Shepard had awakened.
No one would ever suspect by simply looking at her. As yet she was motionless. Her breathing remained regular.
All of her turmoil was internal. Like fish swimming beneath the surface of a still pond, the activity boiling through her mind remained hidden, unexpressed.
It wasn't that she'd lost a teammate. Well, it wasn't only that. She'd lost soldiers under her command before. She'd even lost soldiers because of commands she'd given. This was the first that that she'd never known in advance that would be the result. She'd never deliberately given an order before knowing that it wasn't high risk, but would definitely lead to a soldier's death. To a specific soldier's death.
She had selected Ashley to die. Shepard had thought that pulling the trigger on Benezia had been difficult. At least that had been a decision made under fire and all the soul searching had come after. In this case Shepard hadn't even been threatened. She'd calmly and collectedly chosen who in her team was going to survive, and who wouldn't.
If anything, it was worse that it had been Ash. The Chief had no problem with a martyr's death; in fact she practically yearned for it. One might presume she even believed it necessary, one last sacrifice required to regain the honor of her family. Knowing Williams' feelings on the matter only increased Shepard's already intense feelings of guilt. Not that the commander didn't respect Kaidan, but Shepard felt that his typical deference to her made him kind of a pushover. Ash had challenged her, reminded Shepard of herself when she had been a noncom. Shepard had seen a great deal of potential in Ashley; potential that would go forever unrealized.
Now Williams was just one more ghost. One more individual Shepard owed penance for not being able to save them. Her family, soldiers and civilians on Elysium, Benezia and all the acolytes killed on Noveria, now joined by Ashley, taking her place in a multitude of spectral judges, ready to condemn her for her actions, her decisions, her failures.
'Enough!' This wasn't solving anything. This wasn't even like her, to wallow in regret over choices past. 'The Council, that's what's making this worse. Damn them for not believing me.' Usually Shepard could turn to action to overcome the shame and regret over those unsaved. She was always one to be charging into battle, vanquishing evil, protecting the weak, avenging the lost. And afterwards, when there were letters to be hand delivered to next of kin, events to personally take responsibility for, she was there for that too. Action was more her style, who she was. Time to get back to it. The Council may not have given her leave to go to Ilos, but they hadn't expressly forbidden it either. "If you believe Sovereign is the real threat, you must take whatever action is necessary to stop it" Valern has said. That suited her just fine. She was ready to get back to leading from the front.
She needed to shake this negative mood. Suddenly she grinned wickedly. She was struck with a idea that would pull both the crew and their commander out of this funk. All she needed was a certain Krogan. Thus galvanized, she tightened her muscles in preparation of motion, squeezing her pillow in the process. For an instant she was rewarded with a light scent like cinnamon carried on a sea breeze. It struck her as incongruous for a moment. It almost smelled like...
Shepard's eyes flew open.
Liara's lab. She was in Liara's lab.
Shepard stood up quickly, almost catapulting herself from Liara's cot. So distracted had she been that she hadn't even noticed the difference in sleeping surface. She hurriedly looked around and saw no trace of the young Asari. Despite her embarrassment, for a moment the emptiness of the room left her crestfallen. The chronometer on Liara's desk displayed an unpleasantly early 02:49, unsurprising as Shepard had not yet fully adjusted from Armali time.
'If I'm awake, she might be too. Or... she slept somewhere else?' Her sleep-addled brain still coming to grips with her unexpected location.
Suddenly memories of a few hours ago flooded her mind. She remembered her anger, her mounting frustration as she had made her traditional post mission rounds below deck. Kaidan and his nearly ceaseless lamenting of not being able to live up to Ashley's sacrifice. She had comforted him as best she could, but he was obviously going to need assistance getting his confidence back. Wrex had likewise been blind to her suffering, instead demanding reassurances that Shepard was certain she'd done the right thing in the destroying Saren's base. It had taken a great deal of effort to prevent her anger at the question from becoming evident. Still, she recognized that if anyone had sacrificed more than she with the destruction of the base, it had been Wrex. She allowed him his frustration even as she suppressed her own lack of the very certainty he demanded.
Despite his sincerity, even Captain Kirrahe's long-winded gratitude had rung hollow in her ears. Although convinced of his veracity, she had seriously considered acting on her desire to throw the Salarian officer's platitudes back in his face. STG or no, at the moment she associated him with the Council, and her feelings about them were currently far from positive. Only Garrus had required nothing from her. His solemn nod and firm grasp of her shoulder silently communicating his understanding and acknowledgement of her pain, even as they discussed the tactical repercussions of the mission. The man might have a difficult time with shades of grey, but he understood a warrior's burden.
