Authors Notes:
I get sort of lost as to where I was going midway through the chapter but please read it. There's a death mentioned in passing but er…yes. It is Duo and Quatre-centric…though they aren't a couple. But enjoy yo.

1x2, 3x4, past 5x4 and 5x3

Disclaimer:
I don't own Gundam Wing
I don't own the song 'Bad Moon Rising'
I don't own the warning but please heed that too!!!

Warnings
ahem the following program may contain scenes of violence, coarse language and nudity intended for adult audiences. Viewer discretion is advised.

Chapter 1

I Didn't Want a Hero

Dear Ishika,

Happy 15th Birthday. No amount of my apologies or well wishes can make up for the wrong I have done you. No amount of knowledge can make up for my selfishness, for my selfishness knows no bounds. I am sorry Ishika. I am sorry for leaving you after promising to care for you. But most of all, I am sorry that I am not strong enough to …that I am selfish enough not to return to you. What I ask of you now, is great. It is too great for what I have done to you and so you should feel free to reject my request. I ask that you know me. I ask that you know me as no one has known me.

At the end of the war I was sick. Not sick in the normal sense. My body was still healthy and I was still alive. I was twisted. No. That's not true either. I was weak.

I was just so tired. Just…so very tired, and it didn't end after the war. There was still so much to do and so much to make up for and I just wanted to disappear. After Dorothy stabbed me…I went and I fought and I won and I wish to Allah I let myself die. That was my intention, though I masked it well. But then it was over. It was over and Trowa called to me.

Trowa called to me. And I came. When I woke at the hospital I was pleasantly greeted with Trowa's verdant green eyes. In those eyes did I read the vigil he kept over me. In his heart I could feel the devotion, and in answer my heart swelled with love. In a few short moments Trowa and I knew the face of our souls, and it was each others. Soon enough, the door opened to reveal others: Duo, Sally, Une, WuFei… WuFei, my husband. Your Father.

You see. Or perhaps you don't. Une had come in to request our service to the Preventers. She had already seen Heero in the room over. He too was healing. And he had rejected her offer. He would only guard Relena and what she stood for and Une needed competent, and more importantly, trustworthy agents. Once Une stated this, I looked to Duo to see how he felt about his lover guarding another body. Duo was far stronger than I was and will continue to be stronger than I am. You ought to ask him sometime about his life if he has yet to tell you.

Once she had delivered her piece, she and Sally left so that we may talk it over. I asked Duo how he could accept Heero's wish to protect Relena and I remember Duo saying, "Heero doesn't want to protect just Relena. He wants to protect the world, and the best way to do that is by protecting Relena and the peace she stands for. He's a hero and I'll be damned if I ain't proud to be his lover." To him I forced a wan smile. The hurt on Duo's face caused me to blame the smile on my physical hurts. But it was not that at all.

Duo had just admitted to being a better person than I. Duo had just admitted to being strong and selfless as I always knew him to be. He had accepted Heero completely with his love. Duo understood that Heero needed him. Needed Duo's strength and devotion and Duo was ready to give it without asking for much in return. Duo understood that should the need arise, Heero would leave him and fight and die for whatever cause called him. And strong Duo, wonderful Duo…didn't mind being number two. Heero belonged to the world before Heero belonged to him. I could never live with that. No one knew my need. No one knew the depth of my need nor the strength of it. No one but your father.

Duo had agreed to be a Preventer, but only as a mechanic/computer technician/consultant. He wouldn't do any field work unless there was a dire need. Duo's heart is bigger than the known universe and just as gold as Heero's. He would sacrifice everything to maintain the peace.

WuFei had also agreed. He felt that being a Preventer was the only way to make up for his betrayal. His need to exact justice from himself and from the world made him a strong man. I am proud to say that I have had the love, as well as loved someone so honourable. Yes, I did love your father…and no my love for Trowa never diminished.

Trowa too, agreed to join the Preventers. I am very fortunate you know. I have known some of the greatest men and women in the universe. And because I felt the need to be like them. I followed suit in a different way. I used all my power as the Winner heir to help rebuild what I had broken. I devoted the next 4 years of my life to the colonies and the peoples once more. It didn't come naturally. The consequences of doing the right thing weighed heavily upon me and I became cantankerous.

No one could place my anger. I could barely place it. I was dissatisfied. I was dissatisfied by doing what was right…this is what makes me unable to measure up to my comrades. They had…have the strength I don't seem to. I feigned it well for as long as I could, but it ate at me. It consumed and ravaged me till all I felt was frustration and anger. I would see Trowa, my beautiful love, and feel how he loved me, and feel his concern, and feel his confusion. He couldn't understand me. He couldn't understand how I was so selfish. Our fights started out small, then grew large, and quickly became frequent.

It was during our last argument that I came up with a most ridiculous conclusion. I threw in Trowa's face that he didn't really love me. How could he love someone he couldn't understand? Calmly, as calmly as he did most things, he asked me, "How can I know, Quatrito? You never tell me." He gracefully slid over and put his slender, loving fingers oh-so-gently against my cheek.

"I know you, kechara. I know you, though I may not always understand," he pulled me close and placed my hand upon his chest. I could feel his heart beat…I could feel what was in his heart and I cried. "You can feel my love for you. I know you can. So why do you doubt? Do not fight me because you fear your weaknesses. I can only be your strength if you allow me to. You have, after all, always been mine. Strength that is." And then Trowa smiled that smile of his. It was his gentle 'let's-not-fight' smile and I knew he was right. But I spent too much time pretending to be strong that I wouldn't look weak. I don't even remember what the fight was about…only the end.

