Disclaimer: Don't own them, meant no offence.
Authors Note: This has been proofed but not Beta'd so all mistakes are my own. I haven't written anything for years and years so I'm a little rusty.
It was cold in Storybrook. The chill in the air suited Regina's mood perfectly as she strolled along the main road on her way to Snow and David's loft. It made her body feel as numb as her insides. It had been three weeks since Emma and Hook had returned through the portal with Marian. With each passing week of dropping temperatures, it had seemed increasingly likely that they had brought something else with them as well.
Regina found herself less concerned about the strange occurrence in weather than she would've thought possible. She hadn't used her magic since she had seen Robin reunited with Marian in the diner. She feared that in her pain the magic she had spent so long cleansing would revert to the purple hue that had coloured her reign as the Evil Queen. She didn't want to know if she herself had reverted and was putting off testing it.
Whatever was coming would require her magical participation at some point. She wasn't so naïve as to believe that she would be able to hide under the radar as she had been for the last few weeks once the new big bad made themselves known. But until she was forced to find out if she really could stay 'good' in the face of personal adversity, she was just as happy to remain numb to everything, if numbness could be construed as happiness.
She knocked quietly in case Neal was sleeping. Snow answered the door, looking tired and sleep deprived but happy to see her.
"Come in," Snow whispered. "I've finally gotten Neal to sleep so we can have tea undisturbed."
As Snow made the tea, Regina made herself comfortable on the sofa and waited for Snow's opening salvo.
"I'm glad you agreed to come over, we haven't seen much of you around town recently," Snow started, pouring the boiling water into mugs.
'And there it is', Regina thought cynically. 'Now for the not so subtle allusion to my current situation.'
Snow handed Regina a mug, "I can't imagine how you must be feeling, but… well… I'm worried about you, Regina." Regina's eyes narrowed and she felt herself getting defensive. Something in her demeanour must've alerted Snow who was quick to roll her eyes and add, "No, no, I don't think that you will revert back to your old ways, that's not what I am saying. You've worked so hard to change, I don't think you'd throw that away lightly." She paused and added thoughtfully, "And truthfully, I am not sure you could go back to being the Evil Queen, even if you wanted to. "
"Any why is that, dear?" Regina asked, holding herself stiffly.
"I'm not sure, it's just a feeling. Maybe Henry has changed you too much. Maybe the years under the curse gave you a difference perspective. Maybe we just are too old and have seen too much to ever be able to fight like that again," Snow said slowly, not wanting to offend Regina. She looked rueful, "I don't know about you, but I don't have the sort of passion that could generate and sustain that level of anger anymore."
"That's because you have a new born, dear. I'd be surprised if you have a passion for anything other than sleep at this point," Regina said dryly. "You're right, though. I don't have the passion to wreak havoc and chase revenge anymore. And given my excessive failure in attaining revenge the last time around, I don't really see the point." She looked Snow directly in the eye as she said this, not wanting to shy away from their past.
Snow nodded unflinchingly as Regina continued, "And I don't really want to talk about Robin, or Marian or Emma. I would prefer to not to relive and rehash the last few weeks. But, in light of everything that we have been through…" she trailed off, not really knowing what she wanted to say.
Snow waited patiently, sipping her tea and fighting her natural instincts to push Regina a little harder. Her patience was rewarded, though she was taken aback by Regina's musings. She had expected some degree of vitriol towards her daughter and was prepared to listen without question but Regina's philosophical and introspective question surprised her.
"Snow, why do we expect good things to last forever? Life has shown us time and time again that what we have can disappear in the blink of an eye. It doesn't make what we had any less but I'm not sure that we should expect the good things to last forever."
Snow tilted her head, looking at Regina curiously.
"Yes, I am sad about how things turned out and yes, I am disappointed that I am on my own again," Regina admitted softly. "But I am not broken, I am not beaten and I am not going to kill your daughter." Snow smiled slightly.
Regina clenched her hands together and continued, stuttering slightly over his name. "R-Robin gave me something that I hadn't had since Daniel was alive. I felt like I had come home to a warm and safe haven where I could just be Regina again. I'm sorry that that feeling is lost to me, but I am not sorry that I had it, even briefly."
Snow grasped Regina's shoulder gently, "It's not over yet, Regina. I saw how you were with him. You just have to have hope."
Regina smiled weakly at Snow, reaching her hand out to stroke Snow's hair, gingerly as if expecting to be rebuffed. Snow nestled her head against Regina's hand, welcoming the gentle touch. "Your optimism never ceases to amaze or annoy me, Snow," she said, softening her words with another stroke. "But I don't believe Robin and I will be together again. It isn't rational and it isn't logical, but if he loved me as I love him, he would need to be with me as I need to be with him. I can feel him, all the time. Even when I took my heart out after that shock at the diner, I could still feel him."
