A/N: Probably should've posted this one months ago, but better late than never right?
Picks up right after Andy has said those three little words to Sam in 3.07, and gives a look into why he couldn't say them back to her - at that point in time.
Hope you enjoy, and as always feedback is wonderful to receive :)
"I love you."
"What?"
"I do. I love you. There! I said it. It's out there. Now I can stop worrying about it coming out of my mouth at a really weird time."
"You mean like now?"
"Look, you…you don't…you don't have to say it back. Okay, I don't care that you've never said it before, and I don't care if you never say it. This is how I feel, and… so, there, I'm saying it. Want me to say it again?"
"Start the truck."
"Cause I will you know. I mean, now that I've popped the old cork, let the genie out of the bottle, I'm gonna say it all the time."
"McNally, just drive."
Who knew that three little words could have so much impact? Sam sure didn't. He has been rendered speechless today – in his truck nonetheless.
When Andy had told him that she loved him.
She loved him.
"I love you," she had had this huge unwavering smile plastered all over her face and in that moment Sam had known two things for certain. One; his life would never be the same and two; it would only be a matter of time before Andy would need him to say those very words back to her – despite what she had said in the truck.
The only thing standing in their way is him. He has never said those words before – to anyone. Okay, he has. To Sarah and his mother, and his father as well he guesses – only that seems like a lifetime ago now.
At first he had been flooded with disbelief; he must have heard wrong. Surely she hadn't just…but she had, because she had repeated the words to him a second time around.
Then he had been flooded with shock; utter shock and his ability to breathe normally had - for a short time at least - been suspended.
The final emotion he had been presented with had been euphoria; she loves him. After three years of waltzing back and forth – she loves him. He hadn't been able to contain his elation at the revelation – he had been surprised – yes. Shocked – double check, but above all he had been secretly elated to hear it.
Several hours later they are sitting in Andy's condo eating dinner. The only sound that can be heard is the clattering of the silverware. The silence is awkward and unusual – not to mention palpable, so Andy decides to make the first move since Sam obviously won't.
"Hey," she says nudging his ankle with her foot underneath the table. "Are you okay?" Andy asks narrowing her eyes at him. She doesn't know what to make of this version of Sam. He's quiet - too quiet, which is never a good sign.
"What do you mean?" he asks looking up while swallowing a piece of meat he's been working on.
"You're quiet." She states taking a sip of her water, while keeping her unwavering eyes trained on him.
"It's just been one hell of a day, McNally," he shrugs wiping his mouth with his napkin.
"Yeah, I know," Andy concedes putting her glass of water down on the table. But what is it about today's shift that's got him in a tizzy exactly? The psychic? Or is it the close call that she and Nick had in the underground garage? Unless…"Hang on," she suddenly holds her hand up to pause their conversation, "Is this about what happened in the truck?" she asks.
"Huh?" Sam deadpans making Andy tilt her head sideways – as anger is running through her veins. Why does he have to be this obtuse when she is trying to talk to him? Men, she scoffs silently.
"Sam, I told you that I loved you," she reminds him.
"I remember, McNally," he tells her downing the last of his beer. "Not exactly something that I can block out," he says raising his eyebrows at her.
"Sam, I told you that you don't have to say it back," she says feeling like she has to repeat this to him again. He's scaring her, and not in a good way.
"I know," he nods his head biting the inside of his cheek. With a quick shrug of his shoulders Sam picks up their plates and carries them into the kitchen.
"Then what is this?" Andy asks waving her hands in-between them; him standing by the sink rinsing off their plates and her; sitting at the table, alone, watching his every move.
"This",he starts turning around to look at her, "Is me being a proper boyfriend," Sam winks at her before turning back to the sink to resume his job at hand, while Andy just sits silently scowling at him with her arms folded across her chest.
"Cut it out…" Sam sighs after Andy has been staring at him for several minutes. They are sitting on the couch watching some stupid movie that she has probably seen a hundred times. She has been resolute in wanting him to talk to her, but Sam being Sam has remained mum.
"Can't we just…" she tries to persuade him, but he is having none of it.
"McNally, just watch the freakin' movie alright?" he tells her with a raised eyebrow. Just as Andy is about to tell him off for his petulant behavior her phone rings. "You'd better get that," he informs her cockily pointing his head in the direction of her phone, which is vibrating on the coffee table in front of them.
