Disclaimer: Not mine
The Path to Healing 1/2
Ella Rabb was the image of her mother, dark chocolate hair and matching eyes, olive skin and a smile to melt the heart of any sailor. She was fiery and feisty and had inherited her mother's talent with time, although at the moment it was not as precise as her mother, but then that was to be expected of a five year old.
"Five years and three hundred and sixty days," she corrected when people called her a five year old. Mac could only smile with pride.
"Your birthday is only five days away, Ella," Mac said as she tucked her daughter into bed. "I think it's time we made some plans."
"Will daddy be home?" Ella questioned, tucking her doll in beside her.
"I don't think so, sweetie," Mac said with a sigh. "He doesn't think he'll get leave."
"In that case," she said, turning her back on her mother. "I don't want to do anything for my birthday."
"Okay, Ella," Mac said, kissing her head. "We'll talk about it tomorrow. Good night, sweetie."
Closing the door behind her, Mac drew in a deep breath. She hated what their separation had done to their daughter. All Ella knew was that her daddy was transferred to Florida, while she and mommy stayed in San Diego. The truth was, things had been on the rocks for a while and when the opportunity came for Harm take up the position of command at NS Mayport both he and Mac felt it was for the best if he went and she stayed.
He'd been in Florida for ten months, and while he made it back for Thanksgiving and Christmas, his visits west had been few and far between. Mac and Ella had been to Florida together once, Trish and Frank taking her on the four other occasions she'd visited and she'd loved it – especially all the theme parks which her devoted daddy took her too. He missed her so very much when she went home, almost as much as he missed her mommy.
Making her way to the study, Mac pulled out her briefcase and started work. Never one to shirk her responsibilities, Mac would have preferred to curl up with a book but even though she was now in command, there was still a mountain of paperwork which crossed her desk. The ringing phone rescued her from the drudgery and she answered it before checking the caller ID.
"Hey, Mac," Harm said, his voice tired and distant.
"Hey, Harm, how are you?" she asked sincerely, she still cared very deeply for him.
"Okay," he said with a sigh and Mac knew that meant he was anything but.
"What's going on?" she asked him, wishing she could see his face.
"I've tried a dozen ways to reschedule things but I can't," he said sadly. "There's no way I'll get there for Ella's birthday. I'm sorry."
"Me too," Mac replied with a sigh.
"How do you think El's going to take it?" he questioned, already knowing the answer.
"Oh, not well," Mac said honestly. "But I'm sure she'll come around."
"Thought as much," he said. "Judging from the email she sent me today."
"What did she say?" Mac asked, knowing father and daughter often sent emails and photos to each other and used Skype to chat.
"That she was only having a birthday if I was there, so if I couldn't make it not to send her anything," he said and Mac could hear the pain in his voice.
"Yeah, she said the same thing tonight," she replied, "I don't know how I'm going to talk her into celebrating."
"I'm really sorry," he apologised again.
"It can't be helped," Mac said, knowing her schedule meant she couldn't take Ella to see him in Florida.
"Yeah, I know," he said despondently. He hated this as much as he hated being on the other side of the country to his wife.
Their conversation continued with many trivial details of their lives, both missing the deeper connection they once had. Finally, Harm couldn't take it any longer.
"I'm sorry, Mac," he said interrupting her. "I can't do this...I can't ... It's too hard. I'm ..."
And then there was nothing, Mac was left wondering if the line had gone dead.
"Harm?" she called out tentatively.
"Yeah, I'm still here," he said and she swore she heard tears in his voice.
"Are you okay?" she asked, telling herself not to cry.
"No," he said. "No, I'm not. I hate this...I hate not seeing Ella every day, I hate not kissing her goodnight, I hate the fact she's turning six and doesn't want to celebrate because I'm here. I hate ... I hate listening to you talk about life there and I'm not a part of it. I hate I can't see you or touch you or hold you because I miss that so much. Despite everything that's happened I am still in love with you, Mac and ... god help me, Mac...this is killing me."
