A/N: I just really like Simon/Kaylee okay?
This fic is an exploration of what would've happened if Early actually did do something to Kaylee in Objects in Space. There will be mentions of rape, but nothing explicit.
Firefly does not belong to me.
Kaylee had been acting different. Her bubbly attitude and her grins and her sparkling eyes had been replaced by...flatness. Her eyes were empty and cold. Her mouth was permanently expressionless and she was very quiet. She slept several more hours than she used to. Everyone knew what had happened, but no one knew what to do.
"You ever been raped?" he had asked. She looked up in terror, a tear streaming down her cheek. He advanced toward her, his long fingers grasping her. She wanted to scream, to yell, to make any sort of noise whatsoever, but she could only release a throaty croak. His fingernails were digging into her skin, and she squeezed her eyes shut as if that would make the pain go away.
"Nonononononono," she whispered. Early slapped her mouth, yelling some inaudible stream of curses and words like "whore". Her eyes were ringing. Her mouth felt like it was bleeding, but it also felt like something was stuck in it. No, no, no, no.
Mal sometimes got frustrated with her. "Gorrammit, mei mei, you're slacking."
She simply closed her eyes and muttered an apology.
Zoe had tried, over and over, to console her in any way, but nothing sounded right. Every time she pulled Kaylee aside and stroked her arms and promised her everything would be okay. She flinched, though, when Zoe touched her. "Oh," Zoe sighed. "I'm sorry."
"No," Kaylee shook her head. "I am."
Jayne watched on in confusion. "Why can't she just get over it?" he asked one night at dinner. Kaylee was asleep.
"Jayne, you can't just...get over something like...that!" Simon exclaimed. He had been very defensive of her lately. He had a need to comfort her. He needed to hold her. But every time she was touched, she shook. He already screwed everything up around her. He didn't want to lose her trust completely.
Jayne shook his head and grunted something in Chinese in response.
When it was happening, she thought it would never end, never. She was afraid she was breathing too loud, that she would get hurt again. It was so hot. No, cold. Hot, cold. Oh, God.
And when it was over, he tied her up and left her there, and that's when the tears came again. Her body was wracked with sobs. She wanted to shout some obscene curse at him, every curse there was. Damn him to the fieriest pit of hell with her words. She was aching, all over, because of a horrible, horrible man.
Sometimes he stood in the doorway of her bunk, while she slept, wanting to come in and snuggle close to her and hold her in his arms and whisper, "I love you. It's okay, I love you."
Why was he such a coward?
She saw him sometimes, walking by. She wanted to sob into his chest, to admit everything to him. She wanted to scream, "I'm so scared Simon! I'm so gorram scared and I don't want to be!" But she shyed away every time, dashing back into her bunk or the engine room.
River sometimes visited her, not saying much but just being there, which was nice. "I think my brother wants to talk to you." she had said once.
"Well, why don't he then?" Kaylee asked flatly.
"He doesn't know how to."
"He's talked to me before."
River paused for quite awhile, then said, "He wants to comfort you."
"Don't need no comfort." She bit down, hard, on her lip when her voice cracked. River cocked her head, giving her a knowing glance that said "yes you do".
There was another pause. "You've been hurt. Badly." she acknowledged. "And Simon...Simon is so sad for you. I am sad for you, too."
"Don't," Kaylee whispered. River grasped her wrist, a little too hard.
"I can't not. We can't not. You make Simon so happy. You're...you're his bao bei, Kaylee."
She didn't know whether to smile or cry or laugh or curl up in a ball and sleep some more, and she wanted to do all of them at once. "You seem confused." Kaylee could hear the smirk in River's voice. "But I speak the truth. I'm his sister. And I know you feel the same."
They chatted for a little while until River declared she was tired and left.
"You are his bao bei." she had said. Kaylee pulled her legs up to her knees and stared off into space for some time, pondering those words.
"Are you okay?" Simon asked urgently once it was all over.
She was shaking all over, her face streaked with tears. "No, no, no," she said, feeling tears bite at her eyes again.
"Kaylee," he asked softly. "Tell me what he did to you."
And she did. Painfully.
Finally, a few days later, Simon mustered up his courage to step into her bunk. "Kaylee?" he asked quietly. She was reading some old comic book she had picked up second-hand from a planet. It took her mind off things. "Kaylee, are you doing alright?"
She looked up, sucking in a breath. "Of course I am."
