We want to make sure that the story you are
reading is suitable for the audience reading it it.
This story has been rated Slash: Which means that
it's not suitable for an homophobic audience or an
audience under the legal age of their country. It
means that the film you are watching will contain
the scenes and expressions of a SameSex relation-ship
of either Female/female or Male/male kind. It might
go from the simple announcing of love between two
people of the same Gender to actual Sexual scenes
which might be unsuitable for you if you are from
above category.
Slash certificate give you the right to choose your
story to your liking
And now to the feature film...aahhmm...story ;)
Title: But nothing changed.(when he heard himself say it)
Author: Strange Music
Fandom: Full House
Pairing: m/m
Summary: Sometimes we change a lot with the meaning of a single
word, maybe even ourselves.
Archive: yes
Email: strange_music@hotmail.com
Web Page:
http://www.zyworld/strange_music/ (Multi Media Slash Page)
http://home.germany.net/100-164832/Slash/Slash.html (The
Sentinel)
Sequal: Definitely. Actually I wanted them already to be together
in this part. They said otherwise so we met in the middle.
But Slashy didn't like the idea. She said that it was to fast. ;)
Disclaimer: None of the Characters in, around and out...of Full
House belongs to me. Or will ever belong to me. A fact by that I
am not really bother much. Now Jim, Blair and some others are
quiet a different thing. But this is a another story and will be told
another time.
Warnings: Actually none I can think of...If you think that there
should be tell me.
Feedback: Seek and live for it. It is my little blue happy
pill to keep the bad thing called RL in cage.
A few words: This story was written because of the ongoing treat
on Rare Slash that was seeking for a Full House Slash Story.
Unfortunately this reminded Slashy my Muse that she had been
thinking about this for some time. Hence she provided me with a
story. Whether I wanted or not ;)
Hope you enjoy it!
But nothing changed...(when he heard himself say it)
by
Strange Music-;
How could they.
He had trusted them.
Behind his back.
The thoughts were running through his mind as he sat at the back-
porch, furiously cleaning the wooden plackets into seemingly none-
existence. Everything had been all right this morning. The girls had
gone to School and he had brought Michelle to Kindergarten. It was
only then that he realised that he had forgotten his notes on the
coffee table. There was nothing more fun, in a bad way, than
realising 50 minutes to the show that his notes where none-
existence. Turning around he drove back to the house, quickly
finding them lying on the table exactly where he had left them.
Now it was a straight line to the show. Crossing the living Room to
the door he already fingered for his car-keys
Then something had struck him as strange, it was the fact of how
quiet the house was. Normally with Jessie and Joey alone it was
either Blasting Rock'n'Roll or Cartoons at a force that allowed the
neighbour kids to listen as well. And he knew for certain that at
least one of them was supposed to be at home.
Silence was not good.
Silence was what him suspicious.
In a way they were kids as much as his daughters were. Bigger
Kids same rules. Silence was bad. It was the time he knew that
planes where made that he wasn't going to like.
But then another thought crossed his mind.
Accidents, there was another reason for silence. Jessie with all his
high-tech equipment down there. He had told him a long time ago
how dangerous it could be.
And Joey. Well to call him a walking potential accident would
simplify things too much. He still had the memories of last weeks
ER treatment for trying for repair a toy-cars and in the way to do
so cutting himself a long tear on his arm.
What if the wound had opened?
Putting the keys back into the trousers he had turned around. The
living Room was empty, that much he knew. So where the upper
rooms and the kitchen. When, just as he was about leave again, a
silent whisper from Joey's Room caught his attention. Followed by
a short moan.
He stopped.
Another moan.
Definitely Joey.
He had been right Joey was hurt. And to stupid to tell him when he
had left. He could have talked to Jessie. Donning his jacket and
shoes at the beginning of the stairs he walked down with a worried
expression on his face.
All kind of images swirling through his mind.
None of them coming close to the one that greeted him.
Sure Joey was lying in bed and the moans that he had heard had
been his. But by god, pain must have been the furthest thought in
his mind. Especially with a bare-chested Jessie just trying to
extract his tonsils.
And his hands roaming in a region he better not thought about right
now.
"Oh my GOD!" he didn't even realise how loud he had said it, till
he saw the two scramble apart from each other in a desperate
attempt to make it look normal. Panicked gazes that looked with his
own.
But he had seen too much.
Way too much.
