Better Off Dead

How did this happen?

Rei shifted under the light sheet and brought her head up from Takashi's chest, eyes focused on his sleeping face, brow furrowed from the phantoms in his mind. He reacted to her movement in his sleep, arm wrapping a little tighter around her waist. The gesture was affectionate and warm, but Rei felt her heart sink.

How did this happen?

She wasn't supposed to fall in love with him again. She'd already done that once, but she'd been ignored. Takashi had grown up to be someone who never cared about anything at all, and she couldn't stand it. She'd left her feelings in the dust and Hisashi had been there.

She should be with Hisashi. So how, how, did she end up sleeping beside Takashi?

Rei slipped back down and pressed her ear against his chest. The slow heartbeats sounded in her head like distant thunder. Hisashi was dead. Takashi was here, alive and warm, loving her and struggling under the weight of so many crosses.

It wasn't fair to him.

Rei realized that at some point, those long forgotten feelings for him had never been gone at all, blinded behind a rage brought on by hormones and slighted feelings. It hadn't been Takashi's fault they hadn't worked out when she had confessed, not completely. She'd never even given him a chance and he'd suffered for it (and she could still see his face, expressionless as stone when he first saw her and Hisashi holding hands; even then she had known that he was angry, but she had laughed him off, feeling an odd sort of satisfaction).

She had seen his suffering in his brutish behavior before their world ended. Then, it had only gotten more pronounced, harder to dismiss. She'd seen him lashing out like a wounded animal through the school, on the roof (and, oh, Hisashi, she was so sorry!). He'd continued to snarl and act out in those first days as well, unsure of himself and in so much pain.

She'd caused that pain. Rei had damaged him so much and had unwittingly used Hisashi to do it, bruising their friendship and turning the whole ordeal ugly. She'd acted selfishly and both Hisashi and Takashi had taken the brunt of her actions.

But Takashi...he didn't even seem to care.

He should have hated her for her decisions. She had been mouthy and mean, but when she'd started using him to alleviate her own helplessness, he hadn't said a word of protest. He opened his arms to her, not a single thing hesitant about them.

It didn't make any sense because he cared about her, had always cared about her. How could he still care enough to share his bed?

It was an innocent thing, sleeping together, buried beneath the covers as though to hide from the ravages of what lay outside the walls. It was comforting to be able to relax with someone who cared. Takashi cared, Rei knew, and she also knew that she cared for him as well, but it didn't feel right.

Rei knew her feelings for him were tainted. She had left him with scars she would never see, hurt him worse than anything.

And still...

"Rei?"

Rei jumped before her heart returned to its place in her chest and she looked up at Takashi's weary face. "T-Takashi?"

Takashi's arm fell away from her waist, fingers brushing against her hip bones, but before Rei could see what he planned, his hand dropped heavily onto her head. She felt him slide his fingers through her hair. "You're thinking too much. Get some sleep, you won't do well without it."

Rei managed a small sound of agreement that transformed into something a little more surprised as Takashi shifted her over on her side. His arm was under her and had managed to reclaim its place around her while his other hand replaced the one on her head. He pushed her head close to his chest again, resting his chin on her forehead. "Good night, Rei."

The position was everything she could have wanted, but Rei almost cried. How did this happen? She certainly didn't deserve it. How did this happen?

"Good night, Takashi."

She almost wished she wouldn't wake up.

When she felt the muscles in his arms and chest relax, she mouthed against the fabric of his shirt, "I'd be better off dead. I'm so sorry."