WINGS OF LUST 3: ( . Y . Y . ) IN 3D
(always this title, forever)
Quirinius Quirrell had always had, shall we say, odd tastes. He had never much cared for the company of women, nor of men, for that matter. It was as if nothing could possibly satisfy his raging desire to reach sexual nirvana. Men and women were mere playthings to him, not worth his illustrious seed.
However, when rifling through Hermione Granger's clothing to find a skirt for his dress-up night with Mundungus Fletcher, he came upon her time turner. Fingering it gently, Quirrell couldn't help but think of memories from long ago, including his summer of passion with Buckbeak's dear old mother in an Italian brothel. The summer had been hot, as hot as Floo Powder in one's...fireplace. He treasured those days almost as much as the Jews treasured their ill begotten gold.
Ah, Buckbeak's mummy had a new rider for those simple five months, their passion making Quirrell feel more alive than Buckbeak could now ever be... It was as if Quirrell had been set afire by a demon of sex... and fire. Either way, it was quite hot, almost as hot as the time he burnt the owlery to the ground, and he had received a damn good fucking.
Quirrell was not given to introspection, but he did wonder, after his marathon viewings of classic film series such as "Water under the Cumbridge," "Pornish Pixies," and "Big-Assilisks on Spring Break," whether all sex had been spoiled for him. There was literally nothing he had not sexed. He had sexed women, men, pixies, giants, half-giants, and all manner of magical creature. He had even put the spurs to Madame Maxime once, to his great chagrin. He had gone on a spirit journey to cleanse himself, but that is a tale for another time.
He reflected on his past sexploits, sitting there amid the pile of skirts, panties, and double-sided dildos. Idly sucking upon Hermione Granger's secret wands, he felt a single limpid tear slide, ever so slowly, down his face. Voldemort stretched his parseltongue out to taste its secret juices, forgetting that parseltonguing oneself was...unbecoming. What had he become? Was this all there was, simply playing dress-up games with a dirty old man who had never felt the touch of another human being, someone who vaguely smelled of gravy? No! Quirrell knew that he held great power in his hands. He held the time turner as if it was his lover; roughly, as if holding a tiny baby. Not that he would EVER love something like that, of course.
Holding the time turner, Quirrell had an idea. Licking his lips like a man would lick the tender, delectable breast of a... chicken, he contemplated the happiest moment of his life. Although the time when he had killed that muggle known as the Zionist the most kosherly, by shoving a large number of Hebrew National hot dogs down her gullet and shouting "NOT SO KOSHER NOW, IS IT BITCH?," Quirrell could not help but remember the day he lost his virginity to Minerva McGonagall. The mere thought of such a happy memory made his wand emit a small amount of liquidy, white... patronus charm. It was...mildly erotic. If only there were a way to relive such happy days.
Grinning a small, sexy, pedophilic grin, Quirrell realized that there was a much better use for the time turner than to go back in time and watch when he ruined Hagrid's marriage. He would go back in time and re-jackhammer that jew-loving negress, Minerva McGonagall.
Professor Quirrell slowly turn the time turner in his hands, singing Cher's "If I could Turn Back Time" to himself as he did so. Unlike the musical goddess, he COULD turn back time. And he did. He turned back time like Pansy Parkinson's nether regions were turned into a wizard sleeve after too much use. All of a sudden his surroundings became a blur, just like the time he did all that wizard cocaine at Madame Rosmerta's crack house in , everything was still. Absolutely still. Looking around, he realized he was in Dumbledore's Office. The sun shone through the tall, arched windows, giving some sultry mood lighting to the entire room. Let's just say that Quirrell was looking forward to getting his wand between a different set of arches today. He took a look around, and noticed a calendar hanging up on Dumbledore's wall. It was the newest edition of "Barely Legal House Elf Hussies." The year was... 1969. Quirrell felt absolutely orgasmic, but without all the mess. His body began to shudder, like he was an elderly man with Parkinson's disease.
Suddenly, he heard the sound of wood... upon which there was knocking, probably with some big, metal knockers. Quirrell knew that if he was found now, there would be no chance for him to fornicate mightily with the now quite MILF-y Minerva McGonagall. He hid behind one of the many naked statues littering Dumbledore's room. This particular statue had quite a nice buttocks, and let's just say that statue wasn't the only thing that was rock hard. Quirrell knew that subtlety was the key, so he quietly stripped naked. Then he screamed, "I AM NUDE AND RAPTUROUS! RAVISH ME!" The only thing he wore now was his big, purple turban. It hid his greatest secret... or should he say... VOLDEMORT!
The big, wood doors opened with a creak. In stepped Minerva McGonagall, dragging along with her a young boy, likely in his... teens. Minerva looked... mildly erotic.
"You've been a very bad boy, Quirinius. You must be punished!" Minvera removed her emerald green robe to reveal a... mildly erotic black leather get-up, complete with a big, black whip.
"Professor... this is ridic... dic... dic... dic... dic..." The young Quirrell's body was rushing with blood, to all of his extremities. The elder Quirrell peeked out from behind the well-endowed statue, his eyes flaring wide, like a Dwarf's. Now was the time. The elder Quirrell jumped out from behind the statue, his naughty bits all a-rarin' to go.
"RIDICKULUS!" He said with a thrust of his pelvic region.
"OH MY ROWLING!" Minerva McGonagall yelped. "Who are you?"
"I am... Quirinius Quirrell!"
"But... I am Quirinius Quirrell!" The young Quirrell stared at the elder, quite impressed at how well-endowed that he would become.