Words were nowhere to be found, and when he started looking for
them, they just slipped through his finger. His mind which had
gone numb at the sight was now starting to give orders. Short
precise and to the point.
'Leave'
He had to go. Only then, he could wake up from this nightmare.
Strange, how even in his dream had given Jessie the perfect hair
that he was so proud of
'Work is waiting.'
Why would he have to go to work if this was a dream. Sure, he had
been known to clean the kitchen in his dreams. But it just wasn't
the same as imagining his two bed friends ravaging each other in a
double bed.
Would it be in their minds to play a joke on him. Maybe that's
what it was. A joke. But the panicked look in their faces spoke
otherwise.
It was Joey that found his ability to speak first, talking to him in a
serious tone that he hadn't heard since Sarah had died.
Why would he dream Joey of being serious? But then again it was a
nightmare after all.
"Look Danny, I want to explain..."
But he only held his hand up, to stop any explanation that might
have come forward.
"I need my jacket. I have to go to work." He heard himself mutter.
"Danny!" Desperate pleading, pain evident. "Please listen to me!"
Without another answer he turned around.
'Upstairs'
In his daze his missed the corned a sharply slammed his toe at it.
'Pain'
But that was ridicules. There was no pain when you are dreaming.
Pain was the only way to find out if you where dreaming or not. So
maybe he was dreaming the pain as well.
He concluded that he was.
'Key's, Jacket, Car, Work'
It sounded fairly simply and manageable, even in his state of mind.
And when the door slammed into the lock behind him, he thought
that he had heard Joey call for him another time. A strange sob in
the voice. Why would he imagine Joey crying. His friend was fun
and games ever since they had been kids. He had been his rock in a
lot of tough times.
'No Joey didn't cry.'
'It was just this strange dream.'
And with that thought, he got into the car and drove off.
***~~~***
How he managed to get to work, was still a wonder in his mind.
Maybe the fact that on a certain instinct level he had still been able
to function. Or that it was true what he had said the other day, that
he knew the way to work by heart. If it was neither or both he
would never find out.
He only knew that they had recorded the show in a time that had
been unheard of. And that he, to the puzzlement and worries of his
co-workers had spent the rest of the day silently gazing into
nothing.
Okay. It had been nothing for them What he had seen was far, far
from nothing. The scene of this morning running in front of his
mind like a broken record.
And he didn't know what was worse. Wishing for the ability to
change things while he still had the chance or knowing to a fact that
he never had one.
And there was another Question. One he had heard all day long
today. "What is bothering you?"
It was a good one. What was bothering him, so much about all this?
And time passed.
He remembered coming home after work.
All hopes for the whole thing just being a nightmare quickly
squashed by the two guilty gazes that greeted him. No words had
been spoken. They had waited for him.
But he couldn't talk to them.
Perhaps later.
Time had passed.
Each minute increasing the worries that he could see on his
daughters faces, especially TJ and Stephanie's. Thank God that
Michelle was still to young to grasp the whole thing. But even she
understood that there was a problem. It wasn't normal that Joey
was silent, that Jessie had his hair ruffled and that their Dad left the
dirty dishes in the sink.
They knew something had happened.
But before they had been able to ask him he had retreated to the
backyard with a bottle of cleaning fluid and a mumble of wanting to
be alone.
Thank god they had accepted it.
Now 1 hour later.
Sitting on wooden plackets that hadn't been that clean the day the
house had been built.
And a head that had cleaned with the cleaning fluid as well.
It was easier to think now. Especially in more than a few words.
And just as he was about to go inside, he felt someone coming up
to him.
"Danny?"
Was he supposed to answer, after all they both knew that it was his
name. Confirming it would be senseless.
"Please Danny we have to talk about this" The desperation in his
voice was back. And he was torn between wanting to comfort the
man that meant so much to him and telling him to go away.
Was this the reason that he had reacted so strongly? There was an
answer but he sure as hell wasn't sure if he liked it.
"Danny please?" the hitch was back and when he looked over he
saw the tears building in his eyes.
He moved a few inched to the left, giving Joey the place and the
okay to sit down.
"I know we should have told sooner?"
"How long?" Okay, his mind might have stocked up on words but
his mouth was still the short sentence kind. It was as if he knew that
he would choke if he tried to put out more then a few out of his
mouth. Better make the few count clear.
"Four month..it was when we."
"It would be nice if you could spare me the details" Wow, an
whole sentence.
