Queen: Oh, My dear, isn't she beautiful.. And sleeping so soundly..
King: Don't worry, honey, I'll fix that! One pot of hot java, coming up!
Queen: Oh, calm down with the coffee, already dear! The girl needs her sleep! In fact, that's what we'll name her, Sleeping Beauty!
King: Sleep? Pah! That fad is overratred! It'll go the way of Beanie Babies before too long! Besides, what a ridiculous name, might as well name her Blanket, or something! Now, if you don't need me, I've got some Candy Crush-Duh, I.. Mean.. Uh, Royal Duties to attend to!
Narrator: Hmm.. Yes, well, in the meantime, the Queen, actually thinking of someone other than herself, had summoned, as was tradition, the seven Fairy Godmothers who were assigned to give gifts to each new child in the Royal Family. Well, technically, there were eight fairies, but..
Queen: And I kept calling and calling her, but I got the answering machine every time..!
King: Oh, well, it's all for the best.. Just saves us from having to mail an extra Christmas card.. Pass the coffee, will ya, honey?
Queen: Oh, brother..
Narrator: And soon, the day arrived for little Sleeping Beauty's welcoming celebration! The trumpeters played their funny looking horns, the King took a few asprins with his coffee, and the Princess just sat there looking cute.. Why, it almost got as many viewers on television as the British Royal Wedding! Soon, the guests of honor, the Fairies arrived, only something seemed to be off!
King: Hey! What gives? Where's the seventh fairy?
Fairy #1: Tee Hee! A thousand pardons, your Majesty, but her wings had malfuntioned, she had to take them into the shop and rent a magic carpet! She should be here shortly!
King: Ah, well.. That's what happens when you don't change your fairy dust every 10,000 miles.. Alright, let's get this over with!
Narrarator: And so, it began. Each one of the fairies approached the little Princess, waved her magic wand over her tiny little head, and bestowed a gift upon her.
Fairy #1: Tee Hee! May your beauty only increase as you age, enough to lure some handsome Prince hunk in to marry you!
King: Preferably one with a stake in a Coffee company..
Fairy #1: HEY! WHO'S THE FAIRY HERE?!
King: (Nervous laugh) Eh.. heh.. Point taken...
Fairy #2: May you be as kind and and as loving as me!
Fairy #3: Gertrude!
Fairy#2: Oh, all right.. As any decent, upstanding, tax paying citizen..
King: But.. But she's royalty..
Fairy #2: Exactly..
Narrator: And so, the fairies continued to deliver their magical gifts unto the manipulatively adorable little monarch, Intelligence, a sassy personality, tickets to Disneyland... Ugh.. I won't bore you with the rest. Finally, as the sixth Fairy had just finished up her little spiel...
Fairy #6: And that's not all! If you order a year long subscription, you'll recieve this fancy keychain!
[BOOOOM]
King: What the..? I thought the fireworks were after the party!
Narrator: When the smoke cleared, there stood the creepy, rail thin, strangely dressed..
Evil Fairy: ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT! I think they get the point!
Narrator: Oh.. Sorry..
Guest #1: Wow, they actually got Lady Gaga to perform here?
Guest #2: Doesn't she know it's bad luck to wear black after Columbus Day?
Guest #3: Wow! She needs her own movie!
Evil Fairy: ENOUGH! Listen! What part of "Leave a message after the beep" don't you understand?! I step outside for a lousy fourty-five years to go shopping, and you don't even bother to text me to let me know about this kid's party! You probably weren't even going to send me a Christmas card either!
King: (nervously whistles)
Evil Fairy: I don't ask for much.. A comfortable castle.. Control over a certain amount of territory.. Loads of human slaves to do my bidding, an invitation to give a magic gift to the new kid in the Kingdom.. And THIS is the thanks I get?! In my usual, petty, sense of vengence, I'll give her a gift alright! Along with the rest of YOU!
King: You just HAD to unfriend her all those years ago because she wouldn't return your dessert recipie cookbook..
Queen: I didn't see YOU lifting a finger to help!
Evil Fairy: SILENCE! I'm giving a monologue of retribution here! Your child shall indeed live up to her name! At some point in her life, she shall prick her finger on the needle of a spinning wheel.. First, it's gonna HURT real bad! Then, she shall fall into a deep, deep sleep, from which she cannot be awakened!
