Introduction: ANBU must be prepared for death at all times, and Sakura would never live it down if she died a virgin. Ino and Sakura devise a to-do list – the kind that would make even Kakashi blush. Kakasaku; rated M for a reason.
A/N: Inspired loosely by the Aubrey Plaza movie of the same name, and written loosely in the form of long-ish drabbles (first two chapters will be pretty tame). Don't read if you value your innocence – otherwise, enjoy! :)
Chapter 1: The To-Do List
Haruno Sakura's eyes widened as she clutched the piece of high-quality parchment, stamped with an official-looking Hokage seal and all.
Her vocal cords let loose a high-pitched squeal, the kind that she hadn't emitted since she was twelve.
A few seconds was all it took for a bleary-eyed Ino to crash through the bedroom door, brandishing a kunai unsteadily. She relaxed slightly upon seeing Sakura unharmed.
"Did someone just break in?" the blonde girl demanded of her roommate. The blonde hair in question was currently a bird's nest – there was a reason she bothered to tie it up every day she went out.
The pinkette didn't reply – she merely shoved the parchment into her friend's face, speechless.
Ino's half-awake expression slowly morphed into one of genuine surprise. "You applied for ANBU, Sakura?" she asked in a hushed voice.
"I was accepted," Sakura corrected her friend with a slight frown, wondering why Ino wasn't sharing her excitement. In fact, Ino was looking downright upset. "How come you're not excited for me?"
Ino's gaze slowly lifted from the parchment and she gave Sakura a familiar, exasperated look. It was the kind of look she gave when she thought Sakura was being naïve, a know-it-all, or just plain ignorant. It was a look that she gave Sakura surprisingly often. Ino loved Sakura from the bottom of her heart, but sometimes the other kunoichi could be a little dense for her age.
"I'm happy for you because I know it means a lot to you," she said, carefully scrutinizing her friend's beryl eyes. "But you realize ANBU life is dangerous, don't you? Even Naruto comes home bloodied-up sometimes – how close he's come to death from doing ANBU missions is something you know better than anymore." Sakura's eyes darkened at the memory. "You must understand that I'm just worried for you."
A twinge of uncertainty made Sakura's brows knit together. Of course she understood. Ino wasn't trying to make her feel insecure – her roommate was genuinely concerned for her, and her concerns were certainly valid…
Seeing the bleak expression on Sakura's face, Ino began to backtrack. "I didn't mean that you're not strong enough. You're freakishly strong, honey!" The blonde laughed airily, nervousness colouring her voice. "I'm just being dramatic – you'll be fine! Even the Hokage thinks you're capable." The blonde pointed towards a scrawled signature at the bottom of the parchment.
Sakura's spirits raised momentarily – her shishou had agreed to her assignment, meaning she believed Sakura was adept. Then she looked more closely and realized that the signature contained too many loops, which signified that Tsunade had been drinking heavily, something she did often while filling out paperwork.
She sighed.
"I understand the risks," she said to Ino as she set the parchment down on the table in their shared kitchenette. Ino chewed on her lip, eyes narrowed in concern as she swung open the refrigerator door and retrieved a carton of milk. "I read through the fine print on the application… Did you know it's still legal in Konoha to punish treason by using that person in any scientific experiments? You've basically donated your live body to research."
Sakura wondered idly if she could ever get her hands on one of those – antidote tests would be so much easier, and seeing a convicted traitor foam at the mouth after taking an antidote-in-progress was much better than seeing the same thing happen to a civilian.
While Sakura pondered the research advantages, Ino shuddered. "That's disgusting," she informed her friend as she poured two glasses of milk. "It sounds like something Kiri would do."
Sakura shrugged, and the two girls drank in silence for a while, lost in their own thoughts.
"I still can't believe it," Ino muttered. "ANBU pay is great and all, but I hope you know your love life is over as you know it, honey. No sane guy would date an ANBU girl – they're all crazy bitches, and most of them turn out to be like Anko. Not," she added as an afterthought, "that you had much of a love life to begin with, anyway."
Sakura's shoulders sagged even further. "Well," she said desolately, her thumb tracing circles in the condensation that beaded on her glass of milk. "I've got four weeks until ANBU work starts. Hopefully, while I'm drowning myself in alcohol, I'll meet the guy of my dreams … or at least get my first proper kiss." The time she'd tended to Lee after an injury when he'd sat up suddenly in bed, making their lips touch briefly, did not count.
There was a loud gasp, and Sakura looked up to see Ino's newly-brightened expression.
This couldn't be good.
"That's it!" the blonde exclaimed, standing up so abruptly that her chair fell over. Sakura cringed at the noisy crash – their downstairs neighbour (a connoisseur of ugly cats) was bound to come upstairs and complain about the noise again. "That's exactly it – we're going to get you experienced and worldly so if – kami forbid – you get killed on a mission, you can die a happy woman who's experienced orgasm at least once. Not a pathetic, twenty-year-old virgin." Ino rolled her eyes.
Sakura blushed; years of being around Ino and her promiscuous behaviour had not yet desensitized the pinkette.
But, if she had to be perfectly honest with herself, there was a small part of her (the remnants of Inner Sakura, her alter-ego and schizophrenic construct, cured by years of self-practiced psychiatric treatments) that was desperate to find out how exactly sex worked. It was the part of her that she'd repressed for years in order to attain her goals – now that she was a renowned kunoichi and medic-nin, she was sadly lacking in all areas pertaining to sexual experience. Since her childhood obsession with Sasuke had faded away, the last of it disappearing when he had tried to kill her that time on the bridge, she hadn't even had so much as a crush. (Now Inner Sakura finally decided to flare up in all her nude glory, having recently morphed into a crazed nymphomaniac.)
"I don't think I like where this is headed," she fibbed, the greater part of her still striving to appear chaste and unimpressed. Put simply, she was a sexually-frustrated, sexually-inexperienced closet pervert and prude.
"Nonsense," Ino said, a slightly manic light in her eyes. Perhaps they were both mentally unhinged – that was probable. The blonde came up behind her friend, placing neatly-manicured fingers on her friend's shoulders dramatically. "I, Yamanaka Ino, vow on my life that I will not let my best friend, Billboard-Brow, die a miserable virgin. By the time I'm through with you, every citizen of Konoha will know that you are not a wretched little virgin."
Sakura glared at her friend. "It's not like I haven't tried," she huffed indignantly. "And if I haven't even gotten my first kiss after twenty years, how are you going to get me laid in the next month?"
But if there was anything Sakura knew about Ino, it was that the girl couldn't shy away from a challenge. This was the last straw – now Ino was fully committed to the mission that was Defile Sakura.
"You underestimate my abilities," Ino said to her, very seriously. "Successive approximations, baby – you'll see. It'll work. But first," she whipped out a pen and flipped over the official ANBU document, "we're making a to-do list."
::~::
Hours and many discarded layers of Sakura's dignity later, the two girls stared down at their completed masterpiece in slight awe.
The backside of the expensive parchment that had informed Sakura of her acceptance into ANBU now adorned countless scribbles, crossing-outs, and blots of ink (where Sakura had forced Ino to stop writing). But on top of all the mess, they had their completed to-do list:
Sakura's To-Do List:
- Kissing (with tongue)
- Fondling (breasts and butt)
- Giving handjob (to ejaculation)
- Receiving handjob (to orgasm)
- Giving blowjob (swallowing optional)
- Receiving oral sex (to orgasm)
- Having sex
She and Ino looked at each other, nodding grimly as the gravity of the matter set in for both of them.
With a slight tremble, Sakura picked up the pen, scrawling in a last point on the list.
- Falling in love? (Optional)