This was something that just... happened? Yeah. That'll be my excuse.

Current musical inspiration: 'Bigger Than Me' by Bell X1, off the album 'Flock'.

...

there is a darkness to these jaded days

...

I wouldn't say my life's been exciting. Yeah, there were the love triangles, the dying grandfathers, the alcoholic mother, the foray into drugs, the breakups, the makeups, and falling in love with the girl of my dreams. But 'exciting'?

Eh.

Although I will admit my life picked up a bit the day my dad brought his work home with him.

I mean, really, my life up to that point had basically consisted of sitting around, playing video games, reading comics, and trying to avoid the square-headed jocks that seemed to really have it out for me. Oh, and pining after said girl of my dreams, but I like to pretend I wasn't that pathetic. Seriously, don't tell her I was.

So anyway, back to when my life became interesting. There I was, deciding what to have for breakfast: a bagel or a bowl of cereal. See, a bagel requires slicing and schmearing, and cereal requires a bowl and milk… so I said screw it and went with eating cereal right out of the box. So I'm pulling down the box of Lucky Charms – hey! foreshadowing much? – when in walks this kid that I've never seen before, and I don't think he was expecting me there either cause we both kinda stopped dead. I think he figured out who I was pretty quickly, cause as much as I'd like to deny it, I look like my father.

The next thing I know we're playing video games in the family room, and he's telling me about how he got arrested. I think he expected me to be scared or look down on him, but actually I remember thinking that he was just… cool. And he didn't seem to think I wasn't cool. I mean, I took him boating and ranted about comics books and the girl of my dreams that I was not obsessed with, thank you very much. Now-

"Seth," his therapist interrupts, "as fascinating as this story is, we're here to talk about what happened with the accident and try to come to terms with your emotions."

"Look, man, I know this is, like, mandatory, so I'm doing it. And I know it may not sound like it now, but this story is related to the… accident."

"Alright, as long as you're sure."

"Oh, I am. As I was saying, now-"

I guess I should start using names, or else it could get really confusing, what with all the players that showed up over the next three years. Is that sad? That only three years out of my life have been interesting? That's… only 16.67 percent of my life. Ok, I'm digressing. So the day Ryan and I started hanging with Marissa Cooper was the second best day of my life. Not because I had any particular desire to be friends with the reigning queen of Harbor, but because her best friend Summer happens to be said girl of my dreams.

Have you met Summer? She's the most beautiful creature on God's green Earth, right? She didn't exactly know my name at first – in fact, I'm pretty sure she called me Stanley a lot – but I wore her down. There was a carefully planned out jealousy ploy, and an equally carefully planned out coffee cart confession.

That was the best day of my life. So scratch my first assessment. Meeting Ryan moves to second and hanging out with Marissa moves to third, because nothing tops the first time Summer kissed me in public.

But then I kinda ruined it when I ran away.

Wait, did I skip some stuff? Yeah, I think I did. Long story short – cause I see you're looking a little impatient – Ryan and Marissa got in a fight over this crazy Oliver kid, broke up, Ryan got together with his ex from Chino, she left, she got pregnant, she came back, and he left with her. See? I told you my life was boring. So anyway, after he left I thought Summer was gonna leave me, too. I mean, the only reason she was dating me was cause Ryan made me cooler by association, right? So I freaked and ran – coincidentally to previously mentioned square-headed jock that used to beat me up. He got better after everyone found out his dad was gay. I guess queer jokes aren't so funny after that-

"Seth," the therapist interrupts with another sigh. "This session is about you and your feelings about the accident, but you've been going on about Summer for the past seven minutes."

Seth leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees. "This all has a point, really. But I guess if you want, I'll stop talking about Summer."

"Good. Now, let's move onto a more… on track subject."

Seth sighs.

Ryan came back.

Well, actually he came to Portland first, and we went back together, but still, he came back. And truthfully, I'd like to think it was more for me than it was for Marissa or my parents. See, we'd bonded. He's the first person I've ever met to accept me straight off for who I am. He never tried to change me, he never questioned my sanity. And truthfully? I think I was the first person to accept him right off for who he really was. The Sandy thought of him as work, the Kirsten wanted him nowhere near her valuables, and even Marissa felt guilty for liking him at first.

We bonded even more after we came back. Summer had a new boyfriend, and – as Ryan later found out – Marissa was boinking the gardener. We tried dating other people – although he was a little more successful than me. He got this really smart, really nice girl, while I got a bisexual high school dropout who didn't think I was exciting enough.

Starting to see a pattern here?

Now, it may seem that, in this experience, I got the more dramatic scenario. I mean, bisexual bartender totally trumps smart, nice, high school student, right? Yeah, not so much, cause Lindsay turned out to be my aunt. I mean, seriously. Ryan was dating my aunt. Which, as much as he'd like to deny it, made her kind of his aunt too, cause the guy's part of the family. He's my brother, and he's my parents son. I don't think you can find anyone who'd argue against that.

Which, now that I think about it, made Marissa his aunt, although that was by marriage rather than genetic material, so I guess it's cool that he started dating her again.

