So I did something this weekend. Something that I don't recommend for anyone. I went to my mom's best friend in the world's house with her. And spent the night. Why don't I recommend it? My mom's best friend in the world's son is the guy I always thought I'd spend forever with. Until he shattered my heart into about a million pieces when we were sixteen. And he still lives at home.
On the way home yesterday, I had the strangest thought. I wondered if Brooke ever feels guilty for still loving Lucas. I thought maybe writing it out would make me feel better. I really don't. I don't know what happened this weekend. I'm married. I'm happy. And I feel so empty at the moment that I don't know what to do with myself.
This little drabble is the result. I hope you all enjoy. Though you probably won't. It's simple and kind of depressing actually. Sorry about that. :-/
Disclaimer: I don't own One Tree Hill. I don't even wish I did anymore. It just sucks that much. And the title is from a song by Timbaland and Katy Perry. The aforementioned ex-boyfriend kept singing the lyric that I'm going to use in the body of the oneshot.(during the only real conversation we had all weekend) I still don't know what it means.
I'll never be the same,
If we ever meet again.
Won't let you get away,
Say, if we ever meet again.
It's not something she can avoid- going to see Lucas. She's not actually going to see him. He lives with other people she loves. Karen. Lily. Sawyer. Peyton. It's not about Lucas. She tells herself that the jolt she feels the moment she plans a trip to see them that it's about those people. Any of those people. Not Lucas.
Lucas doesn't even register on her radar. She's engaged. She's in love. She doesn't want see Lucas. As a matter of fact, it wouldn't bother her at all if he went away the weekend she's flying in. Then, she wouldn't have to see him at all. And she'd know for sure, this trip is not about her need to see him.
She has put it off for months. First, there were issues with the new line. And then, there were issues with Millicent. And during those issues were problems with Julian- and who wants to go see a bunch of happy people when they're miserable? When all of that was fixed, they had to promote Julian's movie. All in all, it's been a little over two years since she's seen her best friend and much, much longer since she's seen the woman who was like a mother to her for so long. She needs to see them.
This has nothing to do with Lucas.
So she doesn't understand why her heart squeezes a little bit when Peyton and Sawyer meet her at the airport, sans Lucas. She doesn't understand why her eyes scan the rooms of the house looking for him, as if he's going to jump out any minute, even though Peyton explained to her that he had planned a day trip with Lily before they knew she was coming. She doesn't understand why she's listening to Karen talk about the school system here in New Zealand with only half of her attention because she's waiting for the door to slam shut. She's waiting for him to walk in. She doesn't understand why only half of her is relieved that he's not here. Why is the other half hurt? Why is there a part of her, hidden deep, clamoring for his attention? Why does she feel a little empty without him here?
Peyton's upstairs putting Sawyer down for a late nap when he walks in. Lily runs right to her and she hugs the little girl tight. It's like looking at Keith and she doesn't know how Karen does it. Being reminded that you could have been so in love and happy if it weren't for someone else's selfishness every day must really suck. When she lifts her head, she manages not to look Lucas in the eyes. She doesn't understand it but she just can't make eye contact with him anymore. It's almost like it hurts too much.
But that doesn't make sense, does it? Why should it hurt after all of this time? He's happy. She's happy.
Before there can be any conversation between them, Peyton sweeps back down and anything they were going to say to each other feels lost. At least, to her. Who knows? Maybe he's relieved that he doesn't have to speak to her. Sure, they talk. They talk through Karen, through Lily, even through Peyton. But never directly to each other. She barely even looks at him throughout the conversation. Though she knows he gets really uncomfortable when the conversation turns to her upcoming nuptials and the guy who she's finally going to be marrying, since he gets up and excuses himself. He says he has a few things to do. His mom and Peyton don't seem to miss his presence at all. She, once again, feels like the air has been released from the room. Her perkiness has dropped considerably- so much so, that she wonders if she wasn't acting over happy just to prove something to him. No one seems to notice her change, though, so she thanks the heavens that wedding planning distracts even the eagle-eyed people- like Karen.
She's in the only spot of the house with decent service, the kitchen, with Lucas (though, they haven't said two words to each other) when Julian calls. Even she notices the fake happy voice that she's using with him. She doesn't understand it but she wants Lucas to know that she's okay. She wants him to see- hear, whatever- that she's in love. Because she is. He didn't beat that out of her. She used to think she'd never be able to love again but Julian proved her wrong. She has this great guy at home- he did her laundry, he misses her, he wants to marry her and only her- so she's not trying to make Lucas jealous. She's just trying to let him know (since, apparently, they can't talk to each other) through her voice and this conversation that she's great.
He didn't break her.
After a while, it's obvious that Lucas is annoyed with the conversation and he leaves the room. She watches him enough to know that he's gone far enough away that he doesn't have to look at her but stayed close enough that he can still hear every word she says. He's trying to make himself look busy but even she can see his blatant anger at himself. He doesn't want to hear her perkiness. This should upset her- he's supposed to be her friend, he's supposed to want her happiness, after all, she gave it up once for his happiness- but it doesn't. It just makes her chest ache a little more than it should. And the ache isn't about anything. It's about nothing at all. But Lucas.
It's late- midnight or later- when she finally gets sick of tossing and turning. Thank goodness she made this a short trip and she only has to sleep here one night- this night. Her body just can't seem to make itself sleep when Lucas is in the house. At least she's admitting that silently, to herself. Her mind just races and races. Why won't he talk to her? Why can't they seem to look each other in the eye? Why does it hurt so bad? She loves Julian, right? So why in the world does this even matter? He wasn't even hers for all that long- maybe he was never hers. And still, he has a hold on her that she doesn't understand. Haley would tell her it's the first love thing. They never fully go away. But how would Haley know? She's never had a second love.