Finally Joker. Joker, who had almost been an afterthought in her post-mission rounds, included this night because of the role he'd played in their escape. Joker had made no attempt to hide his anger at Shepard's decision. Joker instead had questioned how Shepard could have sacrificed the Chief, questioned if it was because Ashley had the misfortune of not being in the circle of people Shepard actually cared about, as opposed to being just one of those given lip service about loyalty. It didn't help that the questions he raised were the same ones she has been asking herself. When Joker finally ran down from venting his anger, Shepard reiterated as strongly as she could that she missed Ash too. Joker had simply turned away without comment. She knew it was too soon to expect more. She'd already asked Karin to visit him later. He would likely respond better to Dr. Chakwas while his grief was this raw anyway.
Still, the interaction with Joker had been her breaking point, her time in the cockpit including the moment when she simply couldn't tolerate any more. She was already furious. She was furious at herself, at Saren, at the situation. She'd needed a break from maintaining a positive front for the crew before she'd been tempted to say or do something she'd regret. However when she left the cockpit, it wasn't her cabin that was her destination. Nor had she proceeded to the cargo bay for one of her quick, intense workouts. Instead Sarah had almost instinctively sought out Liara. There had been no thought to propriety, to decorum. By reflex she'd made a beeline to the medbay as if she were following a homing beacon. She hadn't cared that Dr. Chakwas had seen her; she passed the doctor without a word as she burst into the lab, diving onto the blankets as if she did it every night. She'd fallen asleep in Liara's bed, agitation finally soothed by the ataractic effect of Liara's touch.
She glanced back at the rock hard Alliance issue cot - where she'd just had her best sleep since before Noveria. She closed her eyes in acknowledgement that it wasn't the cot that had restored her to a more collected demeanor. She ran her hand through her hair, remembering the sensation of Liara's fingers playing with the strands.
Shepard took a deep breath. Liara had surely been confused and dismayed by her actions. She should have come to comfort the maiden, and had no right to have expected that comfort from her instead. At the very least she owed Liara a heartfelt apology for taking advantage of her compassionate nature. She gathered her thoughts to prepare for possible scenarios. She needed to say something to the young Asari, and better to say it in private, before the crew was awake. First step, where had she gone? Sarah's thoughts ran to images of Liara continuing her Prothean research on the terminal in the medbay, Liara having tea in the mess, Liara asleep... in Sarah's cabin? She quickly banished that last from her mind.
Rallying the crew for a mission to Ilos would wait for the start of daywatch anyway. She had to put things right with Liara. Objectives prioritized, she opened the hatch from the lab to the medbay, and immediately encountered the object of her search.
Liara was off to her right, on the bio bed closest to the lab. She was lying facing Shepard and wearing a dark grey navy issue t-shirt and shorts. The maiden had wrapped herself tightly in one of the medbay sheets, and had a small bandage high on her forehead, just below her crestline. Shepard blinked, her conscience stricken. She hadn't even been aware that Liara was injured. What the hell kind of commander was she?
Her original intent of discourse forgotten, Shepard started to walk over to the bed. She'd only taken a few steps when the coolness of the deck prompted her to look down at her bare feet. Looking behind her revealed her boots placed neatly under the edge of Liara's cot, next to the maiden's own. Shepard returned to the cot and retrieved her socks from inside the boots, quickly putting them on, but carrying the boots as she resumed her journey to Liara's side.
Shepard didn't know how long she stood over the maiden, looking down at her, losing herself in the Asari's beauty, but it was long enough for her neck to stiffen. As she rubbed the soreness away she again tried to understand what had happened the last several weeks. Ever since Therum, her feelings for Liara had grown stronger, more insistent. It was unlike anything she'd previously experienced. She shook her head in a vain attempt to clear it. Eventually she tore her attention from the maiden, and looked around to verify they were alone in the medbay. Dr. Chakwas was not on duty, and apparently there had been no injuries on Virmire severe enough to require observation.
Satisfied with their privacy, Sarah returned her gaze to Liara, again trying to put words to her emotions.
She cared deeply about her squad. There was almost nothing she wouldn't do for them.
This was different.
She looked to Captain Anderson as, if not a replacement for the father she'd lost, then the closest possible thing. He was mentor, friend, and confidante all in one.
This was different.
The affection she held for her crewmates on the ship were bound by the same transitory essence of all friendships between soldiers. The nature of battle was such that people became very close, very quickly. When it was time to move on, you said your goodbyes and made new friends where you ended up being stationed.
This. Was. Different.
The ties had grown just as quickly, but the feelings were not the same. Sarah knew what they were, but Shepard was still hesitant to give voice to them.
She took a deep breath. Then another.
'Do something,' she practically screamed at herself, yet she remained motionless.
'You have to tell her,' she thought, but no words came.