Queen: You even bring up the fact that I named her, and I'll swat you!
King: (grumbles)
Evil Fairy: And as for this kingdom.. You shall suffer the same fate, as I shall turn all of the nation's coffee supply into... DECAF!
[Zaps and Shimmers Emit from her fingertips]
King: NOOOOO! You vile witch! You'd never do such a thing!
Evil Fairy: I already have! Try staying awake now, people! Now, I've gotta run! "Dancing with the Pixies" comes on in 15 minutes!
[BOOOOM]
King: Well.. That.. Could have gone better..
Queen: Darling! OUR CHILD is in danger of falling asleep for the rest of her life! She might miss out on her SAT's! How are we going to find the right kind of college for her if she sleeps through all of her classes?!
[Fairy Wildly enters window on flying carpet]
Fairy #7: Whoa! Easy there, Trigger! HEEL! [Is thrown off] OOF! Last time I ever rent a flying carpet from that Aladdin brat! Yeesh! Who killed THIS party?
King: Well, seeing as how that crazy member of YOUR union that dresses like a reject from an Cirque Du Soliel stage show cursed our daughter and worst of all, OUR COFFEE SUPPLY, you can understand why we aren't quite giddy!
Fairy #7: Oh, dear! Need to Reverse a Curse, huh? Well, you're lucky I do Birthday Parties AND make housecalls!
King: Oh, brother..
Fairy #7: Now, let's see what we have here.. Ooh, boy! Looks like a case of the old sleeping forever business.. And some mild dandruff. Yowzers, this one is gonna be tough.. Well, I've got some good news and some bad news..
King: Okay.. Well, give us the bad news first.
Fairy #7: Well, seeing as how my magic card is nearly maxxed out, I'm not able to cure this little heartbreaker in training's problem.
King: Alright, and what's the good news?
Fairy #7: However, I can propose a little jury rig fix. I can make it so that, she IS able to be awoken from her extended nap by a kiss from a handsome young Prince!
King: ... Okay, but seriously, what's the good news?!
Queen: DARLING! Ugh.. Why didn't I listen to Mother and marry that nice Bill Gates boy instead?
Fairy #7: Well, I'd love to stay and join in the celebration, but I've got to help some poor girl who wants to go to a ball. TTFN! [Hops onto the carpet] Alright, you unreliable bathmat, let's make tracks! WHOOOOA!
King: That's IT! What that terrible runway model wannabe said about my darling must NEVER come to pass! Minister! Get that Juan Valdez guy to ship a lifetime supply of his best stuff to the Kingdom!
Queen: (angrily) DEAR!
King: (Reluctantly) Oh, all right.. Also, ban all of the spinning wheels in the Kingdom as well..
Narrarator: Well, despite the shallow hardheadedness of her Father, little Sleeping Beauty soon grew into a bright and lovely young Princess, who enjoyed all the freedoms being royalty gave her, like lots of people waiting on you, staying up as long as you want, and getting on the cover of all the trendy magazines!
[Whirring sound]
[Knock Knock]
Queen: Young Lady, what's going on in there?!
Sleeping Beauty: Uh.. N.. Nothing, Mom!
Queen: Are you spinning thread in there?!
Sleeping Beauty: No, I.. I swear! I'm only looking at beefcake magazines!
Queen: (pause) Alright.. (walks away)
Sleeping Beauty: Whew! {pulls out toy spinning wheel] Boy, I hate to lie to Mom and all, but ever since these things were banned, I've been crazy about 'em! *Sigh* Shame I've never seen a real one up close.
Narrator: Well, if that isn't a setup, I don't know WHAT is! *Ahem* Anyway..
Sleeping Beauty: But, Daddy, I'm getting sick and tired of wearing dresses made of wrapping paper with safety pins and Super Glue! They come apart so easily and I don't have that much of a wardrobe left!
King: (Startled from nodding off) Huh?! Oh, um, yes, the dress looks lovely on you.. Uh.. Dear.
Sleeping Beauty: No, it doesn't! You're not listening! I can't go around looking like this! I'm probably the only Princess in the whole country who looks like she's auditioning for a punk rock band! Now, if you don't mind, Daddy, I'd like a dress that's actually SPUN from nice looking fabric!
