Thanks a lot for my wonderful beta and friend 'Musiclover14' I do not know what I would do without her advice.
This story came to my mind after a conversation I held with a three year old and after reading 'JWynn's' story "For you, a thousand times over"
The name of the story I got it from the song "When I look at you" by Miley Cyrus. The story is not based on it, but I think the title somehow fits.
Disclaimer: As always I own nothing. Except for the grammar mistakes that you may find, those are totally mine.
When I look at you
It has been only four months since she left their lives for good and he still felt so bad about it. There were times, like this Friday night when he spent his time sitting in his living room playing over and over the conversation he once held with Dave on the flight back home. There was a time when he thought that it was possible, that getting his family and his life back was a possibility, but now it was gone, because of his own mistakes and his bad judgment on the "Reaper's case" everything was gone for good, just like she was. His son was going to grow up without his mother and only because of him. No matter what everybody said, he was the one who killed Haley, maybe Foyet was the one who pulled the trigger, but it was him who led that psycho into his life and the one of his family's.
It does not matter what Dave said that day on the plane, he could have nothing of it, not anymore. Now he had to learn how to live as a single parent; he always knew that Haley was stronger than she looked, but he never realized how much until now. He knew that what he told her at the hospital about being her the one who was raising Jack practically by herself was true. He was never around because of the job and ironically it was the same job, the one that had taken away a very important part of his life, and he was not sure as to how should he face his life, their lives, from now on.
He was distracted from his thoughts by a soft knock on the door. He got up from the couch and looked through the peephole just to find a very familiar face. He looked at his watch, it was just after 9pm and he could not help but wonder what she was doing there. He opened the door and was greeted by a soft smile, the same smile that had warm up his days for the last couple of months and, truth be told, maybe the only thing that has been capable of making him feel not as bad in the entire world.
"Hi, may I come in?" Emily asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Erm, sure, sure. Sorry I was…" he trailed off.
"Thinking?" she supplied him.
"Yes, something like that," he offered, followed by a tight smile. How could she manage to know him so dam well, he did not know. Hotch hesitated a bit before trying to change the subject, he was not willing to burden her with his problems anymore. She noticed his change, but she was not willing to let it go that easy.
"Do you want to share it with me?" asked Emily.
"Not really," was all he said.
"Okay, considering we are not going to spend a lot of time talking, I just came to bring you this," she said offering him the paper bag she was holding.
"And what is it" he asked taking the bag from her and looking at its contents.
"Nuggets," she replied simply.
"Nuggets? Really?" He asked
She nodded her head enthusiastically
"Why"? he asked, a bit amused at her attitude.
"They are not just any nuggets Hotch, they are Mickey shaped chicken nuggets," she answered as if they were the most natural thing in the world. Not that they were weird or anything, but the man in front was looking so incredulous that she could not help but to laugh at his face.
"Why are you laughing?" he asked starting to laugh as well.
"Nothing" she said shaking her head in a negative gesture
"Well, now that you are not laughing maybe you can explain why you had to bring the nuggets," looking at her raised brow he hurried to explain. "Not that I'm complaining or anything. It's just that it is Friday night and instead of spending your time having fun or anything you are here, delivering nuggets? Why?"
"Well first, because I made a promise and second, because there is not a better place where I would like to be," she answered, the second part coming from her mouth as a whisper.
"A promise? To whom?"
"To Jack. Last weekend, when I was watching him at my place, he asked me to make him some Mickey shaped nuggets, but I had none of it. So I promised that the next time that we got together I was going to have his chicken nuggets ready and tonight that I went to the market to buy some stuff for my house, I saw them in the freezer and I figured that they would make him happy. So I bought a couple of boxes, one for you and the other for my house," she replied, her bright brown eyes looking at him.
Looking intently at her, he said "I think he blames me you know?" then he shifted his glare to the floor.
"What?" she asked brows furrowed. "Who?"
"Jack," Hotch said simply.
"But why would he do that?"
Hotch's eyes were red and she noticed that the words were struggling to get out of his mouth, "For his mother's death," he managed to say.
"What? No!" she replied incredulous at his words.
"He…He has been more quiet lately," Hotch said, finally meeting her gaze.
What she saw at that moment was heartbreaking, she has seen him sad and cry more in the past few months than she has done in all the years they've met, but right now, his eyes were full of a mix of sadness, pain and defeat that she could not quite explain.
She bitted her lower lip not knowing exactly what to say to the man she cared so much for. Shaking her head in a negative gesture she took a couple of steps toward him.
"Oh, Hotch, that is not true. He loves you and he will never blame you for that. Plus, he is only a little boy, there is no malice in him," she said, stepping a bit closer to him. "there is no reason for him to blame you for what happened".
"I know, but…sometimes I do not know what to think."
She tentatively placed one of her hands on his shoulder, trying to somehow make him feel better.
Just in that moment, they heard a soft noise coming from the corridor.
They both turned their heads to determine what had caused the noise when they saw Jack. Wearing his cars pajamas and holding one of his stuffed animals with his left hand, and rubbing his eyes with the other.
Gaining some sort of composure, Hotch went to his son and picked him up.
"What's up buddy?"
"Nothin'," was all Jack said but it was obvious for both adults that something was wrong.
Ruffling his hair, Hotch told him, "Look who is visiting us."
"Hi," Jack said waving his little hand at her.
"Hello, honey, how are you?"
"Fine" he said, shifting his attention to his stuffed animal.
