It hurts. Day after day, night after night. It hurts- it hurts! The experiments never seemed to let up. It was always one thing or the other- something always had to be going wrong. There was always some aspect of him that had to be fixed. Or maybe everything was right and all of this pain was supposed to be normal. These tests were nothing more than a daily exercise, something that signified everything was actually going right.
But he didn't like them. All they ever did was bring him pain, and no matter how much he listened to the distorted voices though the layers of liquid and glass, he could never understand why. Why these people were doing these things to him.
He could recognize them all by face now, if not by some word he thought was their name. How long had it been, exactly? Nine- maybe ten- years? It was hard to tell. Week after week, going through the same tests, through the same poking and prodding. It never yielded, not for a single day out of those long years.
They called him by name, but the name seemed like nothing more than a label. Some word they could type onto a piece of paper and put on his forehead. The name wasn't that of a person, but rather a subject. Tabris they called him. It was the label he had gotten used to. Something he learned to respond to. It should have meant more than it did, really, but years of hearing it over and over as if it was some word thrown around for centuries; a word that had eventually lost or warped its definition over time. It meant close to nothing now.
There were always more needles to fit in his arms, either injecting or drawing various fluids. When they weren't invading his body, he was probably in that sad excuse of a room. The metal box that held nothing more than a cot where he could touch all four walls from any mid-point of the place. These were the moments he was completely alone; if he ignored the camera in the top corner, of course. Certain days would allow him to sneak off to that room with a blade in hand. He always clutched the blade tightly, afraid one of those men would come and take it from him. This blade was the only thing he had. Dragging it across the skin of his wrists and watching as the droplets of blood formed and dripped down was the only thing he had. He was in charge of his own pain, his own blood. How it was drawn and how much was lost. These slits were the only thing that brought him any sort of comfort.
They hated to see those scars on his wrists. It was obvious by how they grumbled to each other, writing things down on the papers in front of them with a stronger grip on their pens then usual. He liked evoking this reaction from them. He had done something they didn't approve of, something they didn't directly tell him to do. It was his choice, his decision. It was the only thing they couldn't control.
Lately they seemed to be letting him go earlier. He could go back to his room and spend more time alone. But it didn't take long for that to grow boring. He decided to go out, walk around the lab to see what there was to see. He had been there for as long as he could remember, but he barely knew anything about the place. There were the rooms that he was always transferred between, but what about the rest of the it? There had to be plenty of places he hadn't seen yet, and he was right. Doors and hallways everywhere you looked, all leading to different rooms. He found some strange object that was not like anything he had ever seen before behind one of those doors. It was large, much like a lot of the lab equipment he was so used to, but it was made from different materials. It was black with four legs and a row of white things at the front of it. After observing it for awhile, he approached it. After approaching it more, he reached out and touched it; one of the white things at the front. It gave way under the touch of his finger and let out a sound. He flinched back, blinking at the thing for a moment before reaching out to cause a sound again. This sound was different than the first, and it raised his curiosity. He again pushed down one of the rectangles, one after another, filling the room with a combination of different pitches. He smiled to himself and sat down on the bench in front of the thing.
Hours must have past while he was there, pushing down keys and making different sounds. Creating them gave him such a wonderful feeling. The sounds made him feel at ease. He found which keys sounded the best together and which didn't until he was able to put enough notes together that they lasted for several minutes. The smile never faded from his face once during the entire session.
He knew everything that they needed him to now. It wouldn't be long before he was transferred from this place to another. His job as an angel was to reach the main vassal and start the Third Impact. It was what he was ordered to do- he didn't have any other choice. It was no different than the tests he had been put through every day until now. They even gave him a new name for this task- Nagisa Kaworu. It was the name he had to go by when he was among the lilim.
His eyes scanned the music sheets in front of him, burning their pattern into his mind. He hummed the melodies to himself as he went, his fingers following along on the keys. It was the last song he would be able to play before he was transferred. He hoped to himself that there would be another piano in the place he was going. Everything would be completely different, but if he still had that one thing, then it couldn't be too bad. Either way, he would complete his job as soon as he could, and it would all finally be over.