At Snow's concerned look she quickly added, "Yes, yes I put it back it in. Because you were right, I feel things with my whole soul. I feel him with my entire being. And it's killing me. I can't get away from the sensation. I literally carry him with me everywhere I go. I can feel his pain and his confusion and his happiness at Marian's return. I can't turn it off and it overwhelms me." Snow sniffled, nodding. Since sharing her heart with David she could feel him all the time too. They had always shared a connection, but it was deeper and more visceral now.
"If Robin felt what I felt, he wouldn't have been able to stay away from me. Because if he was feeling my heart, as my soul mate, then he would be feeling my pain, my anguish, my despair. What I feel for him isn't a choice, its inevitability. If he felt the same the way, then we wouldn't be apart. It would be impossible for him to stay away. The very fact that he can speaks volumes. His connection to me isn't as strong as mine is to him. Knowing that, I couldn't ever trust his feelings again. I would always feel like a second choice, rather than a second chance."
Snow pulled Regina to her and hugged her tightly.
"And after everything I have been through, after everything I have done, I don't want to live like that. You were right, I am too tired. So maybe happiness was too much of a stretch for me," she said, pulling back from Snow slightly. Snow could see the tears that Regina refused to let fall well up in her eyes. "But I think attaining a sense of peace is achievable. And that is what I have been working towards. Every day, I just want to breathe a little easier than the day before."
She paused and swallowed hard, fighting back her tears. "So now you know everything," she said shrugging slightly. "And I would appreciate it if we need never discuss this matter again."
Snow was quiet for a moment, rubbing her hand up and down Regina's back unconsciously. If they were never going to speak of this again, she wanted to make sure she got her words right and her point across. She knew how stubborn Regina could be and she wanted to make sure that she was heard. She decided Robin could fight his own way back into Regina's stubborn heart when he realised he couldn't live without her and instead chose to focus her words on Regina in the here and now.
"I think you deserve peace of mind and soul more than anyone, Regina. The things we have done, the guilt we all carry, makes us who we are but it doesn't mean that we don't suffer for it. But you are not alone. We're a family again, you and I. With Henry, David and Neal and one day, if you'll accept her maybe even Emma, we have become a family. And that means you'll never be alone again." She hugged Regina tightly once more, tightly squeezing her eyes closed and praying that she wouldn't be pushed away and rejected for pushing too hard.
To her relief, Regina tightened her grip on Snow and buried her face into her neck, crying softly. They stayed like that for a few minutes until Regina pulled herself together. Wiping her tears away she looked at Snow's earnest face. "I've missed you," she confessed quietly.
"I'm right here, Regina, and I'm not going anywhere. And neither are you!" she said more cheerily, resolving to adhere to Regina's request to not dwell on her current situation. "You are staying for dinner, so you can spend some more time getting to know Neal."
"Staying for dinner or cooking said dinner?" Regina asked with a hint of her usual snark coming back into her voice. She looked around the messy apartment with amusement as spoke, glad of Snow's timely change of topic.
Snow flashed her a slightly guilty grin and shrugged. Regina chuckled under her breath and went to the kitchen to begin preparing dinner.
Later as she was walking home alone from the surprisingly non-confrontational dinner with the Charmings, Emma, Henry and Hook, she realised she did feel slightly better for having talked with Snow. The knowledge and the belief that she wasn't on her own anymore made her feel slightly lighter. It gave her hope that she could one day find a measure of peace.
She was about to turn onto the Main Street when she spotted Robin walking with Little John. She quickly faded back into the shadow of the street corner, hoping that they hadn't spotted her or her sudden evasive manoeuvre. She watched as they made their way over to Granny's, her eyes drinking him in with unabashed longing. It hurt to look at him but she couldn't tear her eyes away, even as they clouded with tears.
Little John hung back a second as they were entering the diner. He looked over to where Regina was hiding in the shadows and nodded slightly, offering her a slight smile. He didn't linger though, not wanting to draw Robin's attention to her when she clearly didn't want to be seen but still wanting to acknowledge that he had seen her. A small smile appeared on her face as the door to the diner closed. Maybe she did have more friends here than she had thought.
As she continued her journey home, she considered her reaction to seeing Robin unexpectedly. Ducking into the shadows wasn't exactly an Evil Queen tactic but it was becoming more familiar to Regina. She had considered leaving town some weeks ago, after the removal of her heart didn't ease her pain. At the time leaving Storybrook, and by extension Henry, seemed like too big a step, too impulsive a move, but she considered it again now as a way to put some distance between her and Robin. Her instinct to hide rather than brazen a meeting out made her feel uncomfortable, weak and vulnerable. Maybe a few months away somewhere where she couldn't run into him would provide her with some peace. Leaving Henry would be hard, but if she didn't go too far he could still visit her.
She sighed, pulling her jacket tighter around her, the cold reminding her that something was coming and she couldn't just up sticks and leave. Whether they liked her or not, whether they trusted her or not, the town needed her to fight against whatever was coming. Maybe a fight was what she needed to get her mojo back. Maybe it would rekindle her passion and burn away the numbness. And if it didn't, she could always call leaving town Plan B.
END