Padders: Hokai. My first fic in…oh, three years?

Orochimaru: Personally, I don't think you shouldn't be let near a keyboard, Padme.

Padders: What's that supposed to mean?

Orochimaru: Oh, nothing…Nothing at all.
Padders: I'll have Sevs nail you.

Orochimaru: Lies.

--

Chapter One: Letters are Troublesome

Usually, at the beginning of an adventure filled with action and suspense, the story will begin on a perfectly boring morning where nothing at all seems to be happening.

But in this case, it was not so.

Nara Shikamaru pulled himself back under the covers, grunting irritably. He didn't like festivals. As far as he was concerned, they were damned bothersome. Noisy crowds, overpriced food stalls and the smell of frying meat at every second turn.

It was probably something his team-mate, Chouji, would have enjoyed.

The Hidden Village of Konoha. The place had a festival every few weeks, at his recollection. What was it this time? The beginning of Spring, the end of Spring? Or had some noble clan proclaimed one of its members as their new heir? The boy didn't care. He shoved his hands over his ears for the time being, muttering something about 'finding a happy place'.

It was at that moment his mother ripped the covers off of her sons bed, announcing in a peeved tone,

'Breakfast is ready. Don't be like your father, and come downstairs.'

'Women are troublesome,' Shikamaru reminded himself as he staggered towards the breakfast table, the noise of the festival outside still ringing in his ears.

'Shikamaru,' his father yawned, the same irritable facial expression as Shikamaru spread across his face.

'You've got…mail.' He finished, downing his drink in two gulps, and handing a neat, white envelope to his son.

'How bothersome.' The boy replied, picking up the letter, and holding his tea in the other hand.

'Mail, it's often some pointless rabble about official business, or a long forgotten acquaintance rambling on about old times…' the sleepy chuunin mumbled quietly, trying to avoid his mothers glare.

Shikamaru ripped open the envelope, unfolded the message and placed it down on the table. A few moments passed, the only noise being the clamouring outside the Nara's home compound, and the chink of Shikamaru's father refilling his cup.

'I can't read this squiggly nonsense.' The boy said finally, folding the letter back up, and putting it into his jacket pocket. Another few moments passed, before Shikamaru's father yawned lazily, picking up his tea again.

'What do you mean?'

'It's not written in Kanji, and I don't think it's in our language, even.'

'Huh?'

Shikaku picked up the letter, scanning it quickly. He handed it back to his son, shrugging.

'That's English. Definitely not Japanese. Can't make heads nor tails of it, Shikamaru.'
Shikamaru's mother, Yoshino, sighed audibly.

'Neither of you paid attention in the academy's foreign language classes, did you?'

Shikamaru snorted, sipping his tea.

'I can kind of understand the language, but…you know…'
'Moving the pen across the paper is bothersome, am I right?' his mother growled, an eyebrow twitching visibly. Shikamaru had never learnt to write in English, despite the fact it was a requirement for shinobi to do so, as it was a widely used foreign language.

Shikamaru yawned audibly, stretching his arms back, and cracked both sets of knuckles in an attempt to wake up fully.

'I'm going to see the Fifth,' he said, a half-asleep look still decorating his face.

'Whatever for?' his father asked in the same, sleepy and unmotivated tone.

'I'm going to see if she understands this letter,' he replied, 'And I'm also going to complain about the noise.' He gestured towards the window, heaving a sigh. Festivals were definitely bothersome.

--

Uzumaki Naruto was nothing at all like Shikamaru. He loved festivals, no matter how crowded, expensive, or noisy. As long as ero-sennin wasn't there.

He had woken up several hours before Shikamaru had done, in order to be there in time for the start of the celebrations. 'In time', for Naruto was at least an hour beforehand, and most of the time he had spare from that he would spend either training, or knocking on doors excitedly, reminding half the neighbourhood that 'a very important day was beginning'. It was a little different this morning though. It began upon discovering a letter very similar to Shikamaru's. Unlike the Nara, Naruto could read romaji. But he still wasn't that competent with the English language, having spent his time at the academy in an even less efficient manner than Shikamaru.

'Ano…What's this crap?' the boy picked up the envelope, opening it roughly. 'I don't have time for missions today, the summer festival is way more exciting…' he unfolded the paper curiously. Kakashi-sensei was always late anyway.

HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY…

Of course Naruto had no idea what that meant. He picked up the envelope, which he had tossed aside without concern, and examined it carefully.

Naruto Uzumaki,

Second apartment on the third floor,

Block no. 19,

Hidden Village of Konoha

Aside from the numbers, Naruto only understood three words of the address, and they all referred to him. He ran his fingers through his blonde hair in bewilderment. Who the hell would send him a letter anyway? Especially one not written in his own language.

Naruto pocketed it, picked up his wallet, and left for Ichiraku Ramen.

It was probably some kind of prank from that Uchiha Sasuke bastard. He was much smarter than Naruto, so Naruto figured he could most likely pull off something stupidly annoying like this. Of course, Naruto wasn't going to fall for a joke like this. He was the master of all pranks. He had to figure out a way to get his own back on Sasuke.

Walking along, he devised a scheme for revenge. Something subtle, but completely crackpot at the same time, that should do it… Naruto became distracted for a moment, at the sight of one of his friends, out of the corner of his eye.

Why was Kiba burying letters in his front garden?

The boy was digging furiously on all fours, a handful of letters in his jaws, and a significant pile behind him. Akamaru's head burst out of it, and the dog barked happily at Naruto. The blonde was still staring at the letters, which he had just noticed, were identical to his.

'Hey, Naruto. Can you gimme a hand here?' Kiba growled, through a mouthful of envelope.

'Uhh…sure, but I was headed to the festival…'

'Just help me get rid of these.'

Naruto squatted next to Kiba, eyeing the envelopes curiously.

'You got some too?' Naruto asked, raising an eyebrow.

'Too?' Kiba sat up. 'I threw them out, burned them, tore them to bits.'

'Then why…' Naruto began, only to have his question answered by a snarl from Akamaru.

An extremely large bird had plonked itself on to the lawn where they were digging. It hooted loudly, dropping a collection of letters, and proceeding to then peck Akamaru before taking off again.

Kiba growled, shaking his fist at the bird, before stamping on the newly deposited documents.

'That, Naruto, is why.'

Naruto scratched his head for the second time. Sasuke's really gone and done a big one this time.

'Sasuke's been the one distributing these, I think, Kiba.' Naruto nodded his head while saying this, his arms folded tightly.

'You think?' Kiba sighed. 'Maybe you should ask him.'

Naruto snorted audibly, his bottom lip sticking out like an overripe tomato.

'Hell no, like I'm going to ask that stuck-up, no-good bastard…'

'Who's a stuck-up, no-good bastard?' a voice that was clearly Sasuke's growled icily from behind Naruto. The boy jumped.

'N-n-n-nobody, Sasuke-kun, nobody at all…'

'Really?' the eyebrows on the boys face were twitching irritably. 'I can think of lots of people…more specifically, you.' He shoved a letter into Naruto's hand, a scowl on his face.

Sasuke Uchiha,

Largest house out of nine,

Uchiha Clan Compound,

Hidden Village of Konoha.

'You got one too?' Naruto sounded even more puzzled.

'Quite joking around, idiot. Why did you send me this crap?'

'I didn't send it! I thought you sent it!'

'Why the hell would I do something like that?'

It was Naruto's turn to shove a letter in Sasuke's face.

'What the…' the boy pushed back his hair for a moment, holding up the letter.

'You see?' Naruto scowled. 'Now what the hell is going on here?'

This argument didn't particularly interest Kiba much. He shoved the remaining letters into the hole, and turned to Sasuke, whose face was now as red as his Sharingan.

'Oi. Sasuke.' The boy yawned, dusting his hands off. 'Would you mind…'
'Mind doing what?' the eyebrows were twitching more vigorously now.

'Just…fireballing these for me.'

'Fine.' The boy gestured his hand towards the letters, 'Those?'

'I was going to take mine to Tsunade no ba-chan.' Naruto sighed, folding his arms.

'Shut up, Naruto.' Sasuke mumbled coldly, forming a series of seals, only to be hit by an unidentified flying mass midway. There was a loud screech as it hit the ground.

'WHAT THE BLOODY HELL?' Sasuke grabbed his temples and flopped to one side.

