It's a Trap, a naruto fanfic

Characters: Choji, Asuma, Ino, Shikamaru, Orochimaru, Anko, Shikamaru, Tayuya, Yondaime Kazekage, Gaara, Naruto, Jiraiya, Nii Yugito, Zetsu, Tenten, Neji, Chiyo, Minato, Kankuro, Temari
Summary: What Star Wars sounds like from the mouths of shinobi.
Pairings: NejiTen
Author's Note: Don't get me wrong; I love Star Wars. But you know, even the most serious quotes from those movies sound absolutely ridiculous coming out of the mouths of Naruto characters, so I'm going to label this parody. And for the record, let's just assume that Star Wars is a big thing in the Naruto world. Finally, the events of this story don't run in chronological order, and some of them don't happen in canon at all; please keep that in mind.
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or Star Wars.

"Kids, have you ever heard of a thing called the bell test?"

Choji flinches when Asuma asks his new genin that, with a particularly maniacal gleam in his eye. Yes, he's heard of the bell test. Yes, he's heard of that scourge to genin-kind. Yes, he's heard his father and his friends relate horror stories gathered over the decades, so yes, he's heard of the bell test.

Choji looks at his sensei. Then, he looks at Ino and Shikamaru.

Ah, Hell.

"I have a bad feeling about this," Choji mutters, as memory of exactly what he knows about the bell test comes back.

Beside him, Ino sighs. "Why does everyone always say that? I swear, Daddy thinks he has to say it at least three times a day."

Shikamaru shrugs. "Because, like Jedi, shinobi are somewhat prescient?"

"I have a bad feeling about this," Choji repeats, brow furrowing. He gets the distinct impression that he's about to get trounced. "It's a trap," he adds, to the rolled eyes of his teammates.

Orochimaru smiles genially as Anko twines the two snakes over their wrists. Murder-suicide; how charming.

Anko sneers triumphantly, her lip curling back to reveal teeth that glisten in the deep twilight. "When you left I was but the learner. Now I am the master."

And all the Snake Sannin can do is gape at her. He'd been aware that his charming former student had a bit of a thing for Star Wars, but truly, Orochimaru had had no idea she took this obsession to such unhealthy levels.

Really, Anko, really?

Orochimaru sighs. "Only a master of the melodramatic, Anko." And he proceeds to make sure she knows exactly what kind of fight she's gotten herself into.

"Wait, what?" The Sound nin known as Tayuya is starting to panic, Shikamaru notes with grim satisfaction, as her ability to move becomes increasingly restricted and she is soon bound to one position, unable to move at all. "It's impossible! Your shadow can't reach that far!"

"I find your lack of faith disturbing," Shikamaru mutters, smirking. "Kage Kubi Shibari no Jutsu!"

It doesn't work. Of course it doesn't work; Shikamaru didn't have enough chakra for it to work. He didn't have enough chakra, and he ends up nearly getting stabbed in the belly by one troublesome girl and saved by an even more troublesome girl.

But it was worth being able to use that line on someone out of earshot of his mother or Ino.

The Yondaime Kazekage stares sternly at his men as he readies to send them out to bring the missing nin back to Sunagakure. These are the best men he has, but they're all known for being a bit… eccentric (extreme in their methods is an operable description as well), and he's a bit worried about how things are going to go.

"Listen to me, all of you." He paces around them—no formal robes today, but no one can mistake the air of command about him. "I know you all. You're some of the best shinobi in Suna, but you all have trouble with restraining yourself.

"I will say this but once: I want the defector alive. We need to know just how much he's told Iwa. No incineration." This is addressed to Akitora; he nods. "No torture." To Matsuda. "And no disintegration." The Yondaime looks down and, holding a finger perilously close to his face, glares at a nine-year-old Gaara.

Gaara momentarily looks at the finger as though he'd like nothing better than to rip it off, but when he meets his father's gaze his eyes are almost frighteningly mild. "As you wish."

The Yondaime bites back a sigh (That would be beneath him), as he watches the group of three leave the village. Considering who he's just sent out, the defector will likely be returning to Sunagakure in a matchbox.

"Come along, my young Padawan," Jiraiya calls with an air of supremely irritating nonchalance as they hike across rocks and foothills, delving deeper into Kaminari no Kuni.

From ten yards behind him, Naruto starts to fume again. "Stop calling me that! Until I see a lightsaber on you, you're not a Jedi!"

"And until I see identification on you, you're not Kumo nin either," a new, soft and distinctly female voice interrupts.

Naruto catches up to Jiraiya and sees who the newcomer is: a tall, slim young woman with long blonde hair and a Kumo hitai-ate; Wow, she kinda looks like me, Naruto registers dimly. Her arms are folded across her chest and there's a katana at her hip.

"Identification, please," she tells them both flatly.

It takes no small amount of restraint for the Leaf genin to bite back a snicker when beads of sweat start to appear on Jiraiya's brow. He passes a hand in front of the Kumo kunoichi's pale face. "You don't need to see our identifications."

She raises a single eyebrow. "Uh-huh. Come along, gentlemen, you need to be processed." She crooks a finger at them both.

Jiraiya grins nervously and tries again, raising his hand once more. "You don't need to see our identifications."

Deciding she's had enough, the kunoichi peers around Jiraiya's great bulk to lock eyes with Naruto. "Does he always do this?" she asks, a small bite of impatience entering her voice.

Naruto nods, rolling his eyes long-sufferingly. "Yes."