King: Now, now dear, you remember what the nice evil and ugly fairy lady said. We simply CANNOT have you pricking your fingers on a spinning wheel and falling into a deep sleep and all that. I mean, just think of how ridiculous your school pictures will look with your eyes closed all the time! (Yawn) Now, if you'll excuse me, Dear, I have to order another shipment of coffee. This batch is barely keeping me awake!
Sleeping Beauty: Grr! Mom was right! He has so much coffee on the brain, you'd think he could brew it out his nose!
Narrator: Unbeknownst to the lovely conversation between father and daughter, a mysterious character.. For those who don't have a very good memory.. Was lurking in a very dark and mysterious hallway..
Evil Fairy: (wicked laughter) So, the fair little Princess wishes to spin thread now, does she? I'll be happy to oblige! (evil laughter; turns into hacking and coughing) They really need to sweep up back here!
Narrator: That very same day, Sleeping Beauty was walking ever so carefully down the steps on her way to "Ways to Quietly Burp Without Anyone Noticing" classes, while trying not to rip her delicate "Happy Birthday" print gown.
[RRRIP]
Sleeping Beauty: Oh, Darn! There goes the hem again! UGH! At this rate, I'll have to switch to something like cardboard!
Narrator: Well, I did say "trying".
Old Woman's voice: (playful chuckle) Oh, I wouldn't go that far!
Sleeping Beauty: Huh? Who dares make a playful remark at my expense?!
Old Woman: Well, I would, my dear.
Sleeping Beauty: SO! It was you, old woman? As if it weren't miserable enough around here with the writers this show already has, YOU have to chime in?! I should have you sent to the dungeon for that!
Old Woman: Well, that would be a shame, your majesty. Since from what I hear, you seem to have a fascination with spinning wheels, and seeing as how I'm the last seamstress in this kingdom that your Daddy forgot to send to the unemployment line, I could help you get your hands on one!
Sleeping Beauty: HUH?! Really? You mean I can finally start wearing designer fabrics?
Old Woman: Heh.. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. First you've got to promise that you won't rat me out. I've got to make a living, somehow.
Sleeping Beauty: Sure, as long as you promise not to tell Daddy that I've used one!
Old Woman: Cross my heart and hope to prick my finger on a spindle, sending me into an eternal sleep!
Sleeping Beauty: What?
Old Woman: Never mind! Let's just get this over with, okay?!
Narrator: Given that Sleeping Beauty hadn't boned up on her fairy tales recently.. And who can blame her, they were still being written at this point.. She saw nothing strange of the idea of going with a creepy looking old lady into a murky old cobwebbed basement that Batman may well have considered as a summer home, until right in the middle, strangely lit as if being adverstised for Christmas, sat the object of her affections.
Sleeping Beauty: AH! Is.. Is that what I think it is?!
Old Woman: It sure is! It's last decades' model and it's got a few thousand miles on it, but I'm willing to let it go pretty cheap!
Sleeping Beauty: Oh, thank you, ugly old servant! Hopefully I can use this to make a gown in time for this year's "Waving to the Lowly Townspeople" Awards!
Old Woman: Yes, exactly, but first let's make sure that it's working first. Could you put this thread on the spindle and give it a "whirl"? (evil chuckle)
Sleeping Beauty: Well, normally, manual labor like that is reserved for the "little people", but I've ALWAYS wanted to try this thing out, so here goes! YOW! Ohhh..
Old Woman: (feigning concern) Why, whatever's the matter, dear?
Sleeping Beauty: Oh, I went and jabbed my precious royal finger on that stupid spindle! They really oughtta "Princess Proof" those things! I knew I should've had the horse mechanic do it instead! (Yawn) Normally, this is where I'd have anti-biotics, anti-bacterial lotion, alchohol, topical ointment, calamine lotion, and a band-aid put on it, but.. I.. I'm feeling far too sleepy. I'm gonna take a power nap. Wake me in five, oh and you're fired, by the way.. (yawns, begins to snore)
Old Woman: (Laughs manically)
Queen: (Thinking) Huh? Mommy senses tingling!