He sat down on her bunk, keeping a respectable distance but longing to be close. "I want...I want to comfort you, but I don't know how, and that aggravates me. You've been hurt in one of the worst ways, and...and I've never experienced that, and I can barely get an idea of how bad it must've been, but oh, oh Kaylee, it hurts me so bad to see you like this. Every day I just wanna hold you in my arms and make you feel better, because...because...because you're you, Kaylee. And you haven't been you. You've been so...so empty and cold and so...so sad. I want you to be happy." He let out a long breath. "I-I'm...I'm sorry."
"Oh, Simon," Kaylee breathed. "I want to be happy too."
When the crew found out what had happened, they were silent with shock. Mal was angry at himself for letting this happen to his mei mei. Zoe and Wash gave each other sad head shakes, River looked on in wide-eyed sadness. "She'll be okay," Mal promised himself. "This is Kaylee. She can hold herself up. She...she'll be okay."
But she didn't come to dinner the next day or the day after that, and they knew she wasn't going to be okay. Not right away.
"Can...can you hold me?" she asked, and he was more than delighted to oblige. They laid back on her bed, her head on his chest. "Thank you." she whispered. "Ya know, Simon...it feels so..so different. Early-er-Jubal, he...he took something from me. It's like there was a piece of me that he just stole. And...that piece of me, now that it's gone...it feels so...so awful. He just took it, and now I can never get it back. Now, I...I wasn't a...a virgin, but...but he hurt me, and that kind of hurt just...I feel like it will never go away. I'm sorry, I talk so much, you probably got no idea what I'm ramblin' on about, I just...just gotta let this out."
"No, Kaylee, I understand. Well, I don't understand what happened, or why it had to happen, rather. But it's okay to talk about it. I want you to talk to me about it." he stroked her hair absentmindedly.
She sighed when his hands trailed down to her neck. He began rubbing that area, noticing how tense it was. She let out a noise of pleasure. "That feels nice." A nice sense of relaxation fell over her. "It's nice...to just have you here."
Simon smiled. "Yeah, it is. I think I'm gonna help you...recover, okay? I'm gonna be by your side. I promise."
"Thank you." she whispered, and he saw a sleepy smile turn the corners of her lips.
A few weeks later, smiles were reappearing on Kaylee's face, her eyes were brightening, and she came to dinner. She still had her moments, moments where she would shake and maybe even sob.
Every night, Simon came to her bunk and snuggled with her, or brought a book and read to her. When he first started doing this, she asked, "Did ya read a lot when you were a kid?"
"Oh, yeah," he chuckled. "Quite a lot. Did you?"
"Well..." she began, a bit embarrassed. "I learned how, but I wasn't very good at it and we didn't really focus on that sorta stuff. Never was book smart. You don't have to read to me, ya know."
"I like to read to you. As long as you don't mind, I'll keep on doing it." he confirmed this with a ruffle of her hair.
"I like your voice when you read. It's so low and, I dunno, relaxing I guess." he half-smiled and reached out to caress her face.
"I can tell you're feeling better."
"Little by little."
He read a few more chapters until he noticed Kaylee's breathing had become steady. He wrapped her up closer in his arms.
"Wow, she's really getting better," Wash noticed as Kaylee cheerfully stepped out of the kitchen after a meal.
"Yeah," Simon looked on with a smile.
"I knew she would." Mal nodded.
"Not on her own." River added.
Everyone looked at her confusedly. Simon kicked her lightly under the table. She scrunched up her face angrily. "Don't pay attention to her," Simon mumbled. "I've just been spending more time with Kaylee because she's my friend and I want to be there for her."
"That's sweet," Zoe smiled.
Everyone agreed, giving Simon playful nudges and suggestive jokes. He just rolled his eyes.
"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy, when skies are gray..." Simon sung. They had finished the book, and tonight they just wanted to talk.
"What's that?" she asked.
"Oh, an old song from Earth-that-was. Learned it back home. River used to sing it, when we were kids."
"How's it go again?" she smiled. "You gotta awful pretty voice, Simon." he smirked.
"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine," he tangled her hair around his finger. "You make me happy, when skies are gray. You'll never know, dear...how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away." she smiled, a gorgeous smile up at him.
"That's beautiful." she sighed.
He nodded in agreement. "Yeah, I guess it is. I'm proud of you, Kaylee. You've come a long way. And I knew you would."
"Not without your help." she replied softly, drifting off. "Thank you, Simon."
"Anything for you, bao bei." That was the first time he had called her that. She smiled and was silent as she fell asleep. "I love you." he said, wishing he could say it when she was actually awake. But...this would work for now.
You'll never know, dear, how much I love you,
Please don't take
My sunshine
Away.