(Real) AN: Ok, so I was feeling tired and uninspired with my own stories today, so I decided to vent with a deliciously badly-written short in the style of every SasuNaru trope I could think of. Let's face it. Pretty much all of us who have written a SasuNaru story are guilty of at least one of the charges below. I know I am. Gotta love a possessive Uchiha. :D
Welcome to
The Super Amazing SasuNaru Fanfic!
It was a sunshiny day. You could tell it was a sunshiny day by all the sunshine that shined.
Naruto skipped down the road with his basket. He was on his way to get some delicious ramen. He loved ramen. Ramen was his favourite food because it tasted like ramen, and he liked that.
His sunshiny blonde hair twinkled in the sunlight like sunshine and his blue eyes were a really light blue like the sea. They sparkled like stars.
Naruto smiled happily as he skipped. He couldn't wait to eat his ramen. Oh boy, oh boy. But then he heard a noise. Down an alleyway stood a man in a really cool-looking black coat with red clouds on it. He had long black hair and his eyes were super red like the blood you see in a pack of mince when it's been sitting out too long. Speaking of mince, Naruto was hungry.
"Psst. Kid." said the man, his red eyes swirling like whirlpools of mince blood. "You want some ramen?"
He held out a packet of the good stuff, chicken noodle.
Naruto grinned a huge grin and ran towards the man, throwing away his basket, his arms stretched wide. "I love ramen!"
He reached for the ramen, but the man pulled it away suddenly and tied him up, like, really fast.
"Aaah! What are you doing?" wailed Naruto loudly. "Who are you?"
"I'm Itachi." Growled Itachi immensely. "And I'm kidnapping you because I think you're a cutiepie. Then I'm going to do terrible, unmentionable things to you which you'll secretly love."
"Noooo. I don't want to be molesterededed." Sighed Naruto snottily. His blue eyes filled with big, fat tears, like raindrops filled with salt.
"Too bad." Roared Itachi fluffily. "I'm evil." He grinned a big, creepy grin to prove just how evil he was and picked Naruto up like a princess as if he was a very heavy feather.
"Hey let go of him!" shouted a voice grandly.
Naruto looked round with his big blue eyes to see Sasuke standing there. His arms were on his waist, legs apart, and Naruto was totally reminded of Superman, or some other cool superhero. Probably Batman because he was cooler and dark like Sasuke.
"Sasuke." He whimpered coolly. "Help me!"
Sasuke smirked, then frowned and smirked again, stretching out his emo hand. "Hn, I'll save you, my love!" He frowned and raised a brow.
"Wait. I didn't mean to say that. I don't love you."
He grabbed the silky, beautiful, ebony dark hair on the sides of his head and pulled out a few good clumps. "Aaah! I don't know how I feel! I'm in such emotional turmoil and confusion like a storm in my mind and my heart and stuff!"
Itachi had been waiting patiently during this speech, but after it was finished he grimaced smirkily. "Well, sorry to take away your maybe-or-maybe-not-one-true-love/crush/sex buddy, but I've got a plane to catch…or whatever I catch in this universe. Wait, are we in the real world, the manga world, or the anime world?"
Sasuke huffed huffily. "How the hell should I know, Mr. Poopface-who-killed-my-parents. I don't care about planes or flying because I'm going to stop you first!"
He rushed forward in a frenzied rush and attacked his long-lost evil brother with those metal star-shaped weapons you see in the cartoon. It scratched Itachi on the hand, and he dropped Naruto with a cry.
"Ow! That hurt, baby brother. I was just trying to create some dramatic tension to get you two together. No need to injure me so cruelly."
Itachi pouted and poked Sasuke in the head before running away crying like a little girl, except sexily.
Sasuke picked Naruto up princess-style and stared into his really really blue eyes (did I mention his eyes are blue?).
"Now you're safe."
"Thank you, darli-I mean, Sasu." Naruto's face turned as bright as the tomatoes that Sasuke loved so much.
Wow, had he almost called Sasuke 'darling', what was he thinking?
Sasuke grinned ferally like a wild animal that wasn't tame because no one could tame an Uchiha.
