Al's Ribs
Boring disclaimer alert: I do not own any of the characters or Married...with Children. They belong to Michael G. Moye, Ron Leavitt, & Fox. I'm trying my hand on writing on some TV sitcom fan fiction. This fic will be about Al Bundy & his family in the year 2015. So anyways, here's the fic. Marred...with Children was taped in front of a live studio audience.
It was a warm sunny day in the city of Chicago. There were tons of visitors visiting the Willis Tower aka the Sears Tower. They were also visiting the Michael Jordan statue in front of the United Center and taking photos of it. Metra trains were running on time for the most part and a shoe salesman named; Al Bundy was 'working' at Gary's Shoes & Accessories for Today's Woman in the New Market Mall.
It shows two guys & a girl. The first guy was wearing a light blue dress shirt, reddish-brown tie and blue-gray dress pants along with some black dress shoes. He had brown hair. He was sitting in the recently added break room with a laptop. He was laughing at something on it.
"Ha! Ha! Ha! That Ed is so damn stupid!" Al laughs as the rowdy audience laughs. "He's lame! Just like Peg! Ha! Ha! Ha!"
Then a tall black man wearing a white dress shirt, black tie, black dress pants, & black business shoes walks up to him.
"Hey there, Al." he greeted. "Are you watching those Ed, Edd n Eddy episodes on YouFlix again?"
"Yep. I sure am, Griff!" Al said. "These computers are great! And to think, I was threatened by them at one time. They're really quite the entertainment source now, especially TV sucks now! Damn Jersey Shore, Hell's Kitchen, American Idol, & Kanye West!"
The audience ooohs in suspense and laughs.
"Why Kanye West?" Griff asks.
"Because he married the queen slut of all of these shitty reality shows!" Al started. "I won't say her name, because we all know who she is!"
Griff then sits down as a young, beautiful brunette wearing a red business ladies dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up, black business ladies skirt, & black closed toed high heels walks up.
The audience woos & whistles loudly.
"I have helped the few customers we have, Mr. Bundy & Mr. Sylvester." the young lady said.
"Good job, Lindsey." Al said. "You may take the rest of the day off."
"Thank you, Mr. Bundy." Lindsey said. "May you both have a nice 4th of July weekend! By the way. I brought your lunches."
Then she sets the lunches right in front of the two.
"Thank you, Lindsey!" both shoe salesmen said in unison.
Lindsey nods and then leaves to go punch out for the week. The audience woos & applaudes for her. Griff then turns to Al.
"So, any plans for the fourth of July, Al?" he asks.
"Yep! I do have Fourth of July plans, Griff! I'm going to the annual Chicago barbeque rib eating contest!" Al started. "Someone must win back the Rib Eater Belt from the Japanese! That is America's Belt!"
The audience woos & applaudes from this.
"That sounds like a great plan, Al!" Griff said.
"Yes it is, Griff!" Al started. "I must win this contest for America!"
The audience applaudes loudly at this for the next two minutes.
"Hopefully, the stupid wife won't have any interference." Al added quickly.
The audience laughs.
"Anyways, it's time for my favorite movie now!" Al started as he clicks on the touch pad on his laptop. "Hondo!"
Then he watches his favorite movie while eating his lunch which was giant stuffed burritos as Griff eats his lunch which was a giant stuffed pepperoni & ham pizza.
"Yeah! Go Hondo!" Al shouted to his laptop.
On the 4th of July.
It shows Al in bed fast asleep. His wife; Peg had her knee pressed deep into his back and was fast asleep with a smug smile on her face. She was also moaning & mumbling in her sleep too.
"Mmmmm! Robert Downey Jr.!" she moans in a sexual tone. "I'm glad that you went crazy and shot & killed people that I didn't like. Like my husband for instance!"
The audience laughs & woos at this as Al wakes up without waking up his annoying, sex-crazed wife. He puts a sack of manure in the bed and puts her knee against the sack of shit.
"Al! Stop moving!" Peg nagged still asleep.
Al rolls his eyes & sighs in disgust as the audience laughs.
"Stupid bitch!" he said. "She can't even tell the difference from me and a sack of cow shit!"
Then he went to the bathroom to put on his clothes. He soon walks out wearing his usual clothing which was the same as his work clothes, except he wasn't wearing a tie.
"Well, I need to prepare for the rib eating contest now!" Al said to himself. "By starting watching the annual 4th of July Physco Dad marathon on TV!"
He walks out of the bedroom and went down to the living room. Al walks down the stairs to see his daughter; Kelly watching TV. She was wearing a skimpy red top with a skimpy black dress along with some black high heeled boots. She was watching Spongebob.