"Oh, Harm," she said, wiping at her eyes. "I hate it too."
And she did.
For every argument they'd had, particularly in the year before Harm transferred, Mac had a hundred happy memories. There had been frequent occasions since he'd gone that Mac had been awake all night trying to work out where it had all gone so wrong, if it had been so wrong. Yes, she conceded, the arguments had been worse after she miscarried but between hormones and emotions, she had to consider that Harm hadn't done much that was wrong. He had been in pain too; after all, he'd also lost a son.
"What do you want to do...about us?" she finally asked when all she could hear was crying down the phone line.
"I want us to be together and happy and a family," he said, trying to gain control of his emotions.
"That's what I want," Mac admitted. "How do we get it?"
"Gorgeous," he said, using the nickname for the first time in a year, "If I knew that we wouldn't be in this mess."
While nothing could be sorted with one phone call, Harm and Mac went to their respective beds feeling far more confident that they could work things through and be a family once more. Mac had been receiving counselling since Harm's departure, something she knew she should have done when she lost Callum at 29 weeks. She hadn't told Harm, she hadn't told anyone, she simply booked in evening sessions with her therapist on a Wednesday in the late afternoon and organised with Trish and Frank to have Ella over for dinner, telling them she was at the gym with her personal trainer.
During his time in Florida, Harm had sought out professional help too. As he didn't want to be seen as weak and in need of such services, he employed the services of a counsellor who made house calls and had a flexible schedule. Work pressures permitting, Harm saw his counsellor every two weeks, just as Mac saw hers. Neither knew that there sessions were both held on Wednesdays, Mac's at 1700, Harm's at 2000, meaning that, with the time difference, both were in counselling on opposite sides of the country at the same time.
The following day, Mac awoke in a much brighter mood than she had in a long time. Knowing it was due to the nature of the call with Harm, she knew she had to keep a lid on her own feelings because of Ella. However, being her mother's daughter, her intuition was strong and she knew something was different.
It was over breakfast she called her mother on her mood shift.
"Why are you so happy today, mommy?" she asked as she played with her toast.
"Because I had a good night's sleep," Mac replied and it wasn't a lie.
"And why else?" she probed, picking up her juice.
"Because it's your birthday in four days," she said, hoping her excitement would encourage Ella to be excited.
"Well, I'm not," she said before taking her glass and plate to the dishwasher and getting her school bag.
The drive to school was done in near silence and Mac tried every tactic to change her daughter's mood, alas it was to no avail.
"Remember grandpa will pick you up this afternoon," Mac said as she climbed out.
"I know," she replied. "So you can go to the gym."
"That's right," Mac said, and tonight's was the actual gym session, the counselling session having been the week before. "Have a good day, baby. Love you."
"Yeah, I love you too," she said before slamming the door and running off towards her friends,
"God, Harm, I wish you could come home for her birthday," she said to herself.
After a busy day and a vigorous gym session, Mac headed to La Jolla to pick up her daughter only to find Ella wasn't interested in coming home. In fact, she'd taken herself upstairs as soon as dinner was done, changed into her pyjamas and climbed into her bed. In her almost six years of life, Ella had spent a lot of time in this house and to her it was another home. She had clothes and toys and art work here, she even had her second favourite doll so it didn't matter if she had to stay overnight.
When Trish explained what had happened, Mac went up to investigated, surprised to find her daughter asleep. Feeling her forehead, she had to wonder if Ella might be ill.
"Mommy?" she mumbled, feeling Mac's touch.
"Hey, baby," Mac said, leaning down and kissing her forehead. "I didn't think you'd be in bed."
"I was tired and sad and wanted to sleep here in daddy's bed," she said and Mac knew why, this was Harm's old bedroom and the place where Ella felt the most connected to him.
