Kagome's
Dealing With Demons:
Do's & Don'ts
*Only on Sousei Keiro*
Author's note: Sousei Keiro is Discovery Channel in Japanese.
The theme song Na Li Pa by Bang Bang Tang (1) is played while photos of demons and the host, Kagome, fending off rabid demons waltz across the screen.(2)
Action!
The camera shows Kagome standing in a field.
Kagome: On this episode of "Kagome's Dealing with Demons: Do's & Don'ts", we're discussing (with quite tame examples) how to defend yourself from a more powerful breed of demon, a dog demon. This breed is so powerful that even the hanyo are almost as strong as the full yokai! *she laughs in fake amazement*
The camera zooms out now and shows two dog demons beside her, one half, one not.
Kagome: Our tolerant examples today are brothers which I happen to know; Inuyasha and Sesshomaru. Inuyasha is the cute one with the doggy ears, *point* and Sesshomaru is the girly-looking one with lovely purple stripes on his face.*point again*
Sesshomaru gives her the perfectest evil eye ever.
Sesshomaru: You think I'm girly? I'll show you girly…
Inuyasha: Did you hear her talking about me being a hanyo?
Glare menacingly at her together.
Kagome ignores them excellently:First I'll show you how to fight off a half demon. This one is special, because if he gets out of control I just say sit and he listens. However, all the other dog demons don't listen to that. Should I show you?
Kagome appears to listen hard while the audience screams at her to say sit.
Kagome: We have the audience's decision!
Inuyasha: Kagome, you're screwed. I'll give you one more chance after this…
Kagome grins evilly, takes a deep breath, and: SIT BOY!
You can see Sesshomaru nearly laugh as Inuyasha gets pounded.
Kagome: As you can see, the unfortunate half demon gets pounded while Mr. Snarky full demon here isn't. (2) We'll see if that changes, we'll see… So, only try doing this if the inu yokai you're trying to tame has a magical prettyful collar.
Kagome pulls out a dog whistle.
Sesshomaru thinks, (3) 'This will be doom for Inuyasha. However, I'll be able to stand it. I am stronger, anyways.'
Kagome blows the whistle. Inuyasha is the least affected, and can nearly walk while seemingly trying to stuff his hands in his ears. Sesshomaru is saying, through gritted teeth: You WILL *ow* die Kagome! *OW* Painfully! *Ow*
Kagome blows harder. Inuyasha gets to the state Sesshomaru was at, death threats. Sesshomaru is just rolling around on the ground, saying: Aughhh!!! and other various incomprehensible phrases along that line. Kagome finishes blowing the whistle and starts to talk really fast.
Kagome: So, blow really hard while running away to incapacitate the dog demons. Yokai are harmed more because they're part dog and this is a dog whistle. I should be off!
Sesshomaru (4): DID YOU SAY SOMETHING? DOESN'T MATTER. I'LL KILL YOU ANYWAYS!!!
Camera zooms out to see Kagome driving off in a Ferrari while being chased by Sesshomaru and Inuyasha. Sesshy hears screaming and looks behind him. His eyes grow wide as he realizes that the is being chased by his companion Lady Rubi-sama and the human author Maddy, and all the people Emily, Maddy, and me (the author) have ever or will create that love Sesshy.
Sesshy: Oh crap.
Sesshomaru runs for his life while trying to kill Kagome. Inuyasha has stopped running because he noticed the fangirls. He can't run because he's laughing so hard he can't breathe.
Kagome, ignoring the fangirls that now flood Inuyasha too, pops up in front of the screen and finishes her show with: Thank you for watching my show and please remember to always keep at least 5 average fangirls or Maddy with you at all times. Just look at the damage they cause! Bai,(5) and see you next time!
She grins in a cheesy, show-host fashion and the screen fades to black. Credits scroll down the screen while the song "Ru Zi Ke Jiao" plays, by Fei Lun Hai
Author's notes:
1) Not literally. They just popped up and once in a while there was soundless footage from earlier episodes.
2) In this show, I made Kagome *randomly* hate Sesshy, and she shows how much she hates him in those 3 sentences
3) Sesshy can't hear because the whistle was so loud, it made him briefly deaf.
4) This means "Bye!" in Japanese.