"This isn't over," she informs him pointing her index finger at him before grabbing the shrilling instrument and flipping it open. "Yeah?!" Andy snaps answering the phone. "Hey, I'm sorry," she apologizes to whoever just got the brunt of her anger – unwarranted of course. Andy mouths Traci to him before walking towards the kitchen for some girl talk.
Sam rubs his face sighing audibly. He knows that he won't get out of this. She will be adamant that they have the talk, and he is not up for that. Not tonight. The truth is that he's just not ready for those three little words yet. He isn't scared of much, but baring his soul to this amazing woman, and risking her leaving him again scares the shit out of him.
There you have it, the reason he can't reciprocate Andy's words. It's not that he doesn't want to, because he does, but he just can't. Showing people that he cares about them has never worked out well for Sam. Sure, he loves his sister and his mother. That's required. But his father – Jesus Christ – there's an inconsistency if he's ever heard one.
~ Toronto, January 1973
He wakes up with a start.
There are loud noises coming from the living room. He recognizes the voices as those belonging to his mother and father. They have been fighting a lot lately, he always tries to block out the ugly words – either by crawling underneath his bed and covering his ears with his hands or by opening up a window and letting the noises from below drown out the sound of them fighting.
Looking at his bedside table, little Sammy Swarek sees that it's barely past midnight. He should try to get back to sleep, maybe cover his head with his pillow, but something inside him makes him sit up on the edge of his bed, his small feet dangling a few centimeters off of the carpeted floor.
Grabbing his teddy bear by the hand, he pads to his bedroom door, opening it slowly, creating a small creak to look through into the living room. His mother is in tears, clutching the necklace around her neck in a death grip, as his father is sitting on the couch looking up at her with a pleading look in his eyes.
"I can't believe you!" his usually caring mother snaps at his father.
"Sophia, please..," his father begs standing up from the couch. "We need to talk about this." He says eying the thunderstorm of a wife he has staring back at him.
"Don't you Sophia-me, Benjamin!" She yells making Sam flinch upon seeing a side of his mother he's never seen before. Whenever he's been scolded, it has always been his father who has done it. His mother takes care of bruises and nightmares. "How could you do this?" she whispers on the verge of tears. "How could you do this to our family?"
"Everything I have ever done has been for this family!" he argues vehemently. "Do you think I enjoy knowing that I can't provide for my own family unless I color outside the lines?" Benjamin asks.
"Coloring outside the lines?" Sophia mimics him. "Is that what you call this? In a couple of minutes there'll be cops banging down our front door, and all you can say is that you colored outside the lines for us? For the people you claim to love?"
Pinching the bridge of his nose, Benjamin tries to contain his anger. A part of him wants to shake her, to get her to understand that everything he has done has been for her, for Sarah and for Sammy – but he can't do that.
Because he's not that guy.
He's just a guy, who's really great at taking the easy way out, so when his boss offered him some extra money, he hadn't even questioned it. The only thing he had thought about had been all the bills that were piling up on top of each other at home.
Looking up, it kills him to see the tears that are cascading down her cheeks. "I love you, Sophia."
"Right..," she scoffs drying the tears away with the back of her hand.
In a few seconds time, he is cupping her face and staring into those brown pools of hers. "I have never loved anyone more, Sweetheart. But this was my mistake, and I don't want it to stain you or the kids. I will be okay, and so will you."
"How can you say that?" Sophia sobs. "I can do this; I can't take care of our kids alone."
"Shh..," Benjamin shushes her kissing her softly on the forehead. "Yes, you can. You can do anything you set your mind to, Sweetheart." He tells her.
"I love you so much..," she weeps into his chest when there's a knock at the door. The sounds from inside the small apartment cease, and everything seems to happen in slow-motion for Sam, who is still hiding behind his slightly ajar bedroom door.
"Mr. Swarek." The elderly officer out of the two states. He and his partner are standing right outside the front door looking at Sam's father. Sophia is standing right behind him, needing to be as close as possible to him for as long as she can.
"Daddy..?" a small voice asks from behind them, and all eyes fall on Sam standing in his pajamas holding his teddy bear in his hands.
Sophia dries her eyes, and goes to their little boy. "Baby, you shouldn't be up right now." She crouches down in front of him, and takes Sam into her arms. He goes willingly, but his eyes are set on his father and the two police officers by the front door.