Oh! Speaking of Ryan being part of the family, his brother shows up. Not me, obviously, cause I'm not sure how I'd 'show up' considering he lives with me, but I'm ranting, so I'll get back to the story. His blood brother… actually, that sounds like he's in a gang or something - which, maybe he is, I don't know, I've never asked. That would actually be kind of cool… although I haven't seen any tattoos, so I'm guessing not. Anyway, the other Atwood boy shows up – Trey – and I wasn't too fond of him. I'd like to think it was because I have really good senses, so I knew he was bad news. But really? I think it was because Trey was cool, and I – as previously stated – am not. Trey'd been to prison, and he'd known Ryan a hell of a lot longer than me, so I think I was pretty jealous.

Well, up until Trey tried to rape Marissa. Yeah, that pretty much secured my place as Ryan's favorite brother, although that relief was pushed to the background, cause Ryan and Trey both ended up in the hospital. Marissa shot Trey after Trey beat the crap out of Ryan, and Summer and I got there too late to really see anything, but we knew what happened. Which wasn't, apparently, a good enough explanation for the cops, but screw them-

"Seth." The therapist puts his fingertips to his temple and closes his eyes.

"What now? You know, for a guy who has a degree in listening to crazy people ramble, you're really not good at your job."

"But my job, right now - what I was hired to do - is to help you. You've been through a lot, Seth, and I think we need to talk about that."

"Yeah, I know, but I'm pretty sure all my talking's gonna help you understand my 'problem'."

"Alright, continue."

The summer was filled with Ryan and Marissa being real downers and Summer trying to cheer them up and me kinda just being there.

My senior year was messed up, cause Marissa got kicked out, although I have to admit, my drama that year rivaled Ryan's somewhat. I mean, yeah, he was dealing with his girlfriend hanging out with some surfer guy, and then they broke up, and then Marissa started doing the nasty with this guy who was way too into coke. But me? That year I had this crazy chick try to break Summer and me up, then Summer and Taylor – crazy girl – actually became friends. And remember how I was saying my pre-Ryan life was boring and monotonous? Yeah, pre-Ryan life was spent waiting for the day I could go off to Brown and get away from this ungodly Newport sun. But I didn't get in. That honor was, ironically, reserved for Summer.

Of course I didn't tell her I didn't get in, because, let's face it, I'm from Newport, we hide our feelings, it's just what we do. Then I tried some drugs – conveniently provided by Marissa's little sister, who I swear is actually the devil in 15-year-old girl form. Seriously. She has all the qualities Marissa and Julie Cooper have – sneaky, good at manipulation, so freakishly hot that they get away with stuff – but she doesn't have Julie's pesky conscience or Marissa's predilection for freaking out and breaking apart.

Where was I? Right, drugs.

That didn't last too long. I pretty much quit after I burned down my dad's office – which he didn't seem too pissed about, so I'm starting to think I burned something he didn't ever want the public seeing, but I'm not about to question that. And I finally told Summer about not getting into Brown, and I actually got into RISD, so the future was looking good. Ryan was going to Berkeley, and Marissa was going off to Greece on her dad's boat.

But then…

"The accident?" the therapist questions, and looks relieved when Seth nods. "I'm glad we've finally gotten to the point. Now I'm going to ask you again: how does Marissa's death make you feel?"

Seth wrinkles his face in annoyance. "In that entire, three year long story, did I ever once talk about how much Marissa and I bonded?"

"So you're saying you don't care that she's dead?"

"Of course I care. You don't spend three years with someone and not care. Of course I care. She was a... she was a great girl. She wasn't always the best for Ryan or Summer, but she tried, and that's what counts, right?"

"You keep talking about Ryan and Summer, but…"

"Exactly. Seriously, what kind of a therapist are you? You want to know why my parents hired you? I know they think I'm grieving, and I am, but grieving isn't unhealthy. You're supposed to grieve when a friend dies."

"But your parents tell me you've become distant and worried, and they fear that you're taking this quite hard."

"Haven't you been listening? That story wasn't pointless. My life is boring. I'm not an important person, but Ryan and Summer are. They're the reason I'm not still holed up in my room with no friends. You wanna know why I'm freaking the hell out over Marissa's death, then let me spell it out for you: I'm worried about them."

"Seth, that worries me. I think you should be concentrating on you…"

"I concentrate on me enough. My whole life I've concentrated on me. I concentrated on me when Ryan tried to warn me about Oliver, and he ended up almost going to jail. I concentrated on me when Ryan left town, and I hurt Summer. I concentrated on me when I didn't get into Brown, and I hurt Summer again. I know everyone thinks I'm immature, but I'm not really. I'm fine. I know I'll be fine, because I'm grieving. Ryan and Summer? They're not grieving. So I'm done focusing on myself, and I think you should be, too. You wanna help figure out this tangled mess of an 'accident', then go talk to one of them. Oh wait, I forgot, you can't. Summer's off at Brown being little miss college girl, and Ryan's disappeared into the underbelly of society." Seth stands up and walks to the door. "I know my time isn't up, but I don't think you care."

"Of course I care…"

"Actually, I'm pretty sure you only care because my parent's check hasn't cleared yet, but don't worry, they'll still pay for the full time. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to my boring life."

...

because it's bigger than me

...

review