Once upon a time there was a girl named Lily Evans with green eyes and thick red hair who this writer feels the need to describe at the beginning of their story because it's not like anyone's ever read the book and knows this tidbit.
On this particular morning, Lily was sitting in a compartment on the Hogwarts Express with her best friend, Moonshine-Sunflower-Fairy-Twinkle-Rainbow-Face Smith, who everyone knew as Beth. Beth was by far the more attractive of the two girls, with long blond flowing locks that cascaded majestically down her back and a pair of startlingly violet eyes that always seemed to catch the light in an alluring manner. Men often simply fainted in her wake, dropping like flies onto the cold concrete and obtaining minor head trauma. Beth was, at the moment, gazing at her reflection in a small silver compact and commenting on her perfectly formed eyebrows which she had spent all the previous evening attacking. Lily seemed completely oblivious to the fact that her friend was a shallow bitch and continued to stare out the window at the random Irish country side passing by with all the little Yiddish farmers and such.

"OW!"

An expletory containing a harsher word than the rating will allow rang through the whole fucking train as Sirius Black burst in through the door to their compartment and crumpled to the ground, a bright red handprint shining on his left cheek. The cheek on his face, you sicko. He picked himself up from the floor, dusting himself off gingerly and re-buttoning his shirt.
"Tongs," he explained tersely.

James Potter galloped through the door after Sirius, having just finished a rousing rendition of "I Will Always Love You" at the top of his lungs. Looking around at the three puzzled faces staring up at him, since he was obviously on the ceiling imitating Spider Man, he shrugged and rumpled his hair casually.

"Potter, Black, what are you two doing in here!" Lily exclaimed, yanking James off the ceiling where he fell onto Sirius, putting both of them into a rather suggestive position.

"No wonder people think we're gay..." Sirius muttered as he shoved James off of him and took a seat next to Beth. "Hello random girl who I'm only just meeting even though we've been in the same house for over five years."

"Hi," Beth giggled back, batting her enormously long fake eyelashes back at him. "I'm Beth. It's so nice to meet you."

"Yeah, we'll probably fuck in a later scene," Sirius replied knowingly, glancing over at James, who had just realized that Lily was in the compartment and was proceeding to babble incoherently about the viscosity of butter.

"YOU SAID NAUGHTY WORD, LILY SMASH!!"

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The end.
Of the train ride.

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TIMEMEMEMEMEM LAPSEESESESESESESE.
And such.

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The great hall was full of chattering students all awaiting the coming sorting when suddenly the story became Marauders-centered.

"I, James (insert random generic middle name here) Potter, shall have Lily as my bride, 'cause sixteen is so a perfect time to get married." James cried out, jumping onto the table in his enthusiasm. This odd display somehow went unnoticed by all the teachers and students except his three friends.
"Prongs, give it up already!" shouted Sirius, pulling James back into his seat. "As your best mate, it is my job to crush your dreams of ever being with the girl whom you've been chasing after for the past six years, instead of giving you hope that love will prevail. So, I must say, it'll never happen."
James seemed not to hear this, as he was now too busy building a mashed potato castle. Sirius sighed and returned to staring at a wall haughtily, by handsomely so.
Without warning, the Great Hall doors burst open and a stunning girl rushed in, looking disheveled, but in a really attractive way. She wore blazing green robes with silver and blue sequins and a feather glued to it. She stopped between tables and looked around.
"Sorry." she said breathlessly, flicking her shining ebony hair over one shoulder and fluttering the lashes of her sparkly pink eyes. "I'm the new exchange student from America, my name's Mary-Ella-Ribbon Dancer -Candy Stripe- Porcupine-Dove Johnson ."

" Golly gee she sure is pretty "James said, suddenly ignoring the fact that he was still in love with Lily just so the dialogue flows better.

"I agree there" Sirius said, nodding.

"Forizzle" interjected Remus Lupin, entering the story as quickly and conveniently as his soon to be love interest.

"Do you mind if I sit here?" the girl asked Remus, pointing to the seat that had just emptied next to him as a second year launched into the air in a flash of orange confetti.

"F-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-fine by me!" Remus stammered.

"Thanks,"
She flopped down in the chair and began eating ferociously as though she had spent the last eight months de-worming orphans in Somalia. The three boys watched in awe as she practically inhaled an entire bowl of pudding, a turkey, and the arm of the girl sitting next to her. When she finished, she reached over the table and smacked Sirius full on the face.

"What the hell was that for?"
"I dunno," she replied, "but you can call me Melanie. I'm an exchange student from America who decided to come to Hogwarts for some unexplained reason because the writer is usually too lazy to think of one. Or I'm on the run from the FBI. You pick."

"Wicked," James breathed, rumpling his hair. Half the table then broke out into a chorus of 'Defying Gravity", which was only silenced by the death glare of Professor Krueger, who was the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.

Melanie smiled. "I'm actually a werewolf too by strange coincidence, but you lot won't find that out until the full moon when Remus and I just happen to meet each other in the Shrieking Shack and have hot passionate werewolf sex, but you aren't supposed to know that yet."

"Okay," Remus replied, staring blankly at the launched second year, who had just landed in a heaping plate of Funfetti.

"Funfetti!!"
James shrieked and dove towards the flattened delicacy, intent on salvaging any scrumptious morsel left unharmed. In the process, he knocked Sirius forward into Melanie, where they magically (Haha, MAGIC. Yeah, right.) touched lips, and they began snogging fiercely. Remus got up and slunk from the Great Hall, dragging James away from the Funfetti and muttering under his breath about hired assassins.

Professor Krueger, who was actually a Decepticon in disguise as a jolly yet slightly creepy magical defense teacher, smiled evilly to himself.
"This is going to be an… interesting year…"

TO BE CONTINUED!!!!!!!11!!1!!one!!1!!