A tear was running down Joey's face, but his eyes were to caught
up in Danny's own to even notice it.
"I don't know how it happened. I guess we where both kind of
lonely. Jessie needed someone and I needed someone to make me
forget. We didn't tell you because we where afraid of how you
would react."
A small smile. "And right you were. In a way I was a lot happier
while I didn't know."
"As seen this morning. Beside we though that much. Even when we
didn't quiet imagine it quiet that way. We thought about telling you
someday. But always pushed it forward another day."
"Till today became the other day."
"Of all the way we wanted to tell you this was not among them." A
pause "Why did you come down in the first place?"
"I heard you moan," he whispered feeling the blush creep up his
face. "I thought you were hurt."
"Oh." was all he heard as he watched an equal colour rise on his
friends embarrassed face.
Silence
"I am so sorry Danny. Please forgive me"
He looked at Joey. His friend always wore his heart on his sleeves.
Tears of a clown. It took a lot to bring it out. Too much time spent
in hiding all feelings beside the funny. It was as if at one point of
his life he had decided that he was supposed to spend his life inside
a facade of entertainment.
When had it started. Not when they were kids. It had been there but
not to an extend.
School.
He had used the jokes to defend himself against the others. The
bully's that beat him up. And the kids that didn't let him be around
because he was different in a ways that made only sense to them.
They accepted him as the clown. A clown didn't have to be a
person as long as he made enough joke to keep you happy.
Afterward you just left him where he was. Clown didn't feel when
you yelled at them, Clowns didn't hurt when you insulted them.
But Joey had. And he remembered the hours he had spent
confronting a crying boy on his shoulder and telling him that it
would be better someday. And that he would be there for him no
matter what.
So when had he changed
**Joey...I have met the most wonderful Women in the world.**
So he hadn't imagined the seconds of heartbreak that he had seen in
his friends eyes. The hug afterwards had been long. Long enough
to set up a mask on a face that was treating to slip.
He had been too happy back then too realise it.
The mask had appeared back then.
And it explained the week that he had been gone after he had
announced his wedding with Sarah.
Puzzle pieces that fell into place. Situation that made so much more
sense now.
Hindsight is always 20/20 they say.
They were both still looking straight ahead.
"Joey." he whispered as he looked over.
Eyes closed in anticipation of what to come.
"Who is the person you need to forget?"
The fear the widened his friends gaze was almost already the
answer he had expected. Joey apparently hadn't expect him to pay
much attention to what he had been saying
Stumbled speech...almost stuttering. "It is no one you know. Not
important. You know this girl that I met" while his eyes pleaded
'Please don't ask any further, you might not like the answer'.
"You sure?"
"Yes Danny I am sure."
He felt Joey's attempt for retreat.
Laying a hand on his shoulder he stopped his rising. "Stay please..
I am sorry."
Sitting again side by side in silence he still wasn't able to stop his
thoughts of going back to the one thought.
"Was it me Joey?"
This time Joey jumped up with a speed that was seldom with him
and if he hadn't lunged at him at last moment he would have run
back into the kitchen.
Furious eyes linked with his own.
"Was it *me* Joey?" more force underlying the question.
"Yes" the answer was almost hissed in anger, but then as quickly
as it had appeared the fight was gone out of him again leaving only
a weary sadness behind "Yes it is you. You happy now?"
Eyes that weren't able to meet with his. Slummed shoulders, that
looked like a Dog about to receive a beating.
His mind wrapped around the facts that he had heard. Suspecting
something, was something different then actually hearing it
confirmed. And the what was even stranger, that it didn't bother
him as much as he thought it would. As a matter the feeling were
complete different.
"Why?"
The answering laughter was a strange mixture between a sob and a
laughter. "Why? Why did I fall in love with you? What do you
think. That I decided one day, heck why not. That I drew a card
with your name on it. That I didn't bring a old woman over the
street and where cursed for it. Maybe that's what it was, a curse,
because it sure feels like it sometimes."
"Why *me* Joey?"
"I don't know. Because I love you. The way you are *you*. And
the way I feel when I am around you. You are not perfect, that I
know, and I am not that far gone to see you mistakes through the
pink glasses look. But everyone has his dirty little mistakes, even
when yours are very clean mistakes. I can't help it and believe me,
I wish I could, if there would be a way to fall *out of* love I would
have taken it. It would have spared me a lot of pain."
