FLASHBACK
HAZEL'S POV
Following Augustus through the busy streets of Amsterdam, I dragged my oxygen tank behind me with a reserved look upon my face. Yesterday hadn't been nearly as wonderful as either of us had imagined; Peter Van Houten was our literary idol and he'd turned out to be a complete fake! I could see the disappointed on Gus' face as soon as we left, and even more so this morning. Maybe he regretted what had happened last night? I really hoped not; it was one of the best moments of my life. We were a hot mess, both of us having no idea what we were doing, but Gus somehow managed to make it magical. Even the thought of lying beside him afterwards made my cheeks crimson, not able to take the smile off my face.
I knew that there was something that was bothering him, but I decided not to question it. Surely he'd tell me when he was ready? Shaking the thought from my mind after a few moments, I continued to follow Augustus until he paused at a bench by the river. It was a beautiful morning in the city, the cool wind making my hair looked tousled and unkempt, not that it took a lot of work. We had spent the morning having breakfast with my mother, who asked us about our visit with Van Houten. I brushed off her question as she asked about how we'd spent our evening, not wanting to go into detail about my virginity being taken by my one legged boyfriend.
Biting down on my bottom lip as the silence continued, I willed him to say something as I sat down beside him. I didn't want to ask him directly if something was wrong, he was good at brushing things off and acting as if they didn't matter. That was Gus, the stubborn, optimistic, heroic love of my life. Collapsing the handle on my oxygen tank to ease the silence, I leant my head against his shoulder; taking in his comforting scent. Would I ever get bored of being around him?
Keeping silent for a further few minutes, I took a sigh of relief as I heard him clear his throat to speak. "Just before you went into the ICU, I...I had this ache in my hip," he began, not able to look me in the eyes. I could tell by the expression on his face that it was bad; he never usually frowns like this. Taking his hand and lacing my fingers through his, I squeezed his hand reassuringly; willing him desperately to continue as I buried my face into the crook of his neck.
"I went for a PET scan, and it lit up like a Christmas tree," he announced finally, closing his eyes tightly to hold back the tears that threatened to fall down his cheeks. This was it. My heart sunk instantly, like someone had drained the remaining oxygen from my lungs and left me for dead. We had been so washed up in each other, that we had forgotten the true reason that had bought us together; CANCER
Biting down on my bottom lip as I squeezed his hand once more, I cleared my throat; holding back the sob that fought its way up my throat. What did he expect me to say? I loved him with all my heart, but I wasn't going to lie when I said that I hadn't prepared for something like this. It was naive of me to think of it now, but I couldn't help but imagine a long and happy life with Augustus Waters (well, as long as possible with cancer). He had been in remission for nearly eighteen months and barring the water filling my lungs, my stage four hadn't become any worse. Surely that was a good enough reason for me to get my hopes up?
And as he looked at me with those shining blue eyes, I knew at that moment he was scared, of cancer and of oblivion. He had this obsession of leaving a mark on the world; wanting to be the unsung hero like Staff Sergeant Max Mayhem. It made him feel powerful and strong; that he could conquer the world. I hated to burst his bubble, but cancer couldn't be fixed by an ideal. It was a horrible and destructive disease that robbed both children and adults of their lives and no amount of heroism or selflessness would change that.
"It's in the lining of my chest, my kidneys, everywhere," Gus explained further, sending a sad yet crooked smile in my direction. Even when he was hurting, he still wanted to be brave knight on horseback. "I...I'm sorry," he muttered finally, as I shook my head in anger. This couldn't be happening, what had we done to deserve this? It should have been me, not him! Sniffling softly as a single tear rolled down my cheek, Augustus pulled me closed to his chest; flinching in pain at the contact. "C...Can we just try and forget that I'm not dying?" He asked honestly, gazing into my eyes for an answer
It was my turn to be strong for him, I couldn't let him down. Wiping the tears from my cheek with the sleeve of my jacket, I tried to shut out the idea of living my life without him; the image of his lifeless, cancer ridden body sending a shiver down my spine. "I don't think your dying Gus, I just think you have a touch of cancer," I admitted, leaning my forehead against his.
END OF FLASHBACK
It had been nearly two weeks since we'd returned from our trip to Amsterdam, and Gus had been trying to settle into the routine of being a kid with cancer. I'd found out later that he'd postponed the start of his chemotherapy to come to the Netherlands; much to the disappointment of his parents and doctor. Knowing that he would never have been strong enough once the drugs began to kick in, Gus put up with the pain in order to make my dream come true.
His hair was beginning to fall out slowly as the chemicals took over his body, not that it seemed to bother him. Augustus Waters was still the beautiful man that I knew and loved, he was just a little more fragile. I'd been spending almost every day with him; scared that if I left him I may never get the chance to see his smiling face again. It was a negative way of thinking, but cancer had a way of kicking you upside down when you least expected it. My parents didn't approve of the frequent visits and lack of care for my own well being, but how on earth did they expect me to eat or sleep when I was terrified of losing the person I loved?