Not one, but six birds were now sitting on the lawn, the last having hit Sasuke square in the head. The largest gave a hoot, as if to mock the boys sitting in front of it.

'Fine. Fine.' Sasuke stood up slowly, rubbing his temples. 'Naruto, would going to the Fifth involve any large and annoying birds?'
'Well, not really, but Tsunade no ba-chan is sort of a large and annoy...'

'Then it's settled.'

Kiba thrust a pile of dirt over his letters, picked up Akamaru, and followed the two genin towards the Village's main office.

--

Meanwhile, Shikamaru wandered through the festival, the mysterious letter in his pocket, and the unpleasant stench of salty ramen up his nostrils.

'Yeesh, what a smell. And the noise is unpleasant on it's own.' Shikamaru was now mumbling quietly to himself to prevent the possibility of a mental breakdown. God, how he hated crowds, and noise, and especially…

'Shikamaru-kuuun!' an exceptionally annoyed female voice called out behind him.

Damn it. What now.

'Shikamaru!' Yamanaka Ino looked more threatening than usual.

'What did I do NOW?' the youth was now on the verge of collapsing emotionally.

'This.' The blonde-haired kunoichi shoved a letter into his hands.

'You too, huh.' Shikamaru handed it back to her.
Females are just so troublesome.

'Stop playing games, Shikamaru! I've had like, a hundred of these this morning alone!'

'Look, before you have a complete breakdown, Ino, I'm going to see Hokage-sama about my letter.' He twitched slightly. 'Yes, Ino, I have a letter too. So, how about, I drag you along with me, since you obviously have the same kind of problem as I do at this moment in time.' Shikamaru was biting the inside of his cheek at this point.

Crap. Now she's going to kill me.

There was a pregnant pause.

'Shikamaru.' She began, 'You've never said that much to me before.'

'Yadda yadda yadda.' The boy sounded unusually annoyed, 'Does that matter?'

'No, not really. It was just surprising.'

'Are you coming to find out what this letter means, or not?'
'I know what it means, Shikamaru. I just think it's stupid.'

There was another pause.

'You know what it means?'

'Yes. I'll read it to you.'

Ino pulled the letter out and unfolded it.

Miss Yamanaka,

We would like to congratulate you on being accepted into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Normally we would accept students of a younger age, but special circumstances apply in this case.

As this will be your first year, we have provided here the information in order to reach the school.

The school train leaves at exactly 11 o'clock in the morning, from platform nine and three quarters, King's Cross station ,in London. Just look for where the other students are.

'Then follows a long list of books, items and clothing we're supposed to buy. Some joke.' Ino exclaimed in frustrated manner.

'Just come with me to see the bothersome old lady.' Shikamaru was getting tired of talking with her, and the festival was reaching it's peak business hours, around mid-morning.

'Alright.' Ino scrunched up the paper and stuffed it into her pocket unceremoniously.

The two teammates made their way up the seemingly never-ending flight of stairs that lead to Konoha's main office complex. Ino paused to look at the four carved faces of the previous Hokages on the cliff-face.

'You know…'

'What?'

'I've always wondered something.'

'What…'

'How come Tsunade-sama doesn't have her face up there, Shikamaru-kun?'

There was yet another long, and pregnant pause.

'I don't know, Ino. We have at least twenty more steps to go, perhaps you can ask the Fifth yourself, when we get there.'

After they had reached the top, of what seemed like several hundred steps, Shikamaru dropped to his knees. Ino blinked.

'What's the matter now?'
'I. Am never. Doing that. Again.'

'You could have just leapt up here using chakra.'

Shikamaru ignored her. Women are bothersome. Women are bothersome. He kept repeating this to himself quietly in his mind, hoping it might help.

Ino didn't have time to say anything else, as a crashing sound was heard coming from inside the building, visibly shaking it. Shikamaru hauled himself up.

I'm not having a good day. That much is obvious.

Shikamaru took a deep breath and counted to ten. If what was said about the Fifth's temper was true, then Shikamaru was about to face something much worse than his mother on a Monday morning.

Outside the Hokage's office, a group of genin stood. It appeared Shikamaru was not the only one having a bad day, and Kiba had been attempting to dispose of unwanted items again, in the usual way- digging.