"Where you happy when Sarah died?"
"By God no. Not for the pain it caused you or the girls."
For a moment they both didn't know what to say.
"Do you love Jessie?" He knew the answer might hurt. Yet he had
to ask.
"Not in the beginning. But now. Things have definitely changed
between us?"
"For him too?"
Another deep blush. "Taken the evidence, I would say yes."
"But you both had been with women, which had been more than
friends. I mean I would never kiss my friend that way you two
did...sorry that came out wrong"
Snorting soft laughter confirmed his pun. "You can say that."
"So why?"
"This is why it is called bisexual Danny."
Again he recalled what Joey had said earlier. "Are you still in love
with me?"
"You sure you want to know the answer?"
He shrugged "I don't know. There is this voice that tells me that I
don't really want to know. And another one that tells me that I
*already* know it."
"Maybe they are both right."
"Or wrong. Maybe I want to know it. Maybe I want to be sure so
that I can work it out for myself." And like so many times he found
himself looking straight ahead again. Not able to look his friend
into the eyes.
A deep breath was heard.
"I still love you. As much as I did years ago."
His eyes did not wander back.
"I guess you need time to think about it now." He heard his friend
whisper, but his own thoughts were to much taking to answer.
"If you need me I am back there."
When Joey moved back despite his lake of reply, he knew that his
friend had understood him even without words. Waiting for him to
speak again.
Minutes passed.
The he drew a deep breath.
"Joey" he hated sounding that helpless
"Yes"
"I don't know what I feel about you. I mean it was all so clear
here. But now it is all scrambled up. After Sarah died I vowed to
myself that I wouldn't let myself fall in love anymore. That one
time being hurt that bad was bad enough. And yet I know that much
of the fact that I got back to life the way I did was the fact that you
were at my side. And I know that If I would loose you. It will be as
bad again. You were and are so much part of me that I didn't even
realise it anymore. I just took you as granted. And till now I didn't
realise how much I took your love for granted as well. When Sarah
died, you become her."
Amused snorting
"No not that way. But the way that you were at my side. Like you
belonged there. Like you belong there. I think it is possible that I
love you.
"Thanks you very much"
"No no...I think it is possible that I have loved you for quiet some
time. But only took it for granted. Like Sarah always knew that I
loved her. I assumed the same for you afterwards. And...and...and
I am not making much sense anymore."
"No, but that's one thing I love about you." A short laughter that
indicated that return to normal life was possible "So where do we
stay now?"
"We stay at the point where I tell you that one day is not enough to
wrap my mind around something I haven't been able to see for the
last years. And that I will need time. Maybe a lot to come clear
with whatever this will mean for me. And now go and tell Jessie
and the girls to stop worrying."
"Actually just Jessie. He and I sent the girl to the shopping Mall,
with the indication not to return until at least 8. But I am sure he is
worried."
Throwing a gaze at Danny spoke what words what he wasn't able
to say. And Danny understood as he took his friend into a tight
embrace. "And now go."
As he told Joey stood up to leave, but shortly before he was at the
door Danny heard himself call after him.
"Is this the reason why you are the only one allowed to ruffle his
hair?"
"No" Deep laughter "The reason is because I am the only one fast
enough."
***~~~***
When Joey entered the living room he could see his lover sitting on
the couch like he was waiting for his way to the guillotine. Hands
wrenched, Hair perfect after what must have been quiet a few
strokes of the brush. And a couch-table that was more cleaned than
any of Danny's cleaning parties could have done.
"Jessie" he softly call his lovers name. Smiling into worried eyes.
"I didn't hear you. I tried to listen but I couldn't hear you. Only
this screaming silence around here."
Coming closer he kneeled sat down in front of his lover. Accepting
the desperate embrace that he was taken into.
"I am sorry. There was so much to talk about. But he is okay with
it."
A relieved sigh followed his answer as his lover snuggled closer to
him.
There was still talking to do. A lot. Especially when Danny would
decide that he had made up his mind, in whatever direction it might
take him.
It would be another day's challenge to decide it they now would
need a bed big enough for two or three.
For the moment it was enough that they survived today.
And that life was back to normal.
At least as much normal as life around here was
The End
So I hope you liked it!
******************************************************
I'd rather be hated for something I am
Then be loved for something I am not
- unknown
******************************************************
If Hindsight is always 20/20...
how can I adjust my glasses to it
******************************************************
reading is suitable for the audience reading it it.
