Disclaimer: If Axis Powers Hetalia were mine, I wouldn't need to write fanfics. If any of these songs were mine, I wouldn't be writing fanfics.
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Minimal fluff 09!
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Alfred 10
It was fate. A lone, rusty RV rumbled down the deserted highway toward the horizon. The vehicle was an earthy brown and clanked down the road noisily as the exhaust puffed out wearily. Inside the car, a boy grumbled almost as wearily as he shot a glance from the seat he was in to the driver.
"Damn, gramps, I can't believe I actually let myself get dragged into spending a whole summer on this crazy road trip you planned. What's first on the agenda, visit Bob and Larry at the tar pits?"
"Would you shush your mouth, Alfred F Jones? For goodness sakes, I am not a grandfather. I'm hardly too much older than you are, you brat. We're almost there. And second of all, we're not going to be visiting the tar pits. If we were, I'd throw you in." The driver, a twenty-something year old blonde, grit his teeth as he drove.
"So where are we going, Arthur Kirkland?" Alfred called, imitating the older man's use of full names.
"We're going camping, now shut your trap."
"Tar pits?" chimed Alfred's twin. "You really are an idiot."
"Shut up, Matthew! You're the idiot!"
"Matthew, Alfred, stop fighting!" Arthur snapped, turning from the road briefly. "I didn't bring enough aspirin to deal with you two shouting at each other!"
"Watch the road, gramps!" Alfred yelled, as they swerved dangerously close to a pit at the side of the highway. There was a mutual shriek as every RV passenger watched the car spin back on the road.
"Now we'd like to get there in one piece," Matthew said sarcastically, giving his brother a glare through his glasses. "And stop being difficult. What were you going to do if grandpa didn't pick us up at home after school ended? Spend the whole summer playing video games?"
"I told you two I'm not your grandpa!"
"Actually, yes I would!"
The twins huffed and looked away, an argument settled through the silent treatment. Arthur gripped the steering wheel, already regretting his plan to cart the twins on a cross-country road trip, but it was already too late to kick them out (lest he get sued for child endangerment but they were hardly children anyway) and at least they were quiet now.
"Stupid Yankee…"
"Hey, watch it, or you'll give gramps a hernia."
"I already told you I'm not your grandpa!"
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"Dude, I'm not eating this," Alfred protested, pushing away a plate of mysterious black material. "You can't cook and you really shouldn't try."
Arthur glared across the table with a look of pure evil. "I thought we could get onto this camp ground and have no more arguments and actually enjoy ourselves. There's nothing to eat if you don't eat that. And it's not so bad." For emphasis, he put a forkful of his own cooked food in his mouth.
"Eew, you're so gross!"
"Will you just eat already?" Matthew groaned, rolling his eyes. He, like Alfred, was also picking at his food but at least he had the sense not to complain about it. "Then again, you're such a fattie maybe you don't need to…"
"Hey!" Alfred gripped his plate, ready to throw it across the table when Arthur quickly put a stop to that. "I just cleaned this RV a week ago and I'm not going to have you mess it up again."
"Hey, no need to get all anal about it, gramps."
Arthur twitched, but he had since given up correcting the two. "Well, since you're not hungry, why don't you go pitch the tent? It's almost time for bed."
"What? We have the RV! Why can't we sleep in the RV?"
"Because it's not big enough, along with the fact we're trying to enjoy nature." Arthur took the plate from Alfred's hands before the boy could hurl it. "And it will build your character."
Alfred burst out laughing. "Alright, if it's so character building, I want Mattie to come with me!" Grabbing his brother by the arm, Alfred pulled Matthew up and out of his seat and to the door.
"We can't pitch the tent if we don't bring the tent!" Matthew protested, trying to pull away from Alfred's grip. "You're so stupid!"
"Girls, girls, just take the tent and see what you can do about it, alright?" Arthur grabbed the tents and poles and shoved them into Alfred's hands. "It shouldn't be that hard and I have instructions if you need them."
"Who needs instructions?" Alfred yelled, barreling out of the RV with the pile of tent in his arms cackling. Matthew shook his head and went to find the instructions before Alfred started building a military base. He hadn't had to worry; when he came out again with the piece of paper, Alfred's attention had since wandered – the tent was a mess of odd points and haphazard shapes as the blonde ran around the camping area.
"Mattie!" Alfred called. "Do you think there're bears in these woods?"
"I hope one eats you," Matthew grumbled, trying to dislodge a pole from the mess of material. Alfred laughed, deaf to the insult. He peered into the darkness of the woods, grinning smugly, before starting deeper into the forest.
"Hey! Alfred! You can't just leave me alone to pitch this tent! Where're you going? Gramps said not to leave the camping area without him!"
"What gramps doesn't know won't hurt him!" Alfred yelled over his shoulder, picking his way through the trees. "And I won't be gone long." Ignoring Matthew's continued warnings, Alfred made his way through the forest, humming a carefree tune to himself as he walked. There were no signs of bears or even deer and he quickly became bored, not to mention tired.
"This is boring," he complained to himself. "Nothing exciting ever happens in my life." As he walked, something fell out of the tree above him and hit him square on the top of his head. "Stupid squirrels!" Rubbing his head, he looked around for the acorn that hit him, but what he saw instead stopped him in his tracks.
