Setting: A month after the rape, Jacqui's thinking about that night.
Disclaimer: I do not own Hollyoaks, or any of the characters used in this story.
Notes: This is my first Hollyoaks fanfic ever so bear with me, I find it really difficult to write for the show (not sure why) but there are no Jacqui fanfics on here and I thought she deserved it because she is such a fantastic character.
All in Jacqui's POV, the views aren't necessarily my own views of what happened.
Rating: T – There is a tiny bit of language, but I tried to stay away from mature details as much as possible.
I stared at the glass on wine in front of me, I could barely see it. The outline of it blurred into the red-ness of the colour of the wine, from where I'd been crying. The fluid was filled up in my eyes. I blinked several times, letting a few tears drops escape as I took the glass in my hand, taking it carefully up to my lips and sipping it as I listened to what Gilly had to say. He'd told me Rhys wasn't there and wouldn't be back all night. I presumed he was probably off with Cheryl again, wouldn't have surprised me. Gilly sat next to me, staring. Rhys' best and only friend. I'd grown to know him well, especially after the death of Steph. But why did I agree to stay there with him? Why? I ask myself that almost every hour of every day. If I hadn't then, well, I wouldn't be writing this now, would I? I spilt my heart out to him, I remember that, I may have been drinking but I remember that clearly. He was being reassuring, telling me exactly what I wanted to hear, that Rhys and I would sort things out, just little words that made me feel that little bit better. All that bullshit must've just been to pull me in, pull me into his little, disguisting plan.
Everything was spinning. I kept imagining Rhys and Cheryl together, kept imagining them laughing, kissing, touching each other. Why wouldn't he tell me? Over two months he kept it quiet. Two months! I continued to down the wine, I had to get rid of these images in my mind, the idea of them together, it was making me go crazy. Gilly's day hadn't gone well either, I walked in at the end of him and Lynsey fighting. We were both lost, confused, fed up. But that didn't excuse what he did, the thing that ruined everything.
I began to feel us becoming closer. Both physically and mentally. He was drawing me in, his words kind and careful. I rested my hands on the wine glass, drinking no more, I'd had enough. I felt Gilly moving closer to me, his arm practically touching my shoulder. My mind was beginning to forget about Rhys, the alcohol was taking its affect on the both of us. I stared into his eyes; I even let a slight smile escape my lips. For a second I felt wanted, special even, as if I had nothing to fear. He moved his head rapidly towards me, I moved backwards. But as I sat there staring at him, thoughts of Cheryl and Rhys flickered back into my head, how they were getting it on whilst I was trying to save my boyfriends life. What a bloody great repayment. He always had to go and ruin things, why was that?
I moved my lips unsurely to Gilly's pressing them carefully against his before moving my tongue into his mouth. I can still taste the way his lips grasped mine. I felt his gentle touch tracing my hand. He pulled his mouth away, taking my hand fully and intertwining his fingers with mine before he pulled me into the bedroom.
I didn't know how to act. I knew it was a bad idea, but I couldn't pull away. Part of me actually wanted to have sex with him, to hurt Rhys like he'd hurt me; make it into a game almost.
I led there, on the bed, Gilly next to me. Nothing felt more wrong, how I'd managed to get myself into such a stupid situation, I had no idea. Thoughts were swimming around in my head, everything was blurring up, more so by the minute. We just continued to lie there, for several seconds before he turned onto his side, facing me. I stayed still; I could feel his breath blowing onto my face with every breath he took. I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath. He began to undress himself before rolling onto the top of me. We said nothing. I continued to stay still, almost motionless, squeezing my eyes tightly shut as I felt him begin to undress me too.
I opened my eyes suddenly, staring hopelessly up at him. His face was just inches from mine.
'No, Gilly,' I breathed out. 'Stop.' He was so close to me, I felt claustrophobic, his body was smothering me, there was no way out. I felt stuck, unable to move even the slightest bit. His eyes looked mean, determined. I'd never seen that look on his face before, I'd never seen that look on anyone's face before. It looked like he was a monster, a hungry monster. The kind you see in films, you know. He placed his lips on my neck, I felt them gradually move upwards, finally reaching my mouth. My breathing became more rapid, I tried to push him off with my hands, but I couldn't find the strength. I could barely touch him. He kept going, as I began to feel more and more terrified, worrying to myself, breathing heavily. I wanted to scream, scream so that I could be heard miles away, but I couldn't. I couldn't even get up and run. I feared that even if I did manage to push him off, then he'd just come onto me even harder. I'd heard many horrific rape stories in my time, but I'd never realised to what extent it could ruin me, how horrific the ordeal really was. I felt abhorrent both with myself and Gilly, I hated the both of us. As soon as his mouth was off of mine, I opened it, trying to scream out 'no,' 'stop,' 'help.' But no noise came out. I began to shake, every single part of me covered with fear, tears streaming down my cheeks. Why wouldn't Gilly stop? If he wasn't out to rape me like he says then he would've stopped! He would've felt my fear, felt me shaking against his warm, textured body.
It felt as if it was going on forever and there was nothing more I could do than just, you know… feel it.