This story has been rated Slash: Which means that
it's not suitable for an homophobic audience or an
audience under the legal age of their country. It
means that the film you are watching will contain
the scenes and expressions of a SameSex relation-ship
of either Female/female or Male/male kind. It might
go from the simple announcing of love between two
people of the same Gender to actual Sexual scenes
which might be unsuitable for you if you are from
above category.
Slash certificate give you the right to choose your
story to your liking
And now to the feature film...aahhmm...story ;)
Title: But nothing changed.(when he heard himself say it)
Author: Strange Music
Fandom: Full House
Pairing: m/m
Summary: Sometimes we change a lot with the meaning of a single
word, maybe even ourselves.
Archive: yes
Email: strange_music@hotmail.com
Web Page:
http://www.zyworld/strange_music/ (Multi Media Slash Page)
http://home.germany.net/100-164832/Slash/Slash.html (The
Sentinel)
Sequal: Definitely. Actually I wanted them already to be together
in this part. They said otherwise so we met in the middle.
But Slashy didn't like the idea. She said that it was to fast. ;)
Disclaimer: None of the Characters in, around and out...of Full
House belongs to me. Or will ever belong to me. A fact by that I
am not really bother much. Now Jim, Blair and some others are
quiet a different thing. But this is a another story and will be told
another time.
Warnings: Actually none I can think of...If you think that there
should be tell me.
Feedback: Seek and live for it. It is my little blue happy
pill to keep the bad thing called RL in cage.
A few words: This story was written because of the ongoing treat
on Rare Slash that was seeking for a Full House Slash Story.
Unfortunately this reminded Slashy my Muse that she had been
thinking about this for some time. Hence she provided me with a
story. Whether I wanted or not ;)
Hope you enjoy it!
But nothing changed...(when he heard himself say it)
by
Strange Music-;
How could they.
He had trusted them.
Behind his back.
The thoughts were running through his mind as he sat at the back-
porch, furiously cleaning the wooden plackets into seemingly none-
existence. Everything had been all right this morning. The girls had
gone to School and he had brought Michelle to Kindergarten. It was
only then that he realised that he had forgotten his notes on the
coffee table. There was nothing more fun, in a bad way, than
realising 50 minutes to the show that his notes where none-
existence. Turning around he drove back to the house, quickly
finding them lying on the table exactly where he had left them.
Now it was a straight line to the show. Crossing the living Room to
the door he already fingered for his car-keys
Then something had struck him as strange, it was the fact of how
quiet the house was. Normally with Jessie and Joey alone it was
either Blasting Rock'n'Roll or Cartoons at a force that allowed the
neighbour kids to listen as well. And he knew for certain that at
least one of them was supposed to be at home.
Silence was not good.
Silence was what him suspicious.
In a way they were kids as much as his daughters were. Bigger
Kids same rules. Silence was bad. It was the time he knew that
planes where made that he wasn't going to like.
But then another thought crossed his mind.
Accidents, there was another reason for silence. Jessie with all his
high-tech equipment down there. He had told him a long time ago
how dangerous it could be.
And Joey. Well to call him a walking potential accident would
simplify things too much. He still had the memories of last weeks
ER treatment for trying for repair a toy-cars and in the way to do
so cutting himself a long tear on his arm.
What if the wound had opened?
Putting the keys back into the trousers he had turned around. The
living Room was empty, that much he knew. So where the upper
rooms and the kitchen. When, just as he was about leave again, a
silent whisper from Joey's Room caught his attention. Followed by
a short moan.
He stopped.
Another moan.
Definitely Joey.
He had been right Joey was hurt. And to stupid to tell him when he
had left. He could have talked to Jessie. Donning his jacket and
shoes at the beginning of the stairs he walked down with a worried
expression on his face.
All kind of images swirling through his mind.
None of them coming close to the one that greeted him.
Sure Joey was lying in bed and the moans that he had heard had
been his. But by god, pain must have been the furthest thought in
his mind. Especially with a bare-chested Jessie just trying to
extract his tonsils.
And his hands roaming in a region he better not thought about right
now.
"Oh my GOD!" he didn't even realise how loud he had said it, till
he saw the two scramble apart from each other in a desperate
attempt to make it look normal. Panicked gazes that looked with his
own.
But he had seen too much.
Way too much.
