Forever Isn't Enough
Charlie Amos and Justin Bancroft
[December 17, 2011 – 2:41 PM]
Our anniversary. 7 months. What does he do? Dumps me. Idiot Justin. Justin Bancroft, you bastard. No hard feelings? Too late. Wanna be friends? Not really. Still give you hugs? What the HELL? What is it with that damn prefect? Did your visit to Windsor seriously mess up your head? Like hell I still want to be friends. That's all I've been for so many years, and finally, finally when I think we have something more that friendship, he burns everything down to shit.
I've always been told that 7 was a lucky number, but now, I'm not so sure about that. But... is it my fault? What did I do to deserve this? He promised me that we'd never be apart! Has he been lying this whole time, or did he mean that in a 'best friends' sort of way? No... I knew he loved me since the beginning. He says he still kind of does, but he wants to be single. Is there something he's not telling me in this? Something that I did wrong? Was I pushing him too far when I said that he needed to tell his parents? Did he change? Or did I?
I know I promised him I wouldn't cry. I said I wouldn't commit suicide. But... I cried. So many promises broken. He said he wouldn't – couldn't – break up with me. He promised. I did too. But he did. And I still yearn for him, for his hand in mine, for his laughter that lights up the sky on an overcast day, for him to whisper those three words that I could never get tired of.
No. I won't – can't – show that I'm sad, that I'm secretly dying inside. I don't want people to know, not because I care that we're not longer a 'we.' I don't their pity, and god knows that I'm the one who has to pull Windsor house together. I want to be alone. How come nobody understands that? And I don't want to get Kurt or Blaine upset. They just got together. I'll make my New Year's Resolution early. I won't cry. I'm done with crying. Crying gets you nowhere. I'll put on the mask that everyone else sees as me. I'll act like it's no big deal. I have the whole weekend to sort out my feelings. And if we're destined to be together – like he used to whisper in my ear just last month – he'll come back. If he does, I'll make sure he doesn't leave again. If he does, I'll fix my mistakes. If he does...
-End Entry
[Same Day – 9:29 PM]
It seems I can't even keep a promise to myself, let alone him. I've been crying on and off all day. Even now, I'm blinking back tears. But my sniffling doesn't bother anyone, because I'm kind of sick too, so my parents just think it's the cold. I reread all the poems he gave me. The last one bothers me the most. It talks about buying a one-way ticket to freedom. Was he already living his lie when he gave it to me last month, during our 6 month anniversary? I read the one about the bluebells and "Love is Unconditional." He seemed to have loved me then. That was, what, about a month – maybe half a month ago?
I started crying again. Now too. Pull yourself together, Charlie. Even yesterday, he acted like he still loved me. A little distanced, but still. Had this whole week all been a lie? On Tuesday, we were just having a playful argument over superheroes and sports. I kinda got mad when I heard Logan had kissed him on Valentine's last year. He came and asked me what was wrong, why I was mad at him. I shook my head and smiled. No, I wasn't mad, I'd said. On Thursday, I made him promise to tell his parents sometime soon. He broke up with me today, writing that he wanted to be single and that he didn't want to feel like he had an obligation. Said he still liked me, but it just wasn't there anymore. I guess I sort of used to take him for granted, thinking that he'd always be there for me and that I could change him if I wanted. I guess I'd never thought that one day, he wouldn't be there for me and that I could change him if I wanted. I guess I'd never thought that one day, he wouldn't be there to pick me up or catch me when I'd fallen.
Great, I've just washed my face and now I've cried again. That's like the tenth time today. So I've decided. On Monday, I'll talk to him after class and really end it. Make it so that maybe someday, if he wants to – I mean, really want to – come back, we can start out fresh. I guess I never really thought there'd be a day when he wouldn't be there to catch me when I fell. I never thought he'd be pushing me down one day. And if it could make him come back, I want to be able to take back everything I've said and done, and I want to say sorry for everything mean I've ever thought, said, or did to him. I want to be able to voice my feelings, to tell him that I'll always love him, but I'd probably cry. Or at least, want to. Maybe if I'm lucky, I'll be able to keep the tears from falling. Maybe not.
