My first attempt in writing in first person narrative. But I realized that I still have a long way to go so I would revert to my old writing style for the succeeding chapters. I hope you'd still like this one.
I haven't seen you since yesterday. Well, except for that video call amid the chaotic, tense situation we're all in, that is. I miss you and I was so worried about you when I realized how intense the situation was at the precinct. I can't wait to see you today because honestly, I got scared. I was so scared yesterday that something might happen to you especially when I saw on the news that the mob protesting outside the precinct had forced their way inside. I couldn't even began to describe the fear I felt as I imagined what could happen while you're inside the precinct and the mob, driven by their anger, might do horrible things to every single cop they'd laid eyes on. Seeing you today will bring me peace because I will be assured that you're fine. I want to make sure that you don't have cuts, or bruises, and you're not missing a limb.
I stare at my closet and study all my clothes. I'm looking for an ensemble that I would look best into, even though you probably won't notice. But I'm still dressing up a little because who knows? Maybe when I enter your office later, you'd notice how this particular shade of blue brings out the color of my eyes. Or maybe when I whip my head to look at you as we discuss the cause of death of our would-be victim later, you'd notice how my hair would fall back to frame my face perfectly, each time. Thinking of these things makes me smile already. But I better stop daydreaming and start preparing for work since being scolded by you for being late is not the kind of attention that I prefer to receive from you.
"I didn't realize there would be a meeting today. I didn't get the memo." I said as I enter your office when I saw the team already inside.
"There's no meeting, Jo. I just have something to say. Something that I want to share to all of you being this team has been my family ever since." You said, as you try to contain your excitement.
"Oh, what is it?" I said, can't help but grin too, at the controlled giddiness that you're displaying. You looked like a small boy about to boast about your new toy.
"Well, yesterday was a tough one. And as I sat there, talking with Tim's girlfriend, she had said something that left an impression on me. She'd told me that Tim used to sign off his letters to her with 'Today is life. The only life you're sure of. Make the most of today'. And I realized that Tim was right. We all don't know if there'd be a tomorrow waiting for us. We don't know if today would be the last day that we'll see each other, hear each other's voice..." You said shrugging, and somehow I feel like something big is about to happen.
You looked at us as a grin started spreading on your lips, your eyes dancing. I couldn't help but smile, too as if it's the most natural thing to do.
"The reason why I was not able to join you last night was because after what Tori Bell said, I realized that I don't want to wait any more before I do what I did." You paused and took a deep breath but your smile never left your face.
"I proposed to Christine last night. And… well, she said yes."
You beamed at us as you say those words and I stood paralyzed, unable to move any part of my body. I heard Adam's woot, Don clapped his hands, Danny shouted 'yeah', Lindsay yelped, Sheldon congratulated you. But I, I was not able to do anything. The smile I have on felt like it was plastered to my face. I tried to say something but my jaws felt like they're locked. Every single part of my body's not moving, except for one. My heart. I felt it cracked, chipped, before it smashed into a million tiny pieces in my chest. And each piece with sharp edges cut into me, making it painful for me to even breathe.
You approached me with that boyish smile of yours and said something but I didn't hear it. I could only hear my heart as it pounded in my ears, the pounding making me feel like my heart's being pulverized with a pestle.
"What?" I had finally forced out of my mouth.
"I said, are you that happy for me?" You repeated, nodding your head at something on my face.
"What you mean?" I asked, feeling lost.
You playfully rolled your eyes at me as your hand went near my face and touched it. It was only then that I realized that you were brushing on a stray tear that I was not even aware had escaped from my eye.
"Tears of joy?" You asked, just as your fingers left my face.
I forced out a wide grin and nodded my head at you because I didn't trust myself to speak.
You chuckled lightly before pulling me into your arms and held me tight. I embraced you too but it's not as tight. I feel limp, like a lifeless soul. No, like a lifeless body without a soul, would be a more appropriate way of saying it.
