When he closed his eyes sometimes, and the sounds outside his door faded away, he could see fragments of what Might Have Been laid over What Was like and afterimage in the noonday sun. Try as he might to stay unfeeling and unattached, it was these Almost Weres that left him quivering on the verge of tears in the dark of night.
There were some days when the Almost Was made the corners of his lips turn up in a tiny smile that he quickly hid whenever someone looked his way. Those were the good days, when he felt invincible. Like the demons weren't knocking on the door. But the good days were rare; the demons knocked too loudly to be ignored, and every knock broke another piece off of that protective door. Soon, he knew, it would fall in and crush him before the demons rushed in and devoured everything he pretended he didn't care about. It was those days, the days he could see those demons' eyes peering back at him from the mirror, it was those days that broke him down.
Those were the days where, no matter how much he told himself he hated his son, he knew that at the end of the day, he would always love her son. Those were the days when he looked into those sparkling green eyes and saw his Almost Son and wondered if he hadn't made so many mistakes, if HE really could have been his son. And if she would still be there for them both. Most days he knew it was a hopeless Almost Was, but there were days when he felt sure if it had been him standing in his place that she would still be there standing next to him. Those were the days that those glittering green eyes hurt him the most.
But for her, he pretended it didn't hurt and kept watching silently over the Almost Son with the man who was his Almost Father. He knew his Almost Father could see through his walls of make-believe, but he kept pretending he was emotionless and ignorant. Those were the days where he felt more like the Almost Son of his Almost Father than he really cared to admit. There was something about the way that the Almost Father would look at him with that smile that seemed to say "Not to worry. I'll be here watching over you both" that made him want to believe his Almost Father and that promise in his eyes.
But he knew better. He knew that the demons were knocking too hard for that promise to be kept for much longer, and finally the day came that the Almost Father asked him to do what he feared he could no longer force himself to do. But he could, and he did, and he hated himself for it. It didn't matter how many nights he stayed up and told himself it had been necessary, needed, wanted. When he had killed him, killed his Almost Father, who had been more of a father than even his own had been, killed that promise hiding in that smile, he had killed a part of himself, too. Without that part, it seemed like he was only living for a glimpse of sparkling green eyes that he knew he wouldn't see again, but kept hoping for anyway.
He did the best he could to protect the Almost Son in place of the Almost Father, and told himself it was only for the Almost Father and for her. But when it was quiet and he couldn't hear the demons knocking outside his door, he knew it was a lie. He protected HIS glittering green eyes, not hers.
Then came the day when the door finally shattered and caved in. He stood his ground, hoping to be an Almost Shield for his Almost Son until he knew his Almost Son would have to join his Almost Father.
There was a burst of pain, and blood, and sparkling green eyes he could fool himself were Almost Crying for another Almost Father, and then blackness.
But in the Almost Death he floated in, there was a tiny sliver of light, and then a voice. "You don't have to hang on any longer," it assured him, and he told himself it was Almost Her. "Everyone's waiting, if you're ready…" He saw a hand reaching out to him, and he finally let go of his Almost Hope and took it. There was a glimpse of bright green eyes, and he realized that maybe, just maybe Is was just as good as Almost.