Queen Ashe's journal: The greatest love

No one, no human at all, can truly understand my minds and thoughts.

To them death is the end, and the spirits of men who died were doomed to walk the world, the fallen world.

They see me as a widow, a lonely queen. Indeed it would seem that way. I'm tired, so tired of men speculating when I will remarry. Is finding a life partner all there is to life?

They ask how it is a lone woman can be so strong.

For my strength, lies rested on the greatest strength of all.

We mortals are not wise. We only think we are, but in that pride we are often fooled.

We look through a glass, darkly, unable to see, unable to hear unless we choose to put that pride aside.

You fear and worship the spirits of the earth, but you are not aware of the greatest force of all.

This day I write it for all men to hear, and may those who hear understand.

I was a child of 9, playing in a field outside my royal palace. I have always had a need for quiet time to think, and I wanted to be alone that evening. So my guards, who were usually with me, retreated to the palace walls to watch me instead.

So I sat under a great tree, looking up at the stars. That night, I noticed that one star shone brighter than all the others in the clear night sky. Suddenly I felt a strong presence upon me, one of great power, but I did not feel fear. Instead, a peace came upon my heart, and I felt… love. Great love.

"Who are you?" I asked, astonished.

"Daughter," I heard the voice say. "You cannot see me, you may not feel me always, but there I have always been, walking with you."

"Are you a God of the field?"

"You may call the field a God, but it is but a spirit then. For how many Gods would there be to run the world if every spirit were a God?"

I pondered then, and then I trembled greatly. Not because this presence would harm me, for I could feel it – the holiness and the love that flowed from this presence. For I knew that I was standing before the creator, the God of the universe.

"Why are you here?" I asked.

"You have a destiny, dear one".

"Me? A destiny…but I am a princess after all."

"Every man does, whether they are aware of it or not. Do not think your subjects small, for every creature I have created has a place in the afterlife, should they choose to walk in my ways.

Do not hold onto anything in the world in your heart, dear one. It is a trap, for it will bring you great sorrow. You were born with nothing and you will depart with nothing, nothing but the deeds you have chosen to perform in this life".

Then I felt invisible hands gently laid on my eyes.

When I opened them, I gasped.

Like a dream I saw myself running through a city, a city of immense proportions. It was so beautiful that I wept in the wonder of it. It was made of many materials I had never before seen, and beings beyond my wildest imagination roamed it. I saw that there was no quarrel or strife in this world, for that world was eternally expanding and growing. The beings of that plane were free to explore for all eternity, and the lived in fellowship and harmony.

I had thought my kingdom vast and majestic. Then I realized how blinded mortals were in thinking the works of their hands were by any means as grand.

Then I felt myself lifted again, and the creator told me to be prepared for what I was to see next. And then this time I wept again in horror, for I saw many beings trapped in a blaze of eternal fire, screaming and crying in desperation.

Then I was laid back on the field, and I wept greatly for some time. I wept for all I had seen, for I knew the Creator had shown me heaven and hell.

"Great Lord," I wept, "you are a wonderful and gracious, for I can feel your great love for all you have made. Why did you create us to allow us to perish? Why did you create hell?"

"Dear one, Hell was not my creation, nor was it created by mortals. I, the creator am Love, for only love can create. Everything else in the world destroys.

When some of the angels, who were created and chose to serve, chose not to follow my will, Hell formed from them. But I am everything. I am the universe. Where would you go if you walk away from me? For I gave you life, and I meant for you to be part of my family.

Mortals, whom I dearly love – have free will too. Those who do not walk my path can no longer be under my umbrella of protection, though I dearly wish for them to. When they choose to walk away from my protection, they fall with the angels."

I spent a long time weeping in the Creator's invisible arms, and learnt much from him. I learnt he is so vast and expanse that he is always there with every mortal being, even though they were not aware of his presence.

"Why talk to me God? Do you talk to everyone?" I asked.

"I am the beginning and the end, and I knew you before you were born, I knew what you would choose. I knew your heart, Ashe, and I knew you would accept me. I will reveal myself to certain men at the right times in life, if they were ever meant to come to me".

That night, God offered me a portion of his spirit to share, to serve as a guiding voice to me for all eternity. I did. And I felt different. I felt a love for creatures about me. I desired to build, not to destroy. I understood every living creature was beautiful, no matter what men thought of it. And so my life changed.