(Old Woman morphs back into Evil Fairy)
Evil Fairy: It worked like a charm! That kid fell for it, hook, line and spindle! That Evil Queen's seminar on how to disguise yourself as a kindly octagenarian sure came in handy! That'll teach these snobs to forget my invitation! That reminds me, I'm throwing an evil magical being bash at my place, and this kid's Mom's recipe book should really come in handy! (Evil Laughter;Disappears in puff of smoke)
(Queen Bursts into Room)
Queen: Alright! Who's laughing manically in triumph in here? AH! Oh.. Oh, my poor baby! Are you alright? Huh?! What's this spinning wheel doing here? I though these had all been banned! Oh! That evil fairy has cursed my sweet little girl to a perpetual state of sleep! Oh, how's she going to attend her debutante ball when she's always face down in her soup?!
Narrator: Well, it looks like that Evil Fairy sure found Sleeping Beauty's Achilles' Heel.. Er, Finger. And when the King found out about this tragic event, he was equally as concerned.
King: WHAAAT?! Whaddya mean the coffee shipment was raided?!
Servant: I'm sorry Your Highness, but when Blackbeard and his men don't get their morning Joe, they tend to get desperate.
King: Grr! I KNEW I should've ordered inland!
Queen: DEAR! What about our little girl?!
King: Huh? Oh.. Oh, yeah, the sleep thing.. (Yawns) Listen, honey, I'm just as upset about it, but I can't function clearly without some java.. I'll.. (Yawn) I'll sleep on it and figure it out later..
Queen: Oh, no, you won't! You're not letting your lack of caffine get in the way of your parental duties!
King: (really drowsy now) Well, where do you expect me to find a Prince at this hour? (yawns)
Queen: (Yawns) Stop it! That's contagious!
Narrator: Well, after the Royal Couple stopped bickering, and fighting the effects of caffine withdrawal, they carried Sleeping Beauty up to her room and laid her onto her fancy satin sheets, with her satin lined pillows, satin lined teddy bear.. Oh, you get it, the girl has a lot of luxieries.. Anyway, the King and Queen started to argue again about who's fault the whole thing was, until they fell asleep as well, and since the Kingdom's coffee supply was pilfired, all of the townspeople were snoozing too.. The years passed and the seasons came and went, and over time ugly and prickly thorn bushes grew up all around the castle. They couldn't be cut down, due to the Royal Gardner off in dreamland with everybody else. Needless to say, they didn't win the "Good Castlekeeping" seal of approval those years, but on the bright side, a lot of Hollywood directors began to scout it as a horror film location. Anyway, back to the story. It seems there was an obligatory Handsome Young Prince and his squire that happened to pass by on their way home from the convience store, when suddenly..
Prince: Are you absolutely certain that this is a shortcut, Squire? My Slushie's getting even slushier!
Squire: Well, Your Whineyness, according to my GPS, we haven't that much farther.
Prince: I am NOT whiney! I'm Royalty! I'm just not used to discomfort, that's all, and that's not a GPS, stupid! That's a compass! To be more specific, the Compass I BROKE when I threw it at that big, fat head of yours the last time you called me whiney!
Squire: Uh.. Okay, then.. We're officially lost..
Prince: D'oh! I should've known better than to travel with a Squire whose survival training consisted of watching Reality TV! Now what are we gonna do?!
Squire: Well, we could always try asking inside that spooky looking castle.
Prince: Are you crazy?! That's what the teenagers always say and then sure enough, they get locked inside with some kinda Hockey Goalie or something who wants to play slapshot with their heads! Besides, those thorns look like they could stick ya real bad!
Squire: Well, it's either that or get eaten alive by wolves when the sun goes down..
Prince: (Suddenly Courageous and sporting full suit of armor) Come on, Squire! What are you waiting for?! (Unsheathes Sword) We've got to go in there and ask for directions! (Begins slashing violently at thornbushes) HA! HA! Take that, you wascally weeds! Off to the compost heap with ya! HA!
Squire: (To Himself) Nothing like the fear of being eaten alive to make a brave man out of the cowardly and stupid..
Narrator: That philosophy has also led to some very entertaining viral videos, but anyway, the cowardly, yet brave Prince had soon done an impressive hedging job that led all the way to the castle's front door.
