Rated T for very brief language and a very brief suggestive comment; I'm sorry, I try to refrain from using language, but I felt it was necessary. Besides, isn't there a saying that says "swearing like a drunken sailor?"
Disclaimer: Although Lowe owns my heart, I do not own him. Darn. I also do not own the other characters in this story, except for some of the overenthusiastic passengers...modeled after me, of course. ;)
Note: This story is very silly and pointless, and I wrote it while on a chocolate and Mountain Dew buzz. Bear with me. Inspiration for this came from two places. The first source was my mother. The second source was the entertaining story Danger! Drunk Officers! by Leader of the Penguins. This story is oneshot, butI realizethat it ends rather abruptly and I may resubmita new document with a better ending later. I also realize that I may have taken some dramtaic liscence and twisted the Titanic timeline a bit.
This is my first stab at comedy, so please review and let me know if I should stick to my romantic/angsty day job.
The crowd of women pushed forward as the bow of the ship sank ever lower into the Atlantic. However, the officers looking on were unable to tell whether it was the lifeboat or the young officer loading it they were pushing for.
"Look, in case you haven't noticed," Fifth Officer Harold Lowe called out to the crowd of women, using his commanding voice, "the ship is sinking. So if I am going to be able to get this lifeboat loaded and save us all, I need all of you to STOP FLIRTING WITH ME." Removing his hat, he used it to bat away yet another brave woman's hand as it reached for his sleeve.
"Oh yeah, take it ALL off!" a young lady's voice called from the back of the crowd.
The other officers were supposed to be loading the other boats, but there was no point; all of the women with their children had crowded around Lowe's.
"Lucky bastard," Second Officer Charles Lightoller muttered. The other officers mumbled their agreement.
"Should we go help him?" Sixth Officer Moody asked after a brief pause.
"Nah, what is there to help?" Fourth Officer Boxhall pointed out.
"Um, loading the boat…"
Another brief pause, then "Nah, she isn't going down that fast."
Moody eyed the gurgling water around the bow skeptically.
"What do they see in him, anyway?" First Officer Murdoch wondered.
"I think it's his boyish good looks," Moody replied thoughtfully.
The officers all turned to stare, then chose to forget the moment and turn back to the chaos that was unfolding around Lowe.
After about ten minutes, Murdoch spoke up again. "You know, men, we are eventually going to need that boat."
"Besidesif we're going to get any of the women onto any of the other boats, we need to get rid of Lowe," Boxhall reasoned.
All of them neglected to mention the fact that they were extremely jealous.
Murdoch nodded in agreement with his subordinate. "All right, then. Lightoller, take care of it, will you?"
Grumbling something stupid boyish good looks, Lightoller pushed his way through the anxious female passengers to his fellow officer. Lowe sighed in relief. Drawing his gun, Lightoller shouted to the crowd, "We will have order! Order, I say! Stop flirting with him and start flirting with me, or…" catching Murdoch's warning glance from across the deck, he redirected his statement. "Stay back, or I'll shoot you all like dogs!" Turning to Lowe, he ordered, "Mr. Lowe, man this boat."
Lowe looked forlornly at lifeboat number 14. Yes, it was filled with women, but none of them were the slightest bit attractive. But he had to follow orders, so he climbed in and the boat was lowered. His ego got a nice stroking, however, from the fact that he had to ward off more desperate women all the way down to the water.