Words were nowhere to be found, and when he started looking for
them, they just slipped through his finger. His mind which had
gone numb at the sight was now starting to give orders. Short
precise and to the point.
'Leave'
He had to go. Only then, he could wake up from this nightmare.
Strange, how even in his dream had given Jessie the perfect hair
that he was so proud of
'Work is waiting.'
Why would he have to go to work if this was a dream. Sure, he had
been known to clean the kitchen in his dreams. But it just wasn't
the same as imagining his two bed friends ravaging each other in a
double bed.
Would it be in their minds to play a joke on him. Maybe that's
what it was. A joke. But the panicked look in their faces spoke
otherwise.
It was Joey that found his ability to speak first, talking to him in a
serious tone that he hadn't heard since Sarah had died.
Why would he dream Joey of being serious? But then again it was a
nightmare after all.
"Look Danny, I want to explain..."
But he only held his hand up, to stop any explanation that might
have come forward.
"I need my jacket. I have to go to work." He heard himself mutter.
"Danny!" Desperate pleading, pain evident. "Please listen to me!"
Without another answer he turned around.
'Upstairs'
In his daze his missed the corned a sharply slammed his toe at it.
'Pain'
But that was ridicules. There was no pain when you are dreaming.
Pain was the only way to find out if you where dreaming or not. So
maybe he was dreaming the pain as well.
He concluded that he was.
'Key's, Jacket, Car, Work'
It sounded fairly simply and manageable, even in his state of mind.
And when the door slammed into the lock behind him, he thought
that he had heard Joey call for him another time. A strange sob in
the voice. Why would he imagine Joey crying. His friend was fun
and games ever since they had been kids. He had been his rock in a
lot of tough times.
'No Joey didn't cry.'
'It was just this strange dream.'
And with that thought, he got into the car and drove off.
***~~~***
How he managed to get to work, was still a wonder in his mind.
Maybe the fact that on a certain instinct level he had still been able
to function. Or that it was true what he had said the other day, that
he knew the way to work by heart. If it was neither or both he
would never find out.
He only knew that they had recorded the show in a time that had
been unheard of. And that he, to the puzzlement and worries of his
co-workers had spent the rest of the day silently gazing into
nothing.
Okay. It had been nothing for them What he had seen was far, far
from nothing. The scene of this morning running in front of his
mind like a broken record.
And he didn't know what was worse. Wishing for the ability to
change things while he still had the chance or knowing to a fact that
he never had one.
And there was another Question. One he had heard all day long
today. "What is bothering you?"
It was a good one. What was bothering him, so much about all this?
And time passed.
He remembered coming home after work.
All hopes for the whole thing just being a nightmare quickly
squashed by the two guilty gazes that greeted him. No words had
been spoken. They had waited for him.
But he couldn't talk to them.
Perhaps later.
Time had passed.
Each minute increasing the worries that he could see on his
daughters faces, especially TJ and Stephanie's. Thank God that
Michelle was still to young to grasp the whole thing. But even she
understood that there was a problem. It wasn't normal that Joey
was silent, that Jessie had his hair ruffled and that their Dad left the
dirty dishes in the sink.
They knew something had happened.
But before they had been able to ask him he had retreated to the
backyard with a bottle of cleaning fluid and a mumble of wanting to
be alone.
Thank god they had accepted it.
Now 1 hour later.
Sitting on wooden plackets that hadn't been that clean the day the
house had been built.
And a head that had cleaned with the cleaning fluid as well.
It was easier to think now. Especially in more than a few words.
And just as he was about to go inside, he felt someone coming up
to him.
"Danny?"
Was he supposed to answer, after all they both knew that it was his
name. Confirming it would be senseless.
"Please Danny we have to talk about this" The desperation in his
voice was back. And he was torn between wanting to comfort the
man that meant so much to him and telling him to go away.
Was this the reason that he had reacted so strongly? There was an
answer but he sure as hell wasn't sure if he liked it.
"Danny please?" the hitch was back and when he looked over he
saw the tears building in his eyes.
He moved a few inched to the left, giving Joey the place and the
okay to sit down.
"I know we should have told sooner?"
"How long?" Okay, his mind might have stocked up on words but
his mouth was still the short sentence kind. It was as if he knew that
he would choke if he tried to put out more then a few out of his
mouth. Better make the few count clear.
"Four month..it was when we."
