A/N: After drowning in feelings over a Bat-Family tumblr page all night (don't ask), I had the inspiration to write this fanfic. It's a bit of a sequel to my previous one, Forgive Me Son, For I Have Sinned, but you don't have to read that one to understand this one. You just have to have read 'Batman and Robin: Born to Kill' to understand what's going on. So, enjoy my random Bruce-musings.
Seeing Damian so broken and bloody tonight…
It made Bruce think.
About Damian.
Deeper and harder than ever before.
Tonight, for the first time since he met his son, he saw how fragile the ten-year-old really is. He's never been in such a vulnerable position before. He's always strong, always capable, always the warrior the League of Assassins taught him to be. Bruce has always been protective over Damian, as he is with all his Robins – all his children. He just never thought he'd have much reason to be protective over Damian.
After all, Damian is far ahead of all the other Robins when it comes to training. He came out of the womb perfect – quite literally. Yet somehow, that didn't help him tonight. It seems almost impossible that someone like Damian could be bested like that. Bruce's main concern was never teaching him how to fight as it was with the previous Robins. Damian never seemed to require that. No, Bruce's main concern has always been curbing his killer instinct.
And speaking of his killer instinct…
Damian killed Morgan tonight. After having a nearly spotless record for such a long time, Damian finally broke that resolve not to kill again. And he did it for Bruce.
Bruce can't bring himself to be angry with what Damian did tonight. No, he does not approve. He can never approve of killing. But he knows why Damian did it. He saw it as the only way to save his father. It was Damian's own twisted way of doing the right thing. The way he said he was trying to 'protect their castle, protect their kingdom' struck Bruce like a slap in the face. Damian didn't want to kill Morgan just because of his crimes. He did it for Bruce. And Bruce understands. He knows what it's like to have the itching desire to kill the evil he comes in contact with. He nearly crosses that boundary every single damn day.
And tonight too. When he saw Morgan holding a blade to his son's throat, he wanted nothing more than to take that blade and jam it in to Morgan's neck and end this madness. Hell, he almost stepped over that line with the vat of acid. A few more seconds of holding Morgan underneath that toxic waste and his face would have melted off. Boom. Dead. Batman's moral code be damned.
But then he glanced at Damian…
Damian, who for once looked at small as he actually is, holding up his mangled hand and watching his father intently to see if he was going to break the principle he held up so strictly.
And Bruce couldn't do it.
The reason he spared Morgan was not for him, not for his parents, and not for his moral code. It was for his son. He didn't want to make Damian watch the man who had instilled these 'no killing' values in him slowly unravel and turn into a murderer. He saw his own eyes reflected in Damian's, and he wondered for the first time what would have happened if his own father was to kill that mugger that night in the alley.
Would Bruce kill if he saw his father do it?
That thought made Bruce pull Morgan right out of the vat. He wants to be a positive influence in Damian's life the way Dick was.
It would be so easy for Bruce to be angry at Damian for killing Morgan and to punish him for it. Be he won't, because he knows that he has his own genes to blame for this as well as Talia's.
Bruce leans by the doorframe, watching his young son sleep. Bandages cover him, while splints keep his fractured fingers in place. But it could have been much worse. If he had come a mere few seconds later, he would have been forced to witness Damian vomiting up his own liquefied internal organs.
Bruce shudders slightly at the visual assaulting his brain. He chooses to focus on the rising and falling of Damian's chest. It soothes him, reassuring him that his son is alive. He wants to run up to him and place his hand over his chest to feel his steady heartbeat just to make 100% positive, but he resists the urge.
Physical contact between himself and Damian has always been limited.
Hell, physical contact between himself and all the boys had always been limited. That's Dick's area of expertise.
Bruce secretly envies Dick's relationship with the boy. He glances at them every now and then as Dick catches Damian in a 'death hug' and refuses to let go. No matter how much Damian moans and groans and threatens to dismember Dick in his sleep, it's obvious to Bruce that he's secretly pleased. Bruce wishes he could have that with his son.
But the two of them are just too much alike.