I don't like to feel weak. The feeling's not fun. You feel powerless to stop whatever's happening. Powerless to do anything but mope, cry, and watch. Hope's not even an option. But that's how I feel right now. Without Justin's warm touch, his face, his body hugging mine, his damn British accent, his concern, and adorable constant nagging. I feel so alone. As if only he matters, and now he's gone. If he were mine again... no. He was never mine to start with.
Someone once told me that if you love someone, you should let them go, and if they come back, then they were truly yours to keep. If not, too bad, because they never will be. I was so lucky, but like a complete idiot, I couldn't see it. And I didn't try to keep him, either. Now, it's too late. What I had, the guy I was truly, madly, deeply, head over heels in love with... he's gone now. Justin's really gone. And it's probably all my fault too. I kept complaining that he wouldn't come out to his parents, that we were never more than best friends when we were at his house during the summer. Why didn't I see it? I was too selfish to realize I was pushing him away, cornering him, and now I'm being selfish again, wanting him back all for myself. So I guess, now all I can do is learn from my mistakes in my next relationship, because crying over him is just plain stupid, and yet I can't seem to stop. On Monday, I'll meet with him to say a final good-bye. I wanna say the last word, and I certainly don't want pity from him. Or anyone else, for that matter. I want him to see that I cared – no... care (because I still do, despite my being angry at him). But I don't want to act like I care that much so he'll come back to me. I want him to see what it's like without me to take care of him. I want to see if he really does still love me, if only a bit. And so, I'll let what happens happen. I'll let the future bring its surprises. I don't want the past – my past with him – to control me.
-End Entry
[Later – 11:06 PM]
Stupid Charlie. Idiot Charlie. Sure, after every entry, I tell myself not to cry anymore, but after every entry, I'm so fucking emotional and the tears start picking up where they last left off. And then my mind wanders back to him, so I cry. Again. I just can't get over the fact that it's over. Of course, I could always plead and beg, but I've always been a bit stubborn, moronically so. I can't accept defeat so easily without a fight. I don't give in. Which is why it's hard to for me say I'm sorry.
You know, it's easier to get mad at people you love. Why? Because deep down inside, they'll always love you anyway, and I know that. But would Justin ever love me again? Does he feel anything when he sees me, if only just a faint shadow compared to the love he felt for me before? So I'm scared. Afraid to get mad at him because I might push him even further away, But if I don't get mad, I'll never be able to live it down, for wanting him again so much.
I'm ashamed that a huge part of me wants you back. Wants to feel your warm embrace, to hear your beautiful accent caressing words, talking to me, telling me you love me and me only. But the other part tells me that I'm silly and I'm just a goddamn stupid romantic. A silly guy who wants to live in his selfish fantasies and can't stand the pressure of real life. A selfish, uncaring schoolboy who wants everything, although he's already lucky enough to have friends and a family who love him. A guy who wants to love, be loved, and be happy. But not just with anyone. With you, Justin. And if you hate me enough to be so blind and so dense not to see that right in front of your eyes that there's this same guy who's insanely, undoubtedly in love with you, I'm speechless. Then you must be the biggest prick in the world. But even then, I'd still be foolish enough to love you. Even then.
-End Entry
[December 18, 2011 – 5:32 AM]
Okay, I've promised myself to just quit with the lies. But then again, I have a real knack of not keeping up with my promises. Still, I don't bother him if he doesn't bother me. I admit I'm not fully over him, but at least I don't cry every time I think of him. I'll be his friend and we can hang out, but only if he comes over and talks to me. Otherwise, we'll just drift apart. And strangely, I'm okay with that. For now, anyway. I seem to have a habit of acting like a hormonal teenage girl, so we'll see.
-End Entry
[December 19, 2011 – 6:15 PM]
It's Monday, and I'm back at Dalton for the week. It turns out everyone fucking knows... except for the people who are supposed to. Kurt and Blaine didn't know. Neither did Wes and David. They do now. At lunch, I was so lonely. He completely ignored me, preferring to sit at the Hanover table instead of sneaking off to sit with me in our own spot, away from everyone else. I noticed his eyes were red and swollen. Glad to know that I'm not the only one who feels like crap over the break-up. I tried to act like normal and joke around a bit, but both of us knew that neither of our hearts were in it.