It was a capsule, similar to the ones that came in the cheap slots he liked to patron in local supermarkets. Peering at it curiously, Alfred tapped at the capsule, before pulling it open. Inside was a strange watch, with a clear quartz cover and a leather band. "It's…a watch! Cool!" Quickly taking it out, he put it around his wrist and held up his hand to see how it looked in the fading daylight. "It's kind of tacky, though." Bringing his hand back down, Alfred's face fell, failing to see any relevance to the treasure he found. "I'll give it to gramps as a birthday gift." He reached to take it off, but he found it impossible.
"Dumb watch! Why won't you come off!" Struggling with the task of removing the watch from his wrist, Alfred remembered that Arthur had a knife back at camp he could use to cut the leather. Quickly retracing his steps, he found his way back to camp (with some difficulty) and found Matthew standing next to two perfectly pitched tents.
"Alright, gramps is trying to find you and where have you been? You didn't get attacked by some rabid animal, did you? God, you're so stupid!" Matthew stopped in his rant to notice Alfred was wearing something new he hadn't before. "What's that?"
"It's a watch. I found it. It won't come off."
"Idiot." Matthew reached for it and both watched as the younger twin tried to pry the watch off Alfred's wrist. It was no go for him either and the two stood stumped as they stared at the timepiece.
"Well," Matthew said slowly, "maybe Arthur can get it off."
"If he doesn't take my head off first."
"Where were you?" The angry voice of their guardian came floating over the RV as Arthur rounded the corner and stormed up to them. "Do you have any idea how worried I was when I came outside and there was only Matthew? Alfred, you are extremely high maintenance. I told you to stay in the camp."
"Gramps!" Alfred cried, holding up his wrist. "I can't get this damn thing off!"
Arthur inspected the watch. "Where did you get it?"
"I found it in the forest. It fell on my head." Arthur tutted at this apparent lame story and felt around the band. "How did you get it on? Did you slide it on?"
"I buckled it but I can't get it loose anymore."
"Well, it looks nice, so why don't you just keep it on?"
"I knew you say that, gramps."
All of a sudden, there was a loud crash and a rather large man stormed up to their camp, decked in a big winter coat and holding a long metal water faucet. He had a thick scarf around his neck and he was peering over it, scanning his surroundings before his gaze locked on Alfred's watch. "Boy! That watch! Hand it over and no one gets hurt!"
"What?" Alfred suddenly felt a deep kinship with the mysterious watch. If someone else wanted it, it must be something good. "No way! And even if I wanted to, I can't take it off, so tough luck."
"Don't talk nonsense." Swinging the faucet around, the man attempted to knock them unconscious. "My name is Ivan and I need to have that watch you have there. Don't be a little brat."
"Why do you want it?" Arthur shouted, pulling the twins back from harm's way. Ivan looked them over with disinterest, waving his faucet around.
"To tell the time, obviously! The greatest invention where I come from is this faucet and the device such as the watch would be greatly appreciated. Now hand it over, pipsqueak."
"Surely you could walk into any Wal-Mart and buy one yourself?" Matthew tried, but Ivan silenced him quickly with a glare.
"Well, I'm not giving it to you!" Alfred shouted, taking a stance in front of Matthew and Arthur. "And you're not going to get off so easily from attacking my family, even if it's just my bratty little brother and gramps! You're going to get a serious butt-kicking right now!"
"Is that so?" Ivan chuckled. "I'd like to see you try."
"Gladly! I'll show you!" Alfred threw one hand up in the air dramatically. "It's time to go hero!" he shouted, bringing his hand down onto the watch with gusto.
As his hand made contact with the watch, the quartz cover shattered, sending glass scattering over the grass. Alfred stared at his now broken watch with shock. "Aw man!"
"You're an idiot, you know that?" Matthew seized a stone intended for their fire and threw it at Ivan as Arthur charged with a force of their own. As the fight ensued, Alfred sank to his knees, staring at the broken watch on his wrist.
Seconds could have passed, or even hours, but the time Alfred came around, Matthew was waving a hand in his face as Arthur was dragging the unconscious body of Ivan into the woods. "Hey, Alfred. Ivan's gone. He won't be bothering us anymore. And what was with that little catch phrase of yours? 'It's time to go hero'?"
"I kind of want to be alone right now," Alfred mumbled, still staring at the watch. Matthew sighed exasperatedly and went to get the Swiss Army knife in the RV. As Alfred watched, Matthew cut the leather band and broken timepiece off his wrist and threw it off into the forest. "Happy now? Come on, grandpa's back. Let's go get some sleep."
"I thought it bring me some powers," Alfred groaned, following Matthew into the tent. "The watch. It just appeared to me, that I thought maybe…I don't know. I'd turn into some hero or something."
"You've been watching too many movies," Matthew explained. "We should really get some sleep. But it doesn't really matter. Arthur wants to visit some retirement home tomorrow so we can meet some aunt of ours."
"Shit, really? I kind of wish Ivan beat the crap out of us now."
"I share your sediments. Grandpa can be quite a handful."
"I am not your grandpa."
Owari
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Note: I apologize for this tacky parody. But in my trip, I had to watch Ben 10 so many times it sort of stuck. Especially his dumb catch-phrase. I was thinking about it today and realized that America sort of is a hero, and one add one equals two. Really bad humor and a useless plot. I thought I'd like to share this handicapped brainchild with the world, though. Don't worry, cause I have plenty of better fanfics to rattle out. It's like a mankinfan marathon. Yips. Review or not, it really doesn't matter for this thing.