"You're my safety net Nibbles...you're all I've got."
The words came out as a choked, strangled mess. Cal glanced from Ethan's hand, to his face and back to his hand. He looked so vulnerable lying there in a hospital bed, a frown etched into his face.
Just like when Ethan used to fall off his bike in the park when they were kids, Cal wanted nothing more than to scoop him up and carry him home where their mother would patch him up. Caleb Knight. The perfect little hero. Not anymore. Now Cal was adrift, without guidance...alone.
The monitors by the bed in the intensive care unit beeped sharply and incessantly. He scanned the BP and stats readings, satisfying himself there had been no change in the last 30 seconds. His eyes traced the line on the monitor that showed the beat of his little brother's heart.
Ethan was all he had, all he really cared for in this world. In truth, it was him who needed Ethan not the other way around. A single tear traced its way down Cal's cheek. He rubbed it away angrily.
Cal stood up, clearing his throat. The four grey walls of the room felt as though they were closing in on him. He struggled to shift any air, feeling like he was underwater, like he was drowning.
Cal burst out of the small room in ITU and walked quickly down the corridor. He needed to get out, to get away from this. He tried to take some deep breaths but the feeling didn't go away, he felt trapped. He broke into a run ignoring the disgruntled and shocked expressions from passing nurses and staff. Panic blossomed in his chest and spread like wildfire through his veins. Sprinting into the ED, Cal narrowly missed Max with a wheelchair and rushed into the staffroom slamming the door behind him. Tess shot Rita and Zoe an alarmed expression over the desk.
"I'll go." Rita offered and walked towards the staffroom.
Cal gripped the table top, his breath coming in short, jagged bursts. He was struggling. Connie opened the door sharply and marched across the threshold. Her heels clicked ferociously. He didn't look up.
"Dr Knight may I remind you that sprinting is not advisable in an Emergency Department..."
She stopped short as a tear ran down his cheek. Her mouth opened and closed again. She stood stock still. Rita appeared in the doorway.
"Are...are you alright?" Connie managed to say.
The tears continued to fall. Cal's breathing became erratic.
Rita rolled her eyes and marched past Connie towards Cal.
"Cal darling. You need to slow down."
Rita placed a hand on both his forearms and looked up at him.
"Cal look at me, you need to breathe."
His vision swam and he stumbled, holding onto the counter for support.
Rita moved around to his other side, acutely aware that she'd come off worse if he collapsed. She looked up into his panicked eyes.
"Caleb, look at me."
Her use of his childhood name seemed to rouse him from his torment. Only Ethan really called him that now. She had his attention.
"Breathe with me." Rita matched her breathing to his and slowed it right down, he followed suit. His shoulders slumped, he looked broken, defeated.
"Come and sit down darling."
She led him to the sofa and sat down by his side. He cleared his throat.
"I'm sorry. That was...unprofessional."
The corners of Rita's mouth turned up in amusement.
"To hell with unprofessional Cal. What happened? Is it Ethan?"
Cal avoided eye contact. He let the silence drag on.
"I can't...can't do it Rita." His voice cracked, he felt tears brim again.
"I can't loose him. He's all I've got."
Rita ran and comforting hand across his back.
"Oh Cal sweetheart I know. But he's going to get through this, he wont give up and neither can you."
"We can get through this, together."
Cal closed his eyes, more tears threatening to fall.
"He's the strong one, not me," his voice was almost a whisper. The words hung in the silence like low grey clouds, formidable and profound.
Rita didn't know how to respond. She pulled him into a tight hug.
Connie watched on from the doorway silently. Cal was hunched over, making himself smaller to fit into Rita's arms. He let her hold him like she was holding him together. His usual 'Dr Knight' bravado and confidence had been peeled away to reveal Caleb, vulnerable and in need of support. She held him as he let the tears fall: tears of shock, anger, helplessness and fear. It all came out in one violent wave. Rita glanced at Connie over Cal's shoulder. Connie nodded and left them to it. Closing the door, Zoe walked up to her.
"Is he okay?"
"Yes. Rita's with him. He was having a panic attack, but she calmed him down."
"I don't know how she does it." Zoe mused looking through the glass at Rita holding Cal. "She makes you feel like you can trust her, like you're safe."
Connie folded her arms across her body, following Zoe's line of sight. She watched as Rita gently rubbed the back of his neck, whispering words of comfort in his ear. She felt drawn to her.
"Yes I suppose she does."