"Now that I have you tied up, I'm going to take you away to my apartment and ravish you!" He snarked, and took off running really fast like Edward from Twilight (OMG, Naruto is TOTALLY like Bella here. Isn't that cool how I totally made them like the same couple? This story has so many levels.)
Naruto started crying again like a baby, tears rolling down his face and chin and neck and chest, soaking his shirt and Sasuke, so that by the time they arrived you'd think it had been raining outside.
Sasuke didn't care. He threw Naruto on the bed and got on top of him, kissing him ravishingly as promised, and leaning over him super smexily like a predator. Naruto cried a lot, but also moaned because he kind of liked it, but wasn't sure if he liked Sasuke yet. Although, he was pretty sure he liked Sasuke leaning. Leaning was totally cool, and made him feel submissive.
Suddenly, Sasuke stopped and held his head in his hands, tearing out his hair again, leaving little bald patches, and letting small tears slip from his onyx black, jet, beetle-black eyes, but not too many tears because he's stoic and cool.
"Oh my gooosh, NaruNaru, I am so sorry." He snivelled convincingly. "It's just that I love you so much, but this isn't right, so I'm going to untie you and let you go because I love you that much."
He untied Naruto in a super-fast flash and suddenly Naruto sat up, almost cracking heads with Sasuke he sat up so fast.
"You really love me, Sassy-wassy?" wheedled Naruto grungily.
Sasuke sat down on the edge of the bed. "Yes, I think you're super dreamy, Naru-chan." He huffed windily.
"I think you're pretty prodigious too, Sasusnickerdoodle." Panted Naruto foggily.
Sasuke looked in surprise at Naruto's big blue bedroom eyes. They were like sapphire flowers of blue sea skies, and blue carpet.
Naruto stared back at Sasuke's murky onyx somber, jet-black orbs of lust.
He couldn't believe he was so lucky to land a guy like Sasuke that all the girls wanted.
"I love you, Sissypoodle." He snarfed.
Sasuke hugged him tightly and sniffed his sunshine blonde hair that matched the really golden sun shining outside. "I love you, too. Naru-chip-chop." He grundled.
Then they had super smexy times for five hours. (AN: For details visit my super-duper webpage at teh end of the story where I have the whole lemon.)***
The next day Naruto couldn't walk, so he hobbled along the road with his super sexy boyfriend helping him to stand.
He grinned at his boyfriend moodily. "You really did a number on me, Fluffybum."
Sasuke rolled his eyes randomly. "Sorry, sweet thing. You're just too smexy for me to resist."
Sakura and Kakashi waved at them as they arrived at the meeting place, an old bridge.
"Hi Sasuke!" screamed Sakura fangirlingly. Sasuke crumpled.
"And Naruto…" continued the pinkette in a gratingly loud voice, turning her green eyes that looked like dog vomit on Naruto's awesome face. "Why are you hobbling, you stupid moron?"
Naruto glared at her. He hated her now. "Because Sasuke and I had super smexy times, Ugly Forehead Face."
He smacked his hand to his mouth. Oops. Had he just admitted they'd had smexy times?
Kakashi grinned pervertedly and threw away his Icha Icha Paradise book. "Looks like I won't be needing this anymore. I'll just watch you two from now on."
"We're not going to let you be such a pervert, Kakashi." Crinkled Sasuke cunningly. "This is our private business, so you better go find your own boyfriend if you want to see smexy times."
"Ok." Nodded Kakashi lovingly. "I'll go find Iruka right now. I think he's training in the forest."
And he whisked away all cool, like he does in the anime.
Sasuke leaned over and kissed Naruto so passionately they couldn't breathe for ages. Naruto gasped as he pulled away, and almost cried because he hadn't been able to breathe, but he managed to stem most of his tears, only letting a few fall.
"I'm sorry, pudding." Consoled Sasuke fleetingly. "I'll buy you an ice cream to apologize."
He sauntered sexily away.
Naruto turned to look at the hated pink girl, but she was passed out, lying in a pool of her own nose blood.
Good. Hopefully she was dead.
The End
***There is no webpage.