Squire: Well.. Go ahead and knock, Sire..
Prince: (Nervously Mumbles) (Taps Door Knocker) Hmm.. You know.. I..I.. Don't think anybody's home.. I mean the weeds are all grown up and..
Fairy #7's voice [O.S.]: (Giggles) Oh, the house is occupado, alright, honey, but everyone inside is just taking an extended siesta.
Prince: Huh?! Who said that?!
Fairy #7: Oh, no need to fret! It's just a kindly.. Single.. Fairy whose job it is to act as a bit of an exposition reminder. (chuckles)
Squire: Easy, Sire, it could be a trap!
Prince: (shudders) You don't have to tell me twice!
Fairy #7: No worries, honeybunch! I just want to let you know I'm a witness to the mess that went on in there. You see, The King and Queen of the Castle had a baby and didn't invite a disgruntled member of the National Fairy Organization to the party, so Little Miss Constantly Dressed for a Halloween Party decided to take her wrath out on the family. Putting the Princess and the Court to sleep. Now all the Kingdom needs are a few cups of Joe, but the Princess can only be freed with a kiss from a tall dark and handsome stranger such as yourself! (Chuckles)
Prince: AH! I.. I've got to KISS HER?!
Squire: Might wanna brush your teeth, first.
Prince: AH, Pipe down! I'm gonna show you once and for all that I AM a brave Prince! Miss Fairy Lady, get some java brewed and bring out the I.V.'s, STAT!
Fairy #7: 528 pots of hot brew comin' right up, hot stuff!
Prince: Grr! Stop calling me that!
Fairy #7: Oh, here, I almost forgot! Take this here with you! It's a magical shield that will protect you from the Evil Fairy's attacks!
Prince: Uh.. Ma'am.. No offense, but this looks like the lid to a garbage can..
Fairy #7: Oh, alright! Look, I had to sell the real shield at a yard sale a few years back! You're gonna have to make due with what my budget permits! Anyway, gorgeous, I think you look positively heroic holding it! (Annoying chuckle)
Narrator: And so, the Prince and Squire absconded into the creepy castle to avoid further amourous advances of the wacky Fairy.
Prince: Ehh, Squire, are you sure it was a good idea to go into this dark and evil looking place?
Squire: Well, Your Scardeycatness, it was either that or let that kooky Fairy hit on you some more.
Prince: Oh, I see your point.. And I'm NOT A SCARDEY.. Whoa.. She was right..
(Sleeping Royal court snoring loudly)
Prince: Look at this place.. Either they ran out of coffee, or Carrot Top just finished a show here..
Squire: Well, where do you think we should look for the Princess, Your Cowardlyship?
Prince: I think we should try up those creepy looking stairs, and I'm NOT A COWARD! ... Now.. You go first..
Squire: (Groans) Ohh, boyy...
(Evil Fairy appears at the top of the stairs in a puff of smoke)
Prince: AAAAH! A hideous rotting zombie!
Squire: (derisively to Prince) Baby..
Evil Fairy: Grr! A hideous zombie?! You just interrupted a perfectly good episode of "Desperate Forest Nymphs" I was watching! But at least I know that my "Chivalrous Handsome Knight Alarm" works!
Squire: S..So you must be the Evil Fairy who's responsible for all of this!
Evil Fairy: And you must be the brave and handsome Prince who intends to undo my beautiful spell!
Squire: (slight blush) Well.. Ahem.. Thanks for the compliment, but that would be this simpering little coward behind me..
Prince: I'm NOT A COWARD!
Evil Fairy: Hmm... Well, you're not exactly boiling over on my "Hunk-o-Meter", but I suppose, and with your lack of a backbone, this should be EASY! AAAAH! (In a puff of smoke, she transforms into an evil looking, but slightly comical Dragon)
(Prince stands in place, shuddering with fear)
Squire: Well, Your Chickenlyness! Now's your chance!
Prince: I AM NOT CHICKEN!
Evil Fairy Dragon: No, but I'll bet you taste like it! AAAARGH! (Lunges at him and breathes a stream of fire)
(The Prince puts his shield up to defend himself, but it melts under the hot flame.)
Prince: YOWWCH! Oh, my hand! Oh, that silly fairy wasn't playing with a full deck!