"Okay, honey," she replied, not happy with the thought of going home alone but wanting to the right thing by her daughter, "I'm going to have some supper and then go home. If you change your mind you can come home with me."
"I won't change my mind," she said, her eyes closing once more.
"Okay," Mac repeated, knowing her daughter had inherited both her parents' stubborn streak. "Sweet dreams."
Entering her home alone, Mac ditched her briefcase, gym bag and uniform in their usual places before heading for a hot shower and changing into her pyjamas. Had she been going anywhere else for dinner she would have showered and changed at the gym, but it was just her in-laws and there was no standing on ceremony where Frank and Trish were concerned. Aside from Harriet, whom Mac had talked to at length after the loss of their baby and when Harm moved, Trish and Frank were the only other ones who knew Harm and Mac were separated rather than just at different duty stations.
On the day the now estranged couple had faced his parents and informed them of their decision, Trish had simply nodded and hugged and kissed her son and told him how much she loved him. Then she had turned to Mac and done the exact same thing reminding her that just because they were separated and Harm was living elsewhere, it did not change their love for her, or their opinion of her, they expected things to go on as they had been. It was an attitude that Mac had been appreciative of over the past year.
Towel drying her hair, she heard her cell ping telling her she had a message. Opening the screen she smiled when she saw it was from Harm. 'If you can, Skype me.'
Making herself a hot chocolate and grabbing the cookie jar, Mac headed to her bedroom with her laptop and turned it on. While it went through all its start up procedures, Mac settled herself into bed and waited patiently. Before long, she could see Harm's face and it made her smile.
"Good evening, Harm," she said, wishing he was in the room with her.
"Hi, Mac," he replied. "Are you in bed already?" he asked, surprised as it wouldn't have been 2100 on the west coast.
"Just climbed in," she said, "How was your day?"
"Much better after our conversation last night," he said, playing with his mug. "Sorry I was such a mess but thank you for understanding."
"No need to apologise, Harm," she said, "I think I've been a mess for a long time now."
Harm smiled; when he had said that, prior to his move, it had been the cause of another big argument.
"How's Miss Ella today?" he asked, looking at a photo of his precious daughter.
"Sleeping at grandma and grandpa's," she said before going onto explain the happenings of the night.
"Poor baby," he said, feeling sad at the news of his girl's sadness. "I so want to hug and kiss her right now."
"She wants that too," Mac said honestly. "I know you can't make it home for her birthday, Saturday, but any idea when you can get leave?"
"Maybe by the end of the month," he said, "Any chance you can come east?"
"Not for three or four weeks," she said. "I can ask your parents tomorrow if they can take Ella over on the meantime."
Harm half laughed, half sighed. "That would be good," he said with a nod. "As I want to see her desperately but, ah, I want to see you just as badly."
"Me too," she concurred. Skype was great but it was a poor substitute for the real thing.
They chatted away for another ninety minutes until Harm yawned once too often for Mac's liking.
"You need to get some sleep, sweetheart," she said tilting her head and watching him. "So I'll..."
"No, not yet," he protested, there was time for sleeping later. "I want to talk to you some more."
"Okay," Mac agreed. "Another thirty minutes and then bed, alright?"
"Alright," he agreed before they chatted for another two hours.
As she always did when her daughter slept at her grandparents' house, Mac dressed for work before driving to La Jolla for breakfast. When she arrived, she was surprised to find Ella still in bed asleep.
"I don't think she's all that well," Trish said, walking upstairs with Mac. "She was up a few times in the night and I told her I'd call you but she said no."
"Does she have a stomach ache or a temperature?" Mac asked, her hand on the door knob to the room.
"No," Trish said shaking her head.
"Then I think it's missing-daddyitis," Mac said as she opened the door. "Hey, baby girl," she said, spying her daughter sitting up.
"Hi mommy," she said opening her arms. "You're early."
"No, I'm not, you're just still in bed," Mac corrected hugging and kissing her girl. "Grandma says you didn't sleep well,"
"No, I didn't," she said sadly, tucking her head under Mac's chin.