"Oh no, Spongebob!" Kelly exclaims. "That mean ol' Plankton is trying to steal the secret formula while Squidward is trying to sell your pineapple house again!"
The audience woos & laughs as Al sighs & rolls his eyes as he props down onto the couch. Kelly then turns to him.
"Good afternoon, daddy!" she said with a dumb blonde smile on her face as the audience laughs.
"It's morning, pumpkin." Al said.
"It's morning?" Kelly asks as she looks at a clock. "The clock says that it's 8:15, daddy. Which means its afternoon. God! And they say that I'm stupid."
The audience laughs as Al sighs and grabs the remote.
"Anyways, pumpkin. It's time for daddy to watch his 4th of July Physco Dad marathon now." he said as he turns the TV to the local Fox channel. "You can watch that lame ass Spongebob later."
"But daddy. I love Spongebob." Kelly whined. "I always know what happens when the show comes on. Spongebob always come ontop of girls."
The audience laughs at her stupidity.
"Or along the lines of that." Kelly said.
"Just go, pumpkin!" Al shouted. "Go chase some butterflies or something."
Kelly then stands up from the couch and then runs outside to do what Al had ordered. Al then sits back on the couch and puts his right hand down into his pants.
"Why does Kelly still live here?" he asks to himself. "Why couldn't she be more like Bud and move out and never come back? Oh, well. Well, anyways. It's time to watch my Physco Dad without any further interruptions!"
Then walks in his annoying next door neighbor Marcy D'Arcy. She had an annoyed look on her face. The audience woos & applaudes for her.
"Al Bundy! You did it again!" she shouted.
"What did I do to you now?" Al asks. "Did I run over one of your chicken cousins crossing the road last night?"
The audience laughs & woos at this.
"No, you fucking stupid Gilligan's Island castaway." Marcy started as the audience laughs. "Your stupid daughter & your stupid dog had been in digging, shitting, & drinking in my yard again!"
"So what?" Al asks. "It's not my problem."
"Yes it is your problem, Al Bundy!" Marcy nagged. "They are your responsibility and as a man. You should man up!"
Al then stands up and went over to her.
"Well, Marcy. Maybe you should man up." Al started. "You are better doing it!"
The audience laughs.
"Now, Marcy. If you don't get out of my house within three seconds." he started. "I'm going to shove a ton of lit fireworks up your tight chicken ass and make myself a 4th of July Chicken Kung Pow!"
Marcy then puts her hands along her sides, looking just like a chicken. She smiles evilly.
"HI-YA!" she shouted.
Then she karate kicks Al into his privates hard as the audience laughs.
"OWW! MY FELLAS!" Al cries as he falls down to the floor & holds his privates in pain. "FUCK YOU, MARCY!"
"Of course." Marcy said. "At least, you won't be procreating for awhile! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!"
Then Marcy turns & walks out of the house as Al grunts & groans in pain.
Later.
Al was at the annual Chicago 4th of July barbeque rib eating contest down at Navy Pier. He sat down at a table with some other contestants. There was a Japanese man & woman along with the other contestants as well as Officer Dan. Al then turns to him.
"Officer Dan? Is that you?" Al asks. "It's been awhile since I've seen you. How are things?"
"Things are basically the same, Al." Officer Dan started. "Except I maded it to sergeant now."
"Well, that's good." Al said. "You're getting paided extra and you get to sit on your ass some more."
The audience laughs at this as Officer Dan nods & smiles.
"Yep! That's right, Al!" he started. "I get to sit on my ass and read my Playboys & Big 'Uns all day and get paided a whole of a hell lot too!"
Then the announcer walks up to the podium.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, Welcome to Chicago's annual barbeque rib eating contest!" he said.
The crowd & audience applaudes for him. The announcer looks at the contestants thoroughly and turns his attention back to the crowd & audience.
"Looks like, we have a nice turnout here today!" he said. "A very nice turnout indeed.."
"Eh, get on with it!" the contestants shouted angrily at the stupid & annoying announcer as the audience laughs.
"Alright. Alright." the announcer started. "Anyways. These contestants are here to see how much ribs they can eat! Whoever eats the most ribs, wins the Rib Eater Belt!"
Then a sexy blonde girl wearing a red, white, & blue bikini top and bottom and black high heel stilettos walks up carrying a huge barbeque sauce colored belt. The crowd & the audience woos at her.
"And the cash prize for $500,000,000,000 dollars!" the announcer added with a smile on his face.