'Naruto, she's obviously busy.' Kiba suppressed a growl with difficulty.

'I don't care! She has a responsibility as Hokage!'

'Give it a rest, Naruto.' Sasuke sighed, leaning against the door with one arm.

Naruto had been pounding on the door for some time, and the only reply the flustered boy had received was

'Naruto, not now.'

But Naruto was here now, and was going to speak with her now.

The door creaked open. And a clearly annoyed Hyuuga Neji peered out.

'What do you want, idiot? Didn't you hear?'

'Yeah, I did. But I wanted to know what this letter—'
'Letter?'

Neji ripped it from Naruto's hand. He scanned the envelope quickly.

'Damn. You were our prime suspect, Naruto.'

He opened the door fully, gesturing them inside.

Five other teenagers, including Neji, were lined up in front of Tsunade's desk, each bearing a sack, full of letters.

Neji, and the genin from teams 7, 8 and 10 all appeared to have exactly the same problem. Letters from a strange place called 'Hogwarts'.

'Look, I really have no idea what it means, you getting these,' Tsunade was saying this for the fifteenth time, 'They're obviously from overseas, but they are, indeed all addressed to the right people.'

This just caused even more commotion among the young ninja. Akamichi Chouji began munching even faster on his current bag of chips, and Ino and Sakura began arguing over who was the most likely suspect out of Shikamaru and Naruto. The Hokage slumped downwards into her desk, and called for her assistant.

'London is a city in England, so yes, these are foreign letters.' Shizune examined each of them carefully. 'And if you keep getting more, I suggest you reply, or even meet the demands of these messages. That would be the only way to find out what is really going on.'

Hyuuga Hinata raised her hand to speak shyly.

'Ano…But there is no sender address…does that mean..'

'Yes Hinata. The only way to uncover this is to go to this "Hogwarts" place.' Shizune replied, handing a letter back to Tsunade.

'Alright. I'll see if I can arrange some transport.' She took a long gulp of sake, and rubbed the bags under her eyes. 'Though I really don't see how it is important…'

Shizune shot her a glare.

'But I suppose if it is troubling these villagers of Konoha, then of course!'

At that moment, Shikamaru spoke, a note of irritation in his voice.

'So, all ten of us, are being dispatched to a place we've never heard of until now, simply to discover the person behind this incredibly ingenious prank?' he took a breath, 'What about our missions?'

The Hokage paused, taking several deep breaths. This had to be the weirdest day she'd had, since the time when she was made to do community service for street-drinking of all things.

I really must re-examine that law.

She opened her eyes, which now held the expression of 'why-am-I-here?'

'The academy students of this year are almost ready to graduate, and even with you gone, there are plenty of your year's rookies to take your place.' She paused for some more liquor. 'Simply put, missions will be taken by other genin, which would normally be accepted by you guys.'

'I see…' Hinata rubbed her nose.

'If Hinata-sama goes, I'm going with her.' Neji announced, peering over his cousin's shoulder. Tsunade seemed as if she wanted to end the discussion quickly, and leant against her hand in an expression of extreme boredom, not unlike Shikamaru's. Paperwork seemed friendly right now.

'Did you receive a letter?' Shizune asked, since Tsunade had clearly had enough of the issue, and more than enough sake.

'It was addressed to both of us. We both received one, though.'

'You all received these letters?'

'Why else would we be here?' Naruto shoved his face across the desk.

'Then I'll make arrangements for you to get to London.'

The woman grinned, and in concluding the discussion, managed to pry the sake bottle from Tsunade's fingers.

Shikamaru made his way back home, staring at the littered ground.

As he approached the front yard, he looked up at the sky, shoving his hands into his pockets. What exactly was he going to tell his mother? 'Hey oka-chan ,I'm going to some place called London, to investigate some random letter I received this morning, so I'll send postcards, alright?'

Like that was going to make her happy. The boy heaved a long sigh.

'I wonder if the clouds are different in England…'

--

Padders: Well, that wasn't so hard.
Orochimaru: Where the hell am I in this story?

Padders: You'll be in a suitcase on the back of the Hogwarts express if you don't watch it.

Read and Review please.