Saying those three words can kill, Ashley knows this. Ashley doesn't speak about her feelings for the blonde. Not even on the night they finally kiss. She's afraid that once she lets out those words, everything else will fall out too. And she'll never stop. So she tells Spencer with kisses. She tells her with soft touches, and strokes of her fingers.
Her heart aches when Spencer confesses that she loves her. They're wrapped together in a bodily embrace. The blonde looks up at Ashley above her, clothes askew, hair mussed up, and their breath comes out quickly on each other's lips. Her chest tightens and she feels like she can't breathe properly, let alone say the words the girl wants to hear. She just smiles and leans in to kiss Spencer. Slowly, intensely, lips pressing against each other so tightly that their mouths feels like they're going to burst open. Desperately trying to tell Spencer what she can't say.
Ashley can see Spencer's smile falter with every kiss presented in the place of words. Spencer is becoming self-conscious, wondering if she should have ever said the words. Doubt is creeping in, and Ashley wants to tell her, to reassure her. But she's afraid if she tells Spencer she loves her, that she'll just be saying it for the girl's sake. That words will become the shaky foundation. And she can see it all falling apart from there…
Spencer's unshed tears, frustration at whatever fight they will be having that week. And Ashley will be there, cupping her face, telling her that she loves her. Just to calm the blonde down. Grasping at words to fix the problem. Reaching for phrases that make Spencer smile for that moment. Words that will embrace her and give her a temporary safety.
And when they break, Spencer will look at those words as if they were a lie. She'll question every conversation, every intimate moment where Ashley whispered them. Choking on the words, because they won't be so easy to swallow anymore. And Ashley will wish she hadn't said them, that Spencer wasn't so bitter to their meaning. She'll wish she hadn't said them so soon.
They'll both slowly die on the inside, waiting, just waiting until their hearts decide to be reborn and start new. A small piece missing in the place where the other held on tightly, where there was an imprint of those words.
But she grips on tightly to Spencer, kissing her, holding her. Hoping that Spencer will be patient enough to wait. Patient enough for Ashley. Because Ashley does love Spencer. She loves her enough to not say those words yet, to not put emotional investment into letters and sounds. Ashley loves Spencer enough to show her.
Saying 'I love you' can kill, Ashley knows this. And she just doesn't want to die yet.