Then a sexy Mexican girl wearing the exact same thing as the other girl walks up carrying a huge check. The crowd & the audience woos at her. All of the male contestants started drooling at both of the sexy girls. The audience laughs at this.
"And the cash prize is tax free!" the announcer added.
"YEAH!" all of the participants cheers loudly.
"Alright. Ready?" the announcer asks.
The participants get themselves ready.
"Set?" the announcer said.
The contestants started to lick their lips from looking at the delicious & saucy ribs. Al's stomach rumbles loudly.
"GO!" the announcer shouted as the buzzer goes off.
Then all of the contestants started eating the ribs. The crowd applaudes for the contestants. The Japanese man was eating his ribs two at a time and dipping them into the cup of water he had. Officer Dan was eating his ribs quickly and fast too. Al was eating four ribs at a time. The crowd was oohing at his performance.
"Looks like, contestant #33 is ahead!" the announcer said.
The crowd applaudes for Al as the audience woos & applaudes for him.
"Contestant #15 is catching up!" the announcer said as the Japanese man was catching up to Al on ribs. "With contestant #50 following him and contestant #3 is not too far behind and contestant #69 catching up!"
The crowd continues to applaudes as the contestants eat up the ribs.
After seven minutes passed. Several other contestants started to get full and throw in the towel. Some of them started to pass out.
"Ha! I can already taste that belt & all that cash!" Al said to himself as he eats some more ribs.
"Looks like, some contestants are dropping out!" the announcer said. "Looks like, contestant #69 is catching up!"
"Who's contestant #69?" Al wondered as he turns to see the contestant with the sexual number.
And to his horror. He sees Peg eating a lot of the ribs.
"Peg?" Al asks as he eats four ribs at once. "What the hell are you doing here!?"
"I'm here for the contest, Al!" Peg said as she eats six ribs at once. "Marcy told me about how you were entering the contest to eat all of these ribs. Win that stupid belt back from the Japanese and win all that cash. So needing the money for shopping. I decided to sign myself in for this contest!"
Al rolls his eyes as he continues eating his ribs. The crowd cheers & applaudes as several more contestants started to drop out of the contest. Pretty soon it was just Al, Peg, Officer Dan, & the Japanese guy. The crowd was cheering louder & louder. The Japanese guy drops his rib and holds his big, full stomach.
"Oooooh!" he groans in pain.
"Looks like Charles Torkamoto the world rib eating champion gives up!" the announcer said. "There are only three contestants left!"
Officer Dan puts down a clean rib bone and throws a napkin onto the table.
"Oh damn! I am so full!" Officer Dan said as he burps loudly. "BLLLLLLAAAAAAATTTTT!"
The audience laughs at this.
"Looks like one of Chicago's finest is finished!" the announcer said. "There are only two contestants lefted! Contestant #33 & Contestant #69! Who will win the Rib Eater Belt & the $500,000,000,000 cash prize?"
Both Al & Peg were eating the ribs at the same quick pace now. The crowd was cheering & applauding loudly at the couple. Al & Peg were neck to neck. The annoying announcer was sitting at the edge of his seat.
"Wow! It's neck to neck!" he shouted through the microphone. "THIS IS SO EXCITING! WHOSE GOING TO WIN IT ALL!? CONTESTANT #33 OR..."
Then one of the spectators threw a cinderblock at the annoying & stupid announcer. The audience woos, laughs & applaudes at this as well as the crowd. Al & Peg continue eating up the ribs until the buzzer goes off. The assistant of the annoying announcer walks up.
"And that's time!" the assistant announcer said. "It's tied!"
The crowd gasps loudly.
"And in the event of a tie. Both contestants would have to eat a whole slab of ribs to determine the winner!" the assistant announcer said. "And whichever contestant doesn't finish the whole slab within five minutes is declared the loser!"
Then the two sexy models from earlier put the two plates of whole slab of ribs right in front of Al & Peg. The crowd applaudes at them. The couple drooled at the rib slabs.
"Alright. Ready. Set. GO!" the assistant announcer shouted as the alarm goes off.
Then Al & Peg started eating the whole slabs of ribs. The crowd cheers loudly & applaudes at this. Al was struggling a bit to eat his slab as Peg was downing her slab of ribs with ease. The assistant announcer was seeing this.
"Looks like, contestant #33 is struggling a bit on his whole slab!" the assistant announcer said. "While contestant #69 is downing hers!"
The crowd cheers loudly for Peg. Al continues on eating the ribs slab. Peg turns to him with a smug smile on her face. Al scowls at her angrily and he thinks to himself as he continues eating his slab.
