Wednesday, July 8th, 1981
Hyde's House
The lump in Hyde's throat grew thick and the pain was like nothing he'd ever felt before. His grip on the bedspread tightened as tears threatened to fall for the hundredth time that day. He swallowed through the pain repeatedly, desperate not crumble into the emotional mess everyone was waiting for.
The emotional mess that he felt inside.
He turned around and leaned his back against the bed. Looking at his friend's sympathetic gazes was not an option right now. The guys were like brothers to Hyde, but even brotherly love wasn't gonna get him through this one. Pulling his knees to his chest he put his head in his hands and wondered what the fuck would get him through today, and tomorrow, and the rest of his goddamn life.
A nervous hand gently patted his shoulder. "Hyde, man, just let it out. You don't need to be strong, not today." Eric's voice was shaky, like he too had been crying as he paced Hyde's small bedroom.
"Yes Hyde, you have barely shed a tear all day, that can't be good." Fez was sitting on the other side of the bed and Hyde was sure that the guy hadn't stopped crying all freaking day. He'd probably cried enough tears for all of them and his dramatics were starting to piss Hyde off. Hell, everything was starting to piss him off. The constant ringing of the doorbell, the constant stream of visitors, the casseroles, the pies, and most of all, the constant streams of tears, were all reminders of the living nightmare he had found himself in.
Eric's hand returned to Hyde's shoulder, this time with more force. "We're here for you Hyde, we're all here for you. We want to help, you just gotta let us," Eric said, his voice nearly a whisper.
Hyde tried to say something, he tried to tell them that he was fine, that he'd get over it and that they didn't need to fuss, but the lump in his throat was burning now and he couldn't bring himself to say anything. Instead he pulled at tufts of synthetic fiber sprouting out of the carpet. He'd never noticed how ugly the carpet in his bedroom was. The brown and mustard swirly patterns made him want to be sick and he wanted to rip the shit up. Floorboards. Polished floorboards would be better. Perhaps he could do that tomorrow.
"Wanna give me a hand lifting this carpet up Forman?" The words had come out without him even thinking, his eyes and mind still locked on the dirty, threadbare carpet.
"What? You want to lift the carpet? Today?"
Hyde shrugged. "Today, tomorrow, whenevers good for you."
Eric crouched down in front of Hyde and calmly said, "Hyde, you have a funeral to be at tomorrow."
"We'll do it today then, it won't take long. We'll need a sander though, for the floorboards," Hyde explained as he continuously ran his hand over the carpet. "Kelso, has your old man got one of those? He's got loads of crap like that in his garage."
Kelso looked up nervously from his seat on the old wooden chair in the corner of the room. "Ah, I dunno man, maybe. I could ask-"
"No Kelso, you won't ask," Eric cut in. "Hyde, we're not lifting your carpet and sanding your floorboards today." He stood up abruptly, breaking Hyde's trance, and ran a hand through his bangs. Hyde's eyes followed the lines across his best friends forehead; the lines of sadness, frustration, and anger.
"Eric, it might give him something to do, you know, to take his mind off things," Fez said quietly behind his hand, as if one tiny hand could shield Hyde from hearing him.
Eric's arms were folded across his chest now and Hyde was sure one lone tear was falling down his cheek. God he envied Forman and his ability to show emotion.
"No Fez, Hyde's mind needs to be on this." Eric turned back to Hyde and stared down at him. "Your son has died man, you gotta let yourself grieve, ripping up carpet while all your family and friends are out there isn't grieving, it's hiding," he said pointing to the closed bedroom door.
In the full length mirror on the wall Hyde watched as Kelso's head fell into his hands. His shoulders were shaking and his foot was manically tapping the floor. He was crying. Everyone was crying. Except for Hyde.
"I'm fine," he said as he resumed pulling at the carpet.
"No you're not, and I'll tell you who else isn't fine, Cassidy. I haven't seen you talk to her in two days. Don't you think she needs some support?" Eric was starting to really piss Hyde off now.
"She has her family."
"But she needs you."
"Whatever."
Cassidy. Hyde let his head fall back on the bed, his eyes now studying the ceiling and the yellow tobacco stains that lay as reminders of the shithole he'd moved his family into. Cassidy had never once complained about the crappy house. All she'd wanted was to live with Hyde and their son, no matter where it was. The day they'd moved in she'd told Hyde it was the greatest day of her life. He still remembered smiling a half-hearted smile, wishing that he felt the same. But he didn't. She had been a one night stand, she was never supposed to be the girl he'd spend the rest of his life with. But her pregnancy changed all that and he'd tried real hard to be enthusiastic about their situation. But now the glue that'd held them together was gone and he didn't even know what to say to her.
"I agree with Eric," Fez said as he turned to face Hyde. "Cassidy needs you Hyde, the poor girl is so sad. You must comfort her."
"Whatever."
Eric slammed his fist against the wall, his eyes darkened with sadness and frustration. "No Hyde, not whatever! You-"
Eric's angry words were cut off by a soft knock at the bedroom door. Kitty Forman poked her distraught face into the bedroom, her eyes darting around the room and at the boy's solemn faces. "Steven honey, Pastor Dave is here, you need to come and sort the final details for tomorrow's service."