"It would be nice if you could spare me the details" Wow, an
whole sentence.
A tear was running down Joey's face, but his eyes were to caught
up in Danny's own to even notice it.
"I don't know how it happened. I guess we where both kind of
lonely. Jessie needed someone and I needed someone to make me
forget. We didn't tell you because we where afraid of how you
would react."
A small smile. "And right you were. In a way I was a lot happier
while I didn't know."
"As seen this morning. Beside we though that much. Even when we
didn't quiet imagine it quiet that way. We thought about telling you
someday. But always pushed it forward another day."
"Till today became the other day."
"Of all the way we wanted to tell you this was not among them." A
pause "Why did you come down in the first place?"
"I heard you moan," he whispered feeling the blush creep up his
face. "I thought you were hurt."
"Oh." was all he heard as he watched an equal colour rise on his
friends embarrassed face.
Silence
"I am so sorry Danny. Please forgive me"
He looked at Joey. His friend always wore his heart on his sleeves.
Tears of a clown. It took a lot to bring it out. Too much time spent
in hiding all feelings beside the funny. It was as if at one point of
his life he had decided that he was supposed to spend his life inside
a facade of entertainment.
When had it started. Not when they were kids. It had been there but
not to an extend.
School.
He had used the jokes to defend himself against the others. The
bully's that beat him up. And the kids that didn't let him be around
because he was different in a ways that made only sense to them.
They accepted him as the clown. A clown didn't have to be a
person as long as he made enough joke to keep you happy.
Afterward you just left him where he was. Clown didn't feel when
you yelled at them, Clowns didn't hurt when you insulted them.
But Joey had. And he remembered the hours he had spent
confronting a crying boy on his shoulder and telling him that it
would be better someday. And that he would be there for him no
matter what.
So when had he changed
**Joey...I have met the most wonderful Women in the world.**
So he hadn't imagined the seconds of heartbreak that he had seen in
his friends eyes. The hug afterwards had been long. Long enough
to set up a mask on a face that was treating to slip.
He had been too happy back then too realise it.
The mask had appeared back then.
And it explained the week that he had been gone after he had
announced his wedding with Sarah.
Puzzle pieces that fell into place. Situation that made so much more
sense now.
Hindsight is always 20/20 they say.
They were both still looking straight ahead.
"Joey." he whispered as he looked over.
Eyes closed in anticipation of what to come.
"Who is the person you need to forget?"
The fear the widened his friends gaze was almost already the
answer he had expected. Joey apparently hadn't expect him to pay
much attention to what he had been saying
Stumbled speech...almost stuttering. "It is no one you know. Not
important. You know this girl that I met" while his eyes pleaded
'Please don't ask any further, you might not like the answer'.
"You sure?"
"Yes Danny I am sure."
He felt Joey's attempt for retreat.
Laying a hand on his shoulder he stopped his rising. "Stay please..
I am sorry."
Sitting again side by side in silence he still wasn't able to stop his
thoughts of going back to the one thought.
"Was it me Joey?"
This time Joey jumped up with a speed that was seldom with him
and if he hadn't lunged at him at last moment he would have run
back into the kitchen.
Furious eyes linked with his own.
"Was it *me* Joey?" more force underlying the question.
"Yes" the answer was almost hissed in anger, but then as quickly
as it had appeared the fight was gone out of him again leaving only
a weary sadness behind "Yes it is you. You happy now?"
Eyes that weren't able to meet with his. Slummed shoulders, that
looked like a Dog about to receive a beating.
His mind wrapped around the facts that he had heard. Suspecting
something, was something different then actually hearing it
confirmed. And the what was even stranger, that it didn't bother
him as much as he thought it would. As a matter the feeling were
complete different.
"Why?"
The answering laughter was a strange mixture between a sob and a
laughter. "Why? Why did I fall in love with you? What do you
think. That I decided one day, heck why not. That I drew a card
with your name on it. That I didn't bring a old woman over the
street and where cursed for it. Maybe that's what it was, a curse,
because it sure feels like it sometimes."
"Why *me* Joey?"
"I don't know. Because I love you. The way you are *you*. And
the way I feel when I am around you. You are not perfect, that I
know, and I am not that far gone to see you mistakes through the
pink glasses look. But everyone has his dirty little mistakes, even
when yours are very clean mistakes. I can't help it and believe me,
I wish I could, if there would be a way to fall *out of* love I would
have taken it. It would have spared me a lot of pain."