I worked through my shift, barely talking to anybody, but I kept the plastered smile on my face and hope that nobody would take notice that it's fake. I was already about to leave the lab when I passed by your office, Don and Danny laughing at something you'd said. I pretended to not notice and walked a little bit faster but you were quicker than my legs. You called out my name and for a while I felt like I was a fugitive caught by my jailer. I heaved a deep breath before I put on another wide smile and entered your office. Maybe someday, if I don't want to be a CSI anymore, I could audition for a part in theater. It seemed like I could be a good actress.
"We're going to celebrate Mac's engagement tonight so don't leave yet. We're just waiting for Lindsay who's talking with the babysitter." Danny said, motioning to the opposite direction where Lindsay was.
My mind frantically thought of any excuse that I could use to avoid joining you on your celebration but it couldn't come up with anything at all. It's as blank as a white sheet of paper. I stood there, at the middle of your office, still trying to force my mind to churn out any excuse at all, no matter how lame, when Lindsay stormed in, a scowl on her face.
"Babe, I can't find anybody to look after Lucy. Everybody's busy with homework and exams."
"Nobody at all? Not even one?" Danny asked, pushing up his eyeglasses.
"None." Lindsay shook her head sadly at her husband.
"I'm sorry Mac, looks like we won't be able to join you tonight." Danny said, looking dejectedly at you.
How I wish that I also have a toddler in my house so that I could use that excuse every time I needed it, like now.
"We can just go out some other time. Tomorrow maybe, or whenever we could." You said, leaning back on your chair.
Thank God!
I let go of the breath that I was not even aware I was holding until then. Now I won't have to sit in a restaurant and smile artificially all night through as I listen to conversations about you and Christine and feel my heart break over and over again. I hope you won't think that I'm not happy for you. I am. I really am. But being happy for you does not mean that it could cover up the pain that had engulfed me when you broke the news to us this morning.
I was almost at the door, about to leave your office when I heard you calling my name. I sighed slightly so that you won't notice as I feel the irritation bubbling up inside me. I just want to go home, to go far away from you, can't you see that? I turned around to face you but didn't take another step further into your office. You stared at me with that frown of yours, scrutinizing my expression.
"Are you okay?" You asked, concern on your face.
"Yeah. I'm just tired." I said, hoping that you'd take the cue and let me go already. Suddenly I remembered what I was wearing and how I thought it brought out the color of my eyes. For a while I got worried that you might see through my eyes and my feelings. I averted my gaze and looked at your collar instead.
"Oh. I was just wondering if you'd like to grab a burger and light beer with me. I miss that greasy burger we used to have at the diner down the block." You said, trying to entice me with food. Of course you did not see through me, why would you, right? You're in cloud nine right now being engaged to the woman you love who's not me.
"I'm sorry, Mac. But I'm really exhausted." I said, surprised that I have the ability to say no to food and most especially to you.
"Oh" I heard your disappointed tone say, your eyes shifting from my face to the floor. I felt bad for rejecting your offer and for disappointing you. I know you might just want to celebrate even a little but I don't want to sit there and fool you all night through. I don't think I could keep you company and pretend that everything's okay with me because the truth is my heart's already shattered and I just want to go home and try picking up the pieces. But I won't attempt to piece them all back because I know that it will take some time, no, actually scratch that. It will take a long time before I would be able to piece it together. So I swallowed hard and forced myself to stand by my decision.
"Okay, I'll see you tomorrow then. Good night Jo." You said, offering me a small smile.
I tried to smile back at you but I felt like it came out as a smirk. I bid you good night before I waited for the elevator to send me down to my car where I could take down my mask and be myself. And what a relief when I finally heaved myself to the seat! I let out a small sarcastic laugh at the ridiculousness of my situation. Here I am, a first grade detective, assistant supervisor of the New York crime lab, but seeking comfort from a big metallic contraption. How much more pathetic could I be?
