A/N: We don't own. Don't sue us. We only own Alucard and the flock of geese. And Arthur.

Bartimaeus 4: The Dark Magician

Prologue: Nathaniel.

Crunching metal and breaking glass. Nathaniel was up to his ears in the stuff. As the Glass Palace crashed to the ground, Nathaniel knew he'd have to think fast if he wanted to survive. He searched in his pocket and pulled out a wad of bubble gum about the size of a basketball. He'd been chewing and adding to it since he'd been six years old, and it was his most cherished possession. (I know; he's a freak.) He quickly crammed the whole thing in his mouth (with some difficulty) and started chewing it (also with some difficulty. I mean, chewing 12-year-old ABC- already been chewed- gum can't be that easy). Finally it was soft enough to start huffing and puffing to blow a HUUUUGE bubble around himself. Try to picture a strawberry flavored pink force field. Like the ones in Star Wars.

When the bubble was big enough (a diameter of six feet and walls a foot thick. Well, it was a lot of gum) it started to float away, carrying Nathaniel to safety. As he was flying away from the wreckage, a mean ol' goose popped the bubble/balloon/force field with its beak. Geese have pretty sharp beaks, you now. Don't ever piss off a goose. It may just be the last thing you ever do…

Anyway, back to Nathaniel. The punctured bubble floated around the sky making a loud, unpleasant farting noise until it came to rest in a pine tree. With points. Very sharp points. The mean ol' goose, who had followed him across the sky, landed on the tree and started pointing and laughing (well, not so much laughing as quacking) at poor Nathaniel.

Well, Nat had been having a rough day so far. You know, being beat up by Nouda, almost crushed by a palace, dismissing his friend (of course Nathaniel wouldn't admit to himself that Bartimaeus was a friend.), and now this. A GOOSE, for crying out loud. So, he used his magic to roast the goose. Now he was the one laughing.

Unfortunately for him, the goose's flock had been watching the entire time. Yes, Nathaniel had pissed off the geese. Not just one goose, but the whole flock. Poor guy. Nathaniel noticed that they were all giving him THE LOOK.

"Uh Oh…" he said "I pissed off the geese."

The geese began to get in their V-Shaped Attack Formation, with the goose's mother (let's just call her Mother Goose) on point.

"ATTACK!" she honked "AVENGE OUR FALLEN BROTHER! ON THIS DAY IT WILL RAIN HUMAN BLOOD ON THE FOREST BELOW US!"

Of course, Nathaniel didn't understand any of this. What he heard was more along the lines of"

"HOOONK!! QUACK BOCK HONK HONK QUACK SQUAWK! MOOOOOOOO! OINK OINK WOOF MEOW suqeeak!"

(This was a multilingual flock, of course).

"YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME YOU DUMB CHICKENS?" Nathaniel cried "COME AND GET IT! I COULD TAKE YOU DOOFUSES...eses… doofusi? Whatever. I COULD TAKE YOU…ERR...LOSERS ANY DAY OF THE WEEK! WITH BOTH HANDS TIED BEHIND MY BACK! I LAUGH AT YOU, YOU BEAKY-FACED HONKERS! HEAR ME? HAHAHAAAA! STUPID NINNIES!"

Now he was really doomed. The geese charged, Mother Goose in the lead, at poor Nat. He tried to get his hands free so he could fry the whole flock, but then he realized that the gum and tree sap had stuck both of his hands behind his back. And he was upside down.

"Oh &$!" he cried "I HATE dramatic irony!"

"HA HA!" Mother Goose honked. "You could beat us with both hands behind you back, eh? Well, we'll just see about that!"

Of courses, she didn't say this in English. She spoke a mixture of goose, cat, pig, dog, giraffe, turtle, fish, emu, and alien. Plus a bit of llama.

The geese landed on Nathaniel and went for the eyes, pecking and pecking with their pointy goose-y beaks. Of course, Nat didn't take all of this quietly. No, he struggled against his gummy, sappy prison and shouted what must have been twenty minutes worth of unprintable potty-mouth-ish words. It was way cool!

Eventually, Nathaniel's struggling paid off, and he landed head first on the ground before rolling down a steep (almost 90 degree) hill, hitting his head on numerous things (including a rock, a log, a llama, a farmer, a racecar, and a grandfather clock), landing headfirst in a groundhog hole, being beat up and almost eaten by the groundhogs (he'd pissed them off too.), escaping from the hole, and finally landing in a river, which swept him off into the ocean, where he was lightly tapped on the head by a little bit of seaweed, which caused him to lose his memory.

When he lost his memory, he forgot to swim, which meant the he had to cling onto a piece of driftwood to stay above the water. Of course, after twenty minutes of vicious seaweed attacks, he forgot to hold on t the driftwood, and sunk beneath the waves.

A lousy end to a lousy day.

Fortunately, a shrimper (you know, like a whaler, only it catches shrimps) was passing by, and the captain saw this random dude (Nathaniel) sink, so he put in the shrimp nets to catch him….but he missed. So he tried again…and missed. So he sent his son Arthur to get the Dude. (Actually, sent is kind of a gentle term for what he did, which is threw his eight year old son). Arthur swam like The Hoff or Pamela Anderson or something in Baywatch.He caught Nathaniel, then started to swim back to the shrimper…

Where the Evil One, Alucard, was waiting.

Chapter one is done! R&R! no flames please:)