"Where you happy when Sarah died?"
"By God no. Not for the pain it caused you or the girls."
For a moment they both didn't know what to say.
"Do you love Jessie?" He knew the answer might hurt. Yet he had
to ask.
"Not in the beginning. But now. Things have definitely changed
between us?"
"For him too?"
Another deep blush. "Taken the evidence, I would say yes."
"But you both had been with women, which had been more than
friends. I mean I would never kiss my friend that way you two
did...sorry that came out wrong"
Snorting soft laughter confirmed his pun. "You can say that."
"So why?"
"This is why it is called bisexual Danny."
Again he recalled what Joey had said earlier. "Are you still in love
with me?"
"You sure you want to know the answer?"
He shrugged "I don't know. There is this voice that tells me that I
don't really want to know. And another one that tells me that I
*already* know it."
"Maybe they are both right."
"Or wrong. Maybe I want to know it. Maybe I want to be sure so
that I can work it out for myself." And like so many times he found
himself looking straight ahead again. Not able to look his friend
into the eyes.
A deep breath was heard.
"I still love you. As much as I did years ago."
His eyes did not wander back.
"I guess you need time to think about it now." He heard his friend
whisper, but his own thoughts were to much taking to answer.
"If you need me I am back there."
When Joey moved back despite his lake of reply, he knew that his
friend had understood him even without words. Waiting for him to
speak again.
Minutes passed.
The he drew a deep breath.
"Joey" he hated sounding that helpless
"Yes"
"I don't know what I feel about you. I mean it was all so clear
here. But now it is all scrambled up. After Sarah died I vowed to
myself that I wouldn't let myself fall in love anymore. That one
time being hurt that bad was bad enough. And yet I know that much
of the fact that I got back to life the way I did was the fact that you
were at my side. And I know that If I would loose you. It will be as
bad again. You were and are so much part of me that I didn't even
realise it anymore. I just took you as granted. And till now I didn't
realise how much I took your love for granted as well. When Sarah
died, you become her."
Amused snorting
"No not that way. But the way that you were at my side. Like you
belonged there. Like you belong there. I think it is possible that I
love you.
"Thanks you very much"
"No no...I think it is possible that I have loved you for quiet some
time. But only took it for granted. Like Sarah always knew that I
loved her. I assumed the same for you afterwards. And...and...and
I am not making much sense anymore."
"No, but that's one thing I love about you." A short laughter that
indicated that return to normal life was possible "So where do we
stay now?"
"We stay at the point where I tell you that one day is not enough to
wrap my mind around something I haven't been able to see for the
last years. And that I will need time. Maybe a lot to come clear
with whatever this will mean for me. And now go and tell Jessie
and the girls to stop worrying."
"Actually just Jessie. He and I sent the girl to the shopping Mall,
with the indication not to return until at least 8. But I am sure he is
worried."
Throwing a gaze at Danny spoke what words what he wasn't able
to say. And Danny understood as he took his friend into a tight
embrace. "And now go."
As he told Joey stood up to leave, but shortly before he was at the
door Danny heard himself call after him.
"Is this the reason why you are the only one allowed to ruffle his
hair?"
"No" Deep laughter "The reason is because I am the only one fast
enough."
***~~~***
When Joey entered the living room he could see his lover sitting on
the couch like he was waiting for his way to the guillotine. Hands
wrenched, Hair perfect after what must have been quiet a few
strokes of the brush. And a couch-table that was more cleaned than
any of Danny's cleaning parties could have done.
"Jessie" he softly call his lovers name. Smiling into worried eyes.
"I didn't hear you. I tried to listen but I couldn't hear you. Only
this screaming silence around here."
Coming closer he kneeled sat down in front of his lover. Accepting
the desperate embrace that he was taken into.
"I am sorry. There was so much to talk about. But he is okay with
it."
A relieved sigh followed his answer as his lover snuggled closer to
him.
There was still talking to do. A lot. Especially when Danny would
decide that he had made up his mind, in whatever direction it might
take him.
It would be another day's challenge to decide it they now would
need a bed big enough for two or three.
For the moment it was enough that they survived today.
And that life was back to normal.
At least as much normal as life around here was
The End
So I hope you liked it!
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I'd rather be hated for something I am
Then be loved for something I am not
- unknown
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If Hindsight is always 20/20...
how can I adjust my glasses to it
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