I was running really fast through the forest. I was damn hungry, but I would never admit it.
The others were behind me, sniffing around like a bunch of dogs. I had more dignity than that. At least I didn't get on four legs. Didn't want to scratch my nails. But they didn't care about that because we hadn't eaten in a long time.
I was really starving because I had stayed off food more than others.
I was still the only girl in the pack. There was Mama Greyback, Fenrir's mother, but she never went out with us. She only stayed in and drank herself to death.
Whenever I tried talking to her, she just yanked me by my hair. So I stopped doing that.
'Hey, bitch, why don't you stop already?' one of the guys called at me.
'Name's Lavender, asshole!' I yelled back.
'Call me that again, you whore!' he spat, growling at me.
'I'll call you whatever I want you piece of shite!'
He went for me, running on all four legs, his teeth exposed and sharp.
I took him head on and wrestled him to the ground, throwing him out of my way. I had a knife hidden in my pants so I used it to carve a scar on his leg.
'Stay away, you fucking prick!' I yelled running away again.
It happened every night. Someone always got into a fight with someone else. And that person was me sometimes. I just liked pissing them off. And they enjoyed pushing me around greatly. They thought that I was defenceless because I was the only woman around. But I wouldn't let go without a fight. If they wanted to make this hard for me, then they would have it hard too. If they wanted me to be like this, then they had to get used to it.
I had just seen a deer. It was all mine. I wouldn't let these wankers take away my meal.
I stopped running and paced myself. I had to be very quiet.
Slowly, I made my way through the bushes and eyed my prey. I would be sorry for that deer, except I am dying here and if I don't eat, I'm afraid these other creeps will eat me. I need all the strength I can get.
The deer just stopped in the middle of a meadow. A pool of moon light brightened her soft fur. For a moment, I wanted to turn around and give up. Maybe lie down and try to sleep. But I always had that last minute doubt. When I had my first meal, it was the same. I had to turn around many times until I decided to jump the poor thing. Now, I was just being a hypocrite.
I'd been running with this pack for more than a year. Slowly, I was losing hope of ever seeing the ones I loved. Not because they weren't reachable, but because I wasn't reachable. I could never look my mum in the eye and tell her I was not her sweet, little daughter anymore. I couldn't look at my friends and tell them I might have killed, that I might be like those monsters.
They would say it wasn't my fault. That it was beyond my control. That I couldn't do anything about it.
Well you know what? That's bullshit.
Cos what I know is that a human being has self-control. Once they lose it, they turn into beasts. And self-control isn't easily lost, unless you give it away freely.
I feel like I've done that. Part of my self-control is gone.
That night, at Hogwarts, Fenrir hadn't just bitten me once. He bit me three times.
After the first bite, the world just sank into red. Like I was sleeping and I was seeing my bed curtains, all red and gold, except the gold was missing.
He got close to me and lifted my arms. I touched his shoulders and sank my nails into them trying to beat him off.
I managed to scratch him a little, enough for his blood to start dripping on my shirt.
That's when he bit me a second time, it was my arm. It hurt like hell but I didn't stop fighting.
After he had another taste, he grabbed me and threw me on his shoulders, carrying me like a weight.
I was quickly losing consciousness. I had to grab on to something, else I would've fallen and hurt my neck.
I grabbed his neck as I felt my legs slipping away from his grasp. And I turned his face to mine.
I was looking into a pair of crystal blue eyes, red shot and full of dark spots.
I had seen him as a beast when he had run up the mountains earlier that evening.
Now, he was trying to look human, although his mouth was red and bloodied.
There wasn't a trace of beast in his appearance, except for the harrowing mouth.
I pulled his hair trying to make him to let me go, but he just kissed me hard on the mouth and our blood mixed. He tasted like death and snow. I felt immense hatred for him. This was like a seal on my fate. I bit into his tongue and he bit into mine and that was the third bite.
I jumped from my hiding spot and attacked the deer.
I heard the others cry. They had probably heard me and were coming to share the meal.
They ran up the hills, their eyes red and black, their bodies half-disfigured, half-human.
I was trying to face my humanity, but it was proving hard.
Straight ahead, I knew there was a river where we usually quenched our thirsts.
I wanted to drown in it and be carried away across the mountains into perdition. Like some wilted mountain flower.
Every time I tried doing that, a hand always pulled me out and carried me back to the pack.
I didn't have the freedom to disappear.
As I stumbled across the fallen leaves, I saw the river in front of me, sparkling with fresh water.
I started washing my face. I had to close my eyes. I always did whenever there was the danger of seeing myself as I was.
Then I washed my hands and arms. After which I splashed my hair.
The cool water and the crisp air made my aching skin suffer a bit less.
I was about to jump, when I saw Fenrir sitting on a rock, on the other bank.
I looked into his eyes and he looked into mine.
He was smiling, more like smirking mischievously, as if he knew something I didn't.
'You're hungry, aren't you?' he asked, his voice rasp.
'No,' I said quickly.
He rose and started walking towards me. He crossed the river on foot, not minding the harsh coldness of it at all, not even wincing when he was hit by large boulders. The currents lashed over his face like mad, but he kept his wolfish grin intact.
When he got to my side, I looked up at him with anger.
'Why aren't you with the others? Aren't you going to turn and go feed?'
'No, I had my fill tonight. Quite satisfying.'
'Gee, I'm sure you did…How many innocent people had to die to make you sleep well tonight?'
'Oh, not many, fewer than usual. You can trust me on that.'
'Right,' I snorted, looking away.
'Open your palm,' he told me, sitting down in front of me.
I stared at him in surprise. My damp curls fell into my eyes but I pushed them back. Fear and disgust flickered across my face. I knew what he meant.
Whenever he told me to open my palm he usually wanted to drink a bit of me, which always turned out to be bloody painful. Not to mention we'd get into this horrible fight where I'd try to kill him.
He'd usually restrain me.
My muscles tensed, ready to attack him at any given moment.
He took my arm, gentler than usual and opened my palm forcefully. He traced the red lines on my rough skin with his long fingers.
'Here, I found this for you,' he said and dropped something into my palm.
I stared at it transfixed. Three long minutes passed.
'Well?' he asked, impatiently.
I was holding a lavender.
It was violet and soft. It felt like nothing I had touched before. The small petals effused a delicate, sweet smell that made my skin tingle.
'It's…lavender,' I spoke hoarsely.
'It made me think of you,' he said after a moment.
I stared into his eyes that were still crystal blue, with some dark spots.
'So you take my life away, but you give me a flower instead?'
He frowned. He touched my curls awkwardly.
'I gave you a new life,' he said.
I nodded bitterly and looked at the fragile flower in my palm. I was that flower, it was me. He had picked me up because he had thought of me.
I put it in my hair and looked down.
He took my palm and brought it to his lips. I closed my eyes.