"Indeed, I am you, from the future!" He said this, pointing his finger into the air. "Now, I have come back to get myself some action and other such reprehensible things!" He removed his turban, revealing Voldemort and his long, slender... parseltongue.
"Wait, if I were to pleasure you, would it be masturbation or a homosexual experience?"
"It would be something entirely different. Something... magical." Deftly, he lept onto Minerva McGonagall's back. Using the potency of his manhood, he forced her, quite catlike, to the ground.
"Yes, Quirrell the elder, make her your bitch!" Voldemort said quite cheerily.
"Oh yes, I'm very into that. Especially when it involves the Dark Lord of all evil, and a younger and older version of the same person! It's a fetish of mine. That, along with good hygiene and respect! And voreraphilia, of course." She released a low purr from the deepest, most secret places in her loins.
Both of the Quirrells simultaneously defecated in ecstatic ecstasy. They were ready to begin.
***FOR THOSE WHO PAID FOR THE 3D VIEWING, PLEASE PUT ON YOUR GLASSES NOW***
"Luckily," sneered Severus Snape, popping up from behind a desk, his eyes flaring wide, like a Dwarf, "I have brought my 3D glasses, and my special bottle of wand wax." Nobody seemed to notice the large nosed young man and his rather stubby wand.
Suddenly, Cho Chang appeared suddenly! "OH HERRO!" She yelled this loudly, and wiht an air of someone who could do all forms of martial arts and also play piano with deft skill. Also she was good at gymnastics and math. And she was a physics major. The faint smell of rice wafted into the room. Oh wait, that would be racist, never mind. Snape just... killed her, or something. By shoving chopsticks down her throat.
Once again, nobody seemed to notice the action that had just occurred. The young Quirrell pulled out his... oversized boombox and started playing the theme from Mortal Kombat! (It was like magic, GEDDIT 'CUZ THEY'RE WIZARDS AND STUFF?) As soon as he heard "TEST YOUR MIGHT" he, along with the elder Quirrell and Voldemort, began their ravishment of the totally MILF-y Minerva McGonagall. The elder Quirrell took the back end, while the younger forced his way into the professor's lecture hole.
Somehow, Minerva managed to whip out her... whip and lash the two Quirrells with great force. "You...have been...very...nauGHTY!" On this last lashing, she received a nosebleed (BECAUSE SHE TOTALLY HAD AN ERECTION ONLY SHE'S A GIRL, SO SHE DIDN'T GET ONE YOU SICKKKO). Running her hands through the blood, for the nutritional value, she began to talk dirtily.
"I'm going to scourgify every orifice" she yowled "and then I'll fuck you!" So she totally that and then they totally started to really get into the super effing hot fucking.
"OH LAWDY LAWD!" moaned the younger Quirrell, sounding quite like a Southern Baptist preacher.
Suddenly, there was a crash through the window. A large, busty hippogriff appeared. It was... BUCKBEAK'S MOTHER! She looked especially pale, as if living in Italy was like living in a cave.
"I AM HERE TO PROMOTE SAFE WIZARD SEX!" She said in a deep chocolate baritone. "HERE, HAVE SOME WIZARD CONDOMS SO YOUR WIZARD SPERM DOESN'T GET INTO HER WIZARD VAGINA! ALSO I AM HORNY AS HARPY TITS SO I WOULD LIKE TO JOIN IN ON THIS ACTION!"
"Oh, but of course you may! I've been missing quite a bit of wings and breasts in my life!" Professor Quirrell said, quite racistly.
The five once again resumed their intense fornication! It was a flurry of feathers, sweat, blood, guns, more guns, wands, knives, semen, more blood, and Cho Chang's scalp. None of them had ever felt so alive. At one point, they all yelled "I'M ALLIIIIIIIVVVVVVEEEEE! I'M ALIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVEEEEEEE!"
And then, it was finished. The members of this ravenous, cantankerous, fecal, messy, sweaty, gritty, soul-reviving orgy were utterly spent. The bodies of the five were slumped upon the ground, discarded, like so many movies starring Brendan Frasier.
Voldemort giggled like a schoolgirl, not necessarily from any specific Asian country, but I think we all know which one is being referenced. "OH HO HO HO HO! 'TWAS QUITE THE MAGNIFICENT FUCKING WE JUST HAD THERE! OH HO HO HO!"
"Yes indeed. I suppose I should be going back to my own time now. I have a dress-up date with Mundungus Fletcher to catch!"
"Hey, older me?"
"WHAT'CHU WANT, BITCH?"
"Thanks!" Young Quirrell flashed the elder Quirrell a thumbs up. And let's just say his thumb wasn't the only thing that was up. There was a frothy residue encrusted upon his lips. It was... mildly erotic.
"Remember kid: heroes get remembered, but legends never die. Follow your heart! But, when that ultimately fails, follow yo' dick!" Quirrell stepped through the time vortex, making sure to take Cho Chang's hand with him.
"WELL, HE WAS CERTAINLY A STRANGE BED-FELLOW. I HOPE HE DOESN'T ONEDAY MURDER MY OFFSPRING, THUS CONDEMNING HIM TO THE FIERY PITS OF HELL. REMEMBER KIDS, IF YOU DO DRUGS, YOU GO TO HELL... BEFORE YOU DIE. AND, WITH GREAT POWER COMES GREAT RESPONSIBILITY, AND BY POWER I MEAN PENIS."
***REMOVE 3D GLASSES NOW***
THE END