If Justin's the type of guy who drifts away from his ex, I sure don't want him to. So I'll try again tomorrow, because really, the only thing worse than loving him and not being loved back, is to be completely ignored. I spent lunch with Dwight. He tried to make me feel better. Not entirely successful, but it sure was better than being alone. So now everyone in Windsor – especially the twins – want to murder him because he – excuse the ever so cliché phrase – broke my heart. But I'm doing fine as of now. I'm completely over him. Oh, who am I kidding? I can't even fucking lie to myself, much less lie to everyone else. I still miss him... a lot. But I'll get over it someday... right?
-End Entry
[Same Day – 10:47 PM]
I called him, and he actually picked up. We had this 10 minute talk. He... he said he just didn't like me as much as he did before. Inever liked him, did I? No, I only loved him. Nothing more, nothing less. He said he knew he had to tell his parents (I interrupted to tell him that I could help), but he wanted to prove something to himself, said he wanted to do it alone. He said when he was around me, he felt like he needed to be perfect, because that's what I deserved. Oh, you complete asshole, Justin. Nobody's perfect. You don't have to be, because neither am I. He says that maybe, at the end of this year, we could go out again. If not, he doesn't know if he'll go out with me next or someone else, but there's really not other person in his life besides me, and he'd rather hook up with me than anyone else right now. But that's when I remind him that this is our senior year. If not now, then when? After this, there's college, and after that, only more growing up. And of course, Justin, that adorable prick, answers: 'Yeah, but who knows what the future will bring, Charlie?' True. So he told me to write him a letter, a really long letter to tell him everything. And he, in turn, would also write me a letter, and one day, we would both read it, no matter where we were, even if we weren't together anymore.
I think I started crying again at that point, but I'm not sure if the tears were happy or just bittersweet. All I know is that we said bye after that, and the tears, which had already started tracing a pattern on my cheeks, continued to follow that pattern, each one dripping down my face and into my upturned palm.
-End Entry
[December 20, 2011 – 5:31 PM]
I don't know how idiotic I am. How moronic I am. I don't know why I thought things could ever be the same between us. We still hug, in an awkward brotherly sort of way, and talk and all. But the passion's not there. The spark, and the love from him that I miss so much. Other than hi's, bye's, and prefect meetings, there's no other real talking. There used to be so much more that I can't put words to. We used to spend all of lunch together in our own spot on the fields, joking around. We'd talk about superheroes, and sports, and future... and us. Or sometimes, we'd just sit back, relax, and watch clouds together. At the end, we'd hug, maybe even share a small, chaste kiss, and walk one another to class or something.
Now... well, today, we barely even interacted. I wouldn't be bothered so much if he at least acted sad or something. But then again, I don't really either, so who am I to judge? And whenever I see Kurt and Blaine hugging or holding hands or just being so happy together, it makes me wish I could do that again with Justin. But if I did, he'd just leave me again someday, and the pain would be even worse.
I'd never really realized how warm his touch was until now, and I truly miss it. I miss everything. I miss him. I miss us.
-End Entry
[Later – 6:59 PM]
It's not until now that I've realized just how much everyone in Windsor actually cares about me. Maybe it's because I'm so busy taking care of them and making sure they're alright that I've never allowed them the chance to care for and protect me.
Dwight, no matter how much of a pain in the ass he is, really cares about me, and even offered to exorcise Justin for me. I shook my head and managed a soft chuckle. I guess, in his strange way, he does protect me. And they all do. Wes, he supports me. The twins were out to kill their 'White Queen' until I firmly ordered them not to. Kurt, he stayed with me all day yesterday trying to comfort me. David, he sort of stuck around me, making sure I wasn't alone with Justin. Han doesn't mention the specifics of everything, although I know for sure he's seen everything on his cameras. Blaine's even taken over most of the prefect duties without missing a beat.
I guess they really do care. And that makes me feel like an even worse person, for making them all worry about me. Usually, I'd say something like 'Justin! You prat, this is all your fault!' But it's not this time. And I know it's not his fault I'm still head over heels, crazy for him, or my heart skips a beat every time he says hi, or he hugs me, or comes near me, or the sun hits him at that angle that makes his hair just glow. It's not his fault. It's mine. I'm the one who can't let go of things, the one whose heart is tearing in two because like a stupid, goddamn moron, I can't seem to stop loving him.