Pulling into the driveway of the Water's home for the sixth time this week, I took a deep breath before releasing my tight grip from the steering wheel. I had to mentally prepare myself each time I came here, just in case his cancer stricken body had become significantly worse over my twelve hour absence. I was the first to know that cancer kids have both good and bad days, but I couldn't help but pray for the good. Grabbing my oxygen tank from the passenger seat, I made my way out of the car before slowly making my way up the driveway to the front door.
Before I'd even placed my hand on the button for the doorbell, Mrs Waters greeted me with a gentle yet saddened smile upon her face. "Hi Hazel, how're you doing?" She asked, wrapping her soft arms around my shoulders and hugging me tightly. Muttering words of reassurance about my own health into her ear, Melinda pulled away a few moments later with a concerned look upon her face.
"He's just had another round of chemo and it's making him sick. I was going to phone you but your mother said you were already on your way here. I...I just want you to be prepared that's all sweetheart, you know that Gus loves you and he just wants to protect you from seeing him like this," she explained in a proud tone, knowing that her son was fighting courageously against an almost impossible opponent.
Smiling shyly to myself at the thought of Augustus worrying about me, I looked up at his mother with a sympathetic look upon my face. There were deep bags underneath her eyes, evidence that she hadn't slept in weeks. I remembered my mother looking like that pre-miracle, like all of the happiness had been drained from her; leaving a grieving, empty shell behind. "It's okay, I know what it s like," I admitted, looking down at the porch for a few moments before returning my gaze to her. "I can look after him for a few hours, it looks like you could do with some sleep," I admitted honestly, running my hand down her arm in an attempt to comfort her.
Nodding gently after a few moments of silence, Mrs Waters mouthed a 'thank you' before disappearing up the staircase to where I assumed was her bedroom. Gus' father had tried to get some more time from work to share the work load of caring for his son, but had to return a few days ago. He must have felt awful, I know that dad did when he had to leave for a business trip when I was sick.
Lifting my oxygen tank over the front step and into the hallway, I closed the door behind me before walking down the small corridor towards the kitchen. Once there, I leant against the doorframe as I caught sight of Augustus asleep on the large leather sofa in the living room. Attached to his chest was a transparent tube, which led to a bag of reddish liquid, labelled 'CHEMOTHERAPY' in big bold letters; as if anybody needed reminding what it was.
Taking a few deep breaths to calm my racing heart rate, I dragged my oxygen tank across the carpet before pausing in front of him. He always looked so peaceful when he was asleep; without the G-tube you wouldn't even know he was sick. Kneeling down beside him with a saddened smile, I ran my hand gently across his forehead. "Gus, it's Hazel," I told him, wondering how much he could understand in his semi-conscious state. "Do you need anything? Have you eaten anything?" I asked, hoping that he didn't mind me waking him from his sleep.
Groaning softly as he woke, Augustus' eyes fluttered open before a small smile graced his face at the sight of me. "H...Hazel Grace," he stuttered, clearing his throat that was clearly dry. Without saying a word, I grabbed a bottle of water from the coffee table and opened it; sitting him up slowly before placing it to his lips. Taking a few welcomed sips of the liquid, Gus leant his head back before catching his breath; a simple task seeming like a struggle. "I...I asked my mother to call you. I didn't want seeing me like t..." He paused mid-sentence, covering his mouth and leaning over the side of the couch before vomiting violently onto the carpet. Cancer sure as hell wasn't a graceful battle!
Quickly grabbing a bowl from the TV unit, I held it under his chin as he continued to vomit; rubbing circles onto his back in a comforting manor. It took a few minutes for the sickness to subside, before Gus collapsed into the fabric of the sofa, tired and restless. I hated to see him like this, but I had no choice but to support him in any way I could; even if that meant being surrounded by my boyfriend's sick.
Placing the now half-filled bowl onto the coffee table, I fumbled in my pocket for a clean tissue before wiping his mouth softly. I could tell that he felt completely helpless, but was too exhausted to tell me to stop fussing. I wouldn't of course; as I know he'd do the same for me in a heartbeat.
"So you had bacon and egg for breakfast huh?" I asked with a soft smile, trying to find some humour in this depressing situation we found ourselves in. Turning to face me with a tired expression, Augustus let out a strained laugh as he winced in pain at the movement. "That's disgusting Hazel Grace," he muttered, taking hold of my hand and squeezing it weakly before his eyes began to droop closed.
This was the Gus I wanted to remember; the fun loving, intelligent, amazing young man that always could find a funny side in an almost impossible situation. I loved him, and cancer or not that wasn't going to change.