In the end, the three meet a compromise. Nii Yugito and Uzumaki Naruto team up in tying up Jiraiya and carrying him back to Kumogakure, and due to Naruto's cooperation no charges are pressed against them and they're allowed to stay in Kumo for a month.

Naruto grins like a maniac as he stares at the army of Zetsus in front of him. Oh, this is going to be so much fun. He came for a fight and by God he is going to get a fight.

Tenten, on the other hand, doesn't quite share his enthusiasm.

Still clutching that odd-looking fan (Naruto can't see what it's value is as a weapon but if Tenten's using it the thing must be good for something), Tenten whirls around between taking out Zetsus and screams, "Are you insane? Do you have any idea what the odds against you are?"

Uzumaki Naruto, Toad Sennin, jinchuuriki of the Kyuubi no Kitsune and all-around acclaimed butt-kicker, has but one thing to say to her. "Never tell me the odds! Tajuu Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!"

Looking at the two hundred Narutos who have suddenly appeared out of nowhere, Tenten shakes her head and pinches the bridge of her nose. "Oh my."

Funny; never really figured it would end like this.

That's a truly anticlimactic thing to say as one is going to his potential death, Neji decides, but it's the only thing that fits. He certainly didn't think that the way he might potentially meet his death would be when Iwa nin were trying out an experimental seal on him. If all goes well he'll be sealed into the block of stone he's tied to. If not, he'll most likely end up dead.

Neji's beginning to wonder if the Iwa nin ripped off The Empire Strikes Back. If so, well…

Tenten shoves her way in front of the guards, and she seems eager to role play from the movie.

"I love you."

Well, that certainly isn't surprising. The Iwa nin picked to perform the seal start to get into position and the guard secures her once again. Funny… She kinda looks like Princess Leia, too.

In that case, Neji can think of only one thing appropriate to say.

"I know."

And beyond that, there is only darkness.

I wonder if I get to knock Boba Fett into a Sarlacc when I wake up.

…If Lee shows up in black and tries to do Jedi mind tricks on people I'm going to commit seppuku

…On the other hand, if I get to see Tenten in that get-up…

Naruto grits his teeth as he and Chiyo continue to pour chakra into Gaara's stiff, lifeless body. It… hurts, he's surprised to note. He didn't think something like this would hurt so much as it does. But still, if it will bring Gaara back…

When he looks up to look up at the old woman sitting opposite him, Naruto frowns. "Baachan, you don't look so good."

Chiyo's heavily lined face forms a wry smile, her dark eyes crinkling half-shut. "When you get to be nine hundred years old, you won't look that good yourself, brat."

I don't believe it. Naruto repeats that thought out loud. "I don't believe it," he mutters, staring incredulously at the old Suna kunoichi and sealing master. My God, not another one. I thought Ero-Sennin was the only one who spouted these awful lines.

Chiyo frowns. "What?"

"You're just like Ero-Sennin," Naruto mutters, looking again at Gaara's face. Come on, buddy; pull through. "You both love quoting Star Wars. The only difference is he's Ben Kenobi and you're Yoda, and you don't talk like a weirdo when you do Yoda. I swear, just because I've got blond hair and blue eyes everybody thinks I'm Luke Skywalker. I don't know how to use the Force and I'm sure as Hell not here to rescue the princess, so why…"

Then, it occurs to him what happened to Yoda not long after he said those words to Luke Skywalker.

He looks up again. "Baachan…"

Chiyo doesn't answer.

Naruto swallows. "Baachan?" he asks hoarsely.

A soft laugh pierces the air. "Do or do not. There is no 'try'." She wears an expression of such serenity as Naruto has never before seen on the face of a shinobi.

She looks so… peaceful.

Damn… Just like Yoda.

Deep within the bowels of the Kyuubi's realm, Naruto never expected to find his father. Here is a face that Naruto never expected to see at all. He never expected to meet either one of his parents and, when he did, well…

He didn't expect his father to be the Yondaime Hokage.

But, now that he thinks of it, there is a certain resemblance borne between them.

Okay, there's a huge resemblance between them, and Naruto's an idiot for not having seen it before.

"Well, it's nearly time for me to go." Minato smiles, and when he puts his hands on Naruto's shoulders Naruto doesn't think he's ever felt so accepted in his life. The smile on his father's face grows considerably more gentle. "The force will be with you. Always."

Picked it up from Ero-Sennin, I bet.

"Goodbye, son."

It feels so good to be called son.

Naruto's smile shakes a little bit. "Bye, Dad."

Dad can pull off the Star Wars quotes loads better than Ero-Sennin or Chiyo-baachan.

Gliding across the snow on the way back from the Land of Iron, Gaara, Temari and Kankuro have occasion to mull over the frankly frightening developments of the Kage Summit. They are, of course, referring to the revelations they have come to via one Uchiha Madara.

The mood is serious until a wisp of cloud floats away from the moon. Kankuro looks up and sniggers.

"That's no moon."

Temari rolls her eyes and snarls. It was funny the first time—hilariously funny, though Temari suspects that the reason she was laughing so hard was probably due to the catharsis effect. And it was funny the second time too. But by the third time, it was wearing thin, and by the fourth…

Well this is the twelfth time, and it's not funny anymore.

"That's it!" she snaps, and glares fiercely at Gaara. "We are never letting him watch Star Wars again!"

Gaara nods. He knows better than to argue with her during times like this.

All the while, he finds himself resisting the urge to mutter I'm not a committee. And the oddest part is, he has no idea why.