She wanders into the den with the intention of reading a book, lulling herself back to sleep. But when she gets there, she knows that's never going to happen. Lucas is in the chair, playing some kind of game, and she tries to back out quietly but he's already seen her. He stops her and asks what she's doing, fully taking her by surprise. She'd thought they were going to make it through the next nineteen hours without ever speaking directly at each other. He's still not looking at her, though, and she's strangely okay with that.
She thinks about telling him the truth- that she can't sleep- but she doesn't want to explain the reasons why, as she's just come to realize them. So she tells him instead that she was going to read a little bit and that she thinks her body's off its natural time. Maybe it is? And then she tells him that she'll just go read somewhere else. She doesn't want to interrupt him.
He laughs and tells her that she's not interrupting. And then he asks her to stay. So she does. She sits on the couch behind him. That way, they don't have to avoid each other's eyes unless he turns toward her. For awhile, the only noise in the room is the sound of the game. She's looking down at the book, not really absorbing anything in it, when he speaks again. He asks about the company, about their friends back home, about their shared godson, how Haley's holding up, the new baby, even Dan. But he strictly avoids the topic of Julian and the wedding. Whenever she slips and mentions him, she can feel the withdraw, followed by a Peyton or Sawyer anecdote. It's almost like it's a competition for him. Anything you can do I can better and all that. She wonders if every time she mentions Julian and their life together, he hurts as badly as every time he shoots back something about Peyton and their life here.
It shouldn't hurt her. But it does. She can't imagine it hurts him. He knows that what they had really meant nothing. She can't quite bring herself to that same conclusion. Maybe she's imagining things when it seems like he's hurting. Maybe she's just seeing what she wants to see.
At one point, they talk, just in general, about unrequited love. He says that he gets that. He understands what that feels like. He's been there. Maybe he's talking about Lindsey but there's something in the way he says it that makes her believe, for the first time ever, that he could be talking about her, too. But maybe that's just her imagination, as well.
After five hours of talking- and laughing- and feeling almost seventeen again, she decides she should at least try to sleep for a few hours and gets up to go to bed. She turns to him as she's passing to say goodnight and he abruptly shuts off the game, in the middle of a battle. It looks like he's going to finally get some sleep, too, and he follows her up the stairs always maintaining more than a polite distance. She realizes that they've only touched once since she arrived. And it was accidental. And they both jumped away from it, like it could burn them.
The good-night, she knows, is more than likely, a good-bye. When everyone wakes up today, it'll be like this never happened. And maybe it didn't, really. They still haven't looked each other in the eye. All she really knows is that when she lies back down in her makeshift bed, it's even harder to sleep. And when she closes her eyes, she sees his. And she shouldn't be seeing him. But that doesn't stop it from happening.
Maybe when something is left so unresolved, this is what happens. There are too many what if's to ever get over it fully. Maybe a little piece of her is always going to love him. A big part of her realizes just how wrong she was, though. Avoiding coming here and finally choosing to visit, every choice she makes, revolves around Lucas. It's always going to be about him.
She wakes up again after only about three hours' sleep and figures she might as well just start her day. She showers, has breakfast with the girls, and mostly just relaxes and visits with Karen for most of the morning. Her flight is at four so she's planning to be out of the house soon. Hopefully, before Lucas even wakes up. She doesn't really want to see him again. It's going to hurt either way.
Less than an hour before she has to leave, he walks into the room. They talk, just barely, and mostly through his mom again. It's a start, though, and when Karen leaves them alone, the silence doesn't seem so loud. Sawyer, at some point, toddles in and she gets on the floor to play with her, one last time, before she leaves. She knows that the next time she sees her, she might be too old to hold. She might even be too old to play with. That thought makes her sad. She really doesn't think she'll ever come back here. Once was more than enough.
She does something that makes Sawyer laugh out loud and she laughs, too. As if by force, her eyes seek Lucas- to see if he's smiling. He is. And then something awful happens. They forget to avoid each others' eyes. It doesn't last long- maybe, three seconds- but it's long enough for her to understand that not looking into them was self preservation. Her heart feels broken in a way that it hasn't in a long time. As soon as he can, without looking rude, he mumbles something that excuses him from the room.
She doesn't see him again. He's in the shower when she leaves so there's no good-bye. Maybe it's better that way?
As her flight takes off, she wonders if it's okay to still love him if they never act on it. Or if it's a betrayal- to both Peyton and Julian- no matter what. She wonders why there was a part of her dying to leave and yet, there's another part of her, longing to stay. To lock eyes accidentally with him again. To figure out what's going on in his mind. And isn't that selfish?
She doesn't understand it. Maybe she never will. Maybe Haley would be right and you're not supposed to ever really get over your first love.
She just can't help but wish that he was her only love. And then, before she can stop the thought, she realizes that maybe he is.
And that thought strangles her until she feels like she'll never breathe again. So she chants to herself that she does love Julian, he's a great guy, he makes her happy. One day, she hopes to fully believe that.
Don't ever let me go.
I'll never be the same,
If we ever meet again.
See, I told you. It doesn't make sense and it's kind of depressing. Just needed to get it out of my system. I'm putting a new story up shortly. Review, if you please. (maybe you can help me make it make sense :P) Who knows? Maybe it'll help me.
xx-Cor