'Mom, I can't reach your mobile. Are you home? Well I just want to tell you that I'm going to stay at Linda's. We're not yet done with our science project and tomorrow's Saturday anyway so I'll just sleep here tonight and I'll call you again tomorrow morning. Love you, Mom.'
So I'm going to be alone tonight. I had thought that at least I could hug Ellie tonight and make myself feel better. But look at what I found when I got home. Extricating my phone from my bag before I dropped it on the couch, I checked my phone's battery and saw that it was already drained. I'm hungry but I don't want to eat. I feel like I'm about to get sick. I fetched myself a glass of water and proceeded to my room. After connecting my phone to the charger, I changed into my pajamas and forced myself to drink half of the water. I turned off the lights, every single one of them, before I crawled under the covers. I buried myself deep down the covers and hugged my pillow tight as I force myself to sleep the pain away.
It was a three stone engagement ring on a silver band. A long-stemmed red rose. A really nice and a little expensive restaurant. A violin or piano maybe. You went down in one knee and asked her to marry you. That's how I pictured your proposal to her might have had happened. She's very lucky, I hope she knew that. I've been trying to get some sleep but every time I close my eyes, I see the ring. Or the rose. Or any other part of the proposal scene that I had created in my mind. I had shifted on my bed a lot of times already and I'd turned my pillows this way and that, trying to find a new spot that haven't been soaked in tears and mascara yet.
It's almost dawn and I don't feel like coming to work today, not when my eyes are all puffy, a telltale sign of having been cried the whole night through. And I don't want to face you yet, I'm not even ready to join you in your celebration should you pursue it after our shift. My eyelids are heavy, I want to take a nap now then call the lab early in the morning and ask them to inform you that I'm not coming in today. I'll just try to come up with an… ex-… cuse…
I shot up from bed, my heart beating fast. I looked around my room but it was dark. I turned my gaze to the glowing digital clock on my bedside table and quickly jumped out of my bed. It was already10:30 and I'm already too late for work. I wondered why my phone's alarm did not sound off and that's when I remembered that I was not supposed to come in today. I sat back down on my bed as I felt weirdness around my eyes. I raised my hand and touched my eyes and understood the reason behind the weirdness. Then I remembered everything from yesterday. I sighed as I disconnected my phone from the charger and turned it on while walking toward the answering machine in the living room to check if Ellie had called yet. After a small beep, Ellie's voice filled the silent apartment. She said she would be home late this afternoon so I guess I'll be alone most of today, again. I walked to the kitchen to find myself anything to eat when it was your turn to fill my abode with your voice.
'Jo, where are you? Are you okay? I can't reach your mobile. Call me as soon as you can.' Your voice sounded urgent and before I could do anything, my mobile phone started announcing texts, a long string of them, as they started coming in.
'Jo, are you there? What's going on? Where are you?' It was you again on my answering machine. I read some of the texts that had just came in, there were about ten of them and all of them were from you asking where I am and if I'm alright.
I saw the icon for voicemail blinking and I was about to start listening to them when I heard your voice again from the answering machine.
'Jo, I'm coming over.'
I quickly dialed your number on my mobile, thinking of what to tell you while I wait to be connected. After the first ring, I heard your agitated voice and a horn sounding not too far from you.
"Jo, where are you? What happened? I'm on my way to your place now. Are you okay?"
"Mac, I'm okay. You don't have to come by. I'm sorry I planned to call you this morning to say that I hmm… not feeling well so I'm staying home today but I overslept. And my phone's battery's drained and I forgot to turn it on when I plugged it in. I'm really sorry." I said quickly in an attempt to stop you from coming to my house.
"God, Jo, I was worried about you. What's wrong, anyway?" You asked, and I can detect relief in your tone.
"I… hmm… have a splitting headache but nothing serious. Just that my head feels like it was about to burst open." I said, hoping that you'd buy my lame excuse.
