Inferno Girl

The girl on fire. That's what they call me. That's what I am. I represent hope to all the districts. I represent a way of fighting the Capitol, a way of rebelling without the will to rebel. I just want to escape. Escape from the Games, because they follow me everywhere. The Capitol want the viewers to believe we live happily ever after when the Games are over. But how could we? We watched our allies die, killed people we didn't know when we knew their families would miss them. We watched mutts with the faces and eyes of the tributes come to maul us to death. And then, in the Quarter Quell, I lost him. Peeta Mellark. The boy with the bread.

Well, how well do the girl on fire and the boy with the bread fit together? I can't answer that. When bread reaches fire, it burns. And I am burning him, though he doesn't know it. Every step he takes towards me is a step towards death. It's the same for my family, for Gale, for Gale's family, for Haymitch, for Madge. Everyone I know, anyone I have ever loved. Cinna is gone. My poor innocent prep team too. At least I didn't have to watch them die. Watching Cinna die was like ripping out a part of my heart. If that was ripping my heart, hearing the Jabberjays scream in Prim and Gale's voice destroyed it. Do I even have a functioning heart now? Or has it been ripped away because of all the hurt the Capitol has inflicted on me?

The girl on fire. I know I am the girl on fire because I am burning. All my love is burning up and hatred takes its place. Hatred is an evil thing; it makes me lose who I am but it gives power to the fire growing inside me. Cinna made me the girl on fire; he in turn made me the Mockingjay. He led me to this fate, but I held out the berries. Nightlock, the one thing I had left in the arena. Oh, Peeta, why didn't you say something there and then? You always know what to say. If you had told me that the berries weren't a smart idea, we would never have parted. I always trusted what you said. I could see the insecurity in your eyes that day. And I told myself you would say something if my idea was that grave. I made the choice to use the Nightlock as a small act of rebellion; the Games couldn't do this to us. I also made the choice because I know if I went home without you, live wouldn't be worth living. No one would forgive me. But most of all, I would never forgive myself.

You know the same is true for you. You know that you would have no life without me because you love me so much. I can always count on you to love me though my faults far outweigh my good attributes. Maybe the last good attribute I have is my determination. The determination to save all those I love. Especially you.

You question it right now. The truth behind my confession. But these past months I have seen it. I can feel it. I cannot sleep without you by my side and death will surely take me soon. Sleep deprivation is a killer. I've seen it before. You wouldn't want me to die; you are the kindest, most compassionate man I have ever met. You would rather see yourself die than let me die. Though death, if truth be told, is freedom. Because even though I live with the rebellion, the free people, I am not free. They manipulate me, use me, they simply want me for my name. If anyone else had done what I did in the arena, they would suffer the same fate. But Peeta, the one good thing is I could grant you immunity.

Surely you realise how your actions look? Calling for a ceasefire, looking like you support the Capitol, that was the worst move for your safety. Safety from the rebels, though, it ensured your safety from the Capitol. Oh, Peeta, I promise you this one thing; I will always come back for you.

Neither rain, nor sleet, nor Snow can stop me from saving you. You are not only the boy with the bread; you are my boy with the bread. I am your girl on fire. And together, we will burn brighter than any fire in the world, brighter than life, brighter to death. And we will burn together.

For surely you can see how we may not make? The rebels surely think I am disposable. They will not have to grant you immunity if I die. And they will hang you Peeta. And you know it, don't you? You believe there is kindness in everyone. And I love that trait. But not everyone is kind, Peeta. They are not kind. The rebellion is not kind. They are as ruthless as the Capitol. Maybe things will be worse under Coin's rein. I do not trust our leader. And where does that put me? As a threat. Not during the war because I am too valuable, too important, too loved. But after the war? Who knows what accidents will happen?

You can see my point. I can tell. If only I could speak to you, tell you everything. You always know what to say. You always make it better. Even just a hug can make me feel full of warmth and most of all, I feel safe. I miss your arms around me when I sleep. The nightmares don't come when you're here. Why, do you think? Because we were alone for days in the arena and found each other? Do you think that bond between us can ever be broken? I don't. It's for our lives. From this day, until our last day.