Hyde rubbed his eyes under his shades and sighed. He didn't wanna sort anything for tomorrow. What a waste of fuckin' time funerals were. It wasn't gonna bring his son back. It wasn't gonna take away the pain of losing a little baby. It wasn't gonna help.
"Can you just do it Mrs Forman? Please?" He looked at his foster mother with pleading eyes but the small shake of her head told him that even she couldn't do that for him. She walked over to his sorry form and bent down, placing a warm hand on his knee.
"Steven you have to do this, I'm sorry." Her tone was soft, like she was talking to a child, and right then he actually felt like a child.
He sighed again. "I know."
...
To others, wearing work boots everyday may have been unbearable, but Hyde had worn them everyday for as long as he could remember and usually to him those boots were as comfy as soft slippers. Today, however, as he made his way into the living room, Hyde could've sworn his boots were filled with cement. Every step was heavy. Every step was torturous. He could hear the quiet whispers of the well-wishers who had stopped by to offer their condolences, and the familiar scent of coffee lingering heavy in the air reminded him of the old ladies at church who hung around after the sermon sipping coffee and collecting the weekly gossip. It pissed him off knowing most of them would've come by today for the exact same reason. The death of a baby, it had to be big news in a small town like Point Place.
He stopped just before reaching the living room door that separated him from the gossipmongers. His chest felt tight like someone was standing on it, probably someone wearing his cement laden work boots, and he couldn't take another step. Just before he attempted to flee back to the safety of his bedroom a hand rested on his shoulder, the same hand that had been trying to remove his pain all day, Eric's.
"We're right behind you bro," he whispered as Hyde turned around and saw his three best friends. Fez wiped his wet eyes and smiled. Kelso nodded, his face sadder than Hyde had ever seen it. And Eric, well Eric, just gently pushed Hyde into the room he'd been avoiding all afternoon.
The afternoon sun streamed into the small living room and specks of dust floated through the air in search of somewhere to rest. Hyde wondered if his son was somewhere out there floating around looking for somewhere to rest. He hoped not. He hoped Johnny wasn't watching all of this, or worse still, searching for his parents. Tugging at the neck of his t-shirt the thought of his son alone or afraid made it hard for Hyde to breathe and he wanted to run for the door and escape the dusty, claustrophobic room.
"Steven," Kitty called, "come and sit down over here honey." She was gesturing to a spot on the old sofa next to Cassidy, the last place Hyde wanted to sit. He tugged at his t-shirt again, positive that over there, on that sofa next to Cassidy and her mom, there would be even less oxygen. He walked through the crowd of people avoiding their pitiful glances and sat down next to his girlfriend. Straight away she latched onto his arm, her wet tears on his bare arm sending an icy chill down his spine.
"Great, now we have you both here we can start." Pastor Dave was talking but all Hyde could concentrate on were the tears running down his arm and the bags hanging around the pastor's eyes. God if Hyde looked that bad he hoped someone would just shoot him. "Now, we have most of the hymns sorted but is there a song in particular you'd like played as Johnny is carried out of the church?"
Songs. Who gave a crap about songs right now?
Cassidy sat up and Hyde wiped his arm. "I was thinking," she began as she smoothed her blonde hair back, "maybe you have something in mind Hyde? Maybe one of your Zeppelin songs?" Her eyes were puffy, almost like she was having an allergic reaction to something. Hyde couldn't look at her.
"Nope I'm good."
She wiped her nose with the wad of rolled up tissues in her trembling hand. "There must be something you think might be appropriate?"
"Ah, no, no there's not."
Pastor Dave sat forward, nervously tapping his pen on his empty writing pad. "We have songs for these occasions, maybe you could pick one of those?"
"God!" Susan, Cassidy's overbearing, over weight, and overrated mother chimed in. "You have done nothing to help Hyde! The least you could do to help is chose a song to fit the occasion. Poor Cassie has organised everything!"
Hyde shot Susan an angry look as all the rage he'd been supressing since he'd received the devastating phonecall yesterday bubbled to the surface.
"Tell me Susan, tell me what fucking song fits the 'my baby died in his sleep at three months old and now we're burying him' occasion? Because y'know what, I can't think of one right now and truth be told I don't fucking care what song is playing while my son is gettin' carried outta the church in a freakin' wooden box!"
The room fell silent as everyone turned their attention to Hyde. He stood up as Kitty rushed over and placed her hand on his chest.
"Steven honey, it's okay, now sit back down," she said trying to calm the situation.
Everyone was watching the crazy, bereaved father's outburst, probably trying to commit what he yelled to memory so it could be shared down the main street tomorrow.
The only movement in the room came from Kelso who was walking toward the front door. As he opened it he looked over at Hyde.
Good old Kelso, he always knows how to escape an awkward situation.
Hyde nodded at his friend and moved to step toward the open door but a small hand reached out and grabbed his.
