It had nearly killed her to leave her sons the way that she did. It had to be done, she needed time to process everything that was happening and she wasn't going to get that time with Sam going out of his way to make her comfortable and Dean watching her every move like a hawk. She didn't intend to abandon them, though she knew they probably wouldn't see things the same way-she had a feeling that the list of those who cared about and looked after those boys was small and that her leaving may cause an irreparable rift in the trust they had bestowed upon her. But to be completely honest, if she stayed one more night in that bunker, she was in danger of taking drastic measures to get a break, and she didn't want to put that sort of burden on her children.

It was a lot to take in. She was dead, then in heaven, now on earth. Her boys were grown men, worn and weary due to the lives they'd experienced. Lives they'd experienced because of her, because of the demon deal she made. What had she been thinking? How could her sons even stand to look at her, knowing she sold their family out before they were even born?

She had intended to walk until she found somewhere to go, but she had only been on the road for five minutes when she heard the rumble of an engine behind her. She stopped, knowing it had to be one of her boys, since they were well-secluded in their home and therefore were no other options. Taking a deep breath to steady herself and preparing for an argument about why she had to go, she turned to face them as the engine turned off.

It was Sam, looking pained and anxious. Even standing over six feet tall, he somehow managed to look small and contrite, like a child who was caught misbehaving and was worried about the reprimand that was to follow. He stepped out of the truck, and her hunter instincts picked up the slight tremble of his hands as he approached.

"Sam, I-"

"No, I get it. Really, I do." Sam said quickly, holding his hands up in a show of compliance, "Believe me, I understand what you're doing better than anyone."

He took a few steps towards her, hesitating slightly, "I, uh, I just thought you'd like to take a set of wheels. It's not really safe for a pretty girl to be walking around late at night, even if you are trained to protect yourself. And you're going to need money."

Mary raised an eyebrow at her youngest child as he pulled out his wallet and opened the bill flap, taking everything he had and holding it out to her. She was taken aback by his generosity, she hadn't expected either boy to make her exit easier, especially after they had both expressed how wonderful it was to have her back in their lives. She started to protest, but Sam's facial expressions changed from apprehensive to determined and she knew she wouldn't win this battle. And she did need money, she had been appalled by how expensive food was when they had gotten take out. The last time she bought fast food, it had been a meal from Burger King and for a burger, fries and drink she had spent less than $3. Now the same meal was closer to $6 and she didn't even want to think about how much a motel room would cost. Or gas.

"I'll make this up to you." Mary spoke quietly,reaching up to cup Sam's cheek, "This isn't forever, Sammy, I just need a little time."

"I know. And we'll be here when, if, you decide to come back."

"Look out for your brother, okay? I have a feeling he won't take this as well as you are."

"Of course I will, it's my job." Sam reassured her as he held out the keys, "The truck isn't as fast or sleek as the Impala, but it's dependable and well-maintained. The oil was just changed and the tires were rotated and balanced a few weeks ago, so you should be good to go."

It shouldn't be like this. She shouldn't feel like a teenager being given the keys to the car for the first time. She should be taking care of him, not the other way around. She should have been rescuing them on the hunt, not having to get herself saved. How was she ever going to fit in and find herself when she felt like a stranger to her only remaining family? Starting to feel more than a bit anxious, she offered him a smile and took the keys, "Thanks, Sam. Do you want a lift back?"

Sam shook his head, a sad smile on his face, "I could use the walk to clear my head. I lo-uh, take care of yourself and don't hesitate to call if you need anything."

"I love you too, Sammy." Mary murmured quietly, walking to the truck with a heavy heart. He may understand her need to leave, but she could tell it still hurt him. She never wanted to hurt him this way.

Mary was surprised to find two packages sitting on the front seat, and when she opened them up, she felt a pang of remorse and guilt ripple through her. Sam had given her a laptop and a cell phone. On the laptop was a sticky note reading "These are practically necessities in 2016. Keep in touch."

Even though she had broken their hearts, her boys were still looking out for her. While she felt a flicker of warmth inside at the gesture, it was overshadowed by anguish and self-loathing. What was she doing to these kids? It wasn't as if she could go back to them right now, especially now, since the gesture proved that she would never be able to process this information alone if the boys were nearby. But at the same time, she wanted to get to know these two men, the people her little boys had grown up to be. How could anyone fill in those sort of gaps, though?

With a heavy heart, she put the truck into drive and went out in search of a hotel.

Once settled, she turned on the laptop computer, still a bit overwhelmed by this advanced technology that she had only just been introduced to. She knew the basics from watching her boys, so she opened the internet and started to research. First, she typed in her old address and was able to find out John had sold it after her death and it had passed hands many times throughout the years, often with strange occurrences reported between sales. She then tried to type in names, finding that her aunts, uncles and cousins were all gone. Her favorite restaurant in Lawrence was still standing, and she briefly contemplated driving there just for a bit of familiarity and comfort. Her friends were gone, obituaries for each acting as a dagger to her heart. Was there anything left of her life?

On a whim, she decided to try the boys' names. Typing in 'Dean Winchester' pulled up many news articles, apparently the world knew him as a dangerous fugitive, but nothing that couldn't be explained by their hunting lifestyle. They said he was a murderer, and she knew that was not true; she may not have been by their side for the last 33 years, but she knew them well enough to know they weren't cold-blooded killers. The fact that Dean hadn't gone nuclear on the British Men of Letters chick was a testament to his humanity. Typing in 'Sam Winchester' pulled up some news articles as well, depicting him of similar crimes that Dean had been accused of. More interesting, though, were articles from Palo Alto, California. Pictures of a beautiful blonde student who had burned in her apartment, her roommate/boyfriend who had survived.

His girlfriend had died in a fire, just like she had. Her heart ached for her son and what he had been through.

When she typed in "Sam and Dean Winchester", though, she hit jackpot. A book series, written by someone named Carver Edlund, with summaries very consistent with what she knew about her children and hunting. What if these were true? She had the option to buy them online, but no credit card, so she used the internet to find a bookstore that carried them. An hour later, she had bought the entire set with the cash Sam had given her. It only took reading the first few pages to know they were accurate.

This felt like snooping, but was it really snooping if anyone could access these novels? Ethics aside, she knew that learning more about her grown sons would help her heal and get to a place where she felt comfortable around them. Settling against a pillow, she began to read book number one.

To be continued...