It was strange going to school. There were many more people than he was used to being around, and a lot of them seemed to become really attached to him. He would smile back to them as they talked to him, even if he didn't really understand why they were putting all this time aside to talk to him specifically. He was getting along well otherwise. His grades were good and he was always one of the best in gym. And best of all, it turned out that the school did have a music room. He was able to play whenever he had some free time. Even without all these things, he was glad to be away from the place he used to take residence. The outside world and the lilim in it were much more interesting than the lab could ever be. Even if he knew the time would be limited, he liked it better here.
He noticed one of the other students- a boy who stood out to him more than the rest. The boy was another pilot working at NERV. They had plenty of opportunities to speak with one another, but it seemed the boy was avoiding him. It was such different behavior from the students that looked as if they would do anything just to talk to him. He wanted to talk with this boy.
His name was Shinji. After they spoke for the first time, they were able to spend a little more time together. It made him feel a little warmer somehow, being next to this boy. The feeling was strange, but it was not completely unpleasant. He liked it. He wanted to spend more time with Shinji, and was happy whenever they were able to. But Shinji still acted strange around him, and it didn't take long for him to find out why. Shinji told him about his feelings. Any suddenly, he was afraid. Terrified, really. He felt there was nothing he could do but turn and walk away from Shinji. He didn't want to, but what other choice did he have? He was different from Shinji, completely so. He was afraid of hurting him further.
He never stopped thinking about Shinji, however. The boy was all he could ever think of now. He wanted to see him more, spend more time with him. But the time was already coming to pass. The task he was assigned that he never really gave much thought to now weighed heavily on his mind. All he could think of was Shinji; how he didn't want anything to happen to Shinji. If he died, then the Third Impact wouldn't have to happen, and Shinji would be saved. It wasn't any different to him- he would still be set free either way. But this way, his death would be his own decision, his own choice, and that thought felt better to him.
And so, he was destroyed.
–
It hurts. Day after day, night after night. It hurts- it hurts! Why was this happening again? Was all of that nothing more than an illusion? No, it couldn't have been. It all felt so very real. But there was no doubt that he was back in this room, blade in hand and blood dripping down his wrists. The skin there had been previously unscathed. The only scars there were new. What happened to the old ones? What was happening to him?
The piano was still there. He remembered how to play. The countless sheets of music that he spent hours memorizing still seemed fresh in his mind. But so were the memories and feelings of the tests. The experiments that he had to go through all over again. He looked back down to his wrists, looking over them again for some sign of the old scars. But he couldn't find them.
That's when he thought of Shinji again. What happened to Shinji? He was concerned, but the familiar news of his transfer brought him some comfort. He was given the same lilin name, given the same place of transfer. Maybe Shinji was there again. He was able to smile to himself at the thought. Even if he had to go through these fourteen years of torture again, he would be able to once more meet with Shinji.
No one at the school remembered him, but they all acted the same- flocking around him every opportunity they got. But all he wanted to do was see Shinji, and to his joy, it turned out that the boy was there once again. Shinji, like the others, didn't remember him. But it seemed the boy harbored the same feelings for him as last time, and he didn't feel as terrified of that thought now. He just wanted to spend more time with the boy, and was glad that he was able to. He had come to understand the warmness he felt around Shinji better. He identified it with both the same feeling that caused him such fear before and the feeling that Shinji had earlier expressed to him. He wanted to express this to Shinji somehow in return, tell him these feelings and how much they've grown since they first met so long ago. This time, they made a promise to play music together, and he was able to kiss him.
But it was all too late. The promised time came again, and he had to once more ascend to the Central Dogma to start the Third Impact. But just as last time, he didn't want to. He wanted Shinji to live, and wanted himself to be set free.
And so, he was destroyed.
He was used to this pain now, but it still wasn't pleasant in the least. He still hated it and wondered why it was happening again. Why couldn't it just end and be completely done with? But it was different this time. When he found himself staring down at his unscathed wrists, he dropped the blade. The time that he met Shinji would come again, just as all this pain did. If he had to endure it for him, he would.
Shinji gave him everything. He gave him free will, ultimate freedom, optimism, and even a meaning to his life. A purpose beyond all the liquid and glass he was shut behind every day. Beyond the papers and labels and orders he was expected to carry out and carry out in all the right ways. He didn't need a blade to give himself a sense of control- he had it given to him by that boy. Ikari Shinji; the lilin he had fallen for.
