Disclaimer: All properties of ER belong to NBC and Warner Bros. This piece is dedicated to Michael Crichton, who left us this past month. Rest in Peace, and may God bless your soul.

A/N: My account's working again. I'm ecstatic about that. Here's my first attempt at Neela angst with a lot of conversation. So it might be a little OOC. Apologies in advance.

Neela rushed to the surgeons' lounge after her shift was finally over. God, this was a day from hell. She walked over and sat down on the sofa, perching her elbows on her knees and resting her face in her hands. That lump began to suffocate her airways again, her stomach was tying in knots, and she could feel the bile rise in her throat. Tears pooled in her eyes, and for the first time that day, she let them fall.

How could I have been so stupid to even think that Ray came back because he wanted to be with me? How could I have assumed that he still wanted me after all these years? That he wouldn't find somebody better…someone who didn't remind him of… How could I even think that he still loved me? I was an idiot. A fool.

Sobs escaped her throat as her mind rushed with thoughts. Tears streamed down her cheeks, her mocha skin glowing in the orange lighting in the lounge. She bit her thumbs, pursing her lips tightly around them.

Then it dawned on her. The reason he came back. It wasn't to see if they had a future.

No.

It was for him to gain a sense of closure, so he could move on with his life. And move on, he did.

Ray has a girlfriend…

Tears flowed from her eyes as she cried into her hands. It was hard to breathe. She couldn't think. Couldn't feel. She couldn't get his image out of her head. He moved on….without her.

She was crying so hard that she didn't notice Lucien walking in.

His eyes fell on his beloved colleague. His heart broke for her. He rested his coffee cup that he was holding onto the counter beside him, and rushed to Neela's feet, crouching in front of her. He rested his hands on her knees.

"Neela, honey, what's wrong?"

Neela didn't move her head. She continued to sob. "Oh, Lucien…" she cried.

"I'm here, I'm here" he whispered, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "What happened? If it's about what happened downstairs--"

"No. It's got nothing to do with that" her head shot up and she met Lucien's gaze. Her eyes were red, dry, and swollen. They stung. Her cheeks burned from the running mascara. He ran a hand to her cheek and stroked it. He reached behind him and plucked a tissue from the box, handing it to her. She wiped her eyes with it, clutching the Kleenex in her hands, her head lowered. She felt so childish. "I'm sorry, Lucien…"

"No…don't be. What happened? What's wrong?"

She sniffled deeply, her breathing was slow. Tears fell from her eyes again. "Ray."

Lucien cocked his head sideways. "I thought you two were—"

"So did I," she cut him off. She couldn't bear to hear those words. "But then I found out he moved on to someone else."

Anger burned in her mentor's eyes. "What the fuck?" Neela's head shot up at the last word. Lucien never cussed. She simply nodded.

"Yeah," she licked her lips slightly, sniffling. Tears pooled in her eyes again. "Some girl he just met at a gym. He's going with her to Georgia for Thanksgiving."

"You're shitting me."

She shook her head. "No."

Lucien stood up abruptly. "He hasn't changed at all, has he?" hatred dripped from his words. Neela's eyes traveled to his.

"Lucien…"

"No, Neela. Don't even think about defending him." He ran a hand through his hair and began pacing around the room. "So, let me get this straight. He comes back from being away from you for a year and ignites hope inside you that you two had a future. Then he leaves and jumps the first girl he meets?"

It was Neela's turn to stand. "Lucien! That's not…" she trailed off. He was right, wasn't he?

The room was silent for a moment. Then Neela cleared her throat. "He deserves to move on. He deserves better than I have to offer…so…"

"Stop it, Neela. That's bullshit, and you know it," he scolded.

"Well it's the truth isn't it?!" she yelled. "He deserves better than someone who reminds him of how he got hurt in the first place! I nearly killed him. I jerked him around for years. He deserves better than that! Hell, he couldn't even spend ONE night with me when he came back. What does that tell you? He stopped loving me a long time ago."

"No—"

"Damn it, Lucien. I love him. So much. And more than anything, I want him to be happy. And he obviously can't be happy with me. So I have to let him go. I need to let him go and be happy. And it kills me inside that I lost my chance with him, because he's the only man I'll ever love. It kills me. But I deserve it."

"You don't really believe that, do you?"

"I do. I have to. I want him to be happy—"

"And damn with what you want?"

"Yes. I've been selfish enough these last three years. The tables have turned now. I can't be what he deserves. There's just too much history. I've caused him too much pain. He deserves something better."

There was dead silence in the room before she spoke again. "I need to get home. I'm bloody exhausted and I need a shower." She made her way to her locker and retrieved her things. When she slammed it shut and spun around, Lucien grabbed hold of her gently.

"I know what you're doing Neela. You're trying to convince yourself of all this. Defense mechanisms. But I can see past that. Your heart's breaking. You want him. You love him."

Tears spilled from her eyelids. Lucien wiped them away with his thumbs.

"If Barnett thinks he can do better than you, Neela, he must have lost a lot more than just his legs that night. There is no one better."

Neela continued to cry as Lucien kissed her forehead. "I'll let you get home. But you call me if you need anything, ok?"

She nodded, and Lucien pulled her into his arms.

"You're gonna be alright. I promise you that."

Neela breathed deeply. "Thank you Lucien," she stepped out of his embrace and mustered a sad smile as she pulled her bag over her shoulder, exited the lounge, and left the hospital.

Things can move at such a pace
The second hand just waved goodbye
You know the light has left his face
But you can't recall just where or why
So there was really nothing to it
I just went and cut right through it
I said I'm gonna let him fly…

Let me know what you think : )