Looking at Emily, Hotch sighed and turned to look at Jack, "How about I take you to your room and read you a story so you can get back to sleep?"
Jack moved his head in a negative gesture.
"I want Miss Em'ly to read me a story," Jack said, still focused on his stuffed animal.
"Do you mind?" Hotch asked her.
"Not at all," she moved from where she was standing and went to take Jack from Hotch's arms, so he was now securely in hers. "Let's try to get some sleep okay sweetheart?"
"Yeah," Jack nodded, burring his head I the crook of her neck.
Looking as Emily took Jack to his room Hotch could not help but feel a bit sad about it. Jack has never asked him to buy him Mickey shaped nuggets, he did not even know that he could was interested in them and now, instead of letting him take him to bed, he chose Emily. Regardless of what his co-worker and friend said, something was wrong with Jack and he needed to know what it was.
So he went to Jack's room, but he stopped in his tracks when he heard him talking to Emily.
Emily was seated on the side of the bed and Jack was now tucked into it.
"So what do you want me to read you, buddy?"
"Dunno," he said shrugging his little arms.
"As long as you do not ask me to sing, everything will be fine." Her words actually made him smile,
despite the fact that it was late and he was tired.
"Kay."
"Okay, if you do not want me to read you and you do not want me to sing either, what do you want to do?" she asked him, caressing one of his cheeks.
"I want you to stay" he replied simply.
"That, I can do for you. Is everything okay, honey?" she asked looking at him.
Jack shook his head.
"What's wrong baby?"
"Nothin'" he replied closing his eyes tight.
"Are you afraid of something? Because you know that your daddy is right outside, you are safe."
Jack opened his eyes.
"What are you afraid of?" she asked him softly.
"The monsters. Mommy made them go away. I miss her."
"Oh honey, I miss her too," Emily nodded her head and offered him a small smile.
"Why?"
"What? Why do I miss her?" Emily asked him and Jack nodded his head, pressing his stuffed animal a bit more against his chest.
"Well, because she was special to all of us.
"Really?" his eyes brightened.
"Yes," Emily nodded. "Have you told daddy about the monsters and how much you miss mommy?"
"No," he shook his little head and started playing with his stuffed animal.
"Why, sweetheart, don't you think that your daddy would like to know what's wrong?"
"Yeah" his attention still fixated on his toy.
"Then, why don't you tell him?" she tried again.
"Because, I don't want him to be sad. Every time I talk about mommy he's sad and I want him to be smile."
"Is that the only reason why you don't talk to him?" Jack nodded his head a small pout showing on his face.
"But Daddy deserves to know how you feel, because he loves you very, very much and you know that he is not only your daddy, right? He is also your best friend and friends are always there when we need them ready to listen to us and to help us."
"Are you daddy's best friend?"
"Why do you ask?"
"Dunno"
"Well, I do not know if I am his best friend, but I can assure you that he is mine."
"You are," he said with conviction.
"What?" asked Emily.
"Daddy's best friend. He answered looking at her. Are you my friend too?"
"Of course, honey," she answered him with a smile. "Okay then, why don't you close your eyes and try to get some sleep, okay?"
"Kay, but are you staying?"
"If that is what you want. I'll stay until you fell asleep, is that okay?"
He nodded his head.
Emily bent down to give him a kiss on his forehead and he gave her a sloppy kiss on her cheek.
"Good night, buddy."
"Good night, Miss Em'ly."
Hotch could not believe what he'd just heard. Emily was right, his son was not mad at him; he was just trying to protect him. That was not Jack's job to protect him, but the other way around.
Making his way back to the living room he sat on the couch and waited for Emily to come back from Jack's room. A couple of minutes later, she came back, walking slowly and trying not to make any noise.
"He's finally asleep," she said with a smile.
"What did you guys talk about?"
"Hum, nothing," she lied, knowing it was not her whom he should have that conversation. "Considering that tomorrow is Saturday and that you do not have work to do, maybe you guys can spend the day together and talk. I think it will be good for the both of you."
"Yes, I guess you're right."
"Okay then, I've gotta get going, it is late and I really want to sleep more than the four hours I manage to sleep everyday" she offered him a tired smile.
"Why don't you stay? I mean, you can use the spare bathroom."
"Thank you but no, we both know that if I stay we will spend the night talking and neither of us will be able to get some sleep and God knows we need it, especially you."
Before heading to the door she turned around, "You know? That little boy inside that room loves you more than you can imagine and he thinks you are the most wonderful person on earth, not that I blame him of course. Stop thinking too much, tomorrow things will be different and you'll see, eventually, everything will be much better."
"Emily," he reached to grab her hand in his. "Thank you."
"Do not thank me, that's what friends are for right?"
They stared at each other for a moment and that's when he realized why his gaze has been drawn to hers more often, he did not knew why, but now he was getting it. He felt safe and content when she was around. He could swear that he even felt stronger and…he dares to say, happy?
"I have to go," she said giving him a tight smile which brought him to reality.
Just before she closed the door behind her she heard his voice calling for her "And Emily….Jack is right," he smiled at her, and it was the first time she saw him smile like that in quite a while.
She returned the smile nodding slightly, "Good night, Hotch."
Just after the door was closed, he headed to his bedroom; this was probably going to be the first night in which he was certain that his promise to Haley could be fulfilled. Just like Emily said, maybe not now, but in time, he would be able to teach, and most important to prove to Jack the importance of love and to be loved.
The end.