I pushed him away. I told him he was an idiot. He only loved me because he thought I was something else and I pushed. I pushed and pushed till he was out the door and I told him not to come back. If I really loved Trowa more than myself I would have known that my actions would hurt Trowa too deeply. I wanted him to come begging back. If he did I would have proof of his love. This of course is not true. Trowa spent a lifetime being rejected…I should have been the one to prove my love. I should have known Trowa would not beg to return. Trowa loved me too much to go against any of my wishes.

Three weeks later, during his next mission, he disappeared and WuFei and you returned. You were only four and stayed with the Preventers while WuFei came and knocked some sense into me. WuFei called me out for being the selfish little pig I was, and I got violent with him. Being a politician is not being a Preventer. He had me with my face against the ground before I could pull back my fist. Even during the war I was not best at hand to hand combat. He told me that Trowa had confessed the reason for his disappearance and that I should be drawn and quartered.

I looked at Wufei with my tearful eyes and told him yes this was true. I am scum…and to my surprise. WuFei's face softened. In the one admission he saw me as I really was. The selfish brat I have always been and have always wanted to be. He saw my need. That night…in complete betrayal to Trowa…I gave up my virginity to WuFei. That's right I was a virgin. I was cruel to Trowa and spurned his advances for four whole years. I was afraid I would, in the throes of ecstasy, admit to being a coward and a fraud. Come morning WuFei confessed his love of Trowa to me and apologized. For what, I'm still not certain.

A few days later he brought you home to me and came to stay. He said that it was out of his love for Trowa. So that should Trowa return I would be whole and ready to love him as he deserved to be. He helped me quit being the Winner heir and helped me accept myself. And while doing so, he fell in love with me. And I, with him.

It took time…our love. It really did. It grew slowly. It grew so slowly in fact, that I can't place when the changes began to occur. You were the clincher though. In the early days he hated me and I hated myself. But you loved us unconditionally. When I asked why you loved me so much you told me it was because WuFei did, "Fei Daddy loves you Ra Ma. So I gots to love you too." I laughed and asked why you loved Fei Dad. He saved you and you were proud of him. You told me that he loved you completely but was a hero. He was a hero. He went to the Preventers everyday and risked his life on active duty. I realized I was in Duo's situation. A situation I never wanted to be in. But you also helped me realize that even though WuFei understood and loved me, he could never stop being his true self. The honourable justice driven hero. I made a mistake with Trowa and didn't want to do it with WuFei.

It was with WuFei's death did I remember why I didn't want to love him. Why I resented Duo. WuFei had died saving an infant on a bus. The accident was horrible. He could have saved himself. He did actually. He could have waited for someone else to get the caterwauling child. But that isn't WuFei. WuFei is a hero. With a kiss on my hand and an assertion of his love he left to be a hero. In that moment I hated him. He chose the baby over me. This is the true avarice in me. And I know that WuFei chose no such thing. He was a great…truly great man and I loved him no more and no less than Trowa. When WuFei died…all the good he had given me died with him. You were seven and you were smarter than anyone. You saw my deterioration. Once I saw the fright in your eyes I remembered what WuFei knew. I couldn't be strong for you on my own. Just like I couldn't be strong for Trowa on my own. If Trowa, WuFei, and I…if we had loved each other at the same time…I could have been complete. I could have been strong. If Trowa were there for me to lean on I could have…what does it matter?

Ultimately, I could not stand alone for you. I needed someone to stand for me. So I left you with the people who I knew were the greatest and the strongest. I left you with Heero and Duo. I told them I needed to find Trowa. I needed to find the Trowa and love him as WuFei loved him. And I needed Trowa to love me as WuFei loved me. I needed to find the good in me again. They of course, accepted you with love and open arms. And I'm sure they've given you the best of lives.

I was hoping to be back by now. Your 15th birthday. So that I could see you and kiss you and love you as you deserve. But I'm not. That's why you hold this letter. Duo, who never lies promised to give it to you if I am not here.

I do not know what this letter means to you Ishika. I'm not quite sure what it means to me, but I'm glad you have it. Though I am not a hero like your Fei Daddy, and Hee Tousan, and Duo Da, I need to tell you. I love you. I love you and will be back. I will be a hero and I will love you and Trowa without being a brat. This I promise you.

With all my love,

Ra Ma

Ishika sat up on her bed. She had shed no tears. She was better than tears. She was very aware that Hee-tou and Duo-da were waiting with baited breath to know about what she read. But she still loved Ra-ma. She respected his privacy…but she wasn't stupid either.

Heero and Duo held each other closely in fear. They feared Ishika's tears. They feared that Quatre said that he commit suicide. Quatre left without a trace…not even Heero could track him. They were afraid of lord knows what. What were they supposed to do. What would Ishika want.

"DUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOO-DAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" She launched herself out of her room and attacked her braided uncle, "Yanno how you asked me what I wanted for my Birthday and you said 'anything, name it my sweet.' Wells, I know what I want now. I want to talk to Ra-ma." She smirked at Heero and Duo's shocked expressions. Then she smiled gently as there faces gave way to relief.

"We'll try our best, honey." Heero said stoicly as he lifted his coffee to drink and Duo beamed.

Yatta! Yatta!

I thought I'd never get that out and I got lost in the end but I swear to god if even one person reviews…good or bad I will update. I know I got a little lost in between there but I hope somebody enjoys it. It's trite and wyrd but what the hell!!! Please! I hope you enjoyed it.

--NawN ee