Arm in Arm
Summary: Once again, Conrad's arm has gone missing… and once again, he must find it and bring the nefarious arm-snatcher to justice.
Disclaimer: I do not own Kyou Kara Maou or its characters.
Warnings: Some violence, swearing, amputated limbs, dragon spit roast, Josak in granny panties. Oh and drug use.
A/N: The plot for this story was created by pyrrhic_victoly. I just decided to write it and flesh it out. Get it? Hahahahaha! Conrad kills me. No literally, I am now dead.
Chapter 1. The Arm of Lies
Conrad lay in bed, smiling up at the ceiling. The morning sun shone through the window across the room, creating patterns on the ceiling. He watched them, relaxed, without a care in the world. He was chewing bubble gum. Naked.
"What are you thinking about?" asked Doria the maid dreamily, her arm draped across his chest. Conrad slipped an arm behind her back and said nothing.
"Doria, stop hogging him! It's my turn to ask a question," scolded Lasagna the other maid, who had her arms wrapped around Conrad's stomach.
"Now now, ladies, there's enough of me for the both of you," Conrad chuckled. Then he blew a bubble and popped it.
"What are we going to do today, Sir Weller?" asked Lasagna lovingly, running a finger across his belly-button.
"I don't know. Guard stuff I guess."
"That's no fun! Hey, we should go on a picnic!"
"Yeah, you're maids or some shit, right? You can cook."
"That sounds like fun!" came the muffled voice of Sanguria from under the covers. "Let's do that!"
Conrad took the chewed gum out of his mouth and placed in lovingly in Sanguria's hair.
"Sounds like a plan."
So Conrart headed out to the fields with his lovely trio of lovers. It was a beautiful, sunny day. Flowers were blooming, and rays of sunlight had fried every ant within a three-mile radius to a crisp. It was the perfect day for a picnic!
After their meal was over, they decided to top it off with a romantic frolic in the grass! Arm in arm, Conrad skipped across the meadow while the maids fought for a place at his side.
"I get to hold Conrad's arm! It's my turn!"
"You always get to hold his arm! I want to now!"
"Let go and let me hold it, you tavern wenches!" Soon they were pulling and tugging at Conrad's arm while he looked down at them, confused.
Suddenly, there was a loud POP! Lasagna fell to the ground and looked up.
"Lasagna, what is in your hand?" asked Doria, her voice shaking. Lasagna looked at her hand.
"It's… Conrad's arm," she said, nonplussed.
"It isn't attached to his body!" shrieked Sanguria, running in circles to express her mortification.
"Oh yeah," said Conrad, "I forgot that I lost my arm again a couple of weeks ago. That's just a prosthetic."
"You have a fake arm and you forgot about it?" asked Doria.
"Well, yeah, it happens all the time," said Conrad, nursing the hole where his real arm should be.
"What happened to your real one?" asked Lasagna, holding up his prosthetic arm and wincing.
"Hmm, I can't remember. Was it removed by ninjas? No, that was another time. Gee, I really can't remember. I think I was pretty drunk when it happened."
"But shouldn't you go looking for it?"
"I don't know, Sanguria, shouldn't you be doing my laundry?" Conrad had a point. It was her turn to do the laundry. So they all headed back to the castle, Conrad's fake arm tucked under his real arm. It was just another sunny day at Blood Pledge Castle.