Bruce loves Damian more than anything in this world; he never denied that. He loves all his children that way. He'd do anything for them. But showing that love… that's a different story. Bruce falls into a pattern of stoic silence, always assuming that each of the boys knows how much he loves them. Showing affection has always been an area of difficulty for him. He simply doesn't know how, and he isn't comfortable with trying. Damian is the same way, but he secretly craves attention and affection.
That's where Dick comes in. He's always been the most light-hearted and playful one in the family. Of course he shows Damian that affection he needs so badly.
It's all so frustrating to Bruce. He just wishes there was some way Damian could just know that he does love him and understands him more than he believes. He understands him way too well. But the boy is so hard to talk to sometimes, namely because he's a miniature version of his father. The two can never seem to have one conversation without clashing somehow. Bruce wishes Damian would know just how proud of him he is.
Bruce is proud of Damian not just because he's his son, but because he's showed so much restraint when it comes to killing. He was born and bred to be a killing machine. His entire upbringing was just one big training exercise. But he holds back. Not because he doesn't want to, not even because he thinks it's wrong….
But out of respect for his father.
Damian doesn't kill because he wants to please Bruce and be like him. Bruce is the sole reason Damian restrains himself. He has that much respect for his father. He wants to be righteous.
Like father, like son, right?
Bruce sighs as his eyes flicker over his son's tiny form. He's so small, so vulnerable. Times like these make Bruce sincerely question the ethics of letting a small child fight crime with him. He knows Damian was a trained assassin but… still. He's so tiny. He's ten, practically a baby in Bruce's eyes.
His legs slowly begin moving over towards Damian's bed, almost without his consent. He's still hesitant, but nevertheless, his body feels compelled to walk over to his injured son. Soon, he's right by his bed.
It's quite frankly depressing that the only reason Bruce doesn't have to worry about Damian waking is that he's out cold with a concussion. He won't be waking up until later. That's what gives Bruce the dumb courage to do what he does next.
Leaning down, Bruce places his head over-top Damian's chest. The stillness of the boy ate at him, and he just needs some reassurance.
The steady, clear sound of his son's heartbeat calms his worries. It's the best sound in the world to him. His boy is okay. He raises his head up and looks at Damian's bandage-covered face. His expression is calm. He might even go as far as saying it's serene. That would never be a trait he'd attribute to Damian until now, but he must admit that the boy looks very innocent when he's sleeping. He doesn't hold the weight on his features that he usually does while awake. It's times like these that make Bruce remember just how much of a child Damian really is.
He reaches his hand out reluctantly. It skims Damian's skin lightly before Bruce retracts it again. Should he? It's a violation of Damian's personal space, it's uncalled for, it's…
Bruce reaches out again and softly strokes Damian's cheek with the back of his hand. The warmth, an assurance that Damian is okay, provides Bruce with some small comfort.
Screw it. He's already crossed that line.
He slowly raises his hand up and strokes Damian's hair, smoothing it back like a mother does to her children when they're sick or distressed. Bruce thanks the lord and everything that is holy that Damian is too injured to awake for this. He would have cut Bruce's hand off for daring to come near him.
But Bruce suspects that a part of him would be secretly pleased.
Bruce reluctantly takes his hand away from Damian and straightens his back. With one last look at his son, he turns and walks away. Later, he'll be back to give Damian that recording he made while searching for him. Then maybe later, they'll have a talk.
Maybe then, Bruce can finally make Damian understand just how proud of him he is, something he's never been good at expressing.
And just how much he loves him.
A/N: Bruce is no father of the year, and don't you dare deny that he sucks at showing his children that he loves them.
But he does love them. That's the most important thing here.
I kind of hate this thing that tends to happen on here; when people totally disregard the fact that Bruce genuinely cares for Damian and make his out to be the bad guy while making it seem like Dick is Damian's father. Dick is Damian's big brother. That's their relationship. It's a beautiful one, but Bruce is Damian's father. He has made some miss-steps, but he loves Damian. He just sucks at showing that.
And that, children, is why you should go to therapy instead of dressing up in a bat suit and continuing to bury your grief deeper and deeper until you're just one walking ball of grumpiness. *dodges batarangs*
I hope you enjoyed and feel free to tell me what you think!