"Where are you going, daddy?" Sam voices his question, and feels his mother tense up. Something bad is happening.
"Buddy, listen..," Benjamin starts, but one of the police officers clears his throat indicating that they don't have time for this. "Please, just five minutes with my boy." He pleads with him; silently thanking the God's above that Sarah is at a sleepover. One child to explain this mess to at a time is more than enough.
Finally he receives a nod of acknowledgement, and walks to where Sophia and Sam are, and crouches down next to his wife. "Come here, Sammy," Benjamin says holding his arms out wide for his son, as Sam goes from his mother's warm embrace and to his father's.
"What is going on, daddy?" he asks rubbing his tired eyes.
"I need you to listen to me, Sammy. Really listen." He tells his little boy rubbing a hand up and down Sam's back soothingly. It isn't often that Sam has been held like this by his father, it's usually his mother that gives out all the hugs and kisses.
"Okay, daddy..," he promises his father leaning back slightly so he can look his father in the eyes. Benjamin has always told him to look people in the eye when he talks to them, it shows them respect.
"I need you to take care of your mom and Sarah for me, buddy…I have done some things, some wrong things that I shouldn't have done," he says chancing a look at Sophia, who has gathered her senses in front of Sam, but who is still on the verge of tears. "That's why these police officers are here – they have to take me to a place where I can make amends. Amends for those wrong things I did, no matter how good my intentions may have been."
"Will you be gone long?" Sam asks having remembered his father's promise for them to get ice cream the next day at the park. Pistachio flavored ice cream is his favorite.
Closing his eyes, Benjamin tries to crush the guilt that is attacking his very being. But he can't. He has always promised himself, Sophia, Sarah and Sammy that he would be the best husband and father he could be, and that means not going back on his promises.
But this was one promise that he couldn't keep.
"I don't know, buddy. But we will see each other again, I know we will." He makes the one promise that he knows he shouldn't be making, but can't keep himself from making all the same.
"Mr. Swarek..?" the elderly police officer clears his throat indicating that they need to go. "We really need to get going."
Cupping Sam's face in his hands, his father looks directly into his eyes. "You take care of your mom and Sarah. You be a man, and you take care of your family, eh…" It's not a question; it's a statement of fact.
"Yes, daddy..," Sam nods his head, as his father kisses him on the cheek before getting up off of the floor along with his mother.
"You be brave, okay..?" Benjamin takes Sophia's chin between his forefinger and thumb before tilting her head up, making her look him in the eyes. "I love you more than you'll ever know."
"I love you so much..," her body is wracked with a sob when their lips meet in a sweet kiss.
Pulling back from their embrace, Benjamin looks down at Sam and winks at him before walking towards the two police officers by the front door.
Sophia picks Sam up off of the carpeted floor, as they watch their husband and father being handcuffed.
"I love you daddy!" Sam yells, as he watches his father being escorted out of their apartment and their lives by the very people he'd end up serving year's later.
So, he and Andy aren't that different actually. They have both had to live without one of their respective parents in their formative years. Sure, Sam's circumstances with his father were somewhat more serious than that of Andy's mother, but still.
He might not be able to say those three little words to her, but he can certainly show her how he feels about her though.
"I promise, Trace, I will go shopping with you for the wedding, okay? Talk to you then," she finishes up the call pressing the off-button. "Geesh," Andy snaps eying the instrument with malice in her brown eyes.
"Wedding jitters already?" Sam asks standing up from the couch and walking towards her in the kitchen area.
"Yeah…" she sighs dropping the phone onto the kitchen island. "So…where were we?" she asks matter-of-factly, as Sam places his hands on either side of her body – pinning her against the counter top.
"Right about…" he moves in slowly nuzzling her nose with his, "…here…" Sam breathes, his lips hovering on hers.
The energy between them is crackling; the warmth is spreading through Andy's body – making her all hot and bothered. Slowly she slides her hands up Sam's strong chest – intending to push him away so they can talk – but the minute she looks into his dark eyes she's lost in their depth.
"Sam…" Andy breathes in a whiny tone of voice.
"McNally, let me show you," he whispers softly as her mouth opens underneath his granting him access, and he thrusts his tongue into her mouth exploring and tasting.