"You know, what you must do, cowboy." he thought to himself.
Then Al undoes his belt as the audience woos & applaudes. He then starts downing more & more of his slab.
"Looks like contestant #33 had just found his burst of speed!" the assistant announcer announced. "He's catching up to contestant #69!"
Peg started to eat more of her slab until she was neck to neck with Al. The crowd was cheering loudly and the audience applauding. The finals minutes were ticking down now. Al & Peg was stuffed their faces with the ribs. The assistant announcer was counting down the final seconds.
"5...4...3...2...1...and stop!" the assistant announcer said as the alarm goes off.
Al & Peg stop eating their slabs and try to finish what was in their mouths. Al swallows before Peg does. The assistant announcer runs over to him and raises his arm up in the air as the crowd applaudes.
"The winner of the annual Chicago 4th of July barbeque rib eating contest." the assistant announcer started with a wide smile on his face. "Contestant #33; Al Bundy!"
The crowd cheers & applaudes as did as the audience as the two sexy girls give Al the huge barbeque sauce colored belt and the check for $500,000,000,000 dollars. Al holds the barbeque sauce colored belt right in the air as Peg looks on at shock. Al then turns to her with a smug smile on his face.
"What do you think about that, Peg?" he asks. "I am the winner!"
"So what?" Peg asks in a smart alreck tone. "You're still the loser in bed."
Luckily for her, Al didn't hear her as he and everyone else started to leave the area now. Then a fat woman walks up to her. Peg looks at her.
"Yes?" she asks.
"Are you married to that man, who won the barbeque rib eating contest?" the fat woman asks.
"Yes. I am." Peg replies.
"Wow! You're really lucky!" the fat woman started. "Because, if he was my husband. I would feed him ten dinners every night!"
"Ah, shut up!" Peg sniffs angrily. "Isn't there a food buffet restaurant waiting with your name on it?"
The fat woman gasped loudly as the audience laughs.
"Well, I never!" she exclaims shocked.
"Of course, you haven't." Peg said. "That's why you're so damn fat!"
The audience laughs as the fat woman walks away from Peg insulted.
Sometime later back at home.
Al was in his backyard getting ready to set off the fireworks. Kelly was sitting out there waiting for the festivities to begin. She looks around and then turns to Al with a concern look on her face.
"Hey, daddy. Where's mom at?" she asks. "She's going to miss out on the annual fire of Ms. D'Arcy's house."
Al then turns to her.
"Well, mommy had entered the very same eating contest as daddy." he started. "She had came in second place. Her prize isn't so very lovely, pumpkin."
"Really?" Kelly asks. "What was her prize?"
Then Al turns to the camera and smirks. The audience laughs.
It shows Peg standing in one of Chicago's rail yards holding a bar of soap. A brush and a washcloth. Several bums were sitting in a tub. One of the drunken bums turns to her and hiccups.
"Hey there, pretty lady." he started. "Make sure that you're easy on me."
Then he shows her his leg and there was a giant blister.
"Make sure, you watch out ol' twitchy." he started as the audience laughs. "It's quite sensitive!"
"This sucks!" Peg bitches as the audience laughs at her torment and pain.
Then she started scrubbing the bums in the tub. The audience laughs at her.
"Let's just say, that she's washing some people that are in need." Al said as the audience laughs. "Ready for the fireworks show now, pumpkin?"
"I sure am, daddy!" Kelly said with a stupid blonde smile on her face.
"Great!" Al said as he took out a lit match. "Let's rock!"
Then he lights up the fireworks and the fireworks went off towards the direction of the Marcy's house and exploded. The audience ooohs and awws as Al lights up some more fireworks towards Marcy's house. The house explodes into flames. Marcy runs out of the house screaming her head off as she was also on fire.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" she hollers in pain as the audience laughs.
She runs into the street and started rolling around on the ground to put the flames out. Before the flames can go out. Marcy is ran over by an eighteen wheeler, killing her. The audience laughs as Al & Kelly laughs at Marcy's pain.
"Ha! Ha! Ha! That was very cool, daddy!" Kelly said as she laughs. "You really outdid yourself for this fourth of July! Ha! Ha! Ha!"
"Thank you, pumpkin!" Al said as he turns to the camera. "I hope, you all have a great Fourth of July! Don't get yourselves blown up to bits and may Steve Harvey's annoying shows get cancelled!"
Then he launches off some more fireworks into Marcy's house. The audience applaudes as the credits appears over Al and the fireworks.
Author's note: Like Al said. Have a happy Fourth of July and I hope you enjoyed my first non cartoon fic!
The End