"You won't remember me."
Alice woke up, tears streaming down her cheeks. Whatever she had been dreaming of was all ready fading away, but that horrible sense of loss stayed, causing her to break into sobs. She wrapped her arms around herself and cried miserably until the hiccups started.
The first hiccup caught her by surprise mid sob because after all, Alice's hiccups had to be as singular as the rest of her. No small lady like hiccups for her, but great gasping things that made her whole body shake comically. The second one had her starting to sniffle. The third one gave her a small giggle, and by the fourth one she was laughing enough that the empty feeling that had clamped itself around her heart eased until it was just a shadow of sadness. That shadow had seemed an almost permanent fixture lately. It was so constant that the only time it moved from the corner of her mind to the forefront was when she woke up from her dreams. When she was a child the shadows had terrified her. She had always believed that whatever hid in the shadows would eventually pull her in and she would never be able to escape. But lately, the shadows didn't seem scary at all. She had started to believe that whatever thrives in the shadows might be just as wonderful as the things thrive in the light.
Actually, ever since she had hit her head right after Hamish's arrogantly dull marriage proposal, she was reconsidering a lot of things. Well to tell the truth, almost everything that she had been taught to hold tightly to for most of her life. Like her face being more important then her mind, needing a high ranked and wealthy husband, and how one's hair must always be perfectly coifed.
"And that is exactly why," she announced to her pillow, "I told Hamish no, and will be leaving for China today."
It wasn't just the way Alice viewed life that had changed since she had hit her head. It was as if some invisible barrier in her mind that kept her from truly being herself had vanished; been battered down by the blow to her head. Not that she was complaining! Far from it, she was immensely happy with the recent changes in her attitude. It was quite freeing, the ability to be one's self, to not have to hide behind polite phrases and proper attitudes. And the looks on people's faces were often some of the best rewards. The only down side to it was her dreams.
Her dreams had upset her even as a child, but at least they had always been the same and she had some memories of them when she woke up. Now the only thing she could catch was that sense of losing something important. That she had given up something dear. But why would she be feeling that way when the only thing she had given up recently was a chance to be the future Lady Ascot? No great loss there.
But losing her childhood dreams? At this point it was indeed a loss. No more strange animals dancing; only echoes of voices that no matter how hard she strained her thoughts, she simply could not recognize. And even then very little real sense of words; mostly just the sounds and cadences of them.
One was a woman's, soft, soothing, and melodious even when it went cold as ice. Another was male, smooth as cream and slippery as silk. And another man whose voice was haughty and biting. But the one she heard most often was as changeable as the weather. Male, definitely male, she thought as the memory of it sent slight shivers over her skin. Cheerful and slightly lisping one moment, angry and dark the next. In fact she had thought for a time that it might be two voices. They did seem to speak in two completely different accents, but the more she tried to focus on it, the more she believed she was dreaming of one person with two voices. What that meant about the state of her mind…well, it didn't really matter. If this was the price she had to pay for suddenly being happy and free, then she would accept it. Not that it seemed she actually had any choice about it.
She climbed out of bed and went to look out her window. It was dark, her voyage still many hours away. No wonder the disturbing dreams (yet somehow forgettable and really how something could upset her so and still be forgotten was beyond her!) had become nightly disturbances. This was the most exciting, terrifying thing she had ever done in her life. She had barely eaten the night before and doubted she would be able to put down anything at breakfast. Which she reminded herself, was a good thing since she had never been on a voyage before in her life. Her father had used to tell her the funniest stories about men whose stomachs could not handle the up and down motion of the boats. It didn't seem quite as funny now that she was the one risking her stomach.
But oh, the worries over her stomach were nothing compared to how excited she was. I'm going to see China, she thrilled exultantly. She had read as much as she could the past few weeks and the idea of this place that was like another world was nothing short of wondrous.
She stared at the stars. Would they look the same on the other side of the world? She opened the window and let the soft breeze blow her sleep tousled curls back from her face. She slowly reached up a hand to the sky, enjoying the image of the stars seeming to rest on her fingertips. Lately, it seemed as if the stars were the only friends she had. They listened and did not judge. Quite the contrary, they seemed to silently approve, twinkling their agreement when she told them of her joys and her fears.
Everyone else thought she had gone mad of course. If nothing else leaving today would be a blessing to get away from the near constant arguments. Her mother had used every method possible to try and convince her not to leave; from bribery ("Darling, we'll make sure you have the loveliest wedding dress any bride has ever seen.") to outright emotional blackmail ("If you do this I'll never be able to show my face in public again! How can you hurt me like this?"), but she had stood firm. She wanted this path. And if people believed she had taken leave of her sense, then all the better! They used to say the same thing about her father and look where he had ended up. A highly successful businessman, as well as an adored father and husband. Alice could think of worse ways to end up. Well not as a husband, her gender rather excluded that notion, but adored by her family? She could be quite happy with that. Current reactions however made that idea almost laughable.
Her sister was no better then their mother, thinking Alice was just nervous about the idea of marriage. "Alice, married life is wonderful. I was frightened at first as well, but Lowell is so wonderful, and Hamish will be just as wonderful. Being is frightened is natural, but you can't let it make do something like this!" Ha! If Hamish was just as wonderful as Lowell, then she could not wait to be as far away from him as possible. Of course she was frightened, frightened of ending up just like her sister, trapped with a man that she did not love her or even respect her to keep his trysts a secret. A man like Hamish would never encourage her dreams, or smile at impossible flights of fancy. No instead her life would be become a never ending stream of quadrilles, corsets, and stomach blockages! Rather then appreciate as many as six impossible things, he would try to forbid her from even having one! Not if she could help it! The girl she had been a few weeks before this had been willing to accept it. Perhaps she needed to trip over rabbit holes more often?
"If I ever get married," she declared to her sparkling confidantes, "It will be to a man that believes me to be just as important as he is." Her father would have agreed with her. After all, hadn't he been the one to teach her about the family business? If he hadn't wanted her to stand as his equal as well as any other mans, why else would he have made sure to teach her things that no simple wife would need. How to barter, how recognize the quality of a product, how to read a contract, and so many other things that no proper wife and mother would need or care to do. Perhaps this had been his plan all along, but he had died too young to be able to inform her. Or perhaps he had thought she was too young at the time of his passing. But either way, Charles Kingleigh's daughter was ready to following his footsteps.
"I'll make you proud," she whispered softly. "I'll make the journeys that you didn't get to make, and I'll make sure that your company becomes everything that you dreamed it would and more. Even if no one else is proud of me, I will make sure that you are." As though he had heard her, her eyes were suddenly blinded by a ray of light.
She blinked in surprise. The sun was coming up. How long had she been standing there thinking to herself? It seemed as if only moments ago the stars had still been performing their nightly dance across the sky. A wave of sadness came over her. She had hoped to say goodbye to them just in case they were different in the sky across the seas and above China.
"Leave it to me to get homesick before I've even left," she told the rising sun, who was not quite the friend that the stars were, but still comforted her by being there. Turning away from the window, she decided that she would go double check her luggage before washing and bathing. Today her adventure would begin.