Andy's hands grab fistfuls of his shirt bringing him impossibly closer to her. His lips travel to her cheek, her jaw and her collarbone – groaning all the way. His erection straining against his jeans let's Andy know that he's just as turned on as she is.
"Maybe we could…" she pants trying to regain her footing, "…like try some of those other positions?!" She squeaks, as memories of their morning together come to mind. Andy flushes scarlet just thinking about it, but Sam doesn't seem to notice, as he drags his lips from her warm skin to press his forehead against hers – gasping audibly.
"Sounds like a plan," he breathes pressing his hands underneath her thighs and hoisting her up making her wrap her legs around his waist and curl her arms around his neck. Sam walks in the direction of the bedroom with McNally in his arms, as she traces her tongue along the shell of his ear.
When they arrive in the bedroom, Sam doesn't carry her to the bed, but instead turns around and presses her against the wall – eliciting an audible gasp from her – along with a wicked giggle. He slowly lets her legs find their place on the floor, and Andy grabs the hem of his shirt yanking it up his torso before throwing it onto the floor.
She plants her hands on his chest and moves in to place a wet kiss on top of the sprinkling of chest hairs. Andy loves his chest – it's uniquely hers to please and to touch. Sam combs his fingers through her hair and tilts her head back making her look him in the eyes.
"You're so beautiful," he rasps – his voice filled with admiration for this woman in front of him. Apparently, Andy loves his bluntness because she's smiling that secret smile of hers at him – the one that only he gets.
Her hands travel to his belt, and undo it as he gazes into her brown pools. Andy pops the button and slides the zipper down before slipping the garment off of his muscular hips. Regaining his equilibrium he steps out of his jeans as well as his socks.
"I seem to be overdressed," Andy grins with a wicked gleam in her eyes snapping the strap of her white tank top. Sam smirks at her before grabbing the hem of her top and dragging it up her stomach and past her breasts before releasing her shoulders of it – leaving her hair in disarray. He throws it onto the floor to join his shirt, jeans and socks.
"Not for long," he grins raising his eyebrows at her before popping the button on her jeans and sliding the zipper down. Disposing Andy of her jeans he leaves her standing in matching black panties and bra – something new if memory serves him right.
"Had a feeling," she cackles shrugging her shoulders before pushing against his chest till they're standing by the foot of the bed.
"Now what?" he asks biting the inside of his cheek to prevent his shit-eating grin from appearing on his lips.
"I think you know," Andy giggles pushing at his chest making him flop down onto the mattress – face up. Using his elbows Sam climbs up the bed until his head is resting on a pillow. She scrambles onto the bed, climbing up his body until her knees are on either side of his body straddling his lap.
"Well, McNally..?" Sam grins up at her as she leans into his body pressing her breasts against his chest.
"It's up to you, Swarek," she cocks an eyebrow at him before yelping in surprise when he flips her pinning her underneath him.
"In that case," he tells her with a smirk adorning his face before lowering his lips to hers.
"That was…wauw..," Andy pants lying next to Sam on the bed staring up at the ceiling in awe.
"Yeah…" he gasps grinning sideways at her before pressing her against his side. "Definitely gonna do that again someday," Sam states, as she places her head on his chest draping one arm across his ribcage.
"Most definitely," Andy nods her head slowly making herself comfortable against his warm body.
"Andy, about earlier," he says rubbing his knuckles up and down the slope of her spine. "I may not be the most romantic guy on the planet, but I do care about you." Sam feels her shifting next to him and propping herself up on one elbow, cradling her cheek in the palm of her hand.
"Shh…" Andy places her index finger across his lips silencing him. "I know. Like I said I don't care that you haven't said it back, Sam. I just needed to tell you, so I did." She leans in and places a chaste kiss on his lips before making herself comfortable in his arms again.
Sam tucks her head underneath his chin wrapping his arms around her petite form. He might not be all warm and fussy, but he does love this. Feeling her body pressed against his like this – he's reminded that she's still here – in the middle of his mess – with him.
One day, he promises himself. One day he will tell her, but for tonight he will hold her and relish in the fact that he has indeed come a long way. He is no longer the little kid, who watched his father being escorted out of their home by two of Toronto's finest.
His father is incarcerated at Maplehurst Penitentiary, has been ever since that night. Maybe he should pay him a visit? If the past is what is holding him back from moving forward with Andy – then maybe he should make that drive to Ontario.
Maybe.
FIN!