"Bad dreams?" Mac suggested, hoping her daughter would offer some sort of explanation.
"No," she said with a sigh.
"Do you feel sick?" Mac asked before kissing her forehead and checking her temperature at the same time.
"No," she said with another sigh.
"Are you missing daddy?" Mac asked and Ella's big brown eyes filled with tears.
'Aha," she said before hugging her mommy once more.
"Oh, baby, daddy misses you so much too," Mac said, kissing her head. "Daddy and I were chatting on Skype last night and he was telling me just how much he missed being home."
In the background, Trish smiled; her daughter-in-law had just revealed two pieces of information which gladdened her heart. The first one was that they were actually speaking, Trish knew that they usually only talked when Ella was there. The second was Mac's use of the word 'home'. For the past ten months when Mac had tried to console Ella she had said that Harm had missed Ella, or being here, or La Jolla, or grandma and grandpa. She had never made reference to him missing home and she had to wonder if there was hope for the pair.
Thursday night, Mac texted Harm and asked him to call his daughter but her request went unfulfilled. There wasn't even a text to explain why he couldn't. Friday, Mac tried a couple of texts and phone calls to him none of which were answered either and she was left thinking he'd changed his mind about things.
"I called daddy but he didn't answer," Ella said holding up the cordless phone receiver. "I called him at home and at work and his cell and nothing."
"Maybe he's in a meeting, honey," Mac said sympathetically.
"At 2200 hours?" she asked, raising an eyebrow. She may have been only five and three hundred and sixty four days but she knew her daddy didn't have meetings at that time on a Friday night.
"Maybe he's asleep," Mac said, changing tactics.
"Maybe he just doesn't care," she said, slamming the receiver into its base and storming off.
"You son of bitch," Mac hissed looking at the phone. Now, not only did she have an upset daughter who didn't want to celebrate her birthday, now she also had one who thought her daddy didn't care.
"That has to be me you're talking about," Harm said from behind her causing her to jump. Quickly, she spun around. "Right?"
"What the hell are you doing here?" she challenged.
"I thought I'd get a better welcome than that," he said, having convinced himself that his actions to get here were going to be rewarded by the love he would see in his wife and daughter's eyes.
"Ella's been trying to call you for two days," Mac said, not moving from her spot. "She now thinks you don't care about her."
"Ella!" he yelled, knowing he had some explaining to do and hoping to just do it the once. "Ella! Daddy's home!"
"Daddddddd-ddddyyyy!" she screamed from wherever in the house she'd been and came charging back into the kitchen, throwing herself into her father's open arms. "I've missed you soooooo much!" she said, squeezing him tightly.
"Easy, easy," he said, hoping she didn't do more damage to his chest. "Surprise!" he said, pulling back and grinning at her.
"Are you here for my birthday?" she questioned and then proceeded to hug the stuffing out of him when he nodded. "That's so cool and now we can celebrate. Can't we, mommy?"
"Of course we can," Mac said, having made all the necessary birthday preparations just in case the birthday girl changed her mind.
"Oooh, it's so exciting," Ella said, before looking at her mother and realising Mac wasn't sharing her excitement. "It is exciting that daddy's home, isn't it, mommy?"
"It is," Mac said, not wanting to spoil her daughter's newfound good mood.
"You don't look excited," she observed as she climbed down from her dad's arms.
"I'm just a little surprised to see daddy home," she said, looking to her husband.
"Yeah, me too," Ella said before turning to face Harm. "So how come you're home?"
Taking Ella and Mac's hands he led them into the living room and got Mac to sit on the sofa before sitting beside her and putting Ella in his lap.
"Yesterday morning, I had to go to a doctor's appointment," he said quietly and while Ella nodded, Mac's heart began to accelerate. "And it was a check up and I thought it would all be over quickly but..." Mac's hand slipped into his, she wasn't liking this at all. "But, when I told the doctor about a lump I had he decided it had to come out so yesterday afternoon, I saw a surgeon and she took it out."
