Fxck Off

by merryfortune

There were different kinds of love. Luffy knew he felt most of them. He loved his brothers and his family and his crew. He loved his dream and his food and the Going Merry and the Thousand Sunny Go. He loved sunshine and rain and snow and all the fun the different seasons bring. He loved a good mystery and the thrill of a hard won victory. He loved himself and he loved others.

Fuck Off

[AN: Idk man, I just wanted to write about my sexuality headcannons for the Strawhat Pirates which are as follows: asexual-aromantic Luffy & Chopper, polyamorous pansexual Zoro, bisexual Nami & Sanji, heterosexual Usopp, Franky & Brook, demisexual Robin, and finally questioning Vivi.]

Luffy was twelve when he had gotten The Talk alongside his brother Ace from Dadan. Ace had paid close attention as he was a pubescent boy. He already had hair growing in unusual places and was beginning to get erections. Luffy was still a little too young it would seem as he did "listen" to Dadan spiel about sex in way more depth than necessary. He eventually stopped listening though because it was boring. And very, very gross.

Luffy couldn't imagine this sex thing actually happening. Well, he could imagine putting his penis in someone because he could if he really wanted stretch it out but how did non-rubber people do it? It made no sense. He couldn't rotate a man and woman inside his mind into the right position for this sex thing to happen – although, he might have heard some from Dadan mention something about two men, two women, and even a mix of more than two people have sex.

Eventually, he over thought it and gave up. He screwed up his face and thought until his cheeks turned a purplish-red.

Dadan tutted. 'Looks like Luffy's a bit too young for this chat but I'm sure he'll be thinkin' 'bout girls and their curls soon.' Her underlings chuckled in agreement. Luffy didn't understand what she was trying to imply? Why would he care about whether or not a girl had curls in her hair?

Later, a few hours after The Talk, Ace took him aside. He laughed coarsely. 'So, Luff, what kind of girl do you like?' he asked.

'Huh? What do you mean?' Luffy asked.

'I just wanna know what kind of girl would be your girl.' Ace asked.

He and Luffy climbed to the top of a tree. They lazed on the thick, sturdy branches.

'My ideal gal would have huge boobs. What about you? You a boobs man or an ass man?' Ace asked.

He and Luffy had never had a conversation like this before. It was making Luffy uncomfortable because these were ridiculously strange questions.

'She would be a pirate girl.' Luffy replied.

Ace laughed. 'No, like what would she be like? What would she look like? I think a blonde would be nice too. I know what kind of girl Sabo would like. He told me once his ideal girl would have a plain face, a nice smile, know how to cook, but could kick his ass nonetheless. So, c'mon, what kind of girl is your perfect girl?'

Luffy couldn't narrow it down. He screwed up his face and started over thinking the question until he wore himself out.

'It's not that hard a question, lil bro, or, oh man, I had no idea you swung that way.' Ace said.

'Swing which way? Of course I swing all the ways! I gotta hit hard and fast after all if I wanna survive a fight.' Luffy replied.

Ace laughed again. 'You misunderstand me. I meant, do you like guys?'

'Of course I like guys.' Luffy replied, taking the question at face value. 'I wanna have lots of friends in a HUGE crew.'

'You only ever think about your dreams.' Ace replied. 'That's what I love about you.'

'Thanks.' Luffy replied.

Luffy never received a Talk after that. Ace never picked up the discussion about perfect bodies and people. Luffy didn't think about it at all. It just wasn't important to him. It probably didn't help that he was constantly thinking about not dying accidentally more.

But by the time he was seventeen, Dadan couldn't help but note that it is strange that she'd never seen usual, suspicious adolescent male behaviour. She never saw any behaviour from Luffy like discretely washing sheets or immodest moans in the wee hours of the morning. She had seen that sort of behaviour from Ace.

It wasn't until Luffy had met Zoro when he was forced to think about icky things like sex again. They had been sailing for two hours since they departed from Coby, Risa and her mother, and the Marine Base. Well, they had been floating aimlessly through crashing waves for two hours on a wishy-washy course that might lead them to land.

'So, do you wanna do it?' Zoro asked as he reclined against the tiny boat.

