The agonising pain in his back didn't cease and he cursed its tenacity. After the incident with Fuhrer Bradley at his mansion and the accident, he'd been bed-bound with his injury. Suffice to say, it didn't do anything for his posture. He complained about this to Hawkeye once - so long ago that it seemed non-existent to him now - and her honey eyes pierced him coldly, and she scalded him for not having his priorities right. Even now, three months later, she wouldn't accept his requests to stop blaming herself for this rotten mess.
What a mess indeed, if she knew what he was on his way to do now.
On leaving the office of his new higher-up, he found it increasingly hard to keep it together, on the whole due to the back pain. Even then, there was that lingering, longing feeling deep in his stomach that told him he was betraying everything and everyone who knew him, but things like that don't matter when you believe you're not good enough. Not good enough for his subordinates, and he has never been good enough for Riza.
His leaving was selfish, but it didn't stop him running and hiding like before, only this time he was doing something permanent about it. In a way he liked the idea. Nobody could save him, he didn't want to be saved and now he only wished that he had left already because he'd rather burn to a crisp that have to bump into her, or anyone, today. Permission from the higher-ups had been granted, and he would begin his new post in the North as soon as he left Headquarters. Rather like him, he hadn't told a soul and preferred to keep it that way.
There was nothing left there for him but a woman he loved, and whom he didn't deserve. This, more than anything, the thought that he wasn't good enough for her, kept him from staying. He hoped that Hawkeye wouldn't find that he had left until much later, then she would hate him for doing such a thing - because let's face it, who wouldn't? - and she'd forget all about him, give her heart to someone who deserves her love so completely that she will never be unhappy again. Somewhere deep he knew he was simply lying outright to himself. Maybe that dismal feeling in his stomach was actually his heart longing for her. Maybe, although it wasn't easy to tell.
He could feel a headache coming on, an unpleasant one he's grown somewhat accustomed to. The doctor had told him why he had headaches, it was because of the injury to the eye, but Mustang didn't listen to the man unless there was medication attached to it. After all, what's the point of knowing what is wrong with you if nothing can be done to help it?
Funny, if he knew exactly why he was running away then he would stop and get himself through this, but he didn't fully know and he didn't want to, people don't like being told the truth.
He came up to the corner to his left, rounding it into the corridor that would lead him to the exit and from this damned place. A disadvantage that he wasn't so accustomed to was that his left eye was no longer in use, and so he bumped into someone.
"Sir! I'm sorry I wasn't watching where I was going,"
Oh no... Please, no. Don't look at her.
He stood back, stunned, and regained the awareness of his surroundings, as bleak as they were. Hawkeye shouldn't be here, he couldn't let her see him, not now, not for a long while yet and he turned to face her reluctantly. He hoped she wouldn't notice that.
"Are you okay?" she asked, and her expression turned to that of confusion (one seen not at all often), then calculation. God, he memorised all of her expressions and he was in too deep. "I wasn't aware of your return to work, General," she looked calm but her eyes said everything. Ever since that day, the woman before him had that same look in her eyes of pure determination and devotion that any time he looked at her, he felt hopeless and he thought he might crumble. There was no way that he could return the same look if he felt unworthy of her. If only he knew how to make that better, it would be the first thing on the list. This really wasn't the time.
"If I had known you were coming back I would have put this paperwork off until later," she said breaking the uncomfortable silence that lingered, a stack placed comfortably in her arms. His eyes averted her, and finally he spoke.
"I-I'm sorry I hadn't... told you, Hawkeye," she cut him off.
"Don't worry about that, I know you've had other... things on your mind," her voice quietened at the end, she didn't want to bring attention to that and cursed herself for doing so. She knew all too well that the night at the mansion haunted him, on the same level as Ishbal.
"Yes... w-well," he couldn't think and he didn't have a clue what to say to her. It wasn't in his plan to tell anyone about him leaving for the North, and be damned if he was going to start now.
They stood there looking at each other. Her honey eyes didn't quite meet his or shine like they did when she cared for him, always at his bedside... A distant memory, all too easily forgotten. If at that time he knew he was going to leave for another post, he might have held onto those memories a little tighter.
It was yet another of his regrets.
"General, are you sure that you're alright?" she was genuinely concerned and this time she let him know it, in any case looking after him was a task she put her heart into, and she couldn't take it back. Her heart belonged to him. It had been his for a long while now and with circumstances as they were, he wasn't allowed to know it.
"I'm fine," he was almost in a daze while his eye traced her jaw, where he imagined placing a kiss to say goodbye. That would be torturing her, giving her a small piece of affection and snatching it away again. No, it just wasn't right. "My back is painful and I was just on my way home."
"I see. I hope you have a save journey home sir, I would drive you but I have to complete this by fifteen-hundred, I'm sure you understand." A faint smile graced those lips, and it faded as soon as it appeared.
"Yes, I understand, thank you." This was too easy, and lying to this woman of all people shouldn't be. She saluted, and he almost physically flinched at the action. He was betraying her and the salute was too much for him to handle, he looked to the dark floor.
"Well, I'll see you soon, sir." Her hand fell from the salute and he didn't even bother to return it, he felt numb.
"Yes," he stalled, "I'll be seeing you, Riza." Her eyes narrowed ever so slightly, he hardly ever called his First Lieutenant that. Nevertheless, she ignored it with the paperwork in the front of her mind and began turning on her heel, saying goodbye once more. Roy didn't move as he watched her head back to the office. Hawkeye hadn't noticed him still standing there and the echo of her footfalls was enough to trick her mind into believing he was walking too.
Reluctantly, he turned around and headed for the exit, wondering what she'd make of his departure from her life. He didn't know and when he came back, if even at all, he wouldn't hear it, and Roy could probably guess what she'd say about all of this anyway. Meeting her in the hall that day only made him think about it more than he had before. He was afraid and cold and a selfish liar, but it didn't stop him running.
Kay: Thanks for reading. Review/favourite, whatever, I don't mind. =D