"Can I see?" Ella asked and Harm nodded, unbuttoning his shirt. "Does it hurt?"
"A little bit when it gets squished in big hugs but usually it's okay," he said, kissing her head.
"So did the doctor say you could come home?" she asked, gently touching the transparent dressing on the wound.
"He did," Harm said with a nod. "He said I should take it easy for a few days and I asked if it could be for a week and he said yes and so I am on medical leave until next Thursday."
"Does that mean you're here until Thursday?" she asked excitedly.
"Until Wednesday," he said. "I need to be back at work Thursday."
"Well, that's still good," Ella said. "Isn't it, mom?"
"Yes, it's still good," she echoed, wanting to ask the pressing question but not wanting to do it with Ella there. "How about you go call grandma and tell her to expect a surprise tomorrow."
"Can I tell her what the surprise is?" she asked jumping from his lap.
Mac looked at Harm and he nodded. "Sure," Mac said.
As soon as Ella had left the room, Mac squeezed Harm's hand.
"What was the lump?" she asked, her fingers still laced with his.
"Won't get the results until next week," he said, rubbing his thumb over the back of her hand. "Surgeon doesn't think it's anything but as it was on my rib and hurting a bit when I was doing weights, she figured it was better out than in," he said, pulling their joined hands into his lap. "Usually..." he continued, "I wouldn't have taken leave, it's nothing really, but my heart was in worse shape than my chest so I used it as an excuse."
"Are you sure it's as innocuous as you are making out?" she questioned.
"I promise," he said, producing a folded piece of paper from his pocket and handing it to her.
"What is it?" she questioned before smiling. What it was, was a note from his surgeon explaining it was most likely nothing and the lump was removed more for comfort than anything else. "You have a note from your doctor?"
"I thought you might need to hear it from someone other than me," he said, his free hand drifting up to caress her face. "I'm really alright. I just needed to be here."
"Good," she said with a sigh. "Because I need you to be alright and to be here."
"Does that mean I can kiss you, Mac?" he questioned quietly. "Because I really want too. I have missed you so much...I've missed us."
"I've missed us too," she said, creeping closer on the sofa.
"So, I can kiss you?" he asked, wanting permission before he did anything.
"Not if I kiss you first," she said moving forward and kissing him briefly.
One look into his eyes told her the brief touching of their lips did nothing to satisfy his need to kiss her, it hadn't done anything for her either. Running a hand up and around his neck, Mac drew him closer to her and kissed him more deeply, something to which he responded willing.
Before it could take on a life of its own, Ella came running back into the living room with the phone in her hand.
"Grandma says..." she started before realising what she was interrupting. "Ugh, grandma, they're kissing," she said into the receiver.
Trish grinned broadly, things were looking up.
"How would you like to celebrate your birthday here at my house?" Trish said, hoping to give the child's parents some time to themselves.
"Yeah, that would be good," she replied. "Can we use the pool and make it a pool party?"
"A pool party in March?" she asked. "Why not!" Trish said, more than willing to give her precious granddaughter anything she wanted.
"Ooh, thanks, grandma," she said, ignoring her parents in the process.
"Would you like to come over tonight and we can plan it?" Trish asked, hoping she was doing the right thing.
"Um..." she said, the answer was a hard one. Yes, she'd like to because now she was very excited about her birthday. No, she wouldn't because her daddy was home and she wanted to be with him. "Hold on, grandma."
"What does grandma say?" Mac asked, seeing the concerned look on her daughter's face.
"Grandma says we can have my birthday there and have a pool party," she told them.
"Is that what you want?" Harm asked, knowing his mother could hear this conversation.
"Yeah, I really do," Ella said grinning.
"Well, we can have it there," Mac said, just happy to have her daughter happy,
"But grandma wants to know if I want to go there tonight to plan it," she said. "And I'm a bit stuck."