"Hyde don't. Please stay and help me with this." Her voice was small, her tone was pleading, but his mind was made up, he had to go.
Avoiding Cassidy's crying form Hyde stepped out of the door after Kelso, with Eric and Fez following closely behind. The warm air quickly filled his lungs and he could finally breathe again. And god he needed to breathe.
...
Later that night
Jackie's Apartment
Kenosha, Wisconsin
Jackie wrapped a thick chunk of hair around her curling iron and clamped it closed. As she waited for the hot press to work it's magic she checked her reflection in the mirror and smiled a satisfied smile. Her make up was perfect, as usual, and her new coral lipstick complemented her olive skin perfectly. She just hoped her blind date tonight appreciated the effort. Unwrapping the tight curl from the iron the sudden sound of the phone ringing caused her to jump and burn her finger slightly.
"Damn you!" she cursed the caller aloud as she raced to her nightstand to pick up the phone. "Hello?"
"Jackie, it's Donna, where the hell have you been?"
Jackie rolled her eyes as she blew cool air on her burning finger. "God Donna, just because you and your hillbilly cousins talk to each other like that it doesn't mean you can greet the rest of us civilized people in the same manner."
"I've been trying to get a hold of you for two days, why don't you pick up your phone?" Donna sounded flustered, it was probably Eric problems again and while Jackie took delight in hearing about her best friends unfortunate relationship she really didn't have time to discuss it tonight.
"I have a job Donna, and a life, speaking of which, I have a date tonight so I really have to go and finish getting ready. But call me tomorrow and I'll do my best to not laugh at whatever it is Eric's done now."
"Jackie, this isn't about Eric, it's about Hyde, I have some news."
News about Hyde. That was the last thing Jackie wanted to hear tonight. News about him was never good news and somehow Hyde news always seemed to be news that had major repercussions on Jackie's life. The last news he had to tell her was that he had knocked up a one night stand and that piece of information effectively ended their relationship for good.
"I don't have time for this now," she said, twirling the phone cord tightly around her finger. "I have a handsome man waiting to take me out tonight so whatever it is you feel you need to tell me can wait, preferably forever."
She heard Donna sniff. Was she crying?
"Johnny's dead."
Jackie's heart stopped for a moment. She couldn't have heard right. "What did you say?"
Donna's voice was louder this time but her words were still hard to hear between the sobs. "Johnny, he passed away yesterday morning. A little baby Jackie, a tiny little baby..."
"Oh my god." With a hand over her mouth Jackie sat on the edge of her bed. Images of Steven flashed through her head. "How? What happened?"
No answers came from her friend, only more sobbing.
"Donna! Tell me what happened!"
More sniffing. "I don't know...he passed away in his sleep, it happens apparently. Jackie you have to come home, the funeral's tomorrow at 10, you have to come..."
A funeral? For Steven's baby? This was all too much for Jackie to process and she took a deep breath before speaking as if trying to inhale the strength she needed to explain to Donna that she wouldn't be coming back. "I can't come," she whispered.
"What?" Donna sounded angry but Jackie couldn't and wouldn't back down.
"I can't come to his funeral Donna, I never even met him." It was true, she had never met him. The closest she'd even gotten to Hyde's baby was the few photos Donna had shown her over the past couple of months.
"So? It's not about that Jackie, it's about being here for Hyde, he's a mess."
Jackie closed her eyes as the images of Hyde continued to swirl through her mind. She could only imagine the pain he was going through and as she wrapped an arm around her waist she imagined wrapping it tightly around him. God she wished she could comfort him right now.
"He has Cassidy," she said flatly, trying to conceal the hate she had for his girlfriend.
"But he needs us. Cassidy's distraught, as you can imagine, but she has her family. We're Hyde's family and you need to get over whatever beef you have with him and get back here! This is important!" Donna wasn't crying anymore, there was no sadness in her voice, only anger and that anger was directed at Jackie.
"Donna she hates me, she wouldn't want me at her son's funeral, don't you get it? I don't want to make a scene, the right thing to do is for me to leave them be. I'm sorry that you're angry, but I'm actually doing this for them."
"God Jackie you can be such a selfish bitch sometimes, but this is low, even for you."
Jackie wasn't surprised when Donna slammed the phone down abruptly ending their conversation. She also wasn't surprised at the cruel words her supposed best friend had hurled at her. They all thought she was a self-absorbed bitch and usually she played her role well. But choosing not to go to Johnny's funeral wasn't about being a bitch, she was actually doing it for Cassidy and Steven. Her appearance would only add to their agony and she couldn't do it to them. That would be low, even for her.
She slowly placed the phone back on the receiver and walked to her dressing table. Her reflection in the mirror was no longer perfect. Staring back at her was a broken doll, black mascara lining the cracks that she had spent years trying to repair. Closing her eyes she let what was left of her shatter and the tears formed new cracks. Her heart was breaking all over again but this time it was breaking for Hyde. And breaking because she couldn't be there for him.
No matter how much she wanted to be.
A/N: All questions will be answered throughout the story. Next chapter up tomorrow.