"I'll take you to the hospital then. I'm already out the lab anyway, we'll just have you checked out make sure that…"
"No need, Mac. Thanks. I think it's just lack of sleep. Fatigue. I'll just sleep some more and come back tomorrow fresh and well-rested." I rudely cut you off but I had to do it. You can't see me like this.
"Are you sure?" You sounded doubtful and I have to convince you that I'm going to be okay.
"Yes. I'm sure. Thanks Mac." I said in the most upbeat tone I could summon, forcing myself to turn on that Southern charm I hope you could still fall victim for.
"Jo, is this about the shooting the other day?" You asked, and I thought it would be better if that was the reason why I was being like this. But of course, things for me would never be that easy.
"No, Mac, it's not. I'm just not feeling well. I'll just take the day off and rest and I'll be good as new by tomorrow." I assured you.
"How about I'll just send you some food? Chicken soup okay?"
Darn that stubbornness of yours, Mac. Under any other circumstances, I would be thrilled of what you're doing. I know you're concerned but I just want to be alone right now. Can't you take a hint that I'm avoiding you?
"No, Mac. Thank you, really, but I'm okay. I have plenty of food here. I really just want to take a long rest." I told you, feigning out a yawn hoping that you'd take the clue and end the call.
"I knew there was something wrong. You don't look okay to me yesterday. You're certain that you're going to be fine?" You asked, and I'm relieved that I could detect a hint of acceptance in your tone.
"Yes. I'm sure, Mac."
"Okay, just call if you need anything, you understand?"
"Thanks Mac." I said, thankful that I'd manage to stop you from coming over.
"Next time remember to turn on your phone, okay?" You said quite amusedly but also a little exasperatedly.
"Duly noted, sir." I said before attempting to chuckle.
As I stepped off the elevator, I ducked my head a little as if I could go to my office without anybody noticing me. True enough, I got to my desk without hearing anybody call my name. I had just turned on my computer when I heard your voice. With my back to the door, I shut my eyes briefly before plastering a wide smile on my face as I swiveled my chair to face you.
"Are you better now?" You asked, standing in my doorway, clutching two rather-thick folders in your hand.
"Yup. I just needed some rest." I replied, forcing myself to grin wider. I don't really care if I look like a fool. I just want you off my back.
"Good to know." You smiled a little, slightly nodded at me before you went back to your office.
I went through the day as if in a daze. I was working on auto-pilot, barely able to register what was happening around me unless it was a part of the case I was working on. I found myself looking at the time every hour or so, could not wait to get out of here and go back to the safety of my home, as if the lab which used to provide me warmth and comfort as if it was a second home to me was now burning my skin, roasting me alive. The lab got too warm for comfort and your presence did not offer any calm to me either.
"Jo!" I heard your voice again as I was waiting for the elevator and like this morning, I plastered a huge smile on my face again before I turned to look at you. It's time to go home, and I had thought that I could leave the lab without having to face you again. Clearly, I was wrong.
"We'll be having dinner at Christine's restaurant tomorrow as a celebration to our engagement. It should be tonight but the restaurant's all booked. I already told the rest. Don't forget, okay?" You said, your eyes twinkling and I could feel myself really smile at you, replacing the phony grin I'd put on earlier.
I said okay and you walked back to your office when the elevator opened its doors for me. It was only when I was already safely tucked inside the cold metal when my smile disappeared and was replaced by a frown instead. I felt like I'd just jeopardized myself when I agreed to go to that dinner tomorrow. It would be like torturing myself but I could not keep on giving you excuses because you surely would catch up on me.
As I lock myself inside my car, I reached for the stereo and turned it on hoping that the noise would drown out my thoughts. I hope Ellie's home and in a good mood. I want to hug her and maybe ask her to sleep with me tonight.
I feel so alone.
How's the first chapter? Okay? Crappy? Delusional? Enjoyed it? :D Please let me know through that box below. Thank you very much for reading. I hope it wasn't too bad to scare you away. :D Oh, and thank you to Quille and csinyfan28 :D