"What are you stuck with, baby?" Harm asked as she climbed onto his lap.
"Well," she said before taking a deep breath. "I do want to plan it but I want to be here with you 'cos I've missed you heaps."
"Okay, let me speak to grandma," he said, taking the phone.
Moving Ella to his wife, Harm stood and took the phone into the kitchen. "Hi, mom."
"Hello, son, I'm glad you're home," Trish said.
"Yeah, me too," he said, smiling.
"Is this going to be a more permanent arrangement?" she asked, her fingers crossed in hope.
"We're working on it, mom," he answered honestly. "Look, about Ella..."
"I just thought you and Mac could use some time to yourselves," she said and Harm nodded.
"That would be nice but I think it's best Ella stays with us tonight," he said, while he wanted to continue things with his wife, jumping back into bed wouldn't erase the memories of the past few years and wouldn't fix things, they would have to do that by talking and taking things slowly. Besides, he wanted to be with his daughter when she woke up as a six year old.
"I understand," Trish said, and she did. "Do you still want to come here for her birthday?"
"I don't think you could keep us away," he said with a laugh. "And if you can convince Miss Ella to stay tomorrow night, I think we'd appreciate it."
After concluding the call, Harm returned to the living room to find his girls curled up together.
"I told grandma that I need you to stay here tonight as I have missed you so much," Harm said, sitting down beside them. "I hope that's okay with you, Ella."
"It's more than okay," she said, climbing into his arms before yawning.
"You're very tired, baby," he said, kissing her head.
"I know," she said, snuggling into him. "But I want to stay with you."
Leaning over, Mac whispered to Ella but did so at a volume that Harm could still hear.
"Why don't you ask daddy to put you to bed in our bed?" Mac said to her. "And then we can all sleep together and when we wake up it will be your birthday."
"Daddy," she said, patting his face to get his attention, which was currently directed at Mac. "Can you put me to bed in your bed so we can all sleep together?"
"I certainly can," he said, kissing her head before kissing Mac's. It had been ten months since he and Mac had shared a bed. Fourteen since they'd actually made love and while that wouldn't happen tonight, he was willing to take it one step at a time.
Once Ella was settled and asleep, Harm made his way back to Mac taking the time to look at the artefacts and pictures around. Most had been there for years but coming back under these circumstances he was appreciating them all the more.
"Can I get you something to eat or drink?" Mac asked, finding him in the hallway looking at a photo of Ella taken a few months back.
"I haven't seen this one before," he commented, pointing to the photo in question.
"I took that on New Year's Day," she said, picking up the photo. "We had been baking and Ella accidently upended the bowl full of flour and it looked so funny."
"Sorry I missed it," he said, taking the photo from Mac.
"Me too," she said sadly. "Come on," she said taking his hand, "Let's get you something to eat. I know you don't eat airline food."
Over a light supper of scrambled eggs on toast and fruit salad, Harm sat at the breakfast bar and chatted to Mac as she cleaned up.
"Aren't you hungry?" she asked when she realised he was playing with his food.
"Yeah, but I..." he started before his voice trailed.
"You what?" she asked, drying her hands on the towel and coming around to him.
"I..." He took her hands in his before drawing her closer and wrapping her in his embrace. Resting his head on her shoulder he drew several deep breaths.
"It's okay," she said, rubbing his back.
"I just need to hold you for a bit," he said, looking up at her sheepishly. "Is that okay?"
"Sure," she said, holding him tightly. "I've missed this," she said, kissing his head.
"There's so much I want to say," he said, his forehead pressed against hers. "So, much we should talk about..."
"I know," she whispered, "But we don't have to do it all tonight. Maybe we can get Ella to stay with your parents tomorrow night and some of Sunday ... and I can shuffle work around and give us a good chance to talk before you have to go back."
"That would be good," he agreed smiling. They were finally talking, really talking and that was enough for tonight.