'Do what?' Luffy asked.

'Have sex.' Zoro asked.

'What?! Why?!' Luffy shouted back, scandalised and hot-faced.

'Oh sorry, didn't mean to offend you. Heterosexuals are so fragile.' Zoro muttered.

'I just don't like sex. It's gross.' Luffy replied and he poked out his tongue. He scowled.

'You're missin' out. I don't know how I went that long without some lovin', if you know what I mean.' Zoro replied.

The subject was never touched again after that. It would have been great if it had never been touched again but a few days after the ordeal with Arlong and Cocoyashi, Nami and Sanji had decided to ask the crew, in a moment of dull boredom, a very important question.

'So? Anyone want to have an orgy?' Nami asked. She asked the question so casually it was like she was making a dinner request.

'It'd be fun.' Sanji added.

'No it wouldn't!' Luffy replied.

'My heart belongs to Kaya.' Usopp added melodramatically for effect.

'I'm up for it.' Zoro replied.

'I don't wanna fuck you.' Sanji snarled.

The two began to have a very erotic argument. Nami moved closer to Luffy. She had seen many shades of his personality – from his heroics, to his selfishness – but this was slightly different.

'Are you okay, Luffy?' she asked quietly.

'I just don't like sex. It sounds gross.' Luffy retorted with crossed arms.

'Okay, fair enough. You want to talk about it?' Nami asked.

'Ew! Hell no!' Luffy said and he stormed off.

'What's his problem?' Usopp asked.

'I don't know.' Nami asked.

Sanji glanced back to Nami; he and Zoro were half hard. 'Nami-swan, do you still want to have sex?'

'Hell's yes.' Nami replied enthusiastically, completely rebounding from her concerned friend facade.

'Come on.' Zoro said and he took his two partners off somewhere else.

Usopp slunk away so he couldn't have to hear how loud they were going to be. The Going Merry had never seen sex before, let alone a threesome, but Usopp was certain those three were going to be screamers. He met up with Luffy and the two ended up fishing for the afternoon. Neither talked about what was happening down below. Usopp felt like he should since Luffy seemed emotionally constipated on the subject but how do you talk to someone about a subject they hate?

To Luffy and Usopp's misery, threesomes between the swordsman, navigator, and cook became a strangely frequent occurrence. They stopped for a bit once Vivi joined but soon, even she became curious and ended up a spectator. Luffy couldn't think of a stranger or more disgusting thing. Why would you want to watch sex?

They stopped permanently after Chopper joined the crew and Luffy couldn't help but celebrate yet his crewmates still occasionally had conversations about their sexploits.

'Ne, Chopper, what do you know about humans having sex?' Luffy asked, he sat on a swivel chair and slid from side to side. Chopper had his blue nose buried in a book. He looked up.

'Hah? I know that sexually transmitted diseases can be fatal hence why protection is necessary. Why are you asking? What are you trying to imply?' Chopper asked, offended.

'Well, I just don't get it. I just thought you might think similarly.' Luffy replied.

'I suppose. I think intercourse between humans – especially the ones we know – is one of the most disgusting things. Humans overcomplicate it. I don't really think about it that much. I didn't think you did either.' Chopper replied.

Luffy was silent, almost pouty. He continued to play on the chair. 'I feel like I'm supposed to be thinking about it.' Luffy replied. 'Sex and lovey-dovey stuff. Everyone keeps tellin' me those're the meanings of life but I don't get it?

'I think you have ambitions grander than worrying about refractory periods and suchlike. I don't think you should let it worry you.' Chopper replied.

'Thanks Chopper.' Luffy replied and he left Chopper's office.

So Luffy quit worrying about why he didn't feel certain ways and everything was perfect. Well, as perfect as it got when you were constantly on the run from the Marines and fighting for your life and for your friends.

He didn't even think about it when he met Marriage Lola whose existence was made of those two things. He didn't even think about those sorts of things when Brook whose perversity was such an important part of his sense humour; the other important part being puns about the fact he was a living skeleton.

Then Boa Hancock – or as Luffy like to call her, "Hammock" – came along.

