doubt me, Moony?"
"Not anymore."
There is a silence that would have been awkward had their friendship not been restored. Sirius walks over and places a hand on Remus's shoulder. "We missed dinner. Let's go to the kitchens and get some food."
"With peanut butter in my hair?!"
The familiar grin is back. "There's a certain pantry I'm thinking of that could probably help you with that."
"…Creeper." Remus bats the hand off his shoulder only to find it entwined with his own in a matter of seconds.
"Dinner?" asks Sirius innocently.
"…Yes, Padfoot. Dinner."