A quick disclaimer: I do not own the rights to any of the characters, catchphrases, plot points, themes, or any other aspects of Phineas and Ferb.

Perry's Venomous Secret

Perry's Log, Entry 522, August 13:

Most people know that platypuses are mammals that have bills and beaver-like tails. A slightly smaller group of people also know that platypuses are semi-aquatic, indigenous to Australia, and are the only mammals that lay eggs. But very few people know that platypuses have sharp spurs on their hind feet, and that for platypus males these spurs are filled with a highly venomous secretion.

Right now you probably think I'm pulling your leg. I'm not; just go look up "male platypus venom" on whatever search engine you prefer (or if you're really old-fashioned, look it up in an encyclopedia) and you'll probably find something on the subject. The platypus is one of the only known venomous mammals, and I should know, seeing as I am one.

Now you're probably thinking something along the lines of, "Wow, that's so cool!" Well, I used to think that way, but I don't anymore. Not after what happened the first time I ever used my venom on a person.

Mind you, I always knew what the spurs on my feet were and what they did. You can't go through life and not learn what all the parts of your body do. It was something I just instinctively knew; "if you ever feel threatened, jab whatever's attacking with your spurs." That didn't mean that I ever needed to use them on anyone; I spent most of my life before being adopted either sitting in a cage or going through my O.W.C.A. training. Occasionally I used my spurs on training dummies (I was a little gung-ho at the time), but they were just cloth and stuffing and didn't feel anything.

It wasn't until I was actually out in the real world that I witnessed what my spurs could do. It was right after I had finally been assimilated into the Flynn-Fletcher household. For the first time in my life I was part of a real family; I say the first time because I was taken from my parents at birth and hadn't really been close to anyone before I met them. I was touched by the love and affection the boys showered me with; they had quickly become my very close friends. Their parents were also very kind to me, but Candace was a different story entirely.

From the moment she first saw me in that pet store, Candace disliked me, and there hasn't been much of a change since then. Over the years she's called me gross, stinky, disgusting, and last but not least offensive, "Smelly the Barfypus."

Yes, she seriously calls me that.

However, something happened only a couple months after the Flynn-Fletchers adopted me that made the relationship between Candace and me worse. A whole lot worse. Something so bad that I seriously considered leaving the Flynn-Fletcher family forever. Something that still haunts me to this day.

…I stabbed Candace Flynn with my spurs.

Mind you, I didn't do it in cold blood. It wasn't even on purpose. I can't say I was completely innocent either, though. I was furious at her when it happened; does that make it intentional on my part? I never intended for things to go so far, but I should have read the signs a lot earlier and maybe then we could have avoided it all.

Maybe giving a more detailed description of what happened will help you to understand. The day has been burned into my memory forever, so describing it shouldn't be a problem.

It was a warm, humid kind of summer morning, and young Candace had just gotten back from her first sleepover at Stacey Hirano's house. From what I gather, it had been a nonstop party; snacks, movies, board games, and absolutely no sleep. I should have known then that there was going to be trouble; Candace is normally cranky even after a full night's rest.

But the night before I only had one thing in mind; getting into Candace's bedroom. Not that I wanted to do anything sinister; I just wanted to try out her bed for a change. Not that there was anything wrong with Phineas and Ferb's bed, either. It was just that Candace never let me sleep with her; every time I jumped on her bed at night she forcefully dragged me out of the room, grumbling and complaining. Candace's bed, for one whole night, was completely unoccupied and available. I wanted to know what it would be like to sleep with her, just for one night, even if she wasn't there herself. I'm not sure you'll be able to understand how I felt then; I'm not sure I do myself.

In any case, that night when Candace went over to Stacey's, I got into bed early with Phineas and Ferb. But I didn't stay there. As soon as everyone was asleep, I leapt quickly off the bed, landing without as much as a sound (secret agent training really helps with stuff like that). I opened the boys' bedroom door just wide enough to fit through, closed it silently, and within minutes I was in Candace's soft, warm bed and sleeping like I hadn't in years.