And that time did again come. He saw Shinji again. He spent more time with him. And overall, he felt much better. This time, he told Shinji he loved him. Shinji stayed with him that night, and he was happy to have that time to be beside him. He gazed at the boy as he slept with such loving eyes. At the boy that gave him everything- the boy he owed everything to.
It was no different now- their time together was limited as it always had been. He once again had second thoughts about starting the Third Impact, and waited for Shinji to catch up with him in Central Dogma. For every moment he was able to spend with the lilin boy again, he was thankful, and only wished that there was some way he could repay the boy for the things he had done for him. He wanted Shinji to be happy- the boy was such a sad and lonely soul. If there was anything he could have done for him, he would have done so. After all, it was the least he could do for someone that he owed the world to.
But his time had already come to a close. It was either his orders or his own free will and Shinji's life.
And so, he was destroyed.
–
Normally, he could count the ways that this time differed from the rest. Count the little subtleties in the people around him or the events that occurred. But this time, it was completely different. It may have started out similar in some ways, but there was a point where everything turned and went in the opposite direction.
But his feelings didn't change. If anything, they only got much stronger. And he had already made a silent promise to himself that this time, he would make Shinji happy. This would be the time he would repay the lilin for everything he was given.
It didn't matter how long he had to wait. If it was for Shinji, he would wait for a thousand years and die a hundred times more, or however much it took to bring Shinji the happiness he wished for. This time, everything would be perfect. It would all go as he planned it to.
When he was finally able to meet with Shinji, he felt the happiness he always did beside him. Playing piano with him brought him so much joy, and reminded him of a promise they made so long ago to play together. Shinji showed him that he could find comfort and happiness in even the simplest little things if he was beside the person that made him feel that way in the first place. He thought more about these simple little things that he normally didn't take the moment to consider. Even after all this time, after all Shinji had given him, the boy continued to give him even more.
He wanted to get closer to him, to once more tell him that he loved him. But he knew that he couldn't. He saw the pain Shinji had gone through because of his feelings. Even if everything went as he planned, getting too close to Shinji this early, when things were still this uncertain, was risky and dangerous. The last thing Shinji needed was more pain.
It was because of this that he didn't really want to tell him the truth, but he would if it was what Shinji desired. He knew that although him wanting to know was probably inevitable, it would bring nothing but pain to the boy. But even with the new knowledge, self-loathing, and distrust that now plagued Shinji's mind, he was able to get the boy to trust him once again. They would be able to sort it all out together, and Shinji would finally be happy. He loved to see Shinji's smile as they worked together, to see the hope in his eyes that rarely ever made an appearance. Everything would be all right. It would all be fixed and Shinji would be forgiven. This is what he wholeheartedly believed.
But it was then it all went wrong. He had been tricked and used. Everything had shifted in an instant from hope to failure. Even with this, with the pain and regret he felt flooding his mind, he tried his best to smile. To speak in a comforting manner, to console Shinji in his last moments. No matter how much it upset him, how much he wished there was still some other way, there was nothing more he could do that hadn't already been done.
And so, he was destroyed.
–
He was there once again- sitting at the edge of his bed while staring down at his unscathed wrists, blade tightly held in his hand. He had failed Shinji after promising to help him, promising to finally make him happy. Shinji had given him everything, yet he was unable to give back that much? It wasn't for a sense of control anymore. As he glanced to the blade, he felt he deserved the pain this time. Yet, he still hesitated. After the first cuts into his wrist, he felt regret. He couldn't just sit there and wallow in these feelings- he had to start again. He had to find Shinji, to finally bring him what he had promised.
He loved him, after all. More than anything. Shinji, to him, was the most beautiful thing in the entire universe- completely deserving of the love and kindness void from his life. He thought back to his distant memories, to the time he and Shinji first met. Even if it was a subconscious decision, he knew then that he would be the one to bring those things to him.
He would stay strong and devote every living moment to the boy who deserved it all. Even if he had to sacrifice his own contentment and joy, throw away any sense of self and comfort, he would do it. If it was for Shinji, he would wait for a thousand years and die a hundred times more, or however much it took to bring Shinji the happiness he wished for.
–
It hurts. Day after day, night after night. It hurts- it hurts!