'Luffy-sama, I am in love with you!' she announced to herself. She always saying that. She wanted to build up the nerve to properly say it to Luffy so she could wed him.

Luffy wasn't supposed to have heard that. 'As friends?' he wondered aloud to himself. A new sensation dragged itself around him but he was certain that it wasn't non-platonic love or erotic. He was certain that it was guilt because it made his heart sag and made his insides knot. This was how he felt when he stole food from Sanji when he shouldn't or tried to prank Zoro when he was asleep and unguarded.

This wasn't a happy feeling. Not feeling these things wasn't a nice feeling. He just didn't understand. So, Luffy suppressed it and in the next two years, he became very good at deftly evading Hammock and her declarations of this love that Luffy couldn't reciprocate.

There were different kinds of love. Luffy knew he felt most of them. He loved his brothers and his family and his crew. He loved his dream and his food and the Going Merry and the Thousand Sunny Go. He loved sunshine and rain and snow and all the fun the different seasons bring. He loved a good mystery and the thrill of a hard won victory. He loved himself and he loved others. Yet, there was this unique kind of love that everyone but him experienced. The elusive love that drove people to do things like marriage and sex. The one kind of love that Luffy had no idea what felt like.

He could describe the other kinds with personal examples but he couldn't put himself in a situation, even imaginary, where he would feel the kind of love that would make him want to put a ring on someone's finger or his penis in someone.

Luffy never talked about this turmoil he felt when someone brought up the "s" or "l" word. That was, until he had a heart to heart with Robin. She and Franky had decided to "go official" – Luffy didn't really understand what that meant but could see what it meant. It meant that they would give each other random hugs and kisses around the Sunny Go.

'Robin...' Luffy murmured; they were by themselves. Robin had been sunbathing. They were the only ones on the sky deck. She put her sunglasses on top of her forehead.

'Yes?' Robin asked.

'What did you mean last night when you said that you love Franky?' Luffy asked.

'It means that I feel a mutual attraction to him and high compatibility.' Robin replied.

'What makes that different from nakama?' Luffy asked.

Robin paused to muse. Luffy looked constipated. She patted the fold-out chair next to her. 'Sit down, I feel like we're going to have a very serious discussion.'

Luffy nodded grimly. He sat next to Robin as he was directed.

Robin looked to the sky idly and wondered how she ought to explain it. She also wondered how this conversation hadn't happened before between Luffy and Chopper or Luffy and Nami.

'Friendship is known as phillia or in some cases, agape. These types of love are characterised by tactile expressions and trust. These types of love are just as important as familial, fraternal, maternal, paternal, and so on and so forth. Loves that I think that you know intimately well.'

Luffy stared bewildered. Robin giggled.

'Sorry, brotherly love or family love.' she reiterated herself.

'Aah, I see.' Luffy replied and he plopped his fist into his palm. He sounded as though he were nearing an epiphany.

'These loves are characterised by strong bonds. They are in some ways similar to eros love which is the love I feel towards Franky. But eros love isn't necessarily born of deep, pre-existing bonds although; it can be hard to distinguish romantic love from platonic love and vice versa.

'Some eros love is born from seeing someone that you would like to, well, have sex with. But sex doesn't necessarily equate to love. None of these types of love are more important than others. Do you understand, Luffy?' Robin asked.

Luffy paused and he started to process what she had said. Robin waited patiently until Luffy nodded with a big, goofy grin.

She smiled curtly in response. 'Some people never feel eros love but that's okay. These people call themselves "asexuals" or "aromantics" depending on the instance. Asexuals don't feel sexual love and aromantics don't feel romantic love. These terms aren't interchangeable and can be mixed and matched.'

'Aromantic. Asexual.' Luffy repeated the words and his eyes lit up.

Robin smiled.

It would seem that Luffy finally had come to terms with what he feels and Robin felt honoured that she had helped Luffy. It didn't feel like enough. After all, he had declared war on the World Government for her. Giving him some terminology did not nearly seem like an equivalent exchange yet his face was pure, unadulterated joy. It was like there were stars in his eyes.

His feelings about how icky sex was and how unnecessary romance could be finally made sense.