-End Entry
[December 17, 2012 – 7:02 PM]
Wow, it's been awhile, huh? I've given up now. Really. I have. This is one promise I'm going to keep with myself, not because I have the amazing willpower, but because it's impossible for me not to keep it. I'm going off on a soccer scholarship now – it's now the summer after graduation – and Justin's in England, presumably to attend Oxford or some other school his parents want him to go to. It would be useless to try to convince myself that I don't love him anymore, not when just the mere mention of his name sends pain shooting through my chest, not when I can't see him without the back of my eyes burning. But now it's time to find someone else. Move on, I guess. And if I never get the chance to tell him, I want to at least write it down somewhere. Because not a day's gone by that I don't think of him, of his fucking perfect voice, as smooth and adorable as hell, of his fucking soft lips, the ones that I always loved pressed against mine, of the sounds he makes when I've got him pressed up against a wall, of his damn attractive ass, of his sweet personality, of everything that makes him Justin Bancroft. Not a day's gone by that I don't think about how stupid I was for letting him go. Not a day's gone by that I don't feel the ghost of his embrace around my shoulders, the shadow of his lips on mine. Not a day's gone by that I don't think about how much I fucking love him. And through it all, I only have myself to blame, because I'm the one who just can't seem to let go. Me and my stupid fucking heart. The same stupid fucking heart that's splitting at the seams and starting to slowly die. The same stupid fucking heart that is broken, shattered, and it'll never be fixed, because the only one it yearns for is the one it can't have. The same stupid fucking heart that belongs to the same stupid fucking Justin Bancroft.
-End Entry
[May 19, 2014]
I'm still alive, but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in
'Cause I got time while he got freedom
'Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don't break even
His best days will be some of my worst
He's finally met someone that's gonna put him first
While I'm wide awake, he has no trouble sleeping
'Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don't break even, even, no
What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay?
I'm falling of pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
'Cause he's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks, no, it don't break even, even, no
What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay?
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
(One's still in love while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
('Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don't break even)
You got their heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame
Now I'm tryin' to make sense of what little remains, oh
'Cause you left me with no love and no love to my name
I'm still alive, but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in
'Cause I got time while he got freedom
'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't break
No, it don't break, no, it don't break even, no
What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay?
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
(One's still in love while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
('Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't break even)
Oh, it don't break even, no
Oh, it don't break even, no
Oh, it don't break even, no
My heart still belongs to you, Justin Bancroft. Do with it what you will. Every day, I'll try not to think of you and where my heart is, because it will only cause me more pain. Before we lose touch, I want to tell you that I wrote that letter you talked about. Well, it wasn't really a letter. Pages from a journal that I wrote in, more like. But still, it's my letter to you. Do with it what you will. Because with all my heart and soul, I, Charles Amos, love you, Justin Bancroft. With every part of me, with every breath I take, with everything that is me. I love you and I always will. Forever? No. Forever isn't enough for me. I will love you more than forever.
Justin put the pages of Charlie's 'letter' to him down on the table, thin droplets already starting to drip down his chin. Why was he so stupid? He had thought that by ending the relationship early, they wouldn't have to face the pain of what happened when his parents inevitably found out and tried to separate them. Oh, but he was so selfish, wasn't he, causing Charlie all this unnecessary pain. It wasn't like he hadn't felt his heart breaking apart too, when he had left Charlie. As much as he tried to cover it up around his parents, friends, and even Laura, he knew deep down in his heart that he still loved Charlie.
He wanted to tell Charlie everything, how he had longed to just give up and be with the Windsor prefect for every day of the past few years. How he wanted just to feel Charlie's hot breath on his neck. How he wanted to be with Charlie forever, despite what his parents would think. How he didn't want to marry the wife he now had, didn't want to obey his parents' orders. How he would never be able to tell Charlie everything, how just being with him made Justin's heart beat just that much faster, and how not being with him caused a dull ache, not only in Justin's heart, but in his soul. How every fibre of Justin's being screamed at him to wake up and leave Karen, his wife. How he loved Charlie so much it hurt.
"I love you too, Charlie, and I wish I could be with you, but I can't," Justin uttered the words quietly, his voice a hoarse whisper, as tear after tear spilled down his face, landing on the letter and smudging the blue ink on it. Somewhere, in America, Charlie's heart – still belonging to Justin, even while Charlie took his last breath and recalled the angelic face of his first and only real love –gave one last painful tug before it stopped beating.