Then morning came, and Candace came home.

The first thing I remember was the screaming; I woke up to see Candace's lower jaw jabbing forcefully up and down like a jackhammer and making just as much noise. She was furious, and I assumed it was just because of the whole "sleeping in her bed" thing. So I rolled over quickly onto my feet and felt a damp spot on the sheets. I was suddenly and forcefully reminded of the waterfall I had seen in my dream and realized that maybe it hadn't just been a dream.

Now I knew why she was so upset.

I think it's a silly thing about human (or in this case platypus) nature that we get angrier when we embarrass ourselves than we do when other people embarrass us. You can call it being defensive, you can call it natural, but I call it how I acted when Candace caught me wetting her bed.

I was embarrassed, but then that embarrassment turned to anger. A lot of anger. I was the one that had snuck into her room and I was the one that had let myself go on her sheets, but in my mind it was somehow Candace's fault. Her fault for being so mean, her fault for never letting me sleep with her, her fault for making such a crime out of my personal little accident.

I hate myself right now. I really do.

Well, Candace was so angry that she grabbed me by my big, flat, beaver tail. Please, never, ever, ever pick up a platypus by the tail. It really hurts; our tails are relatively thin and our bodies are thick and heavy. A big force plus a small area equals a surprising amount of pain. Not to mention the fact that it's really humiliating. Doctor Doofenschmirtz sometimes picks me up that way when I go over to foil his schemes, and when he does I make sure to hit him just a little harder than I usually do.

Back to the story; Candace picked me up by the tail and I started struggling like crazy to get away from her. I think in that moment I was just fed up and ready to punch in a wall. Candace never brings out the best in me, which is why I prefer Phineas and Ferb; they help me to forget that deep down I'm just as mean and selfish as everyone else on this planet. I was flailing my limbs and at one point I think I bashed her in the stomach with my elbow. But that was small potatoes compared to what happened next.

Candace was walking to the door and struggling under the uncooperative load of my body when she stepped on something; I think it was a Ducky Momo stuffed animal. (Please don't ask me what Ducky Momo is; I haven't a clue but I don't think he's nearly as good at martial arts as my associate Goosy the Gander is.) So Candace the wonder klutz and I were now hurtling rapidly to the carpet below.

At that point I was beyond reason; I had had it with Candace and her stupid bed and her screaming. I was angry, upset, and falling to the floor. Candace was holding me in front of her when she fell, so on top of that I was going to be crushed by her eleven-year-old weight. Candace dropped me, trying to break her fall with her hands. I was plummeting through the air, all four legs and tail swinging wildly. I hit the carpet on my side; it hurt to hit the ground so hard, but not as much as it would when Candace finally fell on top of me. I kicked out upwards hard, partially to take a little force off the inevitable impact and partially because I was just so angry at her.

The next thing I knew, Candace was lying on top of me with my right venom spur sticking into her side.

I'll never forget that horrific moment. Candace, shaking on the floor and breaking into a cold sweat, clutching at her side and screaming in pain, her long hair dangling over her face and tears of pain in her eyes. My poison was seeping into her veins, slowly but surely, and it was all my fault. I felt a wet spot with my foot again, but this time it wasn't any of my bodily fluids. I knew she needed medical help immediately; I almost cut the dumb animal act right then and there and was just about to start applying first aid, hang the consequences. But then Phineas came in, and I decided to simply chirp urgently with my usual platypus sound and hope that Candace would make it.

I think I cried a little then, and even as I write this I'm finding it hard to stop shaking.

Candace wound up going to the local hospital; I still remember the sound of the ambulance as it pulled up in front of the house. I was hoping to go with them, but the paramedics said they couldn't let animals in the ambulance or in the hospital. Something about sanitation issues. So all I could do was sit around the Flynn-Fletcher house, alone, and wait. And wait.

