Seinfeld: Prison Blues

Act 1 Scene 1

Setting: Prison Cafeteria; Lunchtime. Jerry and George are sitting at a table eating.

Jerry: What's the deal with the metal lunch trays? Are they sanitary? I don't feel comfortable eating from these.

George: (Curiously) Do you think the lady handing out the food likes me?

Jerry: (Sarcastically) What are you going to do, take her to your cell and show her your disgusting toilet and twin size bed; oh yeah, she will be real impressed.

George: (Excitedly) She always gives me extra helpings and gives me the cleanest spoon; besides, how many prospects can I find in an all male prison?

Jerry: Well you're going to have to really put on the charm wearing that orange, nasty wear suit. Besides, you're spoken for (looks over to a staring tattooed, bearded man) he might not like her stepping in on his territory (smiling devilishly)

(Kramer approaches with a folded up towel under his tray)

Kramer: Jerry, I've got a deal cooking here….. (Whispers) when Fat Tony asks you about my clean towel collection, tell him I have a limited supply. (Whispering continues) He wants to trade me his lucky sock but I want him to throw in his TV guide to sweeten the deal so give him the impression that I have one left.

Jerry: (Disgusted) What do you need with an old nasty sock from Fat Tony? You better not come near me with that thing and if you put it on, well…..friendship over.

Kramer: (Hopeful) Jerry, I have to get out of here, Bob Sacamono is opening up his new fly market and I want to setup my own booth so that I can sell some of my pasta creations in time for the festivus season. This lucky sock will bring me a needed boost of good fortune to get my way out…….plus, I can sell it at my booth at the fly market…..

Jerry: (Doubtful) Cosmo, a lucky sock isn't going to help get you out of here; (Pauses) wait, did you say "fly" market? I believe you mean flea market.

Kramer: NO JERRY, "Fly" market. It's the next big thing in markets and I'm going to get in on the ground floor….think about it Jerry, it's not a "flea" market because there are never any fleas there…but there are always plenty of flies. Gives the customers a good feeling while they shop because there are definitely flies there…..no false advertising like the "flea" markets. Our slogan is going to be "Flies, no lies!"

Jerry: (Rolling Eyes) Kramer, not only are you thinking outside the box, your living there as well. (Stands Up) Well guys I have to go to visitation, Elaine is coming today.

George: (Frustrated) ELAINE! How did she get out of prison? Why isn't she coming to see me? Are we not friends too? I knew she hated me….

Jerry: Elaine was given a new trial based on sexism as she was the only woman on trial in our case; she won the retrial based on us being the cause of her behavior.

George: (Upset) WHAT!! She was the reason I even snickered at the guy, I wouldn't have even said anything but I wanted to top what she said about the guy being robbed….(Looks Up and Shouts) ELAINE!!

End Act 1 Scene 1