I know that I must do whatever I can to save you. I can't even comprehend what torture you are enduring. What if they convince you I planned it like this? That I am behind the escape from the arena and Haymitch and I deliberately left you to the Capitol? You can't think that Peeta. I won't let you. I love you.

No one will believe me. It's taken me a while. Maybe it was when I realised Gale and I are no longer close. We are no longer what we were. We have changed. And I cannot support him now. This is tearing our relationship apart. Soon, he will be kissing another pair of lips. And I? I will be kissing yours.

I will try to convince you of my love for as long as I live. Because you won't believe me. You did in the arena but when you found out it was an act? Oh. I hate myself for it. If you weren't so kind, so compassionate. Maybe this would be a different story if you didn't give me the bread. Maybe then our fates would change.

Would there be a rebellion at all? Would I have killed you in the arena? Would the star crossed lovers exist? Would there be a District 12 victor at all?

I don't think so.

And I'll tell you why.

When I sang rue to her death, something broke within me. My fighting spirit was gone. The flame was put out. The smoke extinguished. I became a shell; a hollow form, a human being without emotion. When they announced the rule change, I had a purpose. I wasn't whole. But when I found you, alive and semi-well, the fire rekindled. I should have known then that I was in love. But I am stubborn. And to admit love is to admit defeat because love is a weakness. And I cannot admit weakness.

Peeta, I will find you. You must feel that I would never live if I left you to this fate. I would sooner die than leave you to this torture, this punishment you don't deserve. No one deserves to be left to the Capitol.

Rue. Cato. Glimmer. Clove. Thresh. Seneca Crane. Cinna.

Hundreds more have been left to the Capitol, for the Capitol to decide their fate, and where are they now?

In their graves.

I will follow, if the Capitol wins.

And if we win, I could still follow.

If I don't support Coin, if I fight against her reign, I will be killed on the spot. And I don't want her to rule, Peeta. She isn't doing anything to save you. She barely let me grant your immunity. She barely let me do anything! I can't be their Mockingjay without you safe and sound Peeta. Everything I do will lead to them hurting you. You would never ask me to live with this. Anyone who knows me would never make me deal with this. But the rebels only care about their cause. When I break down on live television, how will they cope then? And I will break down Peeta. If you were here, you would stop me. But without you, I cannot go on. If you looked into my eyes, you of all people, you would see how far I am gone. That fire that was so bright in my eyes is dim and smoking. The fire is almost out. But I will see that it remains alight.

All I have to do is rescue you. And I have a plan Peeta.

You might think it strange that I am directing my thoughts at you, but how else will I keep sane? Knowing that I have a plan, knowing I can save you, gives me hope.

Hope is a thing rare in our lives isn't it? Maybe that's what makes you so special. You have never given up hope. You hope that people will be merciful. You hope that people will be kind. Oh, Peeta, people will never be merciful. People will never be kind.

I stop myself right there. I can't think like I'm talking to Peeta right now. Thinking of him means thinking of torture, pain, punishment and….

I can't go on. To think any worse than that is unbearable. I comfort myself with the knowledge that I saw Peeta not even six days ago. But a camera can only tell me so much. Who knows how television is manipulated so that the public only see what they want to see? They've proven how easy it is to cut things from live television. Rue's body, covered in flowers. Rue's mystery whistler in the crowd. The victors holding hands after Peeta's heartbreaking interview. So many things the public will never know, never be told of. And they deserve to know. They deserve the truth to be told. Everyone knows the Capitol is cruel to the Districts. But the Districts don't know how evil they truly are.

The rose in my home in the Victor Village. Peeta. No, stop it, Katniss.

There's only one thing left to do. Only one thing I can do. Only know one thing that I have to do; I have to save Peeta, the boy with the bread.

There's only one thing that I have left in me to make me fight. My determination. My will. My strength. They are all the same thing. They are my fire.

And my fire will burn them all.