As I recall, my secret agent watch beeped around noon; it was the O.W.C.A. Something about Doofenschmirtz making some kind of Doominator. I ignored it. For the first and only time in my life, I ignored my duties as an agent. I hear the Doominator blew up in Doofenschmirtz's face when he tried to turn the thing on. I'm not at all surprised; I don't think any of us can do anything for selfish reasons and not have it all blow up in our faces. That's what happened with Candace that day: I got selfish and before I knew it, it all blew up. All of it.

I can honestly say that that those were the worst moments of my life, not knowing whether a member of my own family was going to live or die thanks to something that I did. Candace didn't know and nobody could have known, but something seeped into my veins that day too, something more poisonous and crippling than my own stupid, loathsome, awful venom. It was guilt.

That night, I seriously considered leaving the Flynn-Fletcher family. And I don't just mean for another "where's Perry" moment. Just packing up my things, leaving the house, leaving my job, and living out the rest of my life as a normal platypus. I kept thinking that if I had never been adopted, never been recruited by the O.W.C.A., then maybe the poor girl wouldn't have gotten poisoned.

Late that night, Lawrence Fletcher brought Phineas and Ferb home from the hospital so they could get some sleep. I had just packed up all my things and a box of platypus food and was ready to leave; they came into the room just as I was about to hit the road for good. The boys looked haunted; they had seen their own sister in agony in the hospital and I don't blame them for being rattled. When I first got adopted, someone said I was looking at both Phineas and Ferb at the same time. Now I couldn't bear to look at either of them. The two came over to me, and I was sure that they were going to shout at me too, that they were going to tell me that I was the reason that their sister was in the hospital.

Instead they sat down on the floor and picked me up. I felt their warm arms wrap around me, and they both hugged me tightly. Somehow, their kindness hurt more than any blame. How could they have forgiven me so easily? Didn't they know that I was guilty, know what a despicable creature I was? I was crying again; I just couldn't help it. Phineas and Ferb are the kind of people who can only see the best in everyone. Maybe that's what the world needs more of.

"It's not your fault," Phineas whispered softly in my ear, stroking me lovingly. "It's not Candace's fault either; you just got in an argument and had an accident. That's all it was, an accident."

I wanted to believe him; I really did.

The boys changed into their pajamas and climbed into their beds. Phineas gestured to my usual spot next to him, wrapped under his arm. I sat there, not knowing what to do. Phineas sat that way for a while, just looking at me and smiling, but eventually he put his head down and closed his eyes.

I glanced at the supplies I had packed again. I must have sat there for an hour, just staring at that pile and thinking. Thinking about Candace, thinking about the boys, and thinking about how I fit into their lives.

I finally looked away, leapt onto the bed, and snuggled up beside Phineas. He rolled over and put his arm around me. It was warm as always, warm and inviting. I shouldn't have been able to sleep that night, but…I did. I did...

Candace obviously survived, or I wouldn't have written some of my sentences about her in present tense. The doctor managed to pump most of the poison out of her system and gave her antivenin to help her recover from the rest of the venom. I never got to visit her on her sick bed, although perhaps it would have just made things worse. After she got out of the hospital, she shut herself away in her room for a couple days. I didn't even try to come in. I owed her that, and a lot more. Even afterwards, it was weeks before she consented to be in the same room as me and months before she finally touched me again. As for myself, I never used my spurs on anyone again, and I intend to keep it that way. Even Doofenschmirtz doesn't deserve to get poisoned like that.

Although Candace has gradually forgiven me for the incident, she still thinks I'm disgusting, doesn't want me to sleep with her or go in her room, and calls me names. I probably deserve it. Personally, I've never been able to forgive myself for what happened. Candace could have died that day simply because I intentionally ignored her and slept in her bed.

Candace recovered from the poison within a week. I'll never really recover from what I did that day. Never. When I'm alone, when everything is quiet, my mind always slowly creeps back to that day, thinking about it, playing it back again and again, always wondering. If only…if only…

It haunts me. It still does…

-Perry