Her shoulders slumped. No, she didn't have to tell her, she guiltily realized. She'd had no right to come to Liara like she had. Liara needed someone to take care of her, not take advantage of her. Seeking her out tonight had been taking far too much of a liberty, and had probably cost her any respect that the maiden might have had for her. She sighed. She wanted this, she was able to admit that, but it wasn't fair of her to impose those desires onto Liara.
She glanced around the medbay again, as if someone could have could have entered unobserved while she stood motionless over the sleeping maiden. Reassured one last time that they were alone, she bent and gently kissed the young Asari on the cheek. Her lips barely made contact with the perfect blue skin, a butterfly's wingtip of a kiss. She pulled back, and after she was certain that Liara remained asleep, Shepard turned and quietly tiptoed out of the medbay.
As the hatch hissed closed behind the commander, the corner of a pair of dark purple lips curled upward in a half smile.
Shepard had of course been observed the entire time.
.o0o.o0o.o0o.o0o.o0o.
Liara crossed her legs as she gently sipped her tea. "Goddess, Humans can be confusing."
"In what way now my dear?" Dr. Chakwas' focus remained on her pad, not looking up at her companion, who was fidgeting lightly on the other side of her desk.
Liara shot the doctor a mildly impatient look before taking a breath to compose herself. "No, I apologize Karin, you first. How was Lieutenant Moreau?"
Chakwas looked up with sadness in her eyes. "I'm sure you can guess from Sarah's behavior that their discussion last night didn't go very well. He's angry. He's grieving. I don't think he really blames Shepard for Ashley's death, but she made a convenient target for his despair. Even if he doesn't believe it, Shepard was more than willing to take full responsibility for his suffering. He needs time."
"I am so sorry Karin. I did not realize he and Ashley had become so close."
"It was surprising, but they had more in common than you might suspect. As a pair of outsiders, he with his affliction, she with her family history, they apparently had something they could bond over."
"That... does not sound very healthy."
"Well, I don't think either of them were known for making the best possible life choices. Again, he needs time."
"Has Shepard been to see him today?"
"No, I suggested that she give him a day or two to cool down. He doesn't need any reminders of Virmire for the time being." Chakwas paused, and tried to put a happier tone in her voice. "Speaking of Shepard, I assume she is the reason for your irritation?"
"I am not irritated with her Karin, I just don't understand her behavior. She knows that I wish to talk with her, but she has managed to avoid me all morning."
"In her defense, she has had rather a busy morning, don't you agree?"
Liara conceded the doctor's point. The first thing this morning, Shepard had called for a crew assembly over breakfast. As soon as everyone had gathered the commander announced her plan to make a run for Ilos. Given both the crew's desire to avenge Chief Williams, as well as the widespread perception that the mission was nearing a conclusion, the proclamation had been a popular one. The crew's enthusiasm had been contagious, and even Liara had felt it strongly.
Unfortunately, that plan only lasted until Shepard made it as far as the galaxy map. As soon as she was ready to approve the Mu Relay as their intermediate destination, Joker had received a recall order from Ambassador Udina. The Citadel had received Shepard's official report on the Virmire engagement. In response, the Council had announced they were massing a fleet to combat Saren, and Shepard's presence had been requested for an intelligence debrief. Technically, Udina couldn't order Shepard to do anything, either based on her status as an Alliance officer, or as a Spectre, but Shepard wanted to be part of that mission, and had ordered an immediate return to the Citadel.
Shepard had been in motion ever since. First she was working with Adams and Tali in engineering on feasible ways to improve power output. Then she was talking to Garrus about potential modifications to the main battery. She spent a significant amount of time in the cargo hold with the STG team; practically designing a new school of close combat tactics based on the stealth characteristics of the Normandy. Captain Kirrahe seemed virtually star struck when their marathon session was over.
Now she was running Kaidan and his marines ragged, performing a series of repel boarders drills. The noise and confusion were why Liara and Chakwas had retreated from the mess in the first place.
At least Wrex was having a good time. Shepard had set up the teams as the entirety of the marine platoon against a boarding party consisting of Shepard and Wrex. The Krogan had thrown himself into the contest with abandon, and had been wreaking all kinds of havoc on the marines using various non-lethal implements. So far the score was Marines 0; Boarders (including one marine) 4. The STG team had been taking copious notes.
"Yes, she has been busy, but I would still like to talk to her."
Chakwas finished with the report she was working on, and slid another OSD into her pad. She already had a good idea what the maiden wanted to talk to the commander about. That would also be the same reason that Liara had been so obviously happy for the first time since leaving Thessia. "And what is so important that it can't wait until we dock at the Citadel?"