I did not hear the audible voice of God again in my life, but I did feel his presence on me occasionally. Because he guided me, my actions were always for the better of others in my royal court. I was exalted by men for my wise actions, but because I knew God, I knew that every man is equal, and so humbled myself. And even then, I was praised for being humble. However, I did not take pleasure from hearing the compliments of men.

Prince Rasler Heios Nabradia was a childhood friend of mine, who had never audibly heard God's voice the same way I could, but who loved and trusted him. He shared with me once that he "trusted God's plan for him. He trusted and knew that no matter how bleak a situation may look to man, the one above had a plan".

Rasler and I loved one another, but we loved God more. Many men who do not know Him think that male and female relationships are meant to be the number 1 love in the world, and that physical bonding is earth's greatest pleasure, but I believe we knew what real love was. We cared for one another and for others. What else was sex, but a connection with God himself? All this we knew and understood.

We were finally married at 19, with the blessings of our families. The last days I had with Rasler and his family were full of laughter and joy. But things were changing, and I felt warning voices in my head: be prepared. Be prepared, do not settle into the comforts of the physical world.

And then came news of the war. I knew Rasler would be in the front. I feared for him then, but I knew he had to go.

But I did not expect his death. I did not expect the deaths of my family.

No matter what God told me in the past, I was angry. I was very, very angry at those who had murdered all I had loved. I have nothing left in my world!

Except you, God. But what is your will for me! Why do you remain silent! Everyone else is resting, truly resting. But me.

I'm alone in this world.

I have no one.

When I was born, I was born into one separate entity so I was meant to be alone.

No two human beings can be together always.

But I will always have you God.

Then I realized it was true.

"Whom have I in heaven but you?

And the earth has nothing more that I desire,

But you.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion, forever."

I stopped being angry. My heart still grieved, for though God had once told me that human life is short compared to eternity, I know his word is the truth – that one day I will be reunited with all I loved, and that he holds my entire world in his hands. For now, I had a mission to complete – a mission I was chosen for.

For two years, people believed I was dead. They believed I had killed myself. But during those years I prayed and sought God for his will. I heard him again, one day, when I was to plan a battle for the resistance army to overtake a border of the Archadian army.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding", I heard.

Do I doubt God? Yea I do, very often. It's human to want to be in control, or to think you have it all in control. Once, I slipped and fell off the edge of a cliff, clinging on only to a tree branch. I screamed and called for help, but none of my subjects were near me then!

"What do I do God!" I yelled.

"Let go", I heard God say.

I looked down and saw nothing but a giant crevice.

I looked up again and asked "Is there anyone else?"

In the end I did let go, when I finally got too tired to hold on to the branch.

I fell…

But my cloak caught on to a protruding tree branch below. It was much larger, and I was able to grip onto it. I saw a protruding edge off the vertical side of the cliff, and hauled myself up. To my surprise, there was a cave hole!

I climbed through, and after sometime, found myself back in a field on the other side, where my worried subjects found me sometime later.

I believed I could rebuild my fallen nation, but how few were the men on my side! I turned to my uncle for help, but he refused me.

Yet, a group of friends came into my life. A thief, two sky pirates, a little girl, a fallen general. What a wonderful cast we make, didn't we? I disliked all of them at first sight, but I thank God, that he taught me no man was perfect. I put up with them, and then grew fonder and fonder of their company.

Now that I am Queen, I cannot draw close to them, but I will never forget the blessing of their friendship.

Today, Dalmalsca has been restored to my hands.

It was not by my own power, nor by my own strength.

Sometimes I look out to the sky, and I wonder how small we humans are, compared even to the sky.

What more to the God of all creation, the Ancient of Ancients?

And that he would be so humble as to want to be my friend? Or to be the friend of all mankind, no matter how we try to turn away from him for our own foolish and short-lived pleasures?

I look at the new friends I had made this day, and I realized that mortals are many, because God too, had intended for us to be family. Though we may lose some along the way, we will meet and learn to love others.

I run the nation for God's purpose.

For yet many are to be born, many to grow on this earth, and I would like my kingdom to be a stronghold and fortress for good men to grow and prosper.

Though I'm aware that many men weep and sigh for me, saying my beauty is wasted for I will never remarry. They think I am destined to be alone. Yet they do not know the joy I feel in my heart that I lead a life of true purpose.

I wish every man to know my story. To know that though we cannot see the wind, it is there, we can feel its breeze.

I wish for them to know that we need to come under the umbrella of our creator, for if we stray away, we walk into a desert of the soul. For how can one walk away from God, who holds our entire world in his hands?