Evil Fairy Dragon: So.. What say you now.. CHICKEN?!
(Prince stands shivering in fear for a second, then begins to cluck like a chicken and run away)
Evil Fairy Dragon: Oh, boy! Fast food! Here, chick-chick-chick! HA! (Dragon Begins Persuing Prince, but hesitates and looks behind her to see the Squire pulling on her tail. She then picks him up with her claws)
Squire: Ah!
Evil Fairy Dragon: Heh heh! You know, I can put off the barbequed chicken for a while and have a CHAR BROILED SQUIRE BURGER INSTEAD! (Laughs Maniacally)
Squire: GAH! H-help! PLEASE, your Majesty!
(Prince stops running and turns around with a pleased expression)
Prince: Ah! Now THAT'S more like it! (Hmm.. But how am I gonna beat that overgrown salamander?)
Evil Dragon Fairy: Hey! I can hear you thinking that!
Prince: Oh, yeah? Well what am I thinking now?
Evil Dragon Fairy: I'd tell you, but this is a family show!
Prince: Well, dragonbreath, how bout a little appetizer before the main course?
Evil Dragon Fairy: (Leans her head down to his level) Depends.. Is it high in cholesterol?
Prince: No, and it's got plenty of IRON! (Brings sword down hard upon her head. Large comical goose egg forms, birds fly around head, ect.)
Squire: Sire.. You.. You did it!
Prince: Well, you know..When a friend's in danger..
Squire: NO, I mean you actually went for that incredibly lame pun!
Prince: Ah, pipe down! We've got a Princess to wake up!
Narrator: And, after a trip to the nearby bathroom to guzzle some mouthwash for the extra special moment, the Prince and Squire stood before the beautiful sight of the.. Well, the title character.
Prince: Wow.. She sure is a Sleeping Beauty..
Squire: Of course she is. Didn't you read the script!
Prince: Oh.. Uh, yeah.. Well, let's just hope I have the right stuff.. (kneels down and gives Sleeping Beauty a tender kiss on the lips. Her eyes pop wide open and she sits up)
Sleeping Beauty: Hey! What did you do THAT for?! I was just dreaming that I was kissing this really handsome.. Oh..
(stares at his face in wonder. The Prince smiles nervously)
Squire: Ah! You did it sire!
Sleeping Beauty: Did what? Geeze, look at these nails! How long was I out?
Prince: Oh, about twenty years or so, I guess!
Sleeping Beauty: Oh, shoot! I missed that interview with Royal Monthly!
Prince: Oh, I could help you reschedule another one..
Sleeping Beauty: Hmm.. Do you like Coffee?
Prince: Well, I'm sorry to say, that I really don't..
Sleeping Beauty: (Interrupting him enthusiastically) GREAT! It's a date! (Pulls him wildly by the arm.)
Prince: GYAAAH!
Narrator: And when the two had got to the Royal Court, they found everyone as wide awake and happy.. Well, wide awake, anyway, as they had been before.
King: AH! MY BABY! Darling, you're awake again! (Runs to Sleeping Beauty and embraces her.)
Sleeping Beauty: UGH.. Dad, you've got Coffee breath!
Queen: When Doesn't he? Oh, my sweetheart! It's so good to see you're awake! Now, the Dean will accept your application..
Sleeping Beauty: Mom! Give it some time to sink in! Oh, and I'd like you to meet the nice Prince who woke me up!
Prince: (Blushing) Oh, well.. It was nothing, really..
King: Congratulations, Young man! (Gives him an overly vigorous handshake) So, tell me. Your family have a large monopoly on coffee?
Queen: DEAR!
Prince: Ah, no.. Highly caffinated soda actually..
King: Eh, close enough!
Narrator: And so the somewhat brave Prince and Sleeping Beauty were married. The King allowed everyone to drink something other than coffee, now and then, Fairy #7 Recieved a commandation medal for helping out, the Evil Fairy was arrested for practicing magic with a suspended license, the gardner nearly had a nervous breakdown upon seeing all the weeds, The Squire published a tell all book about the Prince's cowardly beginnings, and later, Sleeping Beauty became the spokesmodel for "Sleeping Beauty Sleeping Pills". They're still trying to figure out how to wake people up from them..
THE END