Liara's look changed from serene to incredulous. Karin had been there. "Last night of course." Liara was still euphoric. It had been the first time since coming back to the Normandy that Liara had finally seen the Sarah she remembered from Thessia. "She was so tired, so despondent, but she came to me." Liara paused, unwilling to reveal what she had seen in the meld, the time Shepard had spent watching her in the medbay, or the kiss. "She needed me."
Dr. Chakwas sipped her tea as she reflected that was probably one reason that the commander wasn't in a conversational mood. Shepard didn't show vulnerability easily. The fact she made it a point to expose that side of herself to Liara told her... well it told her that Liara was probably right about how the commander felt about her. That didn't mean that Shepard had yet come to terms with it, and it certainly didn't mean that she was ready to talk about it.
However, she also didn't want to burst Liara's mood. "Are you certain that now is the time Liara?" The doctor paused as the sound of a large crash permeated through the bulkhead, followed by assorted cheers. "Shepard seems to be trying to help everyone work through what happened on Virmire."
"Distract herself from what happened on Virmire you mean."
"I'm sure there is some of that as well. No matter what her other feelings, she's always going to feel responsibilities for her crew."
Liara would not be denied. "I am aware that Shepard has an overdeveloped sense of duty Karin. I also know that she has a responsibility to take care of herself as well."
Chakwas put her pad aside. "I can't help you with that one my dear. She checked out as fit for duty after Virmire." Another crash reverberated through the bulkhead, reinforcing the commander's current level of vigor. "My only recommendation to her had been to get some rest. You seem to have been able to help her with that."
"She just required assistance to relax."
"So you wish to talk to her about her relaxation regimen?"
"No..."
Dr. Chakwas smiled to herself. Apparently studying xenopsychology would have less relevance than she anticipated, even on a ship full of non-humans. Young love was young love. "I understand why you want to talk to Shepard about last night."
"Yes?"
"You're hoping last night might be the first step towards her being more open about a relationship with you."
Liara was slower to respond this time, waiting for the other shoe to drop. "Yes..."
Now Chakwas allowed her smile to show. "And given the events of last night, since you've let her know that you would like to talk to her, she probably knows why you want to talk to her, don't you think?"
"That is a reasonable assumption," conceded Liara.
So far so good. "Yet she has made it a point to remain otherwise engaged," continued Chakwas.
"She has." Liara gaze lowered as she started to lose some of her jubilance.
Chakras reached across the table and lifted Liara's chin. "Have you ever known Shepard to avoid something just because she found it unpleasant?"
"I have not."
"Have you ever known her to deliberately hurt anyone she cares about? For that matter, have you ever seen her not go out of her way to do what was right for anyone, not just those close to her?"
"Never."
"So if we assume that she is not avoiding your talk because it might be unpleasant, and that she would never deliberately hurt you, then her avoidance is possibly because she has an alternative in mind? Perhaps she'd prefer to have this discussion off the ship, or even has an alternative plan of her own?"
"That is not inconceivable." Liara's demeanor remained unchanged.
'Hypotheticals aren't working,' thought Chakwas. 'Time for blunt.' "Liara. It's obvious how she feels about you, and I get the impression that your abilities have given you even more insight into those feelings."
Liara only blinked in response.
"Because of how long I've known Anderson, I've known about Shepard for a long time. If she has a flaw, it's her self depreciating nature. She has built a pattern of rejecting recognition, admiration," Chakwas paused for effect, "and affection. She's never been in a situation like this, and she will find a way to convince herself that she isn't worthy of it, or of you. It might be because of her position as CO, because of the mission, or because you're practically Asari nobility, but she will convince herself."
"Karin, if anything, I am not worthy of her! She has done so much for me, she continues to do so much. I do not understand what you're saying. I do know she cares about me."
'Never in my life did I think I'd be giving advice to a lovelorn Asari.' "What I'm saying is that Shepard is going to need to be absolutely convinced that this is something you want as much as she does. If you wait for her to act on her feelings, it isn't going to happen. I'm not saying they'll go away, but all she'll be is conflicted between what she wants and what her morals will allow her to do. If you want this you're going to have to clearly and specifically let her know what you desire from her. Hints and euphemisms aren't going to work. Do you understand my meaning?"
For once, Liara didn't blush.
A/N: Assumptions here include:
FemShep/Liara (Not yet LI, but oh so close)
Later ME1 - after Feros, Noveria, Virmire and this is the 6th story of the Cari'ssi'mi series (Sorry, it probably makes sense to at least read Obligations first)
Shepard is:
Colonist / Vanguard / War Hero
This one took a little longer, and still ended up short. The next segment didn't quite line up with this one like I originally expected it to, so the break points between the chapters are skewed a bit from where